So here we lay,
in the valley of unrest
Broken, bare, and waiting
in perpetual loneliness

But could it be,
that you're unlike me?
and this soul
is but a distant memory?

That splays open,
my body,
my womb
that darkens my heart,
my cage,
my tomb.

I know your smell
Like warm bread,
like sweet, hot breath
It follows as I leave
It clings lazily to my clothing
and it's imbedded in my hair

I let the water fall on me
and so you swim down the drain
I can never get clean from you,
because you can never make me feel *****
Only alive

There's throbbing and aching,
in the place where you've been
I smile and remember,
as I close my eyes
You know all my sweet spots

You have never taken from me
You only give, and give, and give
and you're with me when I go

I breathe in and say,
this is what love is for

I'm living under boxes again
surrounded by the reminder
that my life is so small
all of my things,
packed up neatly
and then sloppily
a perfect divide of attention

I only feel clear,
only when things are gone
and away from my fiending mind
I sit alone in my room
and feel a little more at home

The cat sits, too
on and around my lap
nuzzeling up against me sweetly
with out a care in the world

I'm moving again
to a new home
one with a bright, new beginning
sitting beneath a train,
with a half view of the smoggy city.

I'm building
I can feel it,
even as I sit in my chair,
and realize that for once,
my feet touch the ground
and they are firmly planted,
beneath me
and all that I carry

I'm growing,
up and up,
inward and out
My chest is rising,
my spine is elongating
and I am coming into my own,
and all that I stand for

I'm getting bigger,
becoming,
seeing
and breathing
at a rapid rate,
from nowhere
My own power has hit me like a bus,
like a wave
and a current so strong,
that it has washed over all that I was,
and has left me with what I could be
No,
It is what I am

No longer,
will I wish for a beautiful day,
when I will be strong,
to run and fight at my own free will,
because to day is that day
No longer will I aspire,
or dream of what I can be,
because I already am,
becoming her,
in every inch by inch,
in every breath I take,
and every day that I'm alive

I have stopped,
dreaming and scheming,
of the woman I wish to be
I have opened my eyes
and I can see my own light,
I am big and beaming,
I am someone
I am, that I am

I am a woman standing alone
Against the walls that keep me in
So high that I am unable to climb
Unable to reach the sky
Or feel the sun dust my lips

I am a woman breaking free
From the chains that bind me
The whips that break me
And hold me down until I
Am one with the ***** wet ground

I am a woman running fast
From your lightening strikes
And your throwing knives
I will no longer be your target practice
Your whipping girl
Or your excuse to roll your eyes

I am a woman laughing loudly
At your sick, sad life
At your pathetic existence
Because you must now reap what you sew
You must live with your broken body
And your tired mistakes

I am a woman dancing wildly
With happiness
And power
With purpose
And with strength
That you cannot hold or have
Because it’s all mine baby
And I finally got it back from you

I believe in a world where people understand ****, and not just when it's forceable.

I believe in a world where children can play outside with out their parents watching every move, and not fear being kidnapped.

I believe in a world where women are no longer afraid to walk home alone at night, or to their cars by themselves, simply because they're women.

I believe in a world where young girls aren't taken advantage of at parties just so that it can be blamed on the fact that, "they were drunk"

I believe in a world with out ruffies.

I believe in a world where no one justifies **** as "Well she was asking for it"

I believe in a world where women can wear whatever they want and won't be attacked for it.

I believe in a world where women don't have to sell their bodies for money.

I believe in a world with out forced prostitution or human trafficking.

I believe in a world where women can trust men, and there bodies won't be broken.

I believe in a world where women and children are safe.

I believe in a world where little girls and boys can grow up with out being molested.

I believe in a world with harsher punishment for rapists and child molesters.

I believe in a world where harmful **** kits aren't necessary because a victim's statement is valid evidence.

I believe in a world with out gang rapes.

I believe in a world with out brutal **** videos and child *******.

I believe in a where women are allowed to be powerful and own their birthrights.

I believe in a world where women and homosexuals are no longer held down by ****** violence.

I believe in a world where women in the military aren't *****.

I believe in a world with out South African **** camps for lesbians.

I believe in a world where men and women aren't ***** for being gay.

I believe in a world where women can negotiate ****** use, regardless of the country or situation.

I believe in a world where women can negotiate when and who they have *** with.

I believe in a world where women have choice.

I believe in a world where ****** assault is considered a hate crime.

I believe in a world with safe homes for victims of ****** violence.

I believe in a world where women can establish community and a voice for themselves.

I believe in a world where that voice will be heard.

I believe in a world where women and victims no longer live in shame.

I believe in a world where women are free and accepted as leaders.

I believe in a world with out ****** violence.

I believe that it can happen, and that we together can make a positive change for our community, wherever it may be.

If you leave me now
Make sure you don’t come back
Close the door
On your way out
Of my shaky falling house
Walk away
From the place we made a home
And my mangled
Tormented
Body built for two

The roses turned the water red
And so I did as well
Cold weather
Reached my bones
And told me to let go
So I forgot to hold on
And how to love

Warmth doesn’t settle in me now
No matter how long I walk
Through the desert
I will still be cold

The sun doesn’t shine here
Not in this place
She’s afraid of the clouds
And the angry wind
So she stays away
Just like you
My love
She also couldn’t bear
To watch the destruction unfold

Goodbye my darling
I’ll be fine
Just pushing down the daisies
That grew from my little muddy heart
For only you
I’ll let them wilt inside my soul
And forget that they ever lived at all.

I know,
where it hurt
when your life was taken
your heart, shattered into oblivion
left you unable to see
or, speak
or even exist at all

Since then,
you have been a doll
a barbie placed neatly,
in your dream house
wearing an apron and a perfect smile
withering beneath
the plastic exterior

I sit,
with your heart,
in my heart
and I know you're tired

I’ll just be 10 times stronger
Every time you attack me
Lay the blame on me
Push me around
Throw sharp words at me
The kind that pierce my chest
And burn slowly like poison

For you and your serpent tongue
Your hot sticky breath
And your cold dead eyes
I am a shell
The shed skin of my old self

Lying next to you
I am nothingness
I stare out the window at the sun
I wish she’d burn a little brighter today
Because I know longer can
My shine wore off
My light burned out

As soon as I climb out of
This black hole in which you’ve placed me
I’ll just be 10 times stronger

I said "**** me"
but what I really meant was
"love me"
"hold me"
"don't ever leave me"

I let you inside my body
but really you were moving
through my heart
and into my soul

I grabbed you tightly
because I didn't have the words
couldn't say, couldn't do
what I longed to

Now you're gone
and I feel as empty
as an old
tin cup

I'm trying
with closed fists
and a clenched jaw,
not to hate you
for everything you are,
but I can't make miracles
and I never called myself a saint

I'm doing my best
not to curse your name,
or wish ill upon your head
but the blackness is bubbling up,
and I can't hold it down forever

I'm quietly,
violently
wishing you away,
praying for your non-existence

I'm hoping
you'll just disappear,
where you stand
and dissipate into nothingness

Because I've been nice for too long
and it's my time
to be angry
and spit spite your way,
to hate and to hold
your memory in my mouth,
chew it up good
or swallow it whole,
doesn't matter
either way, you'll become my ****.

I sat and watched
the bottom break out
the inside shatter
and the nothingness seep through

I was cold next to you
my hand creeping towards yours
as your body shied away

And there it was
the love we made
the heart we shared
was gone

This is low of letting you go
and the way it feels
to feel nothing

Because once it dies
it can't live again
and once my love is gone
you will never get it back

My head aches
and my eyes burn
My stomach is twisted
with pangs of guilt
with shame
and with loss

This is the letting go of you
this is how it feels to release three long years
of love
and hate
of regret and hope

It doesn't feel good
I feel heavier now
than I once did
weighed down with the agony
of loss and betrayal

When you reached into my heart
you moved further than anyone had before you
your cold calloused hands grabbed deeper
than I even knew existed
and took whatever they could

The world stopped making sense
when you released your grip
up is down and right is wrong
now that you're in love
and I'm left alone again
a woman scorned
out of love
and deep in loss.

I wanted to be the one,
who could hold you so completely
love you so fully
keep you safe in my heart
protect you, care for you
forever and ever and into the abyss

But you wouldn't let me
didn't realize what you were fighting
what you were really giving up
when you left and forgot to return

I could've loved you
and baby I would've loved you
better
and stronger
than anyone could prove possible
no matter
mother, lover, or friend

I could have loved you better
But even though you said
you were ready for real life
you're not

No, your young heart can't take
the power of a love like mine

I've written this love story,
our story,
over and over again
with different plots

Changes of scenery,
but the actors remain the same
same mouths,
eyes
and lips,
same touch,
passionate,
award winning,
and fake

Movies may look real,
but real isn't in the movies.

It wasn't easy for me
to be strong,
to fight against fate
to build myself back up from the bottom

Just so you know,
just so we're clear

It wasn't selfish being brave
or killing the innocent
so I could have a chance at life
and being the woman I dreamed of being

Just so you know,
just so we're clear

I wouldn't call myself a sinner
because I thought ahead
and chose to lose
your God is no better than mine
just because he agrees with you

Just so you know,
just so we're clear

It wasn't easy to love you
and it never came naturally
I worked at it
strived for it
made my heart sick over it

So just so you know,
and just so we're clear
you were the one who chose death
when you killed the only woman
who ever really loved you.

When with him I am an actress
I play a role
I play it well
I know all the moves
And I know all of my lines
Those blurry little lies

I play my part skillfully without fail
My smile destroys my own true feelings
The flip of my hair
And the bat of my lashes
The giggles
The grace
My kisses
My touches
Are all planned and rehearsed

Tongue to navel and lips to lips
Every touch of your face
Or neck
Or chest
Every wink, smile, and moan
All lies
I’m just playing pretend
I’m just doing my job

You don’t love me
But you don’t know that I’m acting
If you don’t feel love
When I’m playing better than myself
I know you’ll only cast the real me aside

The silly
Playful
Funny me
The one with the light behind her eyes
Will never be seen by you
And you’ll never be allowed to hurt her
I keep her away
Up on a shelf at a distance
As I **** this girl slowly
For the promise of your touch
And I chance in your bed

My lips are stained red from wine
My head is buzzing
A sweet kind of headache
The dizziness of being drunk

I lay still,
tapping my finger nails on the glass
Waiting, I'm always waiting
The darkened room, aglow
Small illumination from a muted television
Flashing colors, changed my surroundings

I am alive, aware
Balloons hang from the ceiling,
but there's no party in sight
Not here, not ever.

Just give in,
let it go
surrender it all
you know, it's too heavy anyways
your arms will break
and your back with ache
in time,
it will swallow you whole

So just open your,
stubborn, clenched fists
lost and rotting
recover your heart
dust it off and give it a shine
because the day's too long
for weeping
and screaming
and this will all be over soon,
it will be quick and painless

Just be free
turn your *****, twisted face
to the sun and to the sky
and smile, because it's been too long
but I know your face,
hasn't forgotten how,
the wind and rain,
will wash it clean
and push you forward,
let the forces guide you home
it won't be long now

Doesn't feel good, girl?
to give it all up
to stop fighting and lay
your guns down
on the filthy sodden ground
let them disolve
into the mud,
into nothingness
you won't need them anymore.

I was dry
Laying on land breathing clean air
Bathing in radient light
But I got hot
I grew restless
I couldn’t take that bright sun

So I tried to take a quick dip
But I got carried away and took the plunge
Now I’m splashing helplessly
And the cold water’s stinging me
It’s covering me
And becoming me
Dragging me down
Deeper and deeper
Further and Further

Into the dark abyss
The hellacious unknown
I can’t reach the surface now
I’m continuously struggling
So I’ll give up and go down
Letting it take me
Becoming tangled in kelp
And I’ll bury my head beneath the sand

I’ll take one last look
Up at the sun I once knew
At the place where I once was

I’ll close my eyes
Let the darkness and engulf me
And let go.

My mood keeps changing
rising and falling with the tide
It leaves me cold and wet
lost and cofused
angry

I can't keep my fire controlled
the wind blows and it whips
down the hill
engulfing every tree in flames
It leaves me hot and scared
guilty and alone
empty

I can't keep the sun on my side
I keep losing my way
she shies away from the challenge
and so I live in the darkness
and it leaves me tired and helpless
hopeless and longing
isolated.

Who are you little one?
Small boy who sits
At the edge of the bed
Voice so soft I can barely hear it
Where did you come from?
Beautiful and baby faced
But you kiss like a man
You lift me and pull me close
I can feel strength in you

Hold me small boy
Let me make you feel big
Like a man
A real machismo

Blonde and curly
Like golden rods
And you smell that way
I breathe you in
And I can feel
Summer’s warm embrace
Endless life and endless green

Tell me boy would you turn away
If I became weak and timid
Like a feral cat?
Would you dance along beside me?
As I spin wildly on
Smiling big smiles
Screaming like a wicked *****
Beautiful and free

If I’m moving this way
Would you follow closely behind?
Or run off when my back is turned?
Tell me my little one
Hold me close
And strong
Don’t break the barrier
That you’ve created around me
Just tell me with your quiet voice
Like rustling branches
That you’ll stand behind me

Girl,
take off your mother's shoes
and lay down her pearls
put them back in her closet
behind the wedding dress
because there's no time now,
to live in the past

Woman,
is what you've become
who you've grown to be
do not be afraid of it
let power and purpose fill you
until your full enough to burst

Sister,
you are now,
and always have been
a woman falling freely
subjected to a mind
deceitful and cunning
and conditioned to destroy

don't lose hope now, pride will break your fall
and when you've reached the bottom, look up
there will still be sun on your side

I wish I didn’t want
To live with it’s burn
Is an awful fate
To live in your love
Is to live in an empty, lifeless world

When you speak
There’s a sweetness in my chest
And hot sweat on my palms
It’s a burning sickness that I cannot run away from
Take me for this is all I am

I wish I knew how it felt to be
Myself
Someone that is all me
One who wakes up knowing
Who they are and where they stand
Everyday would be a good day
Each one better than the last

But instead I lay worn and ragged
In this dark, wretched place
Beside you
Breathing slowly
And letting out hot little tears
The one’s I hide from you

Pain and longing are my ***** little secrets now
I can hide it away from their eyes
And pretend that I’m okay
Like it’s good to be me

If no one sees
Then it never happens
And I can live in make believe
Where nothing hurts
And where my scars don’t exist
In a world where it’s always sunny
And everything tastes sweet

Deep down, I knew
That this is how our love
Would end,
But it wasn’t really love, was it?
No, you would never call it that

But isn’t that how it felt?
When you moved inside of
My sweet and simple sin
I opened my eyes just once
And saw you gazing back
I saw myself,
In our eye’s reflection

I don’t know how I got here
On the other, darker side
Of your heart
Just behind the brick wall
I keep scratching
But I’ll never get back in

We’re enemies now
We can’t get close
Without a heart breaking
Or our clenched fists shaking
Someone always has to lose

And baby I should’ve warned you,
That when you took my heart hostage,
You started more than a battle
And I know how to end a war

She stared wildly at the phone
She had never felt so hungry
Or had been more aware of being alone
I pondered in dim moonlight
Where was next she would stay
But as I stopped to listen
She continued to walk slowly away

I sat among the cicadas
Serenading each other in time
I closed my eyes and played pretend
Wishing that they were mine

Nothing is worth fighting for
For that is what they’ll say
Because listening to the crying willows
Is all that will drown out the day

I galloped to a clearing
One bathing in sweet sun
And I sat again and pondered
Just how the west was won

Is it silly for me to spend my days
In sweet and empty solitude?
Or am I just greater than the rest
Pardon me for being so rude

I know my day has come along
And for that I am full of life
This will be my greatest song
Which I will sing even through strife.

Your closed eyes,
your pursed lips,
look elegantly whole,
as you lay them near mine

From your lashes, so long
to every stumble of hair on your chin
They are perfect,
little pieces of you,
that create a wonderful,
puzzle of a man
and my sleepy little moon

I don't know what you did,
or where you came from,
but thank you,
for making a home in me
and fathering my shriveled little heart

Now it's heavenly
and red
and full of life

My love comes from a clean place,
where it's honest
and sunny
A place where I'd love to live
A place that's particularly me,
(or who I was anyway)

Thank you for being stagnant
An island
and my rock
I am the water who lazily,
washes over you,
swaying with the wind
and your lovely moon

I want to be alone,
In a home all my own
a place only I can go
with a porcelain tub
and a vault of red wine
little white picket fence
enclosing my perfect sanctuary
keeping all the bad out
letting only the good in

He's new - but not like, "brand new"
so I guess really, he's old
been around for a while
sitting on my shelf,
looking pretty, waiting for his turn to play

He's not charming,
and he'd never bring me flowers
doesn't call me pretty - hates it even more,
when I ask him to
but he stays
and I guess staying is what I want him to do

He comes to me in dreams
'cause in the waking life, he's too busy
has no time for me
but he's there, waiting
sometimes I can feel him

Mama says I can't have it both ways
what I want only comes in movies,
or books, the kind with long haired lovers
staring longingly at each other,
a breathless all or nothing kind of love

No, that's not real
and fairytales are for girls
they can **** you fast,
or let you die slow
that's the modern kind of love

It was a journey
it took time to learn
how to love you this strongly
how to hold you this completely
It took time,
my love
to move through you
and allow you to do the same

Her heart beats within my chest now
and I, hers
her love and her voice
sweltering within me
makes it hard to let go,
makes it hard to get away

And the beating never stops
no matter how hard I try to **** it
to smother it with indifference
rip it out and throw it away
I can't
I can't stop loving you

Do you remember,
when you told me that I wasn't your mother?
You said it sternly over shaking breath
Well you were wrong, girl
because this is how a mother loves

I need to put this down in words
So that one day it will have meaning
And it will never be forgotten
Because I will never lose the feeling
Of being lost
Scared
And cold
With out you there, by my side

I push my makeup around my face
Moist with tears
And soaked with sweat
This is what love does
It hurts
And it takes
Loving is like feeding a beast
Whose belly never fills

Sickness
All day and from nowhere
Something foreign
Disrupting my body
My day and my life
It doesn’t belong to me
And it never will

Fear
And the realization that I am alone
Chase away my numbness
Keep me in the present
Persistently filling my lungs with air
Air that’s cold and unforgiving
Loveless
Like me

Strength comes from a deep place
Somewhere hidden from view
A place whose existence I was unaware of
It startled me
And left me stable
Standing alone on straight legs

Laying tense
Cold
Solid on the table
Dressed in slippery wax paper
It was taken
Ripped from me
And I let them have it
Left to walk away
As half
Of what I once was

A little more beaten down
A bit more defeated
A cold shell of a bitter girl
Helpless and mad as a hatter
Screaming inside
And running wildly
In a still stiff stance

Where’s my power now?
Did they take that too?
Or did I just hand it over
Again
Giving up too easy
And leaving too soon

I’m that girl your parents warned you about
The one they shake their heads at
Look down at in disgust

Late nights I press my lips to the bottle and raise it to the sky
Howl at the moon
And lose myself in sin
Smoking an screaming
I am followed by a dark grey smog
A ***** damp rain cloud

I’ll lift my skirt
If you tell me I’m pretty
Because I don’t care
I’m young and wild
I was born to be bad

I spin in fast circles
And fall down in the street
I get lost in humiliation
And always laugh loudly along
Raving
Rambling
And talking crazy
I am red cheeked and shameless

Wicked seduction
Your biggest fear solidified
Home before curfew
Covered in soft pink and baby blue
Sleeping off drunkenness
So peacefully
Like an angel
A perfect lady

I touch the poison to my lips
Let it settle there clumsily
Before drinking it down
I tip it upward and swallow fast
Killing any good life that was left

I’ll let them take me
Have me
And use me
Before the grand finale
This is the game we’ll play
I’ll give and you can take
Throw it away before my eyes
Because we are not equal

I yearn for the one who broke me
Who took all
Until I had none
Like a child reaching for a parent
I scream for him
With arms towards the sky
Reaching
For anyone who passes by
For anyone who will take me

I am looking for justification
For the unfinished creation
That is my very soul
And my everything

It is a sick cycle
And a twisted way to live
Every time consume it
Every time I am touched
My broken body only wants it more
She is craving her own destruction

But how do you stop the gamble
When you feel like you could win?
Put down the dice
And walk away
From this dark, ***** girl
From the incessant pain
And from my open burning heart