I remember reading somewhere that memory has a link to doorways. That whenever you pass by a door, you tend to refresh your mind and forget something. And to retrieve the lost memory, you just walk back through the same door and you'll remember the information when you stand in the first room.

Our old house used to be a small, simple space; on just one floor and not many rooms. We've filled the house with so many memories, we didn't have space to make compartmental rooms. Every gap had our scent and laughter; we've touched every single square of our walls and floor, all the way up to our ceilings.

But then the laughter started to stop and the space felt too small. It was hard for us to breathe and secretly we started to scratch on the walls, hoping we could find a way out. You did it first. You left and took off in the night while I was alone, thinking what should I keep and which should I bail.

Determined not to remember what we had because you went oh so easily, I built myself a new house. Instead of a simple one-floor plan, I built a house that stretched long and far, with many doors in between. Maybe if I go through countless of doorways, I'll be able to really forget about what we had, about you, about us. And maybe by the time I reach the final door, it's like the first house, and you and I never existed.

-m.b

Hours ticked by as I sat upon my bed, reading what's written on my screen and I grew more irritated by the minute. Odd, there were no specific triggers but anything these people said made me angry. Silent yet violent waves crashed against my ribs. Red, angry waves. Teeth clenched, shoulders tensed, perched at the end of my bed.
But a message from you popped up and so I clicked on it. You replied my message that --in the midst of my random anger-- I've forgotten I sent earlier. A simple, one-sentenced message saying "I love you most" with a series of hearts changed the emotions I've felt.
The red that I saw turned to a soothing blue. The violent waves in my chest went from roaring to calming, still waters. My perked up tongue laid down into a comfortable slumber. My once-tensed shoulders drooped in a relaxed manner.
Just like that, the unfathomable anger that got me riled up for no reason, was tamed and forgotten; thanks to your presence. What is this magic you yield?

-m.b

These lives once clung
to me;
supplying warmth and
energy.

But they've dried out
and left me cold.
So I peeled them off,
shedding skin that's old.

Cleansing, cleansing.

Determined to leave
my epidermis
smooth and new
before 2020.

-m.b

Do you also have that one person in your life? That no matter how many months have passed, they still get the insides of your stomach flipping?

That you went through a long period of time thinking you're fine but when you talk to them just one more time, and all the feelings you had for them--the ones you swore you got over--came rushing back like waves? That when you ease back into a conversation with them and it's just like old times; you both got stupid smiles plastered on your faces as you enjoy each other's company?

And when they open their mouth to say I love you, you can't help but feel all fluttery inside. Wishing, hoping, that maybe this time they'll say it romantically instead of platonically.

But then a third person comes into view and it's their partner. And your smile freezes.

Cause oh no.

He was never mine to begin with. And he never will be.

And all those feelings go down the drain. Just like how you two parted before. That he could not love you the way you want him to.

And all this love you carry, well, you just keep carrying it. Hoping someone else will share it with you.

Just not today.

-m.b

I ran out of things to burn to send you smoke signals. Or maybe I just want to preserve what I still have so I would not destroy my treasures anymore. I do not want to wake up one day, completely alone in an empty space because I keep burning things to make you notice me. Why am I always the one sacrificing things here? Now my lungs are filled with polluted smoke, my heart pierced by longings, head filled with strong debates on whether I should keep you or leave you. Do I send you one last signal? Or is the silence already a message sent?

-m.b

Gone are the days where I think of people I love as art.
The emotions I felt when I looked at their canvas; buried deep inside me.
But the artwork got up and left me for another museum.
And I'm left reminiscing the strokes and lines and colours.
They were never mine to keep.

-m.b

And he said
"I keep having dreams of the same girl. She's always far off in the darkest corner of the room. Her skin is always covered in black paint and her mouth opens to talk about bitter truth and she would laugh at her own dark humour. I often try to coax her to talk to me but sometimes she would look at me with a frown, like she's analysing me. Sometimes she would sing to lamented ballads which causes my chest to hurt. I wonder what she went through. Where I walk, I'm surrounded by light. So when I'm within her axis, her painted skin clears up and she would smile genuinely more. With each dream, we would get closer but here's the thing; whenever we get too close, I wake up."

-m.b

She is a swirling cloud of seduction,
Breathing in whatever that catches her attention.
She is all milky pearl and cherry red wine,
and peachy pink sighs.
Touching you in all the right places,
Marking her beauty on every possible surface.

You'll sigh her name late at night,
Wishing she could be by your side.
Left alone, drunken
on love you could never call your own.
Eternally wanting a piece of her
but no man nor god could ground her ether.

-m.b

Didn't realise just how much I associate some songs with you until I play it out loud and instead of singing and dancing around, I just stand there with an ache in my chest, missing you 10x more and wishing we could talk again.

I thought I was okay but moving on is such a tricky thing. Some days I'm having a good time and I don't think of you at all and some days..some days you're all I think about and I miss you. I miss your eyes and hair and voice when you call out my name and hype me up.

How you'd ask me how I'm doing and I'd tell you in great details even though my day wasn't all that productive but you'd listen anyway cause you genuinely care. How you could say anything and it's like butter sliding down a warm pancake; making me feel good and happy. So happy.

But now I'm just barely going through life, day in and day out; climbing into bed at night hoping I could see you when I fall asleep. Then waking up, reaching for my phone wishing your name would pop up. I miss you. I miss you. Don't you miss me too?

-m.b

I miss you a little too much, my voice echoes; bouncing off the white walls. But you would only come by as you please and I'm left parched for your presence. Cause how else am I getting enough sunlight if not from your voice and skin and bones? Please come back.

-m.b

I woke up late again.
My body couldn't seem
to differentiate between
the am and pm.
What with the rain pouring
and the grey sky peeked
between my fading
yellow curtains. Weak.
I feel weak unlike
when you're here.
I love it when we talk
because it's just sheer
happiness.

I'm sorry if I seem so clingy but ever since you came into my life, I seem to have so much energy. Like all of a sudden I have a motivation to get out of bed before the sun rises and I want to tackle so many tasks and get my day going. That talking to you was like consuming energy pills and all I do is have this stupid smile on my face that I can't seem to hide and I laugh so much, it keeps bubbling out of me. That I just want to keep talking to you because I've spent so many months feeling numb and all I see is grey and all I hear is white noise. But you showed me what it's like to live again. To see a clear road ahead and I could do anything and I actually want to do it. You make me feel alive.

But I guess I can't
have too much of you.
Like in a day, the sun
would shine for just 12 hours.
Can't get too comfortable
cause (like now) you'll leave.
And I have to be able
to once again, live.
This time without you.
At least I've taken
my baby steps you've
generously shown
how to do it. Though I'm hurting.

It's hard to try when you're not there. I've gotten so addicted to your presence cheering me on cause now that you're not here, I feel like my tank of motivation is near empty. That I don't have the urge to get up anymore. What use is it, if you're not there to share all my accomplishments with? I feel like a fool. A fool waiting for a star to cross the sky to let me know you've missed me the way I've missed you. But it's pretty clear that I'm the only one who feels so strongly here. You've done your job and gave me a taste of your medicine so now you're treating other people. I'm not numb anymore though. No. I keep feeling things lately. I feel a pang of pain in my chest because I miss hearing your voice and how you could make me laugh like no other. That we speak in the same language and I feel like our soul and mind are intertwined. The rush of excitement I feel when I see a message but it deflates when it isn't you. How everything I see or hear reminds me of you and I want to talk to you about it but you wouldn't answer me back. I'm slowly giving up on trying to talk to you. Now I'm just here waiting for love through a screen.

-m.b

Knowing you has taught me many things.
You taught me how it feels like to be heard.
You taught me how to be strong.
You taught me to look inside me
and all the beauty inside it.
You taught me to see my worthiness.
You taught me I wasn't the monster
I thought I was.
You taught me that I can be powerful
and that you can be powerful too.
You see, you also taught me that
those Greek myths I've been reading
up on can be true.
I realise that you're a living gorgon.
How your blood could either
heal me
or **** me.
Above all, you taught me I deserve better.
And so I beheaded you.
Because you were right.
I deserve better.
Better than you.

-m.b

Sometimes there are days like today.
Where I was okay at first.
So I turn on music.

You know, the ones I used to listen to
when he was a constant in my life.

Where instead of enjoying the songs,
my mind grows blank.
I sit back and let the music fill me
with emotions and memories.

Of when I first listened to it,
the times we would listen to it together,
the times I listened to it alone, without him.

All the emotions I've buried in between
the lyrics and rhythms of the songs.

The laughter in his presence
and the pain in his absence.

I can't not listen to them
even if his ghost lingers still
in these lovely songs.

-m.b

My fears came back.
Day by day, it would boil within me.
Gnawing in my stomach as I try to fall asleep,
then erupt in the cold mornings.
Crawling its way out through my esophagus,
like an army of giant spiders, fighting to get
out from my mouth.
I could not digest my food peacefully
and my eyes are constantly watering.
The toilet bowl became a familiar companion.
My knees become weaker
and my shoulders are always tense; hurting.
Nights are spent sweating,
even with the A/C turned on in my small room.
The circles around my eyes grow darker
and the lines are carved deeper.
I begin to resent my reflection.
My fears ate at me slowly
until I am anything but cool and stable.

-m.b

Everyday after we stopped talking,
I've been running.
Running fast and hard,  away from my guilt.
Some days it'll catch up on me,
filling me up from the pit of my stomach,
gnawing its way up.
And some days I'd let it.
After all, it is what I deserve.
I'm sorry I popped up in your life,
pulled you in day by day,
then tell you I couldn't go on further.
I was desperate and lonely and curious
but realised I wasn't ready.
Perhaps I never got over my
fear of commitment.
I foolishly thought I did.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You didn't deserve any of it.
Thank you for your kindness, though.

-m.b

I know you've been hurt many times before.
So now your brain is wired to see the
opposite *** or potential crushes as a threat.
A threat to your self confidence.
A threat to your inner peace.
A threat to your just fully healed heart.
But there comes a time where you have to let
your walls down just a little bit.
There are good people out there.
You have to let them in.
Maybe you won't feel so bitter and cold
if you'd just let some sunshine in.
It's a scary thing to do, of course.
To bare a vulnerable part of yourself to
someone after being stabbed before.
But past injuries should not hold you back.
Don't you know diamonds are made under
great pressure?
All these hardships will shape you into a gem.

-m.b

I remember being on my first longest flight. We took the midnight flight and I remember dozing off many times. Whenever I awake I would look out the window and see the dark sky, peppered with grey clouds, illuminated by my old friend Luna. She was next to me the whole night; a brightly glowing orb, floating for God knows how many years since her birth. At times when I wake up and feel restless that we were still flying, I'd look up to Luna and she would be there. Shining patiently and wisely. It filled me with a sense of warm serenity. Her beams of light bounced after each passing cloud, chasing my flight and I felt so at peace. That at my first long journey, I was accompanied by an old, loving friend. When everyone was asleep, I had silent conversations with Luna about my thoughts; my fears and expectations. She listened patiently until I felt content.

I felt a twinge of sadness when I woke up the next time, the dark night has transformed into a brightly lit sky. This time it was Helios in Luna's place. I've never really been close with him so I wasn't exactly sure how to feel or react. But it was the first time I met him up close, thousands of feet in the air. I never knew how beautiful it is to see Helios starting the day by waking everyone up from slumber. Helios, a brightly glowing lava spreading rays from clouds to mountains. I've always been the one thinking about days ending, I never bothered about days starting. Helios grew stronger and illuminated our journey with his jovial rays. Where Luna was silent, calming and patient, Helios was loud, energetic and eager. I am blessed that I was accompanied by the two powerful beings. My fears turned into excitement and I no longer grew afraid of long journeys. Not when I have them.

-m.b

Being with you was like being in a movie.
The summer romantic comedy, roller-coaster
of a plot that went on for a full year;
accompanied by beautiful soundtracks.
A roller-coaster because at one point it
dropped heavily into a tragedy.
There were so many soundtracks it felt
like a musical.
When I think back, I could only remember
night car rides, laughter, nerves and a lot
of music playing.
Ever since the "movie" ended, I've been
sitting alone. The stillness of a post credit
scene that never came.
So when I listen to the songs again,
it's like re-watching the movie all over
again. Your favourite old movie,
Re-living the good and bad parts;
especially knowing when your heart is going to break.

-m.b

I wonder what her voice was like
and if it was that he fell in love with.
I wonder if he still misses laying
his head on her shoulder or tummy
when he starts to feel ******.
I wonder if my hands are warm enough
to ease away his anxiety
and I wonder if I'll ever be enough
to take his mind off her.
And will I ever be enough to be with him?

I wonder if she'll ever stop running
through his head when he isn't sober.
That my love could start burning
so bright, his life could start over.
Could I offer an opportunity he wants?
Could I make him fall in love again?
Why am I hurting so much, wanting
to be the one he turns his attention to?
I'm feeling things I thought I buried already
but he keeps digging into me. I'm reviving.

-m.b

Time and time again,
I chose you.
And every single time,
you looked away;
never choosing me.

Yet I still paint you in white,
place you on the highest tier.
Look at you with adoration;
with rose coloured glasses.

I still wait for the day
you open your eyes
to look at me.
With open arms,
realising I was right.

The voice saying I'm wrong
are immediately hushed
and pushed to the farthest wall.
You don't know anything at all.
Silly, silly me.

-m.b

It's the low thrumming sound;
I could feel it within my spirit
whenever you're not around.
I didn't think I would get hit
by Eros just yet. I was doing so fine
on my own. Life is funny.

The rhythms come together
when we catch each other's waves.
This is so cliché but life just got better.
I feel like all the negativity paves
way and made room for your presence.
Counting my blessings, you're a godsend.

-m.b

There's this girl;
      who would cry alone.

No one to hear,
      no one to help.

Just as quickly as she starts
      to cry,

Her eyes dry up
      as if she never cried
  in the first place.

-m.b

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
The hood of the car gleamed, painted teal.
I kicked off my shoes, baring my pink feet.
Your jet black hair ruffled by the wind
and I sang loudly to a song you hate.
I burst out laughing every time you winced
then we drove until the night grew late.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
We debated where do we go for a meal
until our throats grew parched from the heat.
Your sweat gleamed in the sunlight
and you laughed at my running make up.
We watched shooting stars at night
while scooping up cookies and cream from a tub.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
You recited a poem about how you feel
every time our eyes and fingers meet.
You placed a hibiscus in my hair
and kissed many parts of my skin.
Telling me how you could not bear
to leave me. Through thick and thin.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
We broke out in a peal
with each joke and pun you uttered.
I grew fond of your warm voice,
especially when you read out loud
from the thick book of poetry and prose;
going in circles, jammed roundabouts.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
On August first, we made a deal.
That we'll stick with each other, won't cheat.
We did our handshake and giggled
when we kept messing up, then started over.
One hand on the wheel, you struggled
like a rookie flame thrower.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
You parked by the roadside to kneel
and asked me to be yours on February 13th.
I laughed and I cried and you did the same
when I said "yes" almost immediately.
We cried a lot and you were never ashamed
of emotions. You always wear it beautifully.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
Fresh bride and groom, I let out a squeal
of happiness for I love you with every heartbeat.
We drove around for our honeymoon,
picked up languages to dance in our mouths.
Wide awake at nighttime, sleeping in afternoons,
different adventures, different months/

We were in a car; with me on the wheel,
you on the passenger seat.
Went for a check-up when you felt ill.
We picked up a scattered magazine to read
as doctors and nurses bustled in and out.
We were assured that you will be fine
so we continued to drive and shouted
at your sickness to leave you alone.

We were in a car; me on the wheel,
your clothes on the passenger seat.
Try as you might, you couldn't seem to heal.
I couldn't take in all the deets.
All I remember was our deal and I had
to laugh at the irony. The only person
who cheated was life. Now you're dead
and I'm left, driving alone on this transition.

-m.b

I used to think of you as an angel.
But with those wings, I wish you'd reenact Icarus' death when he flew too close to the sun; the long drop into the sea.
Maybe when you drown you could feel how suffocated I was all this time.
Again and again like some sick person would rewind my pain on a worn vinyl.
Heartbreaks aren't always equally shared, darling.
Sometimes I wish you suffered too.

-m.b

Maybe if I don't talk about love, I
wouldn't want it anymore.
But it is as though it is my
name. I couldn't look at it with abhor.

For love is a part of me
and as much as I try to scrub
it off me, I couldn't bleed
myself dry. I can't make this up.

-m.b

I had this pretty vision of you, of us.
So meticulously designed,
I wanted it to come true. So trust
me when I say I was broken
when it didn't turn out the way
I wanted it to be.
I wanted it so badly, I would pray
for you and me.
Many times I felt so hopeless
because you aren't what I planned.
I placed you in boxes
when you should have been freed.
I'm so sorry but at least now I can see
The only toxic person here was me.

-m.b

They say that the people in your life
crosses your path for a reason.
That everything is an epitaph;
carved forever, shapes you into a person.
I suppose it's true. My journey is a drive;
passing by houses filled with antidotes and poison.

Cause honey when I think of you,
I think of cuts and bruises;
I think of gaping wounds, skin turning blue.
These are the things my mind chooses
to remember, even if it's not entirely true.
I try to change my mind but it refuses.

When I think of you, I try to remember
the good moments we had. Like laughing,
embracing, midnight talks together.
Tell me why do I only remember lashing,
hurting, being worried that I'm an offender?
You'll always be the villain in my story telling.

I suppose everyone has an expiry date.
After some time your insides began to rot.
My craving for you turned to bitter hate.
I threw you away because loving you, I could not.
See, all these thoughts of you, made me afraid.
And you were my life's biggest lesson ever taught.

-m.b

Your favorite shirt, with its earth colours
lay folded in a corner, aged with dust.
You'd wear them on our best days, my fave hours.
Tinkering laughter, warm hugs and solid trust.
Running in the rain, hear you call my name.
Dancing to music, writing you lyrics;
Oh it's a museum of memories.

But bridges burn, leaves fall
and times change.
You made a turn, I gave my all,
we were on the edge.

I dived in and the skies changed colours.
From rock to mud to flowers.
Icy from the winter then hot in the summer, oh.
Baby, seasons change and so did I.
My feelings for you has faded, has faded, has faded.

Remember how we used to gush about each other,
couldn't keep our hands to ourselves?
Did we really come all this way to ******
what's left of our books on the shelves?
We were so vibrant then, but now it's all grey.
So numb and tasteless and dull.
Whatever plans we had, got abandoned.

-m.b

Hair from black to brown
to pink to purple to blue
to brown to black then white.

Achievements printed,
ink on paper.

Another face on
the subway,
another student
graduated from school.

Water drank,
food digested.
Night and day.

Clothes bought, worn,
washed, tossed aside.

Death craved
but feared
the most.

How am I grateful
but never satisfied?
I am so sorry.
It never does make sense.

-m.b

Your bones were literally
pressed hard against my throat
and I, gasping for air,
was still worried that my
loving arms was going to
hurt you.
How does that make sense?
Somehow, thinking rationally
was never my strongest
suit whenever I'm with
you.

-m.b

How are you able to turn
a sweet fragrance
into a toxic fume?

How are your beautiful promises
then are now ugly lies;
deafening both of us?

-m.b

You left. I know.
My friends tried to soften the blow
but I turned a blind eye,
hoping I could save my
heart from being torn to shreds.
There are no regrets.
Or so I keep telling myself.

I don't want to know
why or how or
when you left,
knowing it'll cut deep
and I'm just not ready for that.

Remember when I wasn't even
interested in you at first but then
I fell and you caught me mid-air
and I've loved you since?
I loved you before and I always will.
Even if I'm hurting, still.
You'll never leave the messy crevices of my mind.
For you are so beautiful, loving and kind.
We're not likely to meet again
but I really hope you'd catch me one last time.

-m.b

It's getting quiter and it gets a little lonely sometimes.
But I keep drawing on the walls.
Hoping someone will stumble upon me;
The way you did.
And maybe I'll break free from the castle I created for myself.
But for now I like my brick walls.
It keeps me safe.

-m.b

Remember when we used to chat all the time?
All the sweet words you kept raining on me.
That my brain keeps telling me
No no no. Don't fall for him. Don't.
Run. Save yourself.
But no.
I read your words.
I heard them.
Wanting so badly to believe.
I did.
Blindly letting you lead the way.
And in the darkness I was drunk on your sweet, sweet words.
Then you pulled away.
Letting me roam and bump and fall and scrape myself.
With bruises and cuts and you
Never. Once. Helped. Me.
I lay helplessly on the ***** floor.
Messy and sticky with your then sweet promises.
If I see you again,
I want you to repeat all your words.
See how you like it now.
See how you can say it straight to my face.
All the empty promises.
All the fake confessions.
I hope you choke on them.
I really hope you choke on them.

-m.b

I was at the train station and heard someone sneezed.
It sounded like you so
I whipped my head in that direction,
craning my neck
to look for a familiar outline.
This city is big but
I was hoping that
the world would be small enough
so I can see you again.
It's been way too long.
I miss you.

-m.b

You'd gawk at the scarlet petals,
admiring the beauty.
You get close, you're on different levels.
"It doesn't matter, it's pretty,"
you would say. Time and time again,
you'd pick it up,
only to be startled by the pain.
When will the lightbulb
light up, to tell you
that these thorns
will hurt you?

-m.b

We are like DNA strands.
Coming together, intertwined
into a double helix.

Our stories were written
before life breathed in us.

We are similar,
though not identical.
But we come together;
Inseparable. Here we are.

A part of each other,
linked into a ladder.
Together, we make up
as an individual.
We are science at
its finest.

Our love is our hypothesis.

-m.b

The tears welled up,
fell,
and streamed down
into a river.

My love for you was as natural
as a constellation formation,
as a gathering of storm clouds,
as flowers blooming then wilting.

But I guess it is just
as natural for this to end.
Like the sky clearing up
after a whirling of tornadoes.
Like a bird no longer tweeting
when the night comes.

What tears I've shed,
will be  refilled again.
I have loved, they have left.

But I will love again.
For I am ever growing.
I am made to love and hope.
And I will never run out.

-m.b

I will be the one you think of
but right now is not the time.
I will be the reason why you cry, boy
cause what we have is intertwined.
And although your heart is breaking,
I'll be free finally.

You will think of me.

Cause for once, we won't collide.
I'll be the one to smile at you.
Baby, there's nothing to hide.
We were happy once, it's true.
But now we have to go our own ways.

Don't worry, I'll stay tonight.
Holding your head, caressing your hair.
Reminiscing the good times;
The love we've built everywhere.
I know it hurts, we've seen it all.
But every story has an ending.
If we were Troy, this is our fall.
What we had was really something.

Tonight and every night after,
you will think of me.

-m.b

I woke up angry.
You were in my dreams again.
I can't remember what it was about but I know your presence anywhere.

I felt sad.
Why did I let myself get dragged with just a flip of your head?

I feel motivated.
You are not allowed to allowed to toy with me again.
No, you don't deserve that.
You don't deserve me.

The sun rises.
I will conquer the world again.
And boy, I'll be a better version of me.
And you can't steal that from me.

-m.b

I've come to terms that I am now making a home out of myself. I feel like all my life I made homes out of people and I was never truly happy. I was wondering why but now it makes sense that I was just renting. I was just temporary. In other words, I was expected to either leave on my own or get kicked out. I think I've experienced both. But that's history. I'll focus on my own now. Building a new house within me. It'll take awhile, getting the vision house I had in mind to come to life. Decorating with all my favorite collection of artifacts, colors, prints. It's a lengthy process; packing, unpacking, moving my things but I know it'll be worth it in the end. This is the dream home I've always had in mind but never thought I'd hold the first brick in my hand.

-m.b