I used to know how it felt to have a dad.
Or did I?
Was the definition of dad a man with a briefcase that carried the weight of the world rushing to the basement to be alone with more work?
Was the definition of dad a man who screamed when he was stressed because he felt that he had to take care of everything that ever was?
Was the definition of dad a man who walked away from his wife and two children so he could get to the bottom of the next bottle? Did he fall hopelessly in love with the shame and the guilt after each swig? He became addicted to the pain.
Was the definition of dad a man who broke down doors, beat in walls until his hands were shedding blood, and being arrested with dead eyes?

Maybe I never had a dad at all. Someone who gave me money out of guilt and tried to buy my love. Or just to make me go away.

This Father's Day I can't say I can celebrate.

For I'm a daughter without a dad.

Happy birthday to you...
Awkward silence, staring at the colours of
blue sweetness and
smiling faces.
I can't help but wonder
how long I've really been holding my breath.
Happy birthday to you...
I close my eyes and everything is slow
and calm
and at peace.
Happy Birthday, happy birthday...
Inhale....
Happy birthday to you...
Exhale....
Yaaaaaay!*
I wished to be happy.

I am so broken into all these beautiful pieces; can’t you see the reflection in what is left of me?
It's you I need.
The reflection you see
The sad eyes you know
Are the glue that holds me back
Together.
Together,
Your eyes don't have to be
so sad anymore
And I won't be a mosaic
Of all that has driven me mad.
Because with you, all goes quiet.
And I can be held together
For a little longer.
You are the peace I found.
And I am the puzzle you need.

I think I fell in love with someone who I should not have fallen in love with.

* the kind of boy who rolls blunts from torn out pages
  of Revelation that once belonged in his father's bible
* the kind of boy who writes his secrets and insecurities
  on cigarettes and then smokes them, leaving only ashes
* the kind of boy who is thirsty for liquid love rather
  than the intangible feeling of intimate emotions
* the kind of boy who waits at the railroad track for
  rushing trains that will never come to take him home
* the kind of boy who firmly believes that destruction
  is a form of creation and if this is the case, he is an artist
* the kind of boy who finds solace and euphoria in dystopia
* the kind of boy who is likely to break my heart in
  hope of healing the broken fragments of his own

and maybe I'm the kind of girl who will let him.

We are flesh
and blood
and bones.
We are muscle
and we
are skin.  
This is what houses us,
our soul.
It does not define us,
our worth.
We're perfectly designed
differently
To help love
and understanding
grow
for the generations
to come.

Autistically
speaking
I applaud
your intelligence!

flap flap
clap clap

when you
don't think
before
you think

flap flap
clap clap

or open your
*******
******* mouth!

and disparage
and belittle
those with

a learning
disability.

But then maybe
It's you who is
disabled
as you don't
seem able to
distinguish
between what
is right and wrong
what is cruel and kind

flap flap
clap clap

in your ignorance
you are blind
and your
intellectual mind
is a snob
of the worse kind

Looking down
from your high brow
because you
are so clever

I forget
Let's all applaud
and you can remark
(Out of context of course)
that they're all ******* retards

flap flap
clap clap

Well aren't you hard!
You bully when
you say

the dimwits
and the morons,
unloveable,
undateable,
unwanted,
a drain of society
they should all be
put down.

Not somebody
you would choose
to be friends with
or if you did
it would be so you
take advantage of
an idiots good nature
and pure heart!

flap flap
clap clap

Or so you
could look good
in comparison
to them
and maybe it
would knock your
own IQ up
a number or two!

Your average ******
could teach you a
thing about numbers
if you asked them

And you wouldn't want
your own kids
playing
with them
incase they catch it....

Catch what?....
the ability to be
awesome
to think outside
the box
to see feel and
understand
and experience
the world and
people in a
completely
unheard of way.
To smell colours
and taste words,
and your inability
to deviate from
anything other
than your narrow
little mind
really is absurd!

So let's all clap
and flap flap
flap flap flap
and maybe
shriek a bit too!

They are the true
freethinkers
the true misfits
the pure and
the truly blessed

They are
the ones
the people
who are
"different"
"Individual"
as you
would like
to be

flap flap
clap clap
You ignorant ****!

Autistically speaking

Who's the ****** now?



©Jacqui Slade