You still feel like a long time ago

He's doing better now
number one
my first time

He sent me an email
because I saved his life

He's sober and holy
all set
all the time

He said he will pray for me
His prey, not mine.

He hopes I'm well
I'm good
I'm golden

He forgot he did the damage
I'm healing, he's broken

He thinks I meant to save him
tell mother
tell God

I only wanted space from him
let me go, get lost

His email said "hey"
as the title
as the heading

I wanted to curse him
I'm trying
I'm forgetting.

I know they say I'm allowed to feel you in ripples
It's okay to know the coming and going of that pain
And to let it go

They say that healing is thankful
My responsibility to pardon the devil

But I hope that your joy tastes like ash
That when you smile the muscles
so unused
feel tight and heavy

I hope you feel nothing in its most potent form
an empty hollow -home to ghosts

I have felt you in waves
crashing so violently in my bed
in my chair
in my head

That if i were to heal from you
feel free from you
I think I would drown instead

I hope you call misery "mom"
and ache when you crawl into bed
I hope every sip of liquor
makes you more sober

I hope you hear "I don't want you"
a thousand times over

I hope when you speak, you bite your tongue
that you bleed through your teeth and into your gums

I hope you know the kind of evil you breed
That it sneaks up on you and keeps you on your knees

I hope you know that my healing is my hating
and that I will never forgive
the devil and the visits he paid me

I hope you live long enough
to be lonely
until your very last day

And when you speak your last words
No one will be there to hear what you have to say.