my stomach is in knots
and i feel so sick thinking about you
holding anyone that isn’t me
and i don’t understand why you thought it’d be a good idea
to tell me that you’re falling asleep at night
with another girl in your bed,
even if you’re not kissing her goodnight,
i tried to drown out my sobs all day with
modern vampires of the city on vinyl,
but it still feels like someone
sunk fangs in my lungs

it’s only been a week, the cuts from your nails
from holding my heart so tight
are still fresh
and i never asked you to stop,
i never told you i wanted to try
to be more than friends again,
i never tried to paint your hands red,
but all you could seem to do is defend
yourself and repeat that you’ve done nothing wrong
“you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends”

and we are just friends
i just wanted you to understand and acknowledge
that it still hurts

and you can say you’re sorry, you said sorry,
but i’m sure she’s tucked in beneath your sheets right now
and you’re still repeating in your head
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
we’re just friends
we’re just friends
we’re just friends

and i’m glad you’re comfortable,
i’m glad you know you’ve done nothing wrong,
i’m glad you have someone to hold at night,
i’m glad thoughts of me don’t rip your heart out,
i’m glad you’re okay with being just friends

i’m glad you’re fine,

but, i’m sorry,
i’m not.

Six times I recounted
that day, it all
fell from the sky.

Our spirits were once covered
within the wings of angels;
My body burned, from
the touch of eternal light.

Six ways I counted the
Deceptions, hiding behind
her eyes.

Naked, exposed upon the bed of love
She touched my soul with the brand
of a fool. Strength left my body;
Wisdom vacated my mind.

Six days I spent buried
Beneath unholy ground.

Laughter from the halls of Heaven, ridicule
breathing out sweet vapors from the lips of
the Divine. She cast me out of paradise
By a single word.

if life is for everyone,
why am i looking up reasons not to commit suicide on the internet?
if life is for everyone,
why does my mother keep the medicines in a locked box?
if life is for everyone,
why do i feel as though i've already died?
i believe that life is not for everyone,
survival is not what i was made for,
i was built upon flowers and honey-dipped words,
i am not meant for the desert,
but the desert is where i was thrown,
i have not adapted to my new surroundings,
nor will i ever,
i can struggle to survive for the rest of my dried out life,
or i can let go,
life is not for everyone.

the clock in the corner, it ticks and tocks,
i am a walking paradox,
the things i say are never true,
oh don't you wish you knew the truth?
alas, the truth is in front of your eyes,
the way that i act is just a disguise,
and the things that i say are all quite real,
please tell me how that makes you feel.

you promised to be my forever,
so why am i scraping the tattoo of your name off of my skin?

i faded into you,
two years ago,
our souls combined,
unknowingly.
i never realized it until you were gone,
now my soul is lost,
and so are you.