pretty pretty girl
all wrapped up in pretty pretty ribbon
like a gift

an object

wrapped like an object
stuck in a pretty pretty box
a pretty pink box
dance on your tippy toes
raise higher
higher
higher, darling
break your pretty pretty pink toenails

i want to hear the snap your bones make when you bend backwards trying to please the people all roughly wrapped in blue

pretty pretty boy
all wrapped in pretty pretty ribbon
can you hear the whistles?
can you?

that high pitched squeal that shatters your ear drum
it beats like the bang of a drum
march, soldier
march

open your pretty pretty eyes
all sewn shut

shove purple paint down your own throat if it helps you

pretty pretty pretty girl
pretty pretty pretty boy

pretty pretty people don't exist

I don't like cutting, I don't want to keep doing it
I hate that I keep doing it but yet I don't stop
I wish I could stop but when everything is falling apart and it becomes too much I know what will be there
I know that when it seems like everything is changing some things will remain the same
Like the feeling of a cold blade on my warm skin
The feeling of my skin being cut
The feeling of the pain
The warmth of my blood on my skin
I know that when you rely on something for so long it becomes hard to let go
It becomes addicting
It becomes a habit
A friend
A helper
A supporter
A horrible never ending addiction
You stop for sometime and think you're done forever
But then you fall back into the addiction
It's like a deep hole
You know you will fall back again
When you do the hole becomes deeper
Harder to get out of
It takes longer to recover from
The cuts become deeper
It happens more often
But yet through all this I keep a smile on my face
How is that?
How can I smile when inside I'm falling apart?
When inside I'm miserable
I'm falling apart
I'm dead inside
I'm broken
I'm not the me I used to be
But yet I keep my head held high
I can't just stop cutting
It's not that easy
Because even when life is good my life flips it around
Makes everything seem bad, evil, haunting, tormenting
Words seems twisted
Actions are misjudged
My thoughts begin to run wild
But I know I have to try to get through this
It's like people say
Suicide isn't the answer
So I suffer in silence
I tell no one how I feel
I tell no one about the things I do
I just leave one more
One more cut
One more scar
One more secret
But why?
What good is it?
I've been asked about it before
They ask me
Why?
Why cut?
Why don't you just stop?
Why don't you get some help?
Why don't you tell someone?
I've never been able to give a good answer to this
All I say is this
It helps me
They don't know that sometimes you need to bleed to know you're really alive
So I say I'm okay when in reality I'm falling apart
I know it's not worth it
But yet I don't stop
I may never stop
Until one day it becomes too much
Until I finally get what I want
Until I die
No one really wants to die though
They just want things to change
But do I want change?
No, I just want a normal life
One with no suffering
One with no fear
One with no regrets
One with no sadness
A life with no hate
Especially with no pain
All I want is to be happy and for it to last
I want hope
I want laughter
I want to feel loved
I want to feel wanted
So maybe I don't want a normal life
I want an impossible one
One that can never be
One that no one can have
One that will never exist
Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy
Is it because I'm a hopeless dreamer?
Is it because I want impossible things?
Or maybe I don't deserve to be happy
I feel as if the world has given up on me
I'm not ready to give up on the world though
I will be strong
Even if I'm covered in cuts and scars
I won't give up until I get past this
Until my addiction is gone
This evil thing will not stop me
I will overcome this
It may not be today or even anytime soon
But I will
I will learn to love myself
I will stand tall with confidence
I will find who I am
I will learn to be happy
I will stay strong
I will not cut anymore
I will not fall back
I will not be held back any longer
I'm tired of this
I'm done covering my cuts and scars
It's my past
It's what I've done
This is part of me

December 17th 1998 the doctors say "congratulations, it's a girl"
I do not know what I am

5 years old I am at preschool
I ask "why don't they wear dresses?" pointing to the boys I get an answer that boys don't wear dresses
I don't want to wear dresses, can I be a boy?

Elementary school the boys play football and tag at recess, the girls talk about the cute boys, their hair and their outfits.
I want to play football with the boys but I sit alone on the swings watching the boys.
I wish I were a boy

Middle school the girls are wearing bras and the boys are getting deeper voices. My voice doesn't get deeper but my chest grows, I try to push it back but it doesn't work. My sister want to put makeup on me and have me dress in girly clothes.
But I feel like a boy stuck as a girl

Highschool I learn the word transgender. I cry because I'm not alone. I find out about binders and order one. It comes it the mail, I put it on and put on my most masculine clothes. I already have short hair but I put on a beanie. I look like a boy. I feel like a boy.
I am a boy

The name my mother gave me is not mine. Phoenix sounds right for me. A new beginning, a new life. I will make a boy out of this body.

I'm 15 and scared to tell my family. Over the years in my head I know I am a boy but my body tells me differently. I tell my family that I am a boy. I'm scared and they don't say anything about it. Maybe they think if they don't say anything it will go away. But I am a boy

I tell my teachers and they call me he instead of she. I feel like me. Other students call me a girl but can't they see I am a boy

I go to a store and get called sir, they see me as a boy, I look in the mirror and finally see me.

A boy

Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair,
I can't, I cut it all off.
I don't want that glass slipper either
I'd rather have some combat boots.
I don't want to see the world like Jasmine,
I want to see equality.
Ariel wanted legs but
I want the right body.
Beauty and the Beast,
How about beauty and the trans?
True loves kiss won't wake me from this nightmare,
one simple letter will T.
They call me princess
but I am the prince.
I am not the damsel in distress
because I am the knight in shining armor.
Born a princess but becoming a king.
I am a princess without the S's