I dreamt that I was a tyre
but I was punctured,
air was escaping.

I dreamt that I was a tank
but I was leaking,
water was draining.

I dreamt that I was a me
but I was crying,
parts of me were failing.

I can't go on
not when I'm hollow.

I wake up
I think of you.

I brush my teeth
I think of you.

I take the train
I think of you.

I get breakfast
I think of you.

I meet my friends
I think of you.

Every part of my mundane life
I think of you.

I think of you.

I feel so small
Feel like I'm falling short.

While you're thinking about how
We could be heroes,
I'm thinking about how
I wanna fall in love again with you.

Vulnerable. Superficial. Immature.

I can't fight it.
I can't get my **** together.

Why do I miss you so?

I tried to search for
Scraps of things we have left.
Mutual friends, songs, photos.

I only found scraps because so much had
Decomposed since a long time ago.
I cringed and sobbed.

I felt indignant
I tried even harder to remember your
Jokes, scent, habits.

The recollection was pathetic.
Subconsciously memories were fading,
I sweared and cursed.

But there's nothing I can do, because
What's gone,
Will always be gone.

I know one fine day
I would need to wake up
And let all this go.

But for now,
And these few months,
Maybe these few years...

Let me preserve these feelings,
the hurt
the sorrow.

The good,
The warmth,
The love ( if I may call it. )

In case,
Just in case
You turn back.

When I finally admit
The existence of this pain which
Has been here since
God knows when,

I feel liberated.

I guess it was never being
Guilty of hurting you.

It was that
When I hurt you
I was hurting myself too.

It was suicide.