All my feeling and emotions
have turned into thin paper
that you can easily cut

all what I'm going through means nothing
yet it means alot


I know I'm an open wound
but I keep ignoring it as it bleeds.

I can't tell you how much it's bleeding
if its right in front of you and you can't see.

and I don't want to depend on anything
to help it mend
to help it heal

So, I just ignore it
even though it's real

and now my thoughts have turned paper thin
cause I keep cutting down the trees
and remaking them.

Right now I just wanna move on
So being Paper thin
seems better than a growing tree

They say be as hard as a rock when people try to hurt you let those feelings stop when pain reaches you .

They say be as soft as cotton candy so you can truly love and feel every bit of the beauty when everything is dandy.

I tell them I have no choice I can't be both.

They tell me so what have you chose ?

I'm always in a rush
Cause I don't ever wanna stop
Cause if I stopped I'd realize
How meaningless things are
I like the adrenaline
So why would I stop
Cause all the new people I meet
Are pieces of everyone I knew
And there's a tiny piece of you
I can tell what ya'll ganna do
Repetition
And I hate repetition
Cause I've got too much of an intuition
I can read through you
You hear me but you don't feel me though
I feel you but you don't hear me
So, There's no need to understand nor comprehend
lets just rush things
And never stop
Rush it until the day we drop

A bit sadistic
I have become
Pain is sweet when you've gone a little numb

A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down
The wind's touch on my skin is making your jabs slow down

Like pokes
Slow pokes

Almost feels like a massage
This mirage
I paint

Cause a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I take it in
This gut pinch
This heart clinch
This throat itch

And the tears that hydrate my eyes
Wiping it all over my face let the salt purify my skin and sink in

And the annoying honks in the crowded street start creating a beat
I've seen this before yet I take a seat

Cause a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

There's sadness in my head.
There's sadness in my heart.
I feeling everything ending without a start.

it rushes in me
this grin on my face
This grin it leaves a trace

there is sadness
and it's not going away

Deep dark blue sea of sadness
I'm drowning .

The sea, the unknown.
The waves punching the rocks.
And the docks.

The blue is nothing but a reflection.
And my blue is nothing but a reflection.

The sea is where you lay in the sun.
Let it give you a kiss.
Where you sit for hours, calm and reminese.
Sweet calm and grounded.
Fun, warm and the sound is
pure serenity.
And it feels like its repeating in infinity.

And the sea is where the ships drown
And the deeper you go down
Its dark and there's no sound
Death feels near
And there is everything you may fear
The sea is where things disappear
There are still terorities unknown
Under the glow of the blue
And its things we will never know


And you ask me and I dont know
And I sway and sway
So gradient in pure blue
And I drown with the waves sometimes
And I punch the shore sometimes

And I am a universe unknown
And if I dive in too deep, I am far far away from home
And the beach is where I like to be
Sweet and salty air
And just stay there

Cause I tried to explain the things happening to me
But I am still
And calm
Peaceful and grounded
Yet I am punching the shore
And what happening is not a norm
Lost of words, as they have disappeared
I might have dove in too deep
And I dont know what is what anymore

I just see myself in the sea
So let it be, what ever it may be.
Sun kisses and remineses
Dive in and dont get too deep.

Like those floating detailed artistic creations that fall down in winter
A snow flake is what you can create
You draw the pieces to everything
You make the sweet sunrise in your life
You make yourself rise
And if they ever ask you to testify
Tell them you made it
Tell them you created it
Tell them and articulate it
Its beauty and magic

Its beauty
Its beauty
Oh how beautiful
How so ******* beautiful
You've made
Cause you made it

Tick
        Tock

    

                          **KABOM

Beach
sunset
hope
Yellow flowers
in July
The bright blue sky
in the morning
the way you're yawning
and that late night talk
when you're completely there
just raw
Is what I call beautiful

Shades of pink mixed with the shades of blue *

Shades of me mixed with shades of you *

You shaped what I am as I let you inside

My shades of blue .

I write this I write it for you *

Cause even though you shaped me . I'm not shaping you

but I am loving you

I am wanting you

I want that harmony of your pink shades mixed in my blue

I want those nice days mixed with my days that I wish to undo

I want you

but keeping up with you feels like I bit more than I can chew

I bit more than I can chew

She was filled with desire, crave to be free to give  with no fee. It was engraved in her soul radiating through her eyes ,from just looking at her you know how eccentric she was but desire is a double edged sword of pleasure and pain that would drive any constrained person insane . She didn't know how to exist with all this pain so she ripped out her own eccentric vain. And now she's lost in being another human that is just plain.

She was sweet cause she spoke words that were sugar coated and shoved it down your throat just like a pill, a pill to cure you but it only makes you more ill.

Is life a circle or is it a road ?
A means to an end
Or a forever rolling stone?

Are my actions causing an effect
Or am I repeating my steps?

There is a road less traveled
And there the road that looks pretty

And they both lead me to the same place

Rolling in my own mistakes

And I stare at people and think
Are they real or is it a combination of my minds ink
Mixed with something unknown
Making everyones story, my own

I wrote this
Or did I?

I  dont know.

But I want you to hold me when I'm alone.
Even though I live my life like the true man show

Is any of it real ?

I dont know.
But I still want you to hold me
Cause I am alone.

Here we go again
Falling down the rabbit hole

Gray color schemes
Are starting to take control

And my life is passing in fastforwarded short scenes
That express things spinning out of control

But this is not a dream
Nor is it a movie

This a warning sign
That I'm going down a familiar road again

And it pains me down my gut
And my chest
And my heart
And my strength has gone soft


And I dont know if I want to want, anymore
I don't see a way out, anymore
Solutions Ive built with my own hands
Have collapsed so many times
And my hands are sore
And I dont want to want, anymore

I've lost the want to want anything
And this feeling, a bell it rings

And I think am falling down the rabbit hole.


And the people around me they dont seem to care
And I'm scared
I'm really scared

And the people around me are just concerned with one's self.
Even though any concorn for me it ******* helps

And this lifestyle is hell
Its a slippery ***** to depression
And I think Im going down the rabbit hole again ..

Let me cry
So I can feel human
Let me cry let me scream let me get angry
What a lie

9 to 9 like I got no soul
Call it work
But you're nothing but a foolish ****
9 am to 12 am  like I got no soul
They tell you keep it professional
How can I when its 24/7
Are you God and my work is taking me to heaven ?

Cause I don't do that much for God himself
You expect me to do it for living in constant hell ?

Have I lost all meaning if I dont "work hard"
Work till my bones scar
With all the natural toxic outcomes that I've been shoving inside
To keep it professional
24/7
Tell me are you the one taking me to heaven

Work hard to make it
Make it till more people know you while you fake it

Shove down this so called human
Emotions, true connections
Are you delusional ?

Make you more money while I take the 0.00000000000000000000000001%
To stay alive and work harder to make it
Make it till I take the 100%
And pay it on the few minutes I am free
Pay it on therapy
On all the scars it has caused to me

Imposed on me since birth
To be more this or that

I cant even finish this poem cause Im sleepy
Exhaused to the bone its getting creepy
9 to 9, am I alive ?
Cause its seems Im only that when Im crying for what I should strive

I have no words to express no more
Theyve been exhaused on being your money *****
Make it work
Make them the money
Make it work
Stop acting funny
For 1 min
For 2 mins
But you need to work till you finish
Your life
Is not yours for living.
Morden time slavery.

Lately it's been hard for me to smile...

And if you see me smiling ..
it's not from the corners of my eyes
It's not from the center of my heart
It's not from the thoughts in my mind

I like to go to my own space
I like to draw my own stars
I like to dream of my own skies
I like to speak to my own mind

I tell me all good things
I tell me all good things
I tell me all good things
And I keep telling me all good things
I tell me I am alive

I give me strength to keep going
But I need you to truly smile ..

Ice cold
Rare like gold
Beautiful . . .

Iced water dripping

Don't let your tears flood

you're iced water that's dripping

a snow flake that so sharp it can be killing

snow flakes
snow flakes
snow flakes

you won't let the tears flood

iced water dripping

so sharp it could be killing

I have images in my head
They flash by so quickly
But they are so vivid so clear
So detailed..

They are like nothing that exists ..
They are great...

They really are
But how would you believe me
You aren't in my brain
But if you were you'd know..

It would change you
You would understand
And I would believe myself more
If you understood
But you are not in my head
So how can you understand
When my explanation is flawed
My execution is vague
My image is unclear

But I swear I don't think I'm ordinary
And I know you know that
But I'm not ordinary in a great way
You would know if you were in my head
But you're not in my head
And my communication is flawed ..

So how would you know my worth
How would you know the amazing thoughts I have
How would you believe in my philosophy
I'm just weird to you

And I'm sick of it
But I don't know how to say it
I don't know how to explain it
But I know why I follow it
Cause it's really something
It really is . . .

Nothing stays forever and I'm sick and tired of putting so much effort in trying to weaver our emotions into connections so I can wear our relationship happily knowing that it will get old and it will get cut and it will smell and I won't want to wear it any more.

and now whenever I'm high all I can see is the fall

I can see you becomig busy with others while I find myself some others because I'll be the one you talk to others about saying " ahh l don't feel like doing the effort to hang with her " that is if you still remember me by then .

nothing stays forever

I expect that you won't like me , like I won't like you forever. I expect life to take you away and for me and you to stray but not together.

Because

nothing stays forever

It's so sad that nothing stays forever , but I can't change it , you can't change it , we must understand the reason behind it.
But at the moment I'm just swamped in a pool of feelings behind it.
Reason and logic are upstairs in the lobby drinking some tea it's hot and I like swimming so I don't see myself going to meet them anytime soon I might just drown in this pool.
And never meet my reason and logic .

funny thing is you walk around my pool but you're never in it .
And I'm weaving in a pool and the strings are getting wet and its soo hard and your not helping your just there tanning chilling and the world does not revolve around us.

Agh these thoughts are killing ...

But I'm going down this road whether it's fast or slow we are ganna go .
And I don't even know anymore

All that's real to me
Is these angels and demons
Battling my reason
The smoke fills the scene n'
The sparkles on the road
Hunny  

All that's real to me is
The lights of passing cars
The mid night cigars
Burning like the stars
Hunny  
                      
I wanna go
I wanna  **fly

I have nothing but stories to tell
My thoughts to misspell
Misinterpret this feeling
This crave that I'm needing

Fill this space that I'm keeping
All to myself I live my life
All to myself I live my life

Living life on the edge
That's what the party manic said
Make it rain till you're dead
That's what the crazy manic said

When it's all done and did
Will u be happy with what u did
I got nothing but stories
All my life is a story
Writing out my story
Living life like a story
Help me write this story
Stop saying you're sorry
And help me out not you're laury

**** if I knew how not to worry
I'd take it down with no chase
Make this space a haze
Travel through my thought
Like I'm riding a jeep through an earth quake
Let all hang loose
Man do I need this *****

I live with myself with this space
I have no one to trust in and replace
The space is all for me
Me myself and this space

Tell me all your stories
Tell me all your stories
Tell me all your stories
Fiilll me up with your story
And don't tell me you're sorry
I have nothing but me myself and this space
I trust no one to replace
Me myself and this space
I love no one to replace
Me myself and this space

took a step into a crowd

felt a wave through the ground

as she lost her friends

with the beat and the sound

then the mad man pulled her by her hand

into another land

spoke the words of youth

gave her an option to choose

leave the confusion and the blues

he said with his eyes fire waiting to set loose

burn her alive with the madness

that's what she choose

the fast cars and the clothes

she told him light my way

take the wheel

cause I've been driving for so long

and my vision is unclear

take my hand indulge my innocence

so he drove her over the clouds

wrapped her in metals of distance

twisted her existence

swirled her in a galaxy of imagination

her own heaven in creation

till one day his heart changed

as he pushed her down the stairs of heaven

and broke her every bone

the ground was cold hard stone

she was left twisted broken and all alone

reaching for a phone but there's no connection

in the black hole of confusion

time passed as she painted every perception expected

hoping to find a solution

that's when she realized it was all an illusion

the words the thrill the charm

she was about to burst but she just stayed calm

as she reached out but there was no arm

so she got herself up and walked into the hazy clouds

she had strength in herself but she also had doubts

then she heard a voice so sweet and tender

he said lead your own way and never surrender

See I could tell you about the world
about the reasons we exist
And how we are living a lie
And what they show on the t.v screen
How wrong has been done to me
how much is on my mind
how I don't sleep at night


but the way you smile at me
is sweet .
And I all I can say is I have
a sweet tooth ♡

How does it feel ?
Tell me how does it feel
are you drowned in this world
have you forgot what it's supposed to be
Can you feel the world getting old
can you feel your soul shivering in its cold

how does it feel ?
Tell me how does it feel
are you searching for your gold
have you lost all your hope
Swallowed into a black hole
you're losing all control

tell me how does it feel
can you run away across the sea
Do you want to break out of your own skin
shed it all off to be free

Oh would you tell me how does it feel
how does it feel

Have you stayed up all the night
feel the hours passing by

how does it feel
do you see us getting old
still doing what we're told
Or are you sold into a dream

But your words are crumbling in your mouth
when you try so hard to shout
and nothing comes out

how does it feel
tell me how does it feel
does the world still seem real ?

Tick tock
pens are swaying
Over the papers
Heads down
the rooms consumed with no sound
But my pen is sleeping
And my head is dreaming  
I'm on a boat sailing
Its not my fault if I might be failing
These questions are deceving
And so what if I make money off cleaning
Then I'm stopped by the thought
Of how clear the ceiling is
Unlike How my life is crowded with mess
And How much of the teachers fault was this
counting the excuses and people to diss
My teacher
My parents
My sister
My brother
My friends
My cat
And finally
My pen
See "I" had nothing to do with it

And if the Sun keeps burning
Then I can keep  going
Even if I burn alive knowing
Every word you said every body movement you did
Every place the thought of you took me to was meant to bring me back on my knees begging

It's a circle that keeps going
I know you I've known but somehow I lost my knowing
I love you I've loved you but somehow I lost my loving
you reach through me you've reached through me but somehow you've decided to rip out you're roots that've  reached deep through me

but it's a cycle so roots keep growing
and I keep knowing that I know better than this
and I keep asking where and what I have missed
and I keep blaming myself

I've buried myself in this list of things I need to be  doing
Buried so deep that my dreams stopped showing

I used to know myself but somehow I've lost my knowing
I can't tell if I'm fragile or this weight on my shoulders just keeps growing

but if the Sun
if the sun keeps burning
then I can keep **going

Are we playing ?
Why don't I believe that you believe what your saying
can we skip these words
How we tangle ourselves in our own web of thoughts
in our own words
when we both know we want to go
together

there

forever

there

take me

there.

let myself fall into whatever prevails
cause I can only see the head can't see the tail

and I can't really read a book by it's cover when feelings blur the cover
and feelings still hover
over me as I go through each page  

Blind sightedly hurting
And all this love just goes to waste

This fragile embracement
is breakin'
I question was it ever mine for the takin'  
feelings hover over me and I'm shakin'
I kinda always knew I was mistaken

But I left it to fate 'nd
all this love goes to waste'nd
all this love just turned to hatin'

Cigarettes don't do it for me no more

they don't fill that hole
and now I'm in panic mode
like I'm about to fall

**** .

Cigarettes don't do it for me no more
I need someone already
I can't built up my darkness no more

cause these stupid cigarettes taste bad
and this pleasure I used to find in them is sad
But I just can't bring back what I had
it's driving me mad

These stupid cigarettes used to do the trick
They used to stop these rushing thoughts I think Until they left me sick

This .

This .

This .

Can it stay forever .

This tickling sparks of perks in my heart .

Can it stay forever .

This .

This.

You .

The weekend song is playing
As I lay in bed spinning
It's the coldest night
In the hottest country
So cold as the memories of you that  hunt me
You are perfect
And I want you
And I'm smoking this last cigarette
Cause you smoked one too
It doesn't look that pretty in my hand
As it looked on you
The veins on the back of your arm riding my sight
To you perfect hand bone structure
To the tip of the cigarette light
That burned so bright
As I inhaled your addiction
But now I'm just inhaling tobacco
I don't need it
And I don't need you
It's deadly
And your deadly
But sadly
I don't listen to me
And my life is so contradictory
Cause I don't want to think about you
But this cold breeze is perfect for the thought of you

State your case
they say
Give your reasons.

How can we fight for you
when we don't know what we are fighting for
how can we win this war

when you can't state your case
you can't say your reasons.


how can I fight
when I don't know what I'm fighting for
how can I win this war

when I can't state my case
I can't give my reasons

but please please believe me
this fight, I truly need it

I feel my desires scratching and struggling between my rib cage
Its hard to breath
I feel beneath
Is this what optimism does
Brings you up only to crash harder
To float so high on weak strings
Is this all what being hopeful brings
And empty void where all what was supposed to be
What you were trying to be
Empty
So many why's arise
An ocean of questions about my life
So I sink
Empty and hungry for answers
I sink till there's no light
I sink and I suffocate for breath
And now seems too silly to try and swim

The only concealment I get is you'll get used to it

"this is growing up"

Really ?

I have thoughts
I have thoughts
I might be one of the greatest writers
I might be one of the greatest poets
I might be one of the greatest composers
I might be one of the greatest singers
I might be one of the greatest movie makers
I might be one of the greatest influential speakers
I might be one of the greatest actors
And I might be one of the greatest lovers

But here I am working in marketing not sure how to go about it not sure if I wanna be here
And here I am studying not sure if I wanna graduate not sure if I want to face real life
And here I am craving you not sure if you crave me too not sure if I can ever truly love you if you don't love me too
And here I am thinking
But my thoughts are not coming true

I am not sure how to go about it
I am not sure how to apply it
I am not sure how to define it
I am not sure how to define me
I am not sure how to define you
I can't explain me

And I'm not sure if anyone can
If I can't ?

My powerful thoughts are just thoughts it seems no matter what I do
I have come so far
And I might have went the wrong way ..

Even that I'm not sure if it's true

How can you take such a strong stand
when your land is made of quick sand

How can you be so blind
as not to understand

it's never black and white
it's never just two sides

in fact, it's an equation that can't be conceived
whatever you think it is believe me
you are being deceived.

You are the best
                       But you bring out the worst in me

Sunset flowers and the swaying wind
no.

Rainbows and butterflies
no.

It's just an ordinary night .
and there's still so much to fight.
but I let it go

In these
four white walls
and a dim yellow florescent light
I let it go


in this echoing noise of nonsense
I let it go


I smile not cause everything is okay
I smile because I let it go

I'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together
But the picture keeps turning into depression

So I scramble and reassemble
Put the pieces together
And I don't like the picture

So I scramble and reassemble
Scramble and reassemble
Time is ticking
And all I have is pieces scrambled
All I have doesn't make sense

Can we avoid fights
The anger
the hate
the pressure
the wrongs

can we ever be wise enough
to be above all that
or is it unavoidable