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May 2020 · 243
Second Chance at *us*
FrostedMustang May 2020
Step into the pools that fill my heart
But do it with trepidation
Because you’ve drowned here before
In the voids left by other men
Brought in by my siren song
But always with a rope to guide them out

Where is your way home, darling
Why do you return to me
With hope in your eyes
And no fear in your heart

I am the monster here
In my own story
Not the damsel in yours
Jan 2018 · 114
What My Accident Did To Me
FrostedMustang Jan 2018
This has been the longest 4 months of my life. Days felt like weeks, and every day, even though progress was being made, I thought I was never going to get past this. I still feel that way.

I haven’t been able to clear my mind or relax for 4 months. I try and remember what happened while simultaneously trying to forget. I replay the events of that day as though it was a movie I once watched, trying to distance myself from it. The same thought pops into my head without fail: it was your fault. You almost killed someone and because of that you shouldn’t be alive. A little faster and his car would have gone off that cliff. A few seconds sooner and I would have gone off that very same cliff all alone.

“No one else got hurt. You could have been a lot worse off. You tried to stop. The car is replaceable. You’ll get past this.” People find comfort in trying to comfort me.

I remember being behind the wheel. I remember nothing. And then the sound of tires squealing. And then a bang. White light was all around me and I thought to myself, maybe it’s heaven. Maybe at some point you did something to deserve heaven. And then the smoke cleared and there was torn metal and car horns and glass and blood. I touched my face and I felt the rough edges of my windshield caked in blood.

I have nightmares now where it ends differently. Where I actually woke up in hell, where the man in the other car didn’t make it, where they end up taking my leg from me. If it’s just quiet enough, I hear the sounds of the collision like most people hear a ringing in their ears.

The first few days were hard. Being in the ambulance, and then the hospital, and then another ambulance, and then another hospital. People flocking around me asking the same questions over and over. And I just wanted it to be over. I forced my mom to go home, I told my closest friend to go feed my cats and let my dog out. It was me and 30 doctors and I just wanted one of them to say it was all finally over.

Night one was spent in Shock Trauma. Being woken up every 30 minutes. Having to *** into a plastic tub. Having my wounds cleaned out and answering more questions. Listening to the gunshot victim on the other side of the curtain scream and cuss. He hadn’t made peace with his fate like I had. He wasn’t ready for it to be over.

The first surgery was a blur. I was whisked away and I don’t even remember that morning. I woke up in a bed. That bed then became my home for a couple of nights. They had put this giant metal contraption into my ankle. They brought me food I couldn’t keep down. My mother hated to leave me. I hated that she had to watch. After a few days I left. But I didn’t go home.

I couldn’t take care of myself and if you’ve ever met me or a person like me you know that was worse than death in my mind. Being dependent was hard and unbearable. Going to the bathroom was a feat. Eating half a sandwich took all my energy. I was disabled and I hated myself.

People called. People texted. “I just heard, I’m so sorry!” “Are you ok?” “When are you coming back?” And then they stopped answering. They stopped pretending they were gonna come visit or help out. I don’t blame them, I wasn’t a person worth seeing anymore. But some people, they showed up. They brought flowers and cards and funny stories and they didn’t lie to me. They didn’t say “You’ll get better” or “I don’t know how you’re alive.” They said they love me, they said they were there and then proved they were.

I went back for another surgery. It was chaos and pain and I woke up in a panic. My heart rate was too high. They kept saying this right in front of me, which in hindsight is probably HOW my heart rate kept increasing. They drugged me up and then took me to my room. My tiny room. An angel walked in and moved me to a suite. You know, nurses don’t get enough credit. Dennis made sure I had a room with a view and a recliner for Mom to sleep in. He brought me the good crackers (the ones I wouldn’t throw back up). He talked to me like I was a person, not a patient. I was glad to finally not feel like the “broken person”.

15 screws and 3 plates. I went home full of metal and a little hope. It was short lived. I still couldn’t do things. I still wasn’t healing as fast as I wanted. My birthday came. And went. Another year I didn’t celebrate the way I had planned.

I got better every day. Learned how to manage with my walker and my wheelchair. But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t feel like I was getting better. A day came when I sat in the bed after watching yet another repeat of Friends. I went to take a painkiller. And the thought crossed my mind. Take them all. You’ll never be a whole person again and what good are you broken? You know how sometimes fate steps in and gives you an answer to a question you didn’t even know you had? I got a text from my closest friend. “Hey beautiful, can’t wait to see you soon.” If he reads this, he’s gonna realize that he saved my life that day. He saves my life all the time.

You know when you sit on your hand or you cross your leg too long and it starts to fade. Have you ever let it fall all the way asleep, where the buzzing kinda stops and all you’re left with is a body part that doesn’t answer to you? After two months, I tried to wake my ankle up. After four months, I’m still trying.

After getting my stitches out and getting the walking boot it got easier. I could do more. I started Physical Therapy. And it’s been helping, I know it has, but I dread going. I hate getting to my re-assessment and seeing the changes and telling myself I should be better than that. Why can’t I move the extra 5 degrees? Why can’t I balance on my right leg? Why does something as simple as walking exhaust me so much?

The first time we drove around a sharp turn, I cried. The first time I got into the wheelchair, I cried. The first time I sat behind the steering wheel, I cried. It’s been four months and I’m still terrified that once I get back to normal my world is gonna rip itself apart again.

It’s been four months since my car accident. Four months since I lost the love of my life. Red Velvet saved my life but I lost her because of it. A complete stranger lost his car because of it. And I am responsible for those consequences.

I’m going to make the world around me better. I’m going to make up for all the things I’ve done that hurt people. I’m tired of being “just enough”. Where I was broken I have been put back together. Where I have lost myself I have also found myself.

Every day I get a little better. I take that first step a little steadier. I hold myself up a little taller. I still get knocked down. I still have moments where things feel impossible and the world gets kinda dark and blurry. I get angry because I feel the world is just punishing me. I get sad because I don’t know where to go from here.

The people that have stayed with me; taking care of me, taking me out, coming by, texting me constantly, sending me funny thoughts, and making sure that when I stepped back into my life I didn’t have to struggle; these are the people that have gotten me though this.

I’m never going to be 100% again, but I’ll be ****** if I’m not pushing my way towards 99%
Apr 2016 · 369
Goodbye, Love
FrostedMustang Apr 2016
You look into her eyes and see the wild,
Almost like you can see into her eternity.
She notices your gaze and quickly looks away
Just as you find yourself wanting to stare infinitely.

Blue and green marbles sneak out from behind
As many strands of golden hair as stars in the sky;
And you are dying to wipe that tear from her cheek,
Knowing very well her pain will multiply if you try.

We all know there is no way to tell someone
How much of their being you want and need
Knowing that they'll never love you back
Which is why you're saying you have to leave

Because you can't force someone to love you back
Or rationalize why you should be together.
So break your gaze and heart and just walk away
If only for today, if not then for forever.
Jan 2016 · 267
Full Moon; Empty Heart
FrostedMustang Jan 2016
I could stare up at the moon all night
Noticing different crevices and caverns
The way it shines so bright in the dark sky
But gentle enough that I could watch forever

I’m mesmerized by the way it glides slowly up
Until it reaches the highest point amid the stars
Like the pupil of your eye between that deep blue iris
And seems to rest above me for quite a long while

And I can’t help but wonder if you’re watching too
If maybe the two are connected, your eyes and the moon
And if you are looking up, thinking about my eyes
And how they cried that night you walked away

*Both my heart and the moon
Full of holes and dull light
Missing human connection
And fading away slowly
Jan 2016 · 173
Tell Them About You
FrostedMustang Jan 2016
Tell them what I did wrong;
All the hell I put you through.
How you left and had your reasons
But don’t forget to tell them about you.

Say I never really cared about us.
How there’s nothing that you could do
And how I never really made you happy;
But don’t forget to tell them about you.

About how I never took care of myself
And how I never could have improved;
That you had to make all the decisions.
But don’t forget to tell them about you.

When you tell them how hard you tried,
There’ll be no reason to believe it’s not true
Because oh-so-perfect you and all-to-nice me
Forgot to tell them all about you.
FrostedMustang Jan 2016
"We have so much in common,
I think I really like you.
I want to spend the day with you
And the night too."

Packed the old overnight bag;
Drove to your townhouse.
An hour on the beltway,
54 miles from me to you.

"Come on upstairs with me.
Now come on over to the bed.
I've been waiting all day for you.
C'mon you know you want it too."

I don't think I can do this I say;
Its not what I envisioned in my head
But it feels so good to be touched again.
Okay I guess we can start here.

"Tell me how much you like it, say my name"
I'm crying the whole time because I know.

"I have to go to work tomorrow now.
I really need to get some sleep.
I cant really sleep well if someone is here.
Let me know you got home ok, I guess."

I take a long dark car-ride of shame.
50mph. 60mph. 70mph. 80mph. 90mph.
How fast can a Mustang go I wonder.
About as fast as a heart can break, I guess.
Jan 2016 · 340
Rinse & Repeat
FrostedMustang Jan 2016
I’m in no shape to love
give love
take love
make love
so I will go out with friends
and have just one more
ok two
ok six
say hello to that guy in the hat
that guy with the beard
that guy with blue eyes
like yours
endless skies
and I’ll have one more
to forget
where I parked
take a ride home
take a ride at home
make a mistake
make it again
wake up ashamed
wondering if you would do the same
knowing you already have
given love
taken love
made love
I’m in no shape to love

Nov 2013 · 276
FrostedMustang Nov 2013
It's when I can't sleep at night
Then I can't focus through the day
It's like wishing I'd pulled you closer
When all I'd done was push you away

And it's like the last time we spoke
All the words I'd planned didn't come through
And you'll never understand it now
You'll never see that my dreams were made up of *you
Aug 2013 · 327
Doesn't Sound The Same
FrostedMustang Aug 2013
When he says 'Baby, you're so beautiful",
Baby, I wish I felt that too.
I wish I could believe it's true;
But I'll never believe what I can't hear from you
Aug 2013 · 552
FrostedMustang Aug 2013
For the first time in a long time
I am at a loss for words;
The one thing I have always been able to alter
And mold into what I was trying to get out.
I can’t even write this poem right now.
Usually five minutes and I have it all summed up
One neat little package of nouns and verbs
******* with a common theme
Tonight, my theme is loss
My theme is *you
Jul 2013 · 343
About You
FrostedMustang Jul 2013
I want to write about you
About this one way street

I want to see the way you see things
How to you
A touch is a touch
Or maybe a hug is a hug

But to me
A hug is you wanting me momentarily
And a touch
Can make me breathe harder and not at all

I want to say the right things at the right time
I want you to talk and not just listen
I want to know you better than I know myself
I want you to want to tell me everything

You can't even tell me what you want
You can't even say that right now
You can't tell me if I matter at all to you
You don't see that I feel lost without you
Jul 2013 · 672
Just Something To Do
FrostedMustang Jul 2013
A come over text from you
The words I miss you too
The witty remarks and veiled charm
The arms that keep me so warm
The laughter you put in my life

Just something to do

A week with no calls
No responses at all
When I need you you're gone
The tears from being so alone
I'll just sit here and hope you love me

Just something to do

A simple "Hey" you'll send tonight
Will make me think waiting for you was right
And when we're laying there falling asleep
I'll honestly believe you're made for me
Until reality wakes us in the morning

Just something to do

"I've got other things to do today"
So once again I'll smile and walk away
Because you said you'd talk to me later
So that's what I'll hope and wait for
Until days have come and gone

Just something to do

I see the way you don't care for me
I'm not a total idiot, you see
But I just want you to want me
The way I keep wanting you
Because I'm tired of being

**Just something to do
Jun 2013 · 344
I Can't Fight You
FrostedMustang Jun 2013
I’m guessing you’re fast asleep right now
In your own bed that I’ve missed so terribly
And I bet you haven’t even thought of me
Even though I am laying here dreaming unbearably

Because when I close my eyes it’s like you’re here
I can feel the way you pulled me closer at night
The lightness of your head lying next to mine
A classic story just not so black and white

I’m laying here, swearing I can hear you breathe
Feel your hand the way it always found mine
A strength I knew you had but had never seen
And I can’t erase the way your eyes would shine

When you looked into my core I knew you knew
I had fallen in love since you'd first walked in the room
I wonder if you knew way back then about my heart
And how quickly a love like this would take to consume
Jun 2013 · 326
Until Tonight
FrostedMustang Jun 2013
When I walk through the door
I see that look in your eyes
Like you see right through me
Until you need me to get through the night

And you keep me up
‘Cause I always dream of you
And I know you don’t think about me
Or even understand what I go through

When I spend the night, I sleep alone
‘Cause it’s almost like there’s no one home
And when I wake you’re there but always leaving
And I get dressed and walk out, always knowing
That you can’t be here,
‘Cause you’re with her
You don’t need me now,
‘Cause you’ll have her
Until tonight <3
Jun 2013 · 234
"I Don't Know"
FrostedMustang Jun 2013
Just passing through tonight

I asked you if you still knew what you wanted

You’ve always answered “I don’t know”

And for a second I swear you’ve got an answer

“I don’t know”

And I’m still here hoping that one day you’ll say

Jun 2013 · 375
Try (20 words)
FrostedMustang Jun 2013
Love me, baby
Because I need you
Because I need your love
To give me a chance
Because I would try anything for you
Because I'm not giving up
Jun 2013 · 573
This Night With You
FrostedMustang Jun 2013
Hurt                                                                 Lost                                                   Scared
Unlovable                                                   Desperate                                             Lonely
Betrayed                                                      Put-down                                      Depressed
Angry                                                               Sad                                               Forgotten
Unwanted                                                      Used                                               Stranded
Ashamed                                                       Jealous                                           *******
Confused                                                       Broken                                            Shattered

*This is how you've made me feel. And I'm never gonna forget that this is how love ends for me
May 2013 · 762
20 Days
FrostedMustang May 2013
20 days
Of wishing you missed me;
Of wishing I didn’t miss you.

20 days
That’s how long it took for me to cave;
For me to ask to come see you.

20 days
Since I’ve felt any emotions;
Since I felt like I had reason to breathe.

20 days
The longest days I’ve ever lived
And you haven’t even kept count.

20 days
Because we were both too busy;
Because I don’t want you to know I love you.

20 days
Since I thought we might become something
And realized that’s not what you wanted.

1 hour
Since you held me like you loved me;
Since you told me I couldn’t stay.

1 minute**
That’s all it took to break my heart.
Better you than anyone else I suppose.
May 2013 · 1.3k
I Wish It Was Me
FrostedMustang May 2013
I wish you felt this
This desire I feel for you
I think you feel it
Just not for me

I wish you felt this
This longing for your presence
I think you long for someone
Just not for me

I wish you felt this
This need for your affection
I think you have affection
Just not for me

I wish you felt this
That you could never love me
I think you've got love in you
Just not for me

I wish you felt this
This pain in my heart
I think you've felt this pain
Just not for me

I wish you felt this
How one person can so wholly love another
How it kills me to know you just might
*Just not for me
May 2013 · 576
What I'm Afraid Of
FrostedMustang May 2013
What if I told you
I don't want to be loved?
I chase away love
Because I am afraid to be left


Scared to breathe

Because what if it comes to
Where I can't breathe without




All the time
Every time I think about it
Over think it
I become even more afraid
FrostedMustang May 2013
Eyes that see right through my *******,
Right through to my heart
And what I think I want from you.
They tell me that I’m never turning back

A grin that I can’t help but respond to
I’ve either done something stupid
Or said something funny
And I love how you don’t need words

A set of hands that have total control
Strong when you want them to be
But so gentle I feel like I’m floating
And they’re the only things that hold me down

A chest that rises and falls
Like all the other great things have done.
The perfect place to rest my tired head
Because inside is the part of you I want

A big heart with a slow beat
I know there’s more to it than you let on
And the scars that keep me out
But you aren’t using this right now

Your brain, where all the thinking happens
Where you decide who stays and who goes
How long you can put up with me
And that makes you say the perfect words

And those lips that keep me close
The reason I can’t stay away
Because even when I lose sight of it all
They bring me back down to you

— The End —