i'd never forgotten your idyllic eyes
or that brazen gaze
i used to look both ways
to leap in front of your down days

i'd never forgotten your laugh
or that feeling of home
that knowing i'd never have to feel alone

my heart rests firmly on my sleeve
but that outfit's always been reserved for you

i'm glad i never grew out of it

calloused souls
idle hearts
sewed together but worlds apart

love endures
forever yours

you're everything

perfectly odd
righteously wrong
you've got heaven in your eyes and hell on your tongue

you read your books
to keep the hope alive
that you'll survive
sneak on past the diatribe

your coat is crusted with critiques
words you've heard
sleeves scorched by stricture
distorted scripture

thread these lines through your hair
bathe your soul in self-help
literary showers
get empowered

rinse
repeat

there are stains behind these eyes
blot the skies
dot the i's
have i constructed my own demise

pointing at my own reflection
aimed abjection
i've changed my cadence
lived in latence
my past and present act as remnants
an artifact
a stark reminder of what i lacked

coming undone

i check out my reflection
red eye, edit that
find a filter to cut out the fat

moments measured by mentions
i pin down the acne
please "at me"
index my life with my index finger
eyes linger
losing sanity to vanity
i sculpt this life
     so you can indulge
and i can
     divulge
that today
i'm doing
okay

i check out my reflection
feed me some reception

my heart bleeds more ink
than it ever did while loving you

those busy boy days
where we roamed hallways
dropped cash on comics we didn't need
stocked the shelves full of books and dvd's

it's easy to call those the good old days
when life grinds and halts and closes pathways
we sit in steam rooms of sentimentality
breathe nostalgia through our nostrils

there's beauty in the memories
but life's greatest gift is we never stop creating them

why is there pressure behind these eyes
the darkness wraps it's malevolent mitts around my throat
sanity lacking sentience
how do i control the chaos?

it's hard to breathe at the bottom of the ocean
cuticles cracking
torso thrashing
i'm sinking while swimming
screaming while grinning
dreaming of sinning or of new beginnings

nightly narcotic
forever aphotic

i'm melting for you
my heart drips
while your cream-colored candle rests under it

breath coated in bourbon
whisky fantasies
of you and me
i couldn't prepare for your hair
or your stare
or those bouts of two a.m. mayhem
i'm melting for you

i romanticize each time we cried
grip tightly onto the shouting matches
the steam in my heart
the dreams we couldn't start
relish every disagreement
burrow into bereavement

i punish the moments that weren't
the tides we almost rode
and the currents we never surfed

maybe tomorrow i can breathe

i can't quit this
nostalgic nicotine
yearn for laced fingers
face lingers
my eyes are appalled
              but
my mind is resolved
to absolve you

let the pages grow longer
love a little softer
unwind with intention
peel back dimensions
there i am

this empty shell
quiet hell
the record skips a track

you left me bare
stripped and scared
there is no going back

so why am i still dancing with you
the ghost of my past

so why am i still dancing with you
the hardest part of love
is when it doesn’t last

in the distance
there you are
each step a saunter toward forever
my preamble

i can wait

Library looks
There you are again
Palatial gazes
Music engages

The longer our eyes lock
the faster it becomes
Strings
            smoke
keys
            crack
And it builds
            and builds
                        and builds
and ceases
like that

You collect your items, I gather misgivings
You exit left, I stammer right

Today
you were an octave,
Maybe tomorrow
you are a symphony

In here, we coexist
Convoluted
Leonidas and Guinevere,
Sunlight on auburn hair
Worries evaporate in heart-shaped drops
Baring air with affection

In here, my thoughts are yours
Your lips are mine
Our hands are one
Each blade of grass a moment we can rest upon
Sublime

I spend days waiting for nights,
And nights wandering through days,
Hoping to catch you for one
single
moment

Silk smooth arms wrap me
        in a **** cocoon
Our noses brush each other
        like old pals embracing
My eyes are fixated onto yours
I see the sunflower rings
that encapsulate your pupil
Let my palms drag themselves
down your curves
Toes box at the edge of the bed
Minds committing foreplay

knotted
to be blind
to feel twisted
memories metastasizing
catalyzing
you go as quickly as you came
each fleeting meeting swifter than the last
that pressure permeating
postulating
it's alright
i'm still upright

echoes slide from ear to ear
steer clear of fear
brimming, bubbling
look at me mumbling

                                                       avoid

can your head feel heavy?
my eyes are brawling
consternation calling
it thrusts and thickens and begs me to listen

                                                        a­void

tap those fingers
curl those toes
sickness lingers
i'm coming to blows
                                        
                  ­                                      avoid

beats broaden
shoulders soften
the churning stops burning
this remedy is working

                                                        ­til next time

don't be the ted
my brother said
inferring I maybe say too much
or
care too much
or
love too much

i'm the kinda guy who kinda wants to stumble and fall
and careen down towards a wedding gown
i want the smiles and moments
to compile the components
to buy you a ring without knowing your name

step back
breathe

It's a hazy phase
where days seep into memories
There are no remedies for this notion
That I'm parentheses
In a love story that isn't mine.

I never thought I'd love you.
I never thought I'd lose you.

Holding hands and handing demands to our hearts and our heads. My fingers tap illicitly across your palm into the sheets. The ceiling is blown open and the stars
are ours.

It's hard to love yourself.

We ebb and flow each day and night and carry the weight of our interactions. I had this thought, I made someone laugh, I hurt someone today. It's easy to barricade yourself in the mud of it all.

You need to love yourself.

Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. Know yourself. Take full responsibility for your life. Honor yourself. Nurture and strengthen yourself.

Doing these things is the farthest thing from easy. You'll quake and cry as you try and try and you'll have your ups and your incredible downs. But you are human, and most importantly, you are you. We have one vessel and one lifetime to give ourselves our absolute best.

Love yourself, ******.

I am solo.

There isn't anything unique about me except for my indistinguishable stance and my timely laughs and the way I ironically feed my self-neglect like a parent nursing their child to health.

I was spoonfed bliss and harmony and I've run with this the best I can. I shake and shiver and struggle to exist despite my grandest desires to put out my fires. If living is a gift then some days I feel spoiled and others I'm devoid. Is that normal?

I'm older now and thought by this age my perspective would have shifted. College was a blur and navigating that transition from adolescence and post-pubescence to cleaning up my very own messes has been, at best, a challenge.

I sit here sullied and scared. I sit here strong and stable. I am solo.