If there were a language for walls,

It would mumble,
Per broken jaws.
The sun would shine through fragmented holes,

A windows' lone goal?
To magnify heat,
Til' all was engulfed.

With confirmed dead inside,
None knock, as they've read inscribed:

"Family tree,
Difficulty,
Unavailable."

"Family business,
Buy one,
One comes free,
Fire wood sale."

His confessions were slow and seldom
Whereas yours fall rapid and steady
From your lips, dipping down
To kiss my body
His loneliness was everlasting
Whereas yours settles for nothing
Looks me square in the eyes
Daring me not to smile
His words left me bruised and blackened
Whereas yours find soft healing
When you tell me you'll do small things too
To make me happy

emptiness has never felt so fulfilling.
nothingness has never weighed so much.
loneliness has never been so comforting.
intangibility i've never been able to touch.

freedom has never felt so conflicted.
innocence has never felt so unclean.
distance has never felt so constricted.
simplicity has never felt so serene.

trust has never felt so unnatural.
truth has never felt so far away.
beauty has never been so factual.
paths have never lead this far astray.

lifetimes have never lasted this long.
but seconds have never been so short.
words I could never put into song.
so writing them is my last resort.

Existence isn't free.
Misery is the cost.
I've never felt so "me".
I've never felt so lost...

I met him in October,
The month he was born.
I met him in October,
And it was cloudy and chilly
And I hated him.
Not because he wasn't funny,
Or nice.
But because there was something inside me telling me to stay away.
Run away.
I guess, at some point I lost myself in the vast sea that I thought was his love.
And I let myself drown without realizing it.
I made myself into puzzle pieces that were his smile
And the way his hand was twice the size of mine.
He took all of my insecurities and made them into his own.
He hollowed out my bones and fit himself inside.
Fighting was our favorite past time
It was loud and uncomfortable and mean and wrong.
I left him in December,
Two long years later.
The month that I saved myself.
When I came up for air I didn't recognize myself
And I tried to put myself back together
But the pieces didn't fit anymore because
His smile was gone
And so were his hands.
So I floated for a while
In sadness
Silence.
I lost myself when I lost him and I didn't know if I ever even knew myself.
So I'm still floating, trying to put myself back together.
I've healed all the wounds he left me.
I've filled my bones with music and words and books that I love.
I'm not lost in the vast sea that I know wasn't love.
I'm just lost in me.