I somehow feel the need to apologize.
Still.
After all this time.
You sang like I was made of the earth and the wind
The lovely things.
And when I said those three words for the first time
And you repeated them...
My heart stopped and my soul flew.
I was ready to give up my freedom and my future for you...
Then you say we're growing apart,
You tell him that you never loved me, don't like girls, dated me out of pity
And I cried for five hours straight while my heart broke and my mind screamed
'I told you I'm not a girl.'
Labor day isn't the same even all these years later.
I still have to tell myself it's not my fault.

You were on fawns legs,
The who am I what I am where do I fit that comes with adolescence
And you spoke me fair from the moment we met.
I was so happy to finally have someone who saw me for me.
I told you so soon
'I'm not a girl, I know it's hard to understand but...'
And you say you don't care, nothing changes, I see stars in your eyes
And I'm so happy to hold your hand in the hallway,
No matter who stares.
I should expect the backtracking. The fear.
Your parents, who knows what they'd do.
And you break it off quietly.
Saying you don't think you really like girls.
I am still not a girl.
We don't really talk now. I just find it hard to feel anything but tired when I'm near you.

Then you. You are a girl made of startuff.
Your heart among the planets and constellations.
I call you starshine and eventually
I hope. I ask. I confess.
I admit I planned my life with you.
Big city apartment, stargazing far away from life,
Leaving small town made of quicksand for higher hills and brighter skies.
And you were the only one who ever called me by my name.
Called me a boy.
Gave me anything that felt real.
And I know it hurt you to hurt me.
I gave you my heart and you treated it as tenderly as you could have.
I don't fault you for that. I don't fault you for anything.
No matter what you make me feel real
And I always have loved the stars.

I scream my name with lying lungs,
Rip at false skin like this is all its fault.
Break mirror with too gentle hands,
Curse their slender fingers.
Crush girlish legs under the lie of my body,
Tell them to get it right this time.
Build my shoulders broad and tighten the thing around my chest until there is no more swell there.
Tell them
I am Boy.

Rip away lying teeth and tongue,
Sever what which would write me Girl and throw it away.
Dream of a day when my soul will not shrivel in its cage inside of me,
See in my minds eye a future where I do not hide.
They call me by an angels name, and I smile with my teeth.
My back is straight and I am whole and happy.

I am no river nymph as they would think.
I am something full of much more glory.
I don't kid myself to think my empty ribs are full of stars.
I know just how few of us are lucky to carry our lion hearts with us.
But if nothing else, I carry my words.
My voice may lie,
But my words say

I am Boy.

I met a boy who shined like every star I have swallowed,
Wanting of their light.
I met a boy with tropical wind in his hair and a smile like looking down from the summit of a mountain.
And something about the way he says my name makes me go so quiet
Something in how soft he looks when he smiles at me.
If I could I would spend every waking hour describing every perfection,
But I will settle for this.
Because there are two states, ten hours by car, one time zone and so many miles between us.
So I will write poetry.
I will replace all the wondering and wanting that I've kept within my ribs
With something like love
Something like devotion.
And someday when the stars align and I can hold him in my arms
I will say all this to him and more
From the top of a tower overlooking my world
And he will see just how much I mean it.