i just want to feel love again
i never thought id ever go back to being a hopeless romantic again
but here i am in a baggy sweatshirt curled up in blankets
with my tea in my hands and tears in my eyes
watching the fault in our stars for the 27th time
scrolling through perfect instagram feeds where you find nothing but perfect couples away on tropical adventures together and it makes you believe that is real life
endless hallmark movies giving you the intense hope that you will meet the man of your dreams in a coffee shop during Christmas time
why these are all illusions that play with our emotions
making us crave such unrealistic ideals
and yet we still psych ourselves up to believe in a dream world

i am ******* beautiful
i have a beautiful laugh
i have an amazing smile
and my eyes will always smile for you
you will always make me smile
i deserve love and affection and kindness
i deserve to be happy
i was created beautifully by him who made me
i will be loved
and i will love you
more than i have ever loved anyone ever
and i will never stop loving you
i will do anything to make you happy
i want you to be happy
forever
and i want to be happy with you
as long as you are happy with me

His "I love you" came swiftly.
Like the monsoon pouring down on a leaky roof
Those three words broke through my defences.
At first they were an ambrosia;
They sustained my life and our relationship.
At least for a short time.

Then "I love you" became an excuse;
For absences, and purpose-filled accidents.
And I ignored the warning signs, the flashing lights.
I pretended like "I love you" was enough...

...But it wasn't.
His "I love you"s were like band-aids on bullet wounds;
Like using play dough to fix cracks in concrete walls.
But I rationed our good memories,
I held on as tight as I could to our love
And watched as it slipped through my fingers.

His "I love you"s became poison,
That seeped deep into my bones,
And turned blue skies grey,
And turned light into darkness,
And slowly killed whatever semblance of love
I fooled myself into thinking we had left.

I saw you in the corner of the room.
I don’t know what to choose,
My eyes are locked on you.

I know it can't be best,
But my hair is all a mess
When you run your fingers through.
You kiss me sweetly twice and then you leave,
So I come up with niceties about the things
That frighten me when you leave me.
This is not the way that it should work,
You hardly work
To work it out
Just work with me
We’ll talk it out or

hardly

speak.

I'm tired and always cold
Almost finished a family size box of Cheerios...food comas.
Lack of motivation because it's so gloomy and cold outside.
So, it seems like a better idea to stay in my warm solitude, rather than being productive and having a life.
But this too shall pass shortly,
It's just depression seasonally.

your words toy with the strings of my heart
your smile dilates my eyes until they are no longer brown
your hugs give me a feeling of safety that cannot be matched
there is no brighter moment than when you walk into the room

i walk by and read the mind of the girl you also smile with
i am not the only girl mesmerized by your bright colored hair
your laughter and gaiety causes every eye to turn on you
and once they do, they cannot look away

instead, each girl stares at the other in fierce competition
to figure out the thoughts of desperate minds and fearful hearts
yet each one longs to be the other in that moment
to be laughing in the eyes of a boy with bright colored hair

my legs are crossed but my palms are open
as i sit between you two
you poke me and play with my hair
while you tease me and make fun of my glare
i lay eyes on each of you but you match my stare

and yet my eyes still linger on your brightly colored hair
your laugh that billows in the air
i cannot help but reach my hand out and touch you
for the 25th time
i know you may never feel the way i feel
or understand the way i understand you
but there is not a moment that goes by where i do not wish to be
the cup of coffee that you hold or
to wear that sweatshirt that protects you from the cold
or the wind that gently touches upon your lips

i go long periods of time without the sight of you and
my mind is able to forget
the way you mesmerize me with your brightly colored hair
but you always return and i am always overjoyed to face you once again
and every time i ask myself what is it about you that makes me so connected
why do i feel so drawn to you, so understood by you in our shared moments of few words
or the way your eyes light up when you hear your favorite song being played
how you tell me you wish you could sing better
and i whisper under the melody - do not let fear interfere with your passions
and i could listen to your raspy voice for hours as long as i could smell the captivating collision created by your cologne and clothing