September 22nd 2024

For the first time in my 29 years of life
my step dad told me he was proud of me
and my mom said
I’m Sorry
it’s not ironic that it came from them once I was in tears

I wonder if my cat knows
she’s helped me keep going
a few times
by just choosing to sit in my lap

men want you to be feminine
but then make you hate being a girl
if this summer has taught me anything
it’s a man’s world and I’m just living in it
I am surrounded by testosterone
even my new therapist is a man
so many opinions and all of them matter but mine
so many names that everyone remembers but mine
so many wants and needs that are met, except
mine
because I am a girl

why is it statements people say in passing that shouldn’t mean anything,
feel substantial to me?
all this man said was
His honey do list has never been shorter
He had so much time this summer to get it all done
I fell apart immediately
everyone I know has a husband who takes care of her,
the way he spent his time off doing things for his wife,
how he thought of her, he was clearly thoughtful of her,
it’s the little things people do and say about their person that I notice
and I realize it’s because
no one does it for me

I make you up inside my head,
a version all fabricated from my own mind,
like an invisible chain
with a weight attached pulling me in
there is an unreasonable, unrealistic, tug
to get to know you
science can’t explain what this feeling is
that makes me see you
makes me feel like I can read you
a vibration of attraction that physics
hasn’t quite discovered yet
a gravitational pull of my mind leads me to thoughts of another dimension
with a me and a you in an alternate reality of my imagination that feels so real it’s like a memory
call it chemistry or a recollection from a past life
but I see you in my daydreams
A hazy place filled with my fantasies of all the possibilities of humans I feel bonds with but don’t really know

I’m angry
At everything and myself
I don’t wanna do this **** anymore
This being anything and everything that is involved with being alive
It’s too hard and I give up
I’ve watched so many people just skate by
I continue to watch people do nothing
And have everything
While I do everything
And have nothing
I am bitter
I am hurt
I am mad that no one was there for me
That no one can take care of me
Besides me
I am outraged at my upbringing
Because it’s led me here
It’s brought me over five years of therapy
Countless tears
A level of pain to parenting
And
I’ve lost so much time
Time spent in agony just because I’m alive
So yeah
I’m ******* angry
And trying to be more mindful
Isn’t going to help today