There came a point when the cancer spread to your brain,
A point in time where you couldn't even yell out in pain.

When the clicker was a telephone,
And you sat in a hospital bed all alone.
Not noticing the crowds of friends coming to say their goodbyes.

Some to laugh and some to cry.

All talking to a woman they used to know but now sits silent,
Minutes passing and closer to dying.

I was then only in my adolescence.
Sixteen.
cruel and mean.

I waited for the crowd to dissipate,
Standing in the doorway,
thinking of what to say.

To the mother whom I said I hate,
Yelled and fought and ran away.

I lied next to you,
covered in confusion as to what to say,
What to do?
"I'm sorry for every bad thing I've ever said and done"
"You really are the best, mom"

Thinking it was too late and you didn't understand,
I went to leave but you raised your hand.

Caressing my arm as we lie in silence together,
A moment that resonates in my soul forever.

The moment my thoughts were free,
The moment I made my peace,
The moment you made the decision to leave.

A long car ride on a hot summer day,
Driving fast past the trees.

Your hand grasping my thigh tightly,
As you whisper "you're always such a tease"

I wear a little white dress,
With easy access.

Your hand makes its way slowly up my thigh.
As I let out a long, drawn out sigh.

My head now leaning against the cold window,
You retract your hand and the car begins to slow.

The sun illuminates the reds in my hair,
I run through the tall grass young and without a care.

You stand behind watching from afar,
Snapping pictures of the trees,
Of me,
Of your car.

I make my way back to you,
Standing closely by your side,
You take my hand in yours,
Asking me if I mind.

Our love forbidden by the decades in between,
We always said age was just a number,
And nothing ever is as it seems.

I wake up lonely,
It was only just a dream.

Why is it that I always shake when I'm anxious?
Re-reading our old messages, and skipping through pages.
You enjoyed every inch of every word that I had said,
I yearn so deeply to be the only thought that runs through your head.

I replay in my mind every second of our last conversation,
The tension that hung heavy in a room where my words now stay wasted,
On a man who only pretended he cared,
All the promises he made tucked messily in a box somewhere.

I am now neurotic and obsessive,
But I'm young and won't learn my lesson.

I'll spend the next few months dreaming of you as I lay in bed,
Shaking and cold and out of breath,

Because I tossed away, into you, all that I had left.

Remember our plans for the cruise to Alaska?
I had dreams about that trip for a long while after.
Snowy hills, and crisp cold air,
Polaroids of the dark grey ocean in a pile somewhere.  

You said I was intelligent and pretty,
Although I  always felt more annoying than witty.
And I know I didn't go about things in a conventional way,
But I still pray every night that I'll see you again someday.

Before me you explained that you've  been left without love and a broken heart,
And I promised i'd never do that to you from the start,
Maybe I've failed you and pushed you back into your shell,
But I've always hoped you were nothing other than well.

I always reflect on your stories about back then,
The 90's getting drunk to A Perfect Circle with your best friend,
I listen to that album now on repeat almost everyday,
It reminds me of you and all the things I wish I could say.

And as chills make their way down my spine,
I envision a future time when everything will be fine,
Even if it's never anything more than just friends,
I hope to be able to speak with you again.

With your big blue eyes,
And your warm heart,
I wish there was a button where I could press re-start,
On a story that could have been so much more,
But is now left unanswered behind a closed door.

It's been a while since I've written a poem,
But I knew that no matter what you deserved your own.
I'll go to sleep tonight and dream about Alaska,
Your warm hands around my waist snapping pictures of the snowy pastures
Coated in new beginnings and what could have been,
We'll talk about how we'll never go home ever again.