It's not the initial shock and sadness,
it's not the months of forcing yourself
to go through the motions until you feel normal again.

It's not the dividing of the things
or the moving out of your shared space.

It's the inside jokes you'll never get to laugh at again.
The jokes that don't even register in your mind
until someone else says the setup phrase
and you automatically reply,
getting only a confused look from them.

Someone will tell you that she’s seeing someone someday
and that she’s happy and your hands will stop working.

You’ll have to work hard
to hold onto whatever you’re holding.
I hope it’s not glass,
I hope it’s not breakable.

Suddenly you’ll remember
everything that you ever loved about her.
Everything that ever moved you to tears,
made your insides feel
like they were tying themselves into knots.
That she was loyal,
that she was open for you,
that she smiled against your mouth when you kissed.
That it felt easy,
like God had put the two of you together deliberately,
like it had been the plan all along.

But for whatever reason,
you let her go
and you thought that it was the right thing
and for a little while,
it felt like you knew exactly what you were doing.

Except now all the parts of you that touched her
knows that you’re never going to be able
to touch her again and that hurts.
Even your fingers are sad,
even your stomach is aching from the loss of it all.
You’re never going to get that again
and that’s why your regret
looks like artwork that would have been a masterpiece
if you’d finished it.
Your regret looks like plucking a flower before it’s bloomed.
So maybe you’ll call her
and you’ll tell her that you miss her
and she’ll sound gentle on the phone
but not in love with you anymore.
She’ll say ‘we happened
and we were important but you let me go,
I’m sorry, but you let me go’ and that’s how you’ll know.

You said that you were leaving,
At first I tried to stop you.
And you did stop and you stayed,
But only for a little while.

So we laughed, lived, and enjoyed.
Laughed until we were crying.
Lived like we would never die.
Enjoyed each other so much.

We cried until we forgot,
Forgot about why we cried.
But then it had all come back.

You said you were leaving,
But this time I kept quiet.
You didn't stop.
You didn't stay.

We cried.
We  **died.

It now happens every night
We always fight about things,
Things that don't even matter

But although these things don't matter,
Our little fights show otherwise

When did we start hating each other?
When did we last go to bed happy?

When was the last time good night
meant Good night?

I'm so tired and exhausted,
I just need some time to rest,
rest from your uncertainty

Because the way you saw me
before I said I loved you,
was even better than now

When I told you I loved you
after all that we've been through,
you told me you felt the same

But do you still feel me here?
I wish I never told you,
things I've always wanted to

'Cause you said you felt the same,
But that's the thing about it

You "felt".