NitaAnn

NitaAnn Oct 2014

Never-ending circles
Ups and downs
This is my life
One day things are looking better
The next everything is falling apart.

A vicious cycle
That is repeated daily
Around and around
Is there ever an end?

Looking for something
Or someone
To turn these repeating circles
Into a straight line of progress.

Searching, crying out for help
Does anybody hear me??

#abuse #memories #si #hurting #survivor

NitaAnn Oct 2014

All Alone

All alone
Nobody truly cares
Promises made but never kept.

All alone
When will I learn
That alone is how it is meant for me.

All alone
Except for the demons
That run rampant through my head.

All alone
Just me and a shiny new blade
Tonight's cuts will be made in honor
Of those who said they "cared".

All alone
Covered in cuts
Blood flows freely from my body.

All alone
Theme of my life.

All alone.

#cutting #promises #abuse #alone #si #survivor

NitaAnn Oct 2014

Sleep

Sleep
Where are you?
Tossing and turning
Night after night
I am exhausted
But no relief do I find.

Close my eyes
And the nightmares start
Which is worse
Being tormented by memories
Or physical exhaustion ?

How do I stop the dreams?
How do I stop the memories?

How can you still cause me
so much pain 40 years later??

Sleep...is not my friend.

It's becoming harder to function as the days continue, I have hit a streak of pure exhaustion, I can sleep for hours and hours and I wake more tired and tormented then before.

#abuse #memories #exhaustion #si #survivor

NitaAnn Oct 2014

The Box

Little girl, I have made you lovely box
Delicate pink with with shiny golden lines
It’s a hiding place for your memories
I cannot be with you all of the time

Put your emotions in the bottle
Put your bottle in this box
Little girl – its what’s safest
Disobey me you best not

Where is the tiny little key
That fits the iron arms of the lock
Why I swallowed that key long ago
While the demons around me mocked

Little girl can you stop it
Repress it before it drowns you
Can you listen to your soothing music
Wrap up in your blanket of blue

There used to be a spare key
But I have lost that one too
Now there is no way to contain this
and you have bid me adieu

For me there is no escape ~ the box is to protect you...

#abuse #memories #hurting #survivor

NitaAnn Sep 2014

Demons

I am in battle
daily waging for possession
of my soul...my life
it is a losing battle
I am so tired of fighting
Demons constantly whispering
just enough to make me doubt
Where can I find strength to go on?
Should I even continue to fight?
Someone please help me

Demons 40 Nita 0

#doubt #abuse #memories #demons #fighting #survivor

NitaAnn Sep 2014

Instead

What I want is to be a little girl who is loved
          instead of abused
A little girl who laughs
          instead of cries in the dark because she is afraid
A little girl who knows she is a princess because her daddy is the King of Kings
          instead of the man who visits each night to ******
A little girl who lives with a family that is kind,
          and has dinners together and plays together

But that is just a dream, because that little girl is no where to be found...
          instead I am fighting moving forward in my healing because I just
         want to go back and change all the ugly memories I have.
To make things right.

                                     **But I can't...and it hurts!!!!!!!

#abuse #memories #fighting #hurting #survivor #******

NitaAnn Sep 2014

Self Injury

Is way of expressing the pain that
I seem not to be able to talk about.
It is how I cope with feeling numb.
It is how I cope when I have so many emotions
I can't even begin to name them.

I self injure to hide the pain I feel.
I self injure and nobody knows but me.
I am me I can not change that
Right now self injury is a coping skill.

I am trying to find new coping skills to learn how to deal with things.
I can sometimes make those other skills work for me,
but on a day like today it seems to be the one reliable thing
that I know will help me get through the rest of the day.

#cutting #abuse #blood #coping #self-injury #survivor