did you really love me,
or was i a rebound,
to get through,
the heartbreak,
she is.

loving me,
to you,
was a shield,
to keep you safe,
from her love,
you coward.

was it my fault,
was i too harsh,
was i too pushy,
was it all me?

i was too scar(r)ed,
and he didn't love me enough.

what hurts me more,
is that you called me by her name,
smiled when she'd text,
when you were with me.

it was her all along.

loving you is wrong,
and i promise to never,
do anything right.

i am who i am,
for myself,
not for you,
never for you.

i have become immune to feelings and it hurts so bad to the point it doesn't.

you used me to forget,
i used you to remember.

do you like me because i am there,
or am i there because you like me?

coldly you reply to me,
taking away my warmth,
i am no longer burning, love,
i am freezing.

i am losing my soul,
barely holding onto my body,
how much longer will i last,
i wonder.

i miss all you are,
and all you are not.

heard your voice,
less than an hour ago,
spent more thinking,
about you.

you looked sad,
when you saw me cry,
you wiped my tears.

now tell me,
what would you do,
if you found out.

the tears in my eyes,
screamed your name,
loud and clear.

kept waiting for your name,
to pop up on my screen,
didn't feel nothing,
when it did,
though.

you're different,
you make me feel something,
like none other feelings.

i try to ignore it,
trying not to jinx it,
but you're hard to ignore.

when i see you,
i put my heart in a cage and lock it,
afraid you'll take it.

part of me tells me you love me,
part of me tells me to get over you,
my entire self wants you,
so where do i go from there.

i got rid of all traces,
that connect your soul,
with mine,
if i still have one.

i am trying to unlove you i promise.

i really,
fully,
completely,
utterly,
regret you.

i went on a date,
with someone who's not you,
i felt sick to my stomach,
am i a monster,
or did you make me one.

i cut my hair,
really short,
and i did it,
not because i want to,
but to feel something.


spoiler alert,
i felt nothing again.

i think i love you,
and i hate it,
for i do not know,
what love is,
and what love is not.

i don't miss,
i don't love,
i don't hate,
i don't feel,
i'm barely existing.

comparisons,
between me and her,
it is always her,
just different hers.

sometimes it's your fault,
sometimes it's mine,
it's up to my heart,
and sometimes mind.

they were all lies,
even that look in your eyes,
was the biggest lie of them all.

i despise all there is about you,
my dear self.

when i look at you,
i forget all that is,
not you.

call me silly,
but i had a little hope,
you might call,
and ask to see me,
perhaps then you'd understand,
why i'm quiet.

saw you two mondays in a row,
i don't think you love me anymore.

i hope you love me back,
i know you don't,
i just hope.

each time i ask,
you say you never forgot about me,
yet you act like you did.

you green-eyed soulmate,
get out of my head,
and my heart,
please.

she seems nice,
you finally found her,
after all.

i looked for you,
in all the faces i saw,
the other night.

it's three in the morning,
and i miss you again.

if only you had met me,
when i was me,
we would've been,
something.

will it all be okay as they all say?

you know it's bad,
when i listen to the voice,
of the unknown,
to calm me down.

you have been quiet lately,
and i just hope you're happy.

i want to not love you anymore.

is the future,
as terrifying,
as it appears.

staring into the mirror,
i am unable to recognise,
the feelingless monster,
staring back at me.

i started my journey full,
through all that keeps happening,
i am nothing but emptiness,
of self loathe and painful quietness.

drowning in self loathe i am,
doing things i regret daily,
losing my peace by piece.

sorry to your heart,
sorry to your time,
sorry to all i've wasted,
attempting to be available.

the writer in me,
is just as bad,
as me.