I would give anything to make you coffee.
To hold your gaze in the blissful, morning silence.
I would pet your mind, discreetly.

I would give anything to be the fly on your wall.
To just attain your advances.
To see your smile.
To harvest the scent of your hair.
I would let you love me.
I would provide you the promises that I once could not.

...just another morning rant.

Fearless, ambitious,
honest, complex-
my armored man
tattered and distressed.
Used, displaced-
yet not to
underestimate.
Domineering but tame,
my being he stimulates.
Beauty exceeded
only by pain,
memories depicted
left their stain.
Quick to give,
slow to take-
bigger the heart,
the harder it breaks.
Pretty eyed,
pirate smile;
pessimist at times-
all the while
filled with hope,
love to tend,
my armored man
quick to defend.
Holds his own,
never retreats-
witnessed more pain
than a child should see.
Still he stands,
my armored man,
stronger than you
could even conceive.
Harboring light,
my blues retrieve-
for this armored man
believed in me.

have you ever tried to drown in your own bathtub?
it doesn't really work.
unless yours is around five feet deep (or more),
it probably didn't work for you either.
sadly mine is standard.
maybe a foot and a half of water-
at the most.
and when i laid down to drown,
the water barely covered my face.
blasphemy!
maybe i should try face down,
then in my very own tub-
i might actually be able to drown.

Contagious emoting,
Prestigiously floating,
Committing to life
While time is unfolding.

Displaced trust-
Liars and lust,
Disappear with the wind
As the hinges rust.

Imprisoned in time,
Rushing to find,
The parts we lost
Along the ride.

Along the road.
No place called home.
Sway with trees-
Until the stars burn cold.

As grays recede,  
Eyes don’t bleed,
For the burden of guilt
Has begun to flee.

it only hurts
because i need you
to love me
like i do you
because i
see in your eyes
loving me is a
battle you despise
i felt it fade
furiously
like a majestic beast
tearing through me

it only hurts because
i love you

I do it all for
                          you.
         For a distant time.
                           -A distant life.
Fly on sweet
                         bird.
        
-I'll be seeing you.

Oh t.v.-
how I despise thee.
Consuming the hearts
and the minds of the weak.
Living their days,
only to see,
what gossip they find
on the next celebrity.
Disgusting *******-fiends!
Destroying all the peace!
Probing at these lives
of whom they wish
that they could be.
Discover your own life already!
Uncover all the lies already!
Quit wasting your days
conforming your ways,
for your end will be fast and steady.

Now that the blanket is
lifted from my head,
I am gifted
With the gift
Of my own breath.

Do you ever just want to lay down and cry?
To lock the doors and forget-
That tank outside?
Do you ever just want to abandon your pride?
And tell him your hurting and pleading inside?
Depleting. Putrid-
The only way to describe
This feeling I'm wheeling
And fighting to hide.
Do you ever just want to lay down and cry?
To dismember the censors
And surrender this time?

Suppose I told you
today you'll die.

And you have one shot
to sink or fly,

to fight the tide
or drown or hide.

Suppose I told you
today you'll live.

You get only one moment
to truly forgive

yourself for all
the sins let in.

To finally cease
calling out for him.

Suppose I told you
this is all a dream.

Nothing you see
is what it seems.

Would it make any difference,
any change at all?

Would you choose to fly?
Or continue-
to fall.

so i write to you my confession...
to speak loudly and clear.
for so long, under such suppression,
damnation i had to fear.

greatly i have wronged you,
in more unutterable ways than one.
the truth of my infidelities
have yet to come undone.

i write to you my confession...
of a man of twenty-eight,
my lustful thoughts woed me,
actions i reprobate.

i write to you my confession...
of a man of twenty-two.
in which i spoke salacious words,
a man who is not you.

i write to you my confession...
of heinous and deliberate lies,
knowing quite well the manipulation
would lead to your demise.

i write to you my confession...
recite what you dont know.
the body that belongs to you,
i proceed to show.

i write to you my confession...
for i no longer wish to hide.
my words, my thoughts, my actions,
may now all coincide.

She asked me if I need you
though the walks
the talks
were blue.

Burdened with the headache,
the fear of something new-
repercussions to this decision-
an advocate much
   too valuable
to loose.

Harbor this fugitive of our love that runs deep,
obliterating oceans and barriers between.
Deciphering the waste from the optimally,
landing on my feet
means everything;
maintaining my faith,
a necessity.

Overwhelmed and anxious, I find relief-
in a sense of stability
in the event I flee.
        Always a way out,
        but not always-
back to thee.

She asked me if i need you,
but my response was meek.
"I wonder if I'll need him-
while floating out to sea..."

No longer shall I mourn the promises we never kept,
Miss the morning dances, or the nights we never slept.
I shall not miss how you inspired me to do my best,
Nor long for how if felt with my head upon your chest.
I leave you, for I love you more than you could ever see.
I pray for your happiness, perpetually set you free.

you killed it.
okay,-
maybe it was me.
possibly killed it with my jealousy.
or maybe with my own incompetency.
or with my ignorance.
or just plain mania, you see.
i guess i can't say you killed what used to be.
its my fallacy.
forgive me please,
this place no longer renders-
the heart of my vile poetry.

Failure to flee,
Preemptively,
Has lead me to be,
Alone with 3.
6 little hands,
30 tiny toes,
1 broken heart,
4 hopeful souls.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
Her heart holds Him, but her hand aborts.
Searching for confirmation of a better world,
She prays to discern it, but without worship.
A believer she is, yet still fully skeptical.
She deciphers reflections from the gnostic,
The reality from the deceptive.
And hoping to fully and optimally filter the fictive
She dances with Him, going solely with the wind,
To wherever His capriciousness takes her.
She bows upon His whim.

growing up sideways
not up or down
still recovering from mishaps
misuses, mistakes.
im not her anymore
im not really sure who she was
but she made my life difficult by choice.
at night, dreaming of a past life,
fixing the horror caused-
making everything alright;
i then wake,
to a world unforgivable.
i sob and
scream-
im sorry
why cant you believe me?!?!
ill be seeing you.

Haunted by the thought of you.

Nightmares terrorize
And torment my slumber,
Even though you're gone.

As if you never left.
Like I had never even ran.

Kicking my face in.
Pushing me to death.

You shower me with maggots.
And as they pour down my body,
And death seems like a gift,
You keep me.

Alive
Just enough.

To keep me.

I live in a house of glass.

I wash the windows,
just as I wash my ***.

I sport shredded socks,

I never admit when I am wrong,
and almost always

throw rocks.

home is a place,
where the walls don't smell
of regret,
or extintion,
or torment,
or hell.

home is a place,
where the doors revolve,
ambitions stroll in,
while fears disolve.

home is a place,
where the blankets are soft,
a one story house,
with the roof torn off.

home is a place,
where dreams proceed
to have no limit,
no unreachable deed.

home is a place,
built on hope and faith,
heated by love,
and secured by strength.

home is a place,
which will never break,
because the Lord is my savior
and he guides the way.

Fantasizing of a love that’s real,
To quell this hopeful romantic,
Of old tainted promises and feels.

A bond far beyond all that traverses,
A loyalty that’s unbreakable,
Traveling dimensions and universes.

Unable to be destroyed or dismembered,
Unassailable in its roots,
Yet vulnerable to remember.

All the ups, as well as all the downs.
The daunting fears and the woes,
The worrisome cries with the frowns.

Love that has faced true consequences,
Made such immense sacrifice,
Defying all common senses.

Always and forever choosing one another,
Despite hardships or challenges,
Standing strong by each other.

No longer give in, until truth, I refrain
As I wait to behold that lover-
Hopefully romantic I shall remain.

To hate someone
so fiercely,
To have been hurt
beyond conception,
And yet still
care?

Wanting to so badly
just smash my head
against the wall and
make it stop.

How could I still..
After all you did?
No better yet ..
How could you?!
How could you throw me out
So viciously?
Naked, broken,
Pregnant
Again.

With that sinister smile
on your face
As you enjoyed it.
Every step of the way.
Growing gayer
off of my sheer devastation.

There is no way I could still..
**** dear god why do I still..
No I dont still..
I wish I didn't still..
Love
You.

If I could still write poetry-

I'd write about how you betrayed me.
I'd make it a lyrical nursery
That gently cradled all my insecurities.

They'd bounce around from wave to wave,

Like an ominous symphony.
Synomous to love,
yet fueled by defeat.

If I could still write poetry.

I'd write about being second best,
I'd write about loosing you, and
Above all else- loosing rest.

If I could somehow still write-

Maybe this feeling would flee.
Perhaps then I could show you.
Perhaps then you could see.

In a world of reality and concrete,
We exist in opposition.
While you reside in the physical and tangible,
I resonate in the mystical.  
Our realms do not meet.

If I could alter my position in the stars,
For you I would.
I'd skew the right angle at which we sit
So we could finally see eye-to-eye.

I would be the flames for your airy aura to feed.  

If I could-
I would..

The shyest prize
who sings, but lies,
climatically waves
as she bats her eyes.

With her head held high
the sun can shine,
yet within her dismissal
she'll finally hide.

On display, in such-
a courageous way.
She pretends to be
the smile she fakes.

Inadequate- she'll say.
Trembling with fear
you cannot read
on her face.

The shyest prize,
she sings, yet lies,
falsifies the fear,
and pain in her eyes.

Serene- complete.
She only ventures- to be.
Plays this role
nobody can see.

Sweetest sensation of blindness
Washes over my sight
As I gaze upon your soulless vessel.

Victorious, the transparency that
Allows for my spectacles to see
Beyond.

I look at you sitting here,
Only arm lengths in front of me,
Yet I cannot SEE you.

As if you no longer exist.

I’m so wrapped up in you,
your voice is music to me.
Synonymous to the scent of
a salty ocean breeze.

Like a whiff of the first bud
on a wild rose blooming,
or the violet sensations
of magnolias in spring.

It sings to my soul,
like it’s all I’d ever need
to be completely fulfilled
and eternally pleased.

A melodic symphony,
of a thousand strings,
so powerful it moves me
to the core of my being.

To get lost in you,
comes with so much ease,
encompassed in your presence,
as if all time has ceased.

In a midnight lamentation,
the soul (suppressed) of reprobation,
wallowed in wasted conspiracies-
unjust (censored) confirmations.

My shoes (foundation) which were half on,
stained the beer (love), which was half gone,
that he camped- (devoted) so entitled,
marvelously, (masculine) so magnificently upon.

Ongoing obstacles, alluring alike,
repressed restraints depicted, despite-
ones that evaded, encompassed our love,
which freshly, faithfully, finally took-flight.

That beer (blazing) tottered so temping-
wrongfully, radiantly, reluctantly-right!
It swiveling-and-spinning, (dangling) around the axis of life,
Makes this, yet another- lamentation in the night.

Reminiscent of the way your voice resonated in my ears as you sang to yourself softly.

You caressed my neck with a gentle strength,
and the compounds of time dissolved as the moment took control over us both.

In that moment, I was yours.
Not quite strangers, but not yet lovers,
just two longing humans in each others embrace.

Bound to you by the frequencies which emanated through each one of your fingertips,
surging into my body,
next into my psyche,
and finally then— my soul.

Clinging to my artistic integrity,
like its full of helium
And about to float away from me.

My poetic release in a world of uncertainty,
Gives me control,
no one to manipulate me.

At a time of utter disregard
for human decency,
This artistic exclamation is my relief.

From the chaos of personal grief
And misunderstandings
and unjust decrees.

How is it that we can no longer SEE
each other at all,
for the light that we bring?

Why did you do this to me?
What's the point?
Because I couldn't cook to your liking?
Because I wasn't freaky enough in bed?
Because I wanted you all to myself?
9 vehicles, 4 houses, 1 warehouse,
And yet you can't spare a thing for your family?
Our 3 year old cries to go home.
But we have no home.
It sits empty.
Void like the space where your heart used to be.
While me and your 2 children,
Soon to be three,
Share one small room,
As I work my *** off to try to make it out.
Almost 5 months pregnant,
Searching for work.
Begging for a miracle.
I'll never understand this.
I hate you.
How could you care so little?
Why?
I just wish I knew why..

ode to a man
the keeper of my dreams,
melody of my soul,
the wind beneath my wings.
ode to a man
beautiful as can be
whispers to my heart
only beauty he can see.
ode to a man
who's heart he let me take
used him and beat him
till there was nothing left to break.
ode to a man
who loved me anyway,
though my only heart wondered,
his love did truly stay.
ode to a man
who finally gave up.
i loved him more than anything
but his love was never enough....

Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, oh me.
Wasting along
Till the clock ticks three.
Blindsided-
YOU used ME.
You tell yourself,
It- couldn't be-
Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, oh me.
I loved you more
Than you could see.
Your baggage seemed
More primary-
My life grew more-
On the contrary.
Oh me, oh my,
Oh My, owe me?
Evade the sickness.
Willing to flee-
Done with inattentiveness
And the attention you seek.
Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, oh me-
And Im the one you called
A leech-
Well I guess I ******
Unknowingly.
Goes to show
What you really think
About the life,
You think I lead.
Oh me, oh my,
Oh my, Oh me.
Good-bye YOU,
I'll no longer be
The one to harbor
This insanity.

i once gave all my secrets away.
i gave all my hopes and dreams,
                                       even the horrible things.
i loved whole-heartedly,
                  one fragment at time.
                                       i did do that once in my life.
burn.

i attempt to unravel, undress
these barriers now standing-between
                  
you  a n d  me.

i fear the parts i gave along the ride,
are presently no longer mine
to own,
              they were stolen somewhere-
                                              upon the irrecoverable road.
i search subdued secrets
                                   and invisible inclinations-
only to find,
              what appears to be,
this tattered tangled                                                 twisted mind.
                is diminished by
                                         long-lost-leftover             love.
                                                             stale but           dispensing
hopes and dreams,
                                     even the horrible things.
so long as you promise
to keep them somewhere safe

i promise                                         one day,
                to open locked gates-
                                              and give to YOU
                                                                            all my secrets away.