I remember it like it was yesterday.
We were driving a little too fast,
and the destination didn't matter.
I was just watching you,
Singing the song on the radio,
Reciting every line perfectly,
(me chiming in where I could),
The smile on your face filled my heart with nostalgia.
Because in that moment,
You weren't the guy that you grew up to be,
You were the boy I fell in love with years ago.

I go to that moment whenever I miss you.
Whenever my heart goes numb,
Or worse,
When I can feel every ounce of pain from you not being there.

In that moment,
I was safe.
In that moment,
I knew,
the definition of never-ending.
I knew,
that I would forever be stuck,
In that seat,
In that car,
In that moment,
Watching you.

I often wonder
If your mind ever wanders to me
When it's dark and my side of the bed is empty
I wonder if you ever think
About the way my fingers felt in your
Curly, *****, ***** hair
Or about how the kisses we shared seemed to stop time
Or about the time when our love was gentle and sweet and new
Or about how we broke each other so many times
Before giving up

I often wonder if things could've been different,
If we could've had more time-stopping kisses,
And less earth shattering fights.
If you ever could've truly loved me,
The way you always promised that you would some day

I wonder if you think about me
The way I think about
How your hand felt on my back,
Rubbing all of my problems away.
Even though you were most of my problems.
Or how exhilarating it felt every time we came back to each other,
Like an alcoholic having "just one" drink, swearing we wouldn't get ****** in again.

We all had a favorite pair of jeans in the 6th grade,
They fit just right,
Like they were made just for us.
Eventually we outgrew them.

You were my favorite pair of jeans.
In the 6th grade our hearts fit perfectly together,
In the 7th the fit got a little snug,
But we convinced ourselves that it was still the same.
Now we're four years older.
Our perfect fit is long outgrown.

Cleaning out my closet,
I look at those jeans.
They are 3 sizes too small,
With rips and tears
That we tried so desperately to patch up,
For fear of letting this go.

There are stains from mascara tears,
And words written in sharpie
That can never be erased.
Trust me,
I tried.

With a heavy heart,
I put my hand into the pockets
And find memories of our past.
I'll keep them in a box close to my heart,
But it's time to throw the jeans away.

I watch you.
Watch you break.
Crumble.
I watch her toy with your heart
My heart aches for you and yours for her.
But still I love you.

I give you all I have.
All the energy in my heart.
All the love I can contain.
I give it to you.

Although you say you do not bound me.
You don't realize you do.
I feel the chains tighten when I try to be free.
It's not your fault.
My heart will not let go.

Even when I hold you when you cry for her.
Even when I know you do not love me.
Even when this weak, damaged heart is giving all it can give.
It will not let go.

I had no idea that my family wasn’t perfect,
All you let me see were the lies,
I was ignorant to the truth,
But still, I was happy.

You hurt her,
My only protector,
But I thought she was evil.
In my eyes you were God,
But secretly, you were the devil.

Now I see the tears,
The ones she refused to show in my presence.
She fought for my happiness.
She suffered for my smile.
And you let me believe she was evil.

But I was ignorant,
I was blind.
I was just a little girl,
Who had her own little world.

I smelled you before I saw you,
A manly scent that could make any girl turn.
I saw you.
Dressed to perfection.
Frame of a god.
Oh, but your eyes,
Cold.
A chill made its way down my spine as you smiled
I saw in that smile,
In those eyes,
Thousands of broken hearts.
I knew at that moment,
That I was looking at the devil himself.

When I was born my father held me in his arms,
Promised to cherish me,
Give me the world,
Always protect me,
And prayed to God that I'd never meet a man like you

He prayed that his daughter would never have to flinch when someone went to touch her.
Prayed that she'd never have to mistake being property for being loved.

My father prayed that I'd never know the terrifying hunger that exists in your eyes.
Prayed that I'd never have to cry while a man claimed to be making love to me,
When all he was doing was causing pain.
Prayed that I'd know the difference.

He prayed that I'd never have to lie to myself and say "I wasn't *****."
"He didn't mean it"
"Maybe he didn't hear me crying stop"
"At least he stopped when he saw the blood"

Prayed that it wouldn't take me 5 years to even talk about it out loud. Once. With my best friend. And still act like it wasn't a big deal.

She stares at me
From the other side of that mirror
Her eyes are full of disappointment.
But what does she know?!
She's only a little girl.
She has no Idea what it's like out there.
But she knows me.
She knows my past.
The pain I once felt.
The pain I pushed so far down only she feels it now.

Her eyes fill with tears.
Terrified of who she's become.
Or are they my tears?
Ours she corrects me.
I shiver at the thought.

This little girl so small.
Innocent.
Look who she's become.
I'm sorry little girl.
I know you'll never forgive me.
*I'll never forgive me.

There's two doors.
Behind one,
Is someone you love and adore,
And he'll love you fiercly.
He'd die for you.
He'll tell you everyday how beautiful you are,
And how much he loves you.
He'll forever take care of you,
He's safe
And he will never hurt you.
But part of you knows,
You can never love him the way he loves you.

Behind the second,
Is someone you'll love fiercly,
Passionately,
When he kisses you the world will seem to light up in flames.
Seeing him is like seeing him for the first time,
Everytime.
His very existence makes the world seem bright again.
When he's gone,
You feel almost empty.
He's dangerous,
Amazing,
And your souls are intertwined.
But he'll never love you the way you love him.

Now open a door.

Sleep relieved my brain from duty
The darkness clouded my mind
And then
In the world of my subconscious
A dream emerged
You...
Me...
We were joking around
Me flirting in a way that I'd never have the guts to
You smiling and laughing
Then we got close...
So close...
You kissed me in a way I've never been kissed before.
A way that sent shivers down my spine
I awoke and touched my fingers to my unkissed lips.
And reality struck me hard.

I learned to spell my name at the kitchen table with wooden letters.
I was told not to leave until I got it right.
It was confusing at first.
So I stared at the letters.
L
I saw a letter I recognized and a smile grew across my face
I tried to sound out the rest the way I was taught
As I sat there the letters started to make sense
and my name started to form.
Suddenly I had all 5 letters
All 3 consonants
And both of the vowels.
My identity was born.

9 years go by like the shooting star I’ve been making my wishes on.
I’m standing in front of that same table.
In that same kitchen
But everything’s different now.
And I’m wishing I couldn’t hear them,
Screaming like they’ve lost their minds.
Roaring like thunder
Rain falls from my eyes and soaks my cheeks
As the storm that’s been waiting in the air for 13 years finally pours down.

3 years later I’m still picking up the pieces.
And I’m too naive to realize that they’ve been destroyed for too long
and I can’t put them back together.
But maybe if I stare long enough I’ll see something familiar.
Something I recognize.
Maybe if I look hard enough I’ll find myself again.
Maybe if I sound out the letters
F
A
M
I
L
Y

Maybe I can make it okay again.

I find it strange,
That without the sound of sirens, yelling, and gunshots,
I manage to feel unsafe.
That the sound of grasshoppers keeps me up at night.

If there's absolutely nothing going on,
Then something is terribly out of place
because I've come to terms with the fact that the world is a dangerous place.

Shh.
Listen closely,
You'll hear the sound of children
Screaming "Daddy, don't leave me".

Listen closely,
You'll hear mothers crying
Because they don't know how to put a roof over their babies heads
Or feed them

Listen closely,
You'll hear the gunshots of hatred
Both across the ocean
And in our own neighborhoods.

Shh.
Don't listen too closely.
For a second,
Let's choose not to hear the clock
Ticking life away,
But our hearts beating life into us.

Let's choose not to hear the sobs,
But the laughter made of inside jokes
And a little too much sugar.

And if hearing the good
without the bad
means we're being ignorant
Then maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Strings around my wrists,
I do as I am told.
I do not act out,
For that would be too bold.
I smile and I behave,
I say “Yes Ma’am”
I smile through the pain.
I sit up straight
I stand up proper
The words I speak are not my own.
I sing.
I dance.
I am only here to please,
No matter the pain I feel.
I do not have a mind of my own.
I am the puppet.

It is both exhilarating and frightening to look at one person and see your entire world.
Terrifying to wake up in his arms at 3 am and admire the shape of his lips,
The warmth of his skin,
The way the light from the window accents all his best qualities.

It is intoxicating to kiss him when my body is so full of love that,
like an erupting volcano,
I can no longer control myself.
Thrilling to look up and see him looking right at me.

How intimidating it is that he has no idea that the stars are in his eyes and his smile is the moon.
And how I feel every bone in my body melt when he kisses me.

But,
more than anything,
How wonderful it is to love,
Wholeheartedly,
Without hesitation.

"No! I won't listen! I don't care anymore!"
Tell me you love me, make it all go away...
"Don't touch me!"
Please hold me
"I hate you!"
I love you
"Go. Away."
Don't ever leave my side.
"Who cares?!"
Me
"Who needs you?! Good riddance."
No! Please! Don't leave! She didn't mean it!
"Yes I did now shut up you little idiot.
Sit back relax and let me take care of this."
You're chasing him away...
"Who needs that lame!
All he ever brings us is pain!
He'll never love us!"
You're wrong...
"Would you listen to yourself?
Defending him.
Who  picked up the pieces of you left on the floor?
You know, the ones he left when he walked right out the door.
And oh how you cried!
Newsflash sweetheart!
He's the problem here not me.
And he doesn't give a ****!
You can cry. You can yell.
But will he listen? Of course not.
So he can go straight to hell!
Return from where he came.
So stop your whining and pining.
You're so pitiful sometimes."
**Silence falls upon my body finally.

A heart that's stopped beating,
A broken hourglass,
Memories of a life once lived,
and torn out pages of an unfinished book,
All lay helplessly on the floor.

Broken glass shimmers on the ground.
The pillows are stained with mascara tears,
and if you listen closely,
you can still hear the sobs that caused them.

A draft that always flows through the broken windows,
has long since blown out the flames of the candles,
and the chill is almost unbearable.

The shadow of the broken girl
still wonders the broken halls,
Eternally searching,
For the one thing she'll never find again.

Time to get the bricks,
better pick up cement too.
Cancelling all my plans,
I've got a lot of work to do.

I'm rebuilding my walls today.
The ones around my heart.
Somehow you managed to break through the first time.
But this time I know what I'll do.
I'll reinforce them with steel.

I'll never have to love again.
I'll never be in pain.
And you can love her carelessly,
Please, no, don't worry about me.
I'm gonna be fine,
My wall will keep me safe.

Hi
I think I know you
No, you've never actually met me before,
But I think I've seen you in his eyes,
every time he looked at me.
I think I've heard you in his voice,
every time he said I was beautiful.
And I think I've heard your name in his heartbeat.
I’m pretty sure he only closed his eyes when he kissed me,
so that he could pretend it was you.
When he held me I could feel him trying to somehow shape me into you.

I know you don’t have a clue who I am.
I also know that he loves you.
And that I hate you.

If I ever do meet you in person,
I’m probably gonna punch you in the face.
Sorry.
It’s nothing personal.
I've just been you for a little too long.
So it’s only fair that if I hurt,
You do too.

I've been pushing the pain away for too long
Into a tiny little pouch in the bottom of my heart
But now that pain has built up over the days.
My fake smile is fading away
I don't know how long I can hold this anymore
I feel the pouch is about to explode.
The pain threatens to seep out
Threatens to take me back to that place
The place that was so dark
I couldn't remember the light
The place that resembled the bottom of the ocean.
The pressure so strong it crushed my heart like a can
I feel the pouch ripping at the seams
and as I pray that the thread is strong enough
My sanity hangs in the balance

Your name still whispers through my head
I still see your face when I close my eyes
I hear the promise in those three words you once said
How did you forget?
Forget the way we talked about the future?
Our future.
Forget the way we would sneak in late night phone calls?
Because we couldn't go an hour without hearing each other's voice.
Forget our plans?
Our love?
Us?
We were forever.
But forever didn't last.
You promised me forever.
But I guess you forgot.
Your heart's amnesia ruined it all.
Now all those plans are reminders of what could've been.
*Should've been.

I need a break.
It’s not you,
I just need time to work on myself
And I can’t do that with you around.

I need time to remember how to fall in love,
And who knows,
Maybe it wont work out...
And you can come back when it’s over.

I promise we’ll do all the things we love to do together,
Like binge eating,
Skipping class,
Drinking ourselves to sleep,
And crying in the shower.

But I feel like we need some time apart,
So please,
Just leave for a little while.

As a little girl I used to get scared when the tide washed over my feet,
causing them to sink into the sand,
I thought the sand might consume all of me
So I would try to run,
But you can't run too fast in water,
It always seemed like it was impossible to get out.

Now that I've grown up I still get that feeling
the invisible water washes over me
***** me in,
makes escape impossible,
but this time I'm drowning,
barely able to get a breath out every now and then
water fills my lungs,
making it impossible to scream for help.

Even as I sit and laugh with my loved ones,
I feel it,
drowning me,
suffocating me,
I try to run,
but the sand consumes me.

You looked at me.
Just looked.
Our eyes met for all of a second.
Not a hint of evil on your face.
Innocence, like the first time I looked into those eyes.

So why now does it feel like there are strong hands around my throat?
Why now, do I feel empty and hopeless?
Like my heart is being squeezed to a pulp?
When all you did was glance.
Because now I know you.

I can see the evil smile you gave me.
Oh that smile
The horrible curl of your lips sends bile up my throat.
"How could you?"
I can hear my words even now.
But you said nothing.
Just smiled,
Walked away from me like I was nothing.
Nothing but some child.
Too petty for you to deal with.

Today I tried.
I woke up,
Rolled out of bed,
And I tried not to feel like all of gravity was resting in my heart.
I tried not to think of you,
Tried not to cry,
Tried not to cringe everytime someone mentioned you.

But I did think of you,
And I cried,
And I felt every wound you ever left behind.
I...
Can't explain.
How does one describe what It feels like to be ripped apart,
And put back together,
With almost every piece in the wrong place,
And some missing.

How do I describe,
How it feels to live without you?
Or with you.

Before you,
love became a foreign language,
one that I was once fluent in,
but forgot how to even recognize.

Before you,
my heart was a cold place,
It was scarred,
bandaged,
stitched together,
and torn again.

The word Love consisted of faint memories of happiness,
and strong memories of heartbreak,
neglect,
lies,
and pain so strong I thought I could die.

I was afraid to love again.

But then there was you.
You mended my heart right before my eyes.
You made me believe that I was beautiful,
because that's what you told me with your honest brown eyes.
You melted the rock hard ice around my heart,
and removed the chip on my shoulder.
You redefined the word Love,
filling it with warmth,
and memories of being held,
being kissed,
being important.

You opened up doors,
tore down walls,
and did it all with a smile on your face,
and love in your heart.

I can't get out of bed
And by that I mean all my pain and sadness has masqueraded itself as blankets and is holding me to this bed
I cannot eat
By which I mean
The sight of food makes me ill because I am already full of misery
And even when I try,
The lump in my throat makes it impossible
I cannot sleep
Because beautiful memories of you keep me up all night,
followed by the grief of knowing that it's all over.
And when I do sleep I wake up in the middle of the night,
Calling your name.

When it's 3 am,
And he asks why you're still there,
And the only answer you have is
"Because I love you"
Leave.
Love alone is not enough to keep you warm at night.

When you know you want forever,
And he only wants right now,
Leave.
Forever is not going to happen.
The longer you hold on,
The more it'll hurt to let go.
You will find your forever,
But he is not it.

When you threaten to leave,
And he holds open the door,
Do not hesitate.
If he truly loved you,
He'd never let you go.

I lied when I said that I fell in love with you.
No.
I leaped.
I dove.
I
Jumped.
I threw myself right off that edge and made it look like I fell.
And now I'm so damaged from the crash,
That nobody recognizes me.
They can't ID the body.

Now I have no one to blame but myself for this pain,
For the cuts
and the bruises that come with loving you.
My heart,
Is unsavable.

If you were a tree
I'd lay in your branches the way I lay in your arms
Because I know they'd hold me
If you were a tree I'd spend everyday in your shade
I'd water you like it was my religion
And when they tried to tear us apart I'd chain myself to you in protest.

When your leaves fell I'd collect them in hopes to learn more about you.
I'd build a fence around you so that no one could hurt you.
I'd love you in all seasons.
Even in the dead of winter when you remained dormant and leafless, I'd still see your beauty.

If you were a tree
I'd climb to the top of you so that we could see the world together.

And when you died,
I'd have you made into paper and bound you into a notebook.
And everyday I'd write love letters into you so that even in death,
You knew our love was real.

I don't want to feel anymore.
That's the only wish I have for any shooting star out there,
Harden my heart,
Make me cold and hollow.
Make me forget love.

I don't want to hurt anymore
Take me back to when my heart was so broken I could no longer feel.
Before he fixed me.
Before he broke me again.

Please.
That's the only wish I have.

Please.
Make me feel safe again,
These long months with out your touch
have left me to feel abandoned.
I need it to breathe.

I've been drowning in my own emotions,
I can feel Love filling my body,
Joined by Fear,
and finally Desperation takes whats left of my breaths,
fills my lungs and pushes out all hopes to breathe again.

I've been drowning in my own emotions,
and you're the only life preserver.

He looks at me
And I feel like the most beautiful person to ever exist.
He talks about me as if I created the universe
As if I am Devine, holy, a miracle
And when he holds me it’s as if he’ll never leave.  
He swears the last guy was crazy
Can’t believe that I was ever single
“How could he let go of a girl like you?”
He says.
“You are amazing”
“Once in a lifetime”

Isn’t that what they always say?
Aren’t they always so enchanted at first? So head over heels in love.
And then they realize that the happy, bubbly girl has pain too.
That she has a past.
That she can’t always be the happy bubbly girl.
That she’s scared
And hurt
And broken in ways that they cannot fix.
Then they realize that I am not perfect.
That I require just too much of their energy.
I’m just too “crazy” too “damaged”.

And then they leave.

When you asked me if I had ever written a poem about you,
I explained that I typically only write about what breaks me,
So I guess you wanted a poem so bad that you decided to rip my heart out of my chest, smash it, and leave it for me to clean up.

If you wanted a poem,
All you had to do was ask.
I would have written about how it felt the world was brighter when you kissed me
Or how waking up to you was the best thing in the world.
I would have written about all the mornings you made me breakfast and all the nights you made me dinner.
I would have written about how a love like this had never shown up at my heart’s door this way.

But now I’ll write about the way it felt when I walked away from you for the last time
When you swore this wasn’t permanent
But it was wasn’t it?
I’ll right about the letters I wrote to you, but never sent
And how when I think about all the plans we made for our future,
The ones you threw away,
I’m filled with red hot rage.

I’ll write about how I knew you never loved me,
But stayed anyway in hopes that one day
You would.