It's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
When you are all by yourself kind of alone
But you're in this zone of self recognition
Self knowledgement and it's  too much self actualization
It's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
Your on a ride a slow ride and it's kind of dark and it's kind of fun
But I'm here and I can't be anywhere else
There's no one to call no one to talk to even if they're near
You talk but its just sounds you say to get by  
And your left here kissing your  nicotine
It's the only thing that gets you that hears you
Your a slave for that nicotine
It's kind of good for you but it's also the death of you
But it's kind of good for you cause it's the only thing keeping you sane
But it's also the death of you
And it's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
But you can't be can't be anywhere else

Optimism .
You are far out of reach

Soldiers ya they think they're soldiers
Soldiers ya they think they're soldiers

Quick sand oh its funny how they think they can stand
On quick sand

And what happens when you sleep at night
Do you feel like you've won the fight
And what happens when 95% of your brain is playing games
Chess and fight mode
Is the 5% gone insane
Or is it just plain
And its killing you
Or there so much going on and you dont know how to deal with the pain
How to handle it
And so you handle it
Like a soldier
A soldier of *******

They wrote it down
They told you
This is how life works
So now you cant even hope
And now you fight the fight you've been told to fight
Now you're a soldier
Ya your a soldier
Ya your a soldier
A soldier of *******

And now your a recruiter
And you want to recruit me
But I am a nomad
And I dont get mad
And I dont mind bei g sad
And I am  human
Human

Oh just show me why
Show me all.of.it
A new found confidence in myself
Cause I know I dont wanna be you .
Ask me how my self is
I'll tell you I've learned to be selfish
I dont want to fight
I dont want to be right
Time is ticking
And all I want in connections

All we wanna do is be free
Free
Free
Free
Free
Free
Free
But what is freedom ?

I wear my best pair of jeans at home
My skin is at it's best tone
when I'm feeling good on my own

On top of the world
my own ego I've sold
No more second guessing
No more wishing

it will be real
cause the way I feel
I'm on top of the world

Freedom .

I know we are close
But we are never close enough

I wanna be closer
I wanna be the cells inside your bones

Maybe then
I'd feel close enough

I stay here
                Alone
I've been here
                 Before
I stay here
                 Alone
just the thought of you and this cigarette.

You're a part of me

a part of me that's swollen and sore


Your eyes this look
I know
I know

I know


I know



I knew ..

خالي

Can you handle my roller coaster mind
the way I stop right before I drop 50 stories high
but I don't always spread my wings
I would just die
But I come back
Just to see if you wore black
would you be sad would you wear black
Did you have enough of me
Cause I've had enough of your confusion
And the illusion you make me feel
but you let me fall
You just ride when you want something more
so just let me fall
let me hate you
Cause at the pace we are going I might just destroy you and me
This roller coaster ride is not for free
is costs me pain
and we keep playing it till I'm drained
I can hear the final drops of me hit the ground
the sound is so loud
trikh
trikh
it will surround you and you'll be drowned .

Sunset flowers and the swaying wind
no.

Rainbows and butterflies
no.

It's just an ordinary night .
and there's still so much to fight.
but I let it go

In these
four white walls
and a dim yellow florescent light
I let it go


in this echoing noise of nonsense
I let it go


I smile not cause everything is okay
I smile because I let it go

Let go
and fall into chaotic bliss

Can you read right through my sour rejection
we are both repelling like it's a chore
Can you read right through my sour rejection
cause I can read right through yours
and I'm just stuck on the fact of who wants it more
So,
why

why

why ?
Are we repelling like it's a chore
when in fact we are racing on who wants it more

You can sense pain
on people.
Like the smell of rust.

I want to let go
                        And free fall into outer space.. .  .    .       .             .

And this voice keeps saying
You ain't **** ...
You ain't ****...

And when you stopped talking to me
This voice kept saying
I aint ****
I aint ****

And everyday when I say a wrong word and when you look at me like I'm silly
When you think I am silly
I hear u say I aint ****


Will maybe I aint ****

And I can't sleep at night cause this voice is too loud

And Im trying to sink into life
Cause Im floating above like i am high

Cause Im starting to believe there is nothing but existance
And the sky and the sun and the moon
And the earth and the planets
There is nothing but being
And I am you and you are me

And what does this all mean
All I keep hearing is that
I aint ****
I aint ****

There is nothing
And I am nothing
And you are nothing
And this is nothing
But a feeling
I am creating
And I am living it
And I am repeating it
And its all me
And all I tell myself
Is I aint ****


And I want it to link up
I want it to have meaning
I want to believe
Theres something meant behind every step
And every word
And everthing

I wanna see a miracle
I wanna see a miracle
I wanna see a miracle

I am what I am
and I do what I do
I don't know why that would bother you
hold my hand
save the moon
let stay forever young
and dance to this tune
forget about tomorrow forget about today
forget about yesterday
Hold what u love dear
and with it just fly away
Drink up every happiness you feel
soak it in yourself till you feel real
whatever trouble your having it's never a big deal
cause what matters is the love
you feel
it will let you heal
The conjuring of the past
Would not make it last
but the presence of this beam you give
will make us live forever
and dance forever
sway to the melody under the burning sun
sway to the melody and stay forever young
I love you now I love you tomorrow and I loved you yesterday
doesn't that just make everything okay ?

It's easy to write
I just type it down
On my phone.

Get it all out, in the zone

And its easy to write
When none of the people reading this
Are one's I've known

And a text that articulates my pain and emotions
Is coated in the atheistic of rhyme, metaphore and power
Makes it so easy to write this down

And let me drown.


Cause atleast it paints an interesting picture
Doesn't it ?

And it makes me seem like I know things
But I really dont
I just feel good when expressing things
Like a song.

And it's easy to write this down
But it's not easy to analyze prioritize and take action.
Its not easy to make things happen.
Its very difficult
And sometimes it seems impossible.

But writing it down
... it's easy

You think I am limited by those lines we drew
It might be kind of true
For you ...

You think you make this space
It's kind ok true

Don't think just be
Reiterate that with me
You'll see and I'll see
There no one there for free

Do you know what you're doing ?
Yes I'm being me

Who are you?
I know who I was this morning but I've changed a couple of times since then

So how do you feel?
I feel nothing and everything
I feel the lungs burning but I feel no harm
I feel my mind being scattered but I feel it's a charm
I feel my god but I feel he doesn't mind
I feel my consciousness and I know it's inside
But I don't feel those rules that I'm trying to abide
I feel you hurt but I don't hurt likewise
He feels me hurt but he doesn't feel my inside
It's a full circle that comes around
And if you **** up its always going to be your past
And if you mind then I mind
But if you don't then let's go along
Sing a song play my heart like it's wrong
But it's right cause I don't feel my insides
But I feel you right now
And your sound makes my heart pound
And you eyes hides no lies but no emotions too
Are you feeling blue or are you numb like me
Standing up for the sake of the your greed for life
U want it but it's not in sight

I feel everything and a little more
I feel so much for you that it's has become sore
I feel the blink of your eyes
I feel pounding of your lips
I feel the movement of your hands

I feel the waves of gradient brown in your eyes

The nights are like rusty chains
Hours days years go in vain
I'm slowly drained
My body is rusty like the chains
I am lost on a road to somewhere
Come here go there . Everyone says
everyone begs I take care
I wish my health wouldn't be at stake
Cause the nights are like rusty chains
Subsequent and burned out
And so it only seems fair to fuel my rusty veins
with this rusty cigarette to rust my mind
so I can fit in my rusty days  
Fit in this inescapable place

I don't think I'll ever be normal
I don't think I'll ever be able to speak these manufactured conversations by people who have lived over and over the same situations
and if you hit the loop whole
you start losing sense
I'll never be able to play pretend
is this ever going to end

The bell's getting louder ...

But I have to find a way out

Cause no one cares

If I don't...

Restless
**** this .

No longer sure where we going
Mind breaking
Bones shaking
Hands sweat
Back sweats

Baby steps seem impossible
This world is not mine for the taking
I've been mistaking
Everything
My mind is shaking
My voice is  shaking

Is this normal
Is it real
What I feel
Are we here ?

Is it all just a game
I'm bad at games
I don't want to play
I don't want to stay
Here.

I'm still that 6 year old curious little kid
I'm still that 6 year old Asian looking short hair hyper little kid
I'm still that 6 year old confused about why people act the way they do little kid
I'm still that 6 year old opinionated little kid
I'm still that 6 year old innocent kid that knows a bit more than they should
I'm still a fragile 6 year old
I'm still that ...

So why do you treat me like I'm an adult ?

My heart and a far away land intertwined
in the darkness of this night
Under my blanket I can see it
a ghost of my dreams and my enemies
a land made of golden sand
where I stand
and fall on these broken dreams
I Feel it like walking on broken glass

It isn't a pretty place neither is it sad
it's just a place where I'm always at

Some of us cover pain
with hurting ourselves more .
Why ?
I'm not sure

but if I'm hurt I will distance myself.
Though it hurts more
if I distance myself I take a smoke
which harms and hurts more

Why ?
I'm not sure

STOP!

Freeze my insides

wait while I freeze my insides

Let me freeze my insides

Cause I can't handle the hate I'm feeling or the hate you give me or the resentment with no reason or trying to find a reason to care I try you try and we keep trying
you make me doubt what makes me me , what makes me smile
am I ever good enough for you
never so
might as well freeze
I will freeze
freeze .



But the truth is I'll just show you more love and wait for you to care over and over again.

Let those walls down

You're making me put my walls up

Hug me.
Hold me.
Love me.

And the whole universe will freeze.
Just for us

Vague..

I have this feeling
in me

like I'm going to break out of my own skin
one day

and transform with the wondering wind
...

I'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together
But the picture keeps turning into depression

So I scramble and reassemble
Put the pieces together
And I don't like the picture

So I scramble and reassemble
Scramble and reassemble
Time is ticking
And all I have is pieces scrambled
All I have doesn't make sense

No commitments
not even to my best of friends
I can't handle they way it always ends
So no commitments
not even if it's my loss
I've lost so much now I just act like a cool kate moss
so no commitments
I fly solo
Thanks for all that love that I don't want to go, no
But I put down my rule and I pay the consequences
no commitment
cause it might break me
and I might lose me
like I lost you

I wrote you down in detail
5 years ago

A character that came to life

I wrote a story once
And it had you in it
The pain
The confusion
The talent
You're scrapbook

And I swear I wrote you down
5 years ago
And I didnt know

I didnt know my words had this much power
And why did I write my and your life this sour

And this is a beautiful magical miracle
But a curse in disguise
I love this much power if I had power over my mind
But I dont want this much power
When a gray cloud is following my mind

And I wrote you
I detailed your detail to the detail
I swear I wrote you
5 years ago
And I dont know what to do with that

Sun rays on my guitar
Makes the dust sparkle

they say you live for what you die for
I live for what I'd die for

I live for the love

it's hard
hard to live
it's hard
hard to love
And I live for the love ..

I built the blue print in my mind

Of our story that will unwind . .   .     .    

           It will be one of those late nights
      you had one of those horrible fights
         and you lean on me for help .
      you tell me about all the things you felt  
         and my heart would just melt.

I'd open in a door into my core let you inside my world and we just fade away in our memories

That genuine heart that perky smile
They couldn't break you
They couldn't break you

Till they did .


And they did .


And it destroyed you .

Let the words slide down
your ***** slide of a tongue

and it hunts me
Cause i'll forever remember
Everything said and done

Are you having fun?  

Is this chaos what you want

Are you going to run?

Isn't this chaos what you want

This world is way too big
I'd have to analyze all what I ever did
cause it contributes to something big
And I know better
I do
I know better
I do
but, I can help but like my temporary bubble
of temporary meaningless emotions
that are secure
and they feel sure

خالي
Like the emptiness of the dessert
That is my حالي

مالني؟
Questioning my decision like a
مدير مالي

اهمالي
And if I run from it, nothing will disappear
It fact it hunts me back like a جني

عادي
Getting used to it like its my profession
And I follow it let it domesticate me like دجن

And so I created my own سجن
ملل bored of myself
I look at you for لهو
Distract me like a filler
Botox me up till I انفجر
Fake it cause ill never make it
Blind sighted like سحر

مرّ
Like the stinge in my cigarette
Like the stinge in my black coffee
Is the crave to be free

تحت جلدي
Is the truth that would punch
Hit, hurt
Get hurt and bleed
Cause from you I dont استفيد

Im leaving this earth lonely
And I dont even know me
Screaming for help
******* انبح صوتي
And everyone knows it lowkey ..

أركض
أركض
Till the last breath.

And this feeling
You will never undress

Can we avoid fights
The anger
the hate
the pressure
the wrongs

can we ever be wise enough
to be above all that
or is it unavoidable

A some what wise man once said
what's not written is not real
and I assume vice versa is true

So What if I write about

how you dream about me
and how you think of me all the time
and how you can't wait to sit with me
and how my eyes give sweet shivers down your spine
And How badly you want to be mine ..

Does that make it real ?

I just want to love you every minute of everyday
So why do you keep withdrawing your feelings
I just want to love you with every meaning of the word
but why do you betray me every now and then
why do you forget me every now and then
I want to tell you how much I love you
When you let me in
So why do you block me out
I just want to love you
I have so much love to give
let me
let me
love you
Stop playing pretend
let me love you
I just want to love you

I'm fading away
what a waste of efforts
I've invested so much in me
and now I just gave up on me
****.

I'm fading away while holding on
I'm fading away like a sand castle on a windy day .
I put so much time and effort in me
it's a shame
but who's the one to blame ?
Cause my self worth has already faded
by my own self I'm degraded

I'm fading
fading away.

She weighed a 1000 pounds of trouble and over dosed on distractions she drove herself numb till she didn't know how to exist no more

I think you've made me cold
I think you made me think it's better

Oh god .

I think you made me rude
You made me a little more insensitive  
A little more defensive

it was you
you
you