They were something to behold
Everyone saw it
He pulled on her curls
She pushed him down
He laughed, amused
She frowned, but smiled when she turned around
He was a year her senior
Five and six when they met
During which, they were not the best of friends
He was more like a pest
She put up with
Over years though, it grew into something more
Akin to friendship
They would go out into fields
Chasing each other
Laughter filled the space
But then there were quiet moments
When breathing was caught
And looks were shared
And words were spoken
Some deep and buried
Brought out in the open
It was in those moments
Where things shift and change
Attraction became of them
As they grew in age
But neither acted in haste
Years of friendship prevented that
Still, gazes persisted; touches lingered
Talks became more intimate
They still laughed and teased the other
Both desired more though
But he was to leave for war
And not return, by any means, in a year’s or so time
One his last day before he left
They met
In a field
And she laid on his chest
He fiddled with her hair, pulling at her curls
Smiling when she punched his abdomen
When he pulled too hard
He would miss this
Miss her
She would miss him too
They soaked up the silence of night
Not talking just enjoying the sounds of the earth
He left at dawn
When he did, she would never tell a soul
How much she cried

He did not return in year or two or three
He returned four and half long years after
And he was not the same boy he was when he left
No, he was quite a different man
His eyes did not hold the same animation
They once did
His heart seemed hardened by his years at war
Guarded, more reserved
When he saw her for the first time
It was months after his return
In a crowded market
She was not a girl
No, not the girl he left
She was a woman
As much as he was a man
She did not see him at first
Her attention was elsewhere
He walked closer but stopped
A young girl about three emerged from behind the crate
Her fingers coated in something red and sticky
Which she was trying to clean
He could have sworn his heart stopped
And maybe it did
Because his breathing seemed to have ceased
The men around him became worried
His face ashen
Body rigid with tension
When she finally turned his way
Caught his gaze
Eye wide in surprise
In recognition…
He could feel her sigh
It seemed like the world stopped
People appeared frozen but moved with time
Passing in front of them
As two individuals allowed it to stop
But soon, he was recognized
They bowed and curtsied  
Saying meaningless pleasantries
It was not until
She walked up
Did he hear anyone  
The young ******* her hip
Face in the crook of her neck
Twirling her mother’s curls in her small hand
The woman—with perfect formality—
Curtsied and addressed,
“Your majesty.”

We skipped the meeting
We weren’t supposed to
We’ll be punished accordingly
But at this point, I don’t care
She traces the pink and raised lines on my skin
Healed…..physically
“Where did this one come from?”
She asks outlining the edges and curves of each letter on my abdomen
“Down on K-Street.”
She furrows her brow and frowns
“That’s one of the worst ones.”
I gaze up at the ceiling
“I know.”
And she knows that I know
It is one of the worst ones, but when running late to work
Sometimes you have to take a short cut
And sometimes that costs you
It was my fault I didn’t get up in time
But still it doesn’t permit people to do what they do
The world we live in now is different, and anything like that goes
…..Sadly
“This one you can barely see…”
She comments leaning in the low light
To get a closer look
Her fingers grazing the small blemish
Her brown locks falling in her face
I reach up and tuck some behind her ear
She gives a slight smile while still examining the mark
The pad of her thumb sweeps over my hip bone
Where it runs along
“Yeah, that one wasn’t too bad....
Didn’t hurt as much as some.”
Her hand makes it way up to my chest
With a feather-like touch
Hovers over one of the newest additions
Still red and swollen
“This one did and still does."
She states reading over the word
I inhale then exhale
Still recalling the pain
Still reeling from it
It happened a week ago
This was on A-Street
I was coming back from work
Usually I make it home fine
But I stayed late and missed my usual train
A RB caught me, and well the rest is on my chest
“You have them too.”
I point out
She forms a sad smile
Before meeting my eyes
Her bright green orbs filled with sorrow
“Not like this.”
The way she says it
So matter of fact but thick with grief
Over marks which aren’t hers
It’s different
It takes me by surprise
But I don’t want her to worry about me
“They heal.”
She shakes her head looking away
“Don’t pull that crap on me
They never heal, not completely.
All these scars
All the words etched into you.
Carved in to you and me—to so many others
They should never be there in the first place.
So don’t try and put on this tough-guy mask
And pretend they don’t ever hurt or bother you.
Because they do and I know they do.
They bother you and me and millions of others.”
She’s angry, and she has every right to be
I’m being thoughtless
Trying to be strong when I need to be vulnerable
I’m not taught that
I’m supposed to be strong, not weak
Weak is how I end up with all these marks on my body
At least that was what I was taught
But she’s taught me it takes more courage to be vulnerable than strong
Because anyone can put on a mask
Appear as if words never bother you
But to be exposed to who you truly are
All guards down and have someone else really look at you
It takes a lot of courage for someone to see you
Stripped down and defenseless
“Some of them I can’t see
Because of where they are
But I remember each one
And I can recall the level of pain with each
Some hurt more than others
But all are painful
And I get up and look down
I look so beaten and damaged
So scared
And I hate that
I hate looking in the mirror
Which is why I don’t have one anymore
And showers are the worst
Because I’m exposed
At least clothing masks most of them
So being in there….with water running over them
It’s like it amplifies their existence.”
I pause then add
“But I like to not smell so.”
She releases a breathy laugh
I take her hand, intertwine our fingers
And don’t continue till she meets my gaze
“Yes, I see them
On you, me, and so many others
I wish I didn’t
I want the world to be so different than what it is
And I want to change it
But I’m scared
I’m damaged in so many ways
And I don’t know how broken people can fix other broken people.”
She squeezes my hand
“I’m going to say something corny
And you’re going to listen.”
She directs with piercing eyes
“I’m all ears.”
She rolls her eyes before turning serious
“Not alone.
That’s how we change this society
This horrible world
Because one voice can be heard
But many voices cause others to listen
And we want them to listen
So not alone.”
I nod and bring our intertwined hands up
And press a soft kiss to her knuckles
“Not alone.
Well, it wasn’t as corny as I thought it would be.”
I tease and she smacks my arm
But the look she shares afterward
Is so full of affection
So caring and deep
It fills this void other people take away
But they won’t take away this
Not matter how cheesy that might seem
They’ll never steal this
She leans down and her lips brush over the word on my chest
The freshest one
She whispers against the mutilated tissue
“You are not worthless.”
And that’s when I break  
Because that stripped away anything which was left
Before I know it
She’s kissing away the salty streaks on my face
Repeating the phrase again and again
And it feels so nice to be seen without all the masks on
Scars bared and all

Everything I see is real
Everything, down to all the illusions in my head
Tangible, grasping in depth, genuine in shape and form
The monsters still come out and I still fight them
Battling with my wooden sword in hand
Jumping from the springs in my bed
To solid surface beneath
Landing with a loud thump
That brings her to my room, telling me play time is over
Under the covers
But playtime is never truly finished
Even in my dreams, I fight them

Everything I see is different
From the old man sitting on the side of the road
With a can in his hand
To the man with tailored suit
Strolling up to his Mercedes
Kids reaching for butterflies with cupped hands
To running away from bees on the playground
A woman helping her friend with a swollen belly
To a girl taunting another with mean words
I dream of day and night

Everything I see is nonsense
The man down from me pays for a cup of coffee and never drinks it
A photograph placed beside it
A woman next me stands waiting for the subway train
But never attempts of get on, she comes everyday
The girl in my class wears a red scarf every morning
Even in spring
I dream of various colors and shapes
Morphing into nothing

Everything I see is perceptive
A man lost his wife in a car accident
He carries her picture everywhere he goes
A woman almost lost her life on train tracks
Now, she attempts to step into the unknown
A girl’s best friend died of cancer
Her favorite color was red
I dream of blue rich sky and trees providing a canopy of shade
Green leaves dancing in the wind

Everything I see is real
I like to believe every image sequenced in my brain
Has some purpose for being there
I like to believe that every good deed
Creates a ripple effect
I like to believe that we understand
All the things that are nonsense
Everyone has monsters
Some just don’t fight them, or at least not in the same way
With a wooden sword in hand
Quick steps and illusion filled images  
I dream of life

I had a dream the other night
For people like me, dreams are nonexistent
We never sleep, so we never dream but I was so tired
I had been around the world more than hundred times that day
My body was drained of energy
So I fell asleep, and well, dreamed
The rain has finally let up, clouds begin to clear
Rays of light soon peeked out from behind
Trees surround the walking paths, grass covers patches of land
I take a seat right next to a fountain
Mist attacks the pores of my skin
My fingers graze against the slight sheen
Just as I am about to turn around, let the water hit my face
A woman appears next to me
She wears a red scarf with a bright, yellow coat
It sort of screams McDonald’s
But when her elegant, innocent face with big blue eyes and brown hair
Turn to me, Mickey D’s is the last thing on my mind
A soft smile graces her lips and I return it hesitantly
Not sure why she is here, or what’s going on
Do you come here often?
She asks and I almost laugh at the pick-up line used by so many
But those eyes and that innocent expression refrain me from doing so
Um no, I don’t even know where I’m at
I reply honestly, because I don’t remember this place
There are so many; I can never keep track
That’s a shame
I love coming here
There’s a silence here, not many places have that
Silence, something I rarely hear
But it encompasses this entire area
I notice it then, we’re the only ones here
The thought vanishes when she speaks again
So why are you here?
I stare at her then look all around me
Tall and lean trees surround the vicinity
Encroaching on the small stone trails
Sunlight blotches in thin lines between leaves
Green, plush grass covers the land between paths
The soft water of the fountain can be heard and small chirping sounds emerge
I begin to relax, let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding
I needed a break
She nods her head and doesn’t ask why
Something I’m grateful for
Instead she says
I know what you mean
Someplace to catch your breath
Find a moment of peace
When she says it, it hits me square in the face
Peace, that’s what I needed
Peace
I nod my head once, indicating I understood her
You can’t stay for very long, can you?
I shake my head no
That’s what I thought
Don’t you ever just want to settle down?
Stop moving?
I look at her—this girl, this woman, this stranger
Who reads me like a book
Turns every page and reads every line
And finds all the secrets hidden inside
I wish it were that simple
I say looking down the shady path
Well, I have to be off
She says as she rises and rearranges her scarf
I grab her wrist, signaling her to wait
Where are you going?
I ask looking up with an expression that surely reads displeasure
She smiles with a teasing glint in her eye and takes my hand
Come on, you can walk me out
I follow like a man in a daze
Her hand warm in mine
I glance down at her and realize how much taller I am
She’s so petite but so breathtaking
What’s your name?
I have to know that at least
Her lips turn up slightly and the glint returns to her blue orbs
You know
We reach the end of the path
Where the trees widen
Into an open area
Full of grass, knee high
But I see it, in a distance, another trail, as trees part for its way
One, I assume she is going to get on
Well, here we are
It was a pleasure
She states facing me
I look down at her
At a loss for words
I stare at her in discontentment, not knowing why this has to end
I don’t want to say goodbye
She smiles wider this time and reaches up to touch my cheek
Oh how different you are
I almost forget to breathe
Emotions swirling around me
Captivating my body
Freezing me
I blink to regain some motion
And she’s gone
I look around frantically
Searching for her
Then I catch sight of her
Across the way on the other path
Waving in yellow and red
I attempt to run to her
But my feet don’t move
I look down and see them fading
Before I know it, the sun becomes cloudy, trees blur and vanish
And I wake up feeling a loss like none other
I had lost time, during the dream that night
But I knew, those hours, those minutes of peace
Were worth it, even for just a moment
Then I remembered, I did know her
I try to stop by every chance I get
Just to look at her, make sure she’s okay
Even though she sees right through me
Her innocent charm, her wonderful personality
Of course, it would only be her
Irene

I want to share a story, a tale of sorts
One that makes the heart break and revive, twist and turn, yearn and crave
Without spoiling too much, let’s start at the very end
See sometimes something is simply not enough
Sometimes the status quo has to be changed
Altered, formed into a new being
A new creation
That very new specimen can make everything flip on in
Which is why in the end, when the last piece falls into order
It must be exactly as it should be
By that I mean, it must be as fate or destiny prophesized
I hope I have not lost any
Like I said I don’t want to spoil too much
But let’s say this ending, this one in particular, came from another spectrum
That it somehow escaped fate
Can something escape the pretenses of which it is ordained?
Yes, yes it can
So let’s begin
How do you begin to tell a story?
Do you start right from the beginning?
You can, but that’s so boring and overused
But we can’t start in the middle either
So we’ll pick a random place
It’s much more fun that way
It was the end of summer
The leaves were still green, sky still blue
The air, still possessed that humid and sticky quality to it
Not yet had it reached that perfect evening breeze
And she was still the same girl
Same blue eyes, same personality, same family, same way
Same girl who could make anyone laugh with just one saying
She had this very easy way of being
Relaxed, one could say, down to earth
But still spontaneous and outgoing
She let time slowly trickle by
Enjoy life
Simple, outgoing, funny, smart, clumsy, talented, and beautiful
She was
And then there was him
Now, I know what you are thinking
So let’s go ahead and let the cat out of the bag
One could call this a story of love or romance
But I hate those words
I like simple terms
When love comes in the picture, things get complicated
So let’s just say there was a boy
And there was girl
The boy, well, he was funny too
A short fellow he was, but a funny one
A caring one too, supportive, encouraging, sensitive
Optimistic and easy going
He attained a charm about him
He had a way with words
Of making one feel special
In such a big universe
Chocolate brown eyes that seemed to be the window of his soul
Oh, how cheesy
He did have brown eyes though
Girls thought him to be very attractive
A handsome young man
Short, strong, charismatic, kind, noble, sensitive, funny and handsome
What a great blend of qualities to have
Now that I’ve introduced these lovely two
What do you think their story is?
How did they come to be?
What makes it so heartbreaking?
I guess the matter at hand is
Do we really want to know?
It’s like an itch you scratch
Isn’t it?
It’s bothering the heck out of you
But no matter how many times your finger nails
Scrap across the delicate skin
It just continues to inflame and aggravate
Maybe that’s why I started with the ending
Then proceeded to pick a random spot in time
Introduce a boy and a girl
Who….
Then leave it there
Hanging on end
Where the reader fills in the blanks
Makes up their own story
Of how they escaped fate
Because maybe you’re ending
Isn’t be as heartbreaking as mine…..

The men and women in various colors had left the room
Something about coming back later
The crying woman left too, talking to the man in white
Leaving the girl alone with the man
Who could barely glance her way
Could-d I-I h-have a-a mirror?
Her words came out stammered
Voice rough, raspy, and cracked
Dried up from hardly any use
He looked at her shocked
Whether from the request
Or the fact that she spoke
Finally processing the question, he reached into the woman’s purse
Grabbed a mirror and brought it to her
Along with a cup of water
She smiled softly in reply, took a sip of the water
Then flipped the mirror over and took in the image
More scars
Bandages around her head
Cracked and dried lips
Bruises fading
No stitches, just tape and glue
But what caught the most attention was her brown eyes
They stared back at her
Empty
Blank
No reminiscence of who that was in the reflection
Just a broken girl with no recollection
She stared for several minutes
Trying to figure out the equation
The solution, the answers to all the questions
She needed to remember
Who it was in the mirror
The brown-eyed girl
Lost to this world
She felt a rising emotion swell within her
She saw glazed eyes beginning to shine
As tears spilled out of her eyes
The watery imprints left on her face
As disappointment rang
A stranger gazed back

She set the mirror down, clenched her eyes tight
Wanting to erase the image from her mind
Because it was now a memory
A full-fledged memory
Something to recall
Something to remember
And it was of a stranger
Who felt distant and intrusive
Because this girl had a life
And it wasn’t hers anymore
It was someone else’s
Someone who forgot all that made her—her
She had a face, arms, legs, a beating heart
A life that was taken and vanished from sight
In one instant in time
Gone in the blink of an eye
All the memories, the past
Something so vital that made this girl who she was
No longer belonged to her
But to a stranger
Who remembered nothing of the kind

Suddenly she felt someone wiping her face and eyes
Dabbing the tears away
She opened her eyes and looked to see the tall man
Standing very close with a tissue in hand
One look into the man eyes and she saw a rawness that tore her apart
Brokenness, so clear and underdone in dark orbs
Tears streamed down his long face
She felt an unfamiliar tug in her heart
On instinct, she gently grabbed his wrist
Took the tissue from his shaking hand
And began to wipe his tears away
He closed his eyes at the gesture
Beginning to sob
As she continued to dab his face
I know who you are
His eyes shot open at the admission
Shock and surprise filled those brown orbs
Followed by hope
You do?
He whispered
Still in shock
She nodded
As more tears sprang to her eyes
*I just don’t remember

She needed to remember…..
Remember the parallels of light and the unescapable darkness
The blurred lines of reality
The sobbing woman at her side
The tall man near by
The questions tossed this way and that
As she just stared at them wide-eyed
They looked at her expectantly, hesitantly, anxiously, fearfully
But most of all, the most prominent look in their eyes was hope
It screamed at the depths of rimmed blue, brown, and hazel
It pleaded with hers, waiting for fulfilment
She said nothing
Even when they asked the most simple of questions
So they took on a different tactic
By stating where she was, how she got there, what her condition was
She semi-paid attention to the man wearing white
Picking on a view words
Car— crash— hospital— head
They were important
She knew that
They were vital to her circumstance
But their significance lost meaning with the emptiness
Of no memories, no recollection
Of her state, of these people…… of time
Lost in the blank recesses of her mind
She wanted to dig them out
Drag them in the open
Wring them free of the dust, dirt, and grim
They collected in two months’ time
But searching caused searing pain to swell in her brain
She gripped both sides of her head
Squeezing tight
Noticing bandages and scars for the first time
She had noticed the white walls and beeping machines
And the expectant people surrounding her damaged state of being
But the fine and large scars covering her arms
The bandages wrapped around spoiled tissue
Visible, uncovered reminders in sight
Appeared pink with tinging red
Healing
For some reason, that small thought
That miniscule fact brought unbridled relief
She immersed in it
Even for the briefest moment
She relished in the small victory
Then she heard the sobbing woman to her right
Looking at her, taking her in
Red rimmed eyes
Face washed of makeup
Anguish mixed with relief in her blue orbs
The girl turned her attention to the man at the woman’s side
Who could barely look at her with a clenched jaw
Eyes puffy as well
But he seemed so concentrated at some point on the wall
She gazed that way but found nothing but white….

You're moving on, well I think you are
You said you are
I’m still trying to figure out how to cope with that
Process it, digest it
Let it sink in, grab hold
A part of me is so happy for you
You found someone who can give you what I couldn't
Someone to love you in the way you deserve
The other part of me
The selfish part
Is so terrified of losing you
These years, you could say, have been ours
Every adventure, movie, dinner, trip, outing
We claimed and possessed
Now, you’re sharing what was ours with someone else
I don’t know how to cope with that yet
You’re more than a friend to me
You’re someone I don’t I have to hide from
Someone who notices the little things
Like when I laugh, you told me
I look up and to the side
And when I tease you
I get this glint in my eye
A smile too
You said I have certain smile when I tease
Also, when I concentrate my tongue sticks out a little
You said, you’re so focused on it
So “in the zone” as you put it
I don’t know all the little things about you
I’m not wired that way
But I do notice that in a movie
When you know what’s going to happen
You snicker and it’s annoying
Because you’re doing it through the whole movie
But it’s something I love about you
And you love to talk to people
Strangers
You will ask a complete stranger how their day is
It blows my mind
I could never do that
And you love to observe
What I’m doing, what others are doing, what’s going on
Like a kid looking at the world
As if it’s brand new
Some place that’s not corrupt
Some place that’s beautiful
So I’m afraid
Of losing you
Of losing this person
Who has become so much more than a mere friend
I’m terrified
That one day I’ll wake up trying to remember
Some of your favorite things
Your middle name, your birth date
Your eye color
Your energy, spirit
I don’t want to lose those things
And I’m afraid that I will
One day I’ll wake up
Not remembering
But I want you to be happy
With someone who can be everything and more for you
Who could be the person I never could
You deserve it
You deserve more than I gave
It’s funny
When I found out who she was
I called it
The moment I met her over a year ago
I knew eventually you two would get together
It was just a matter of time
I think she’s a great fit for you
I hope she challenges you
I hope she comforts you and gives you strength
I hope she realizes how truly amazing you are
I hope she cherishes you
I hope she loves you with everything in her
And I hope you do the same
You say you’re moving on
I’m still trying to cope with that
Process it, digest it
Let it sink in
Grab hold
Because I don’t want to turn around one day
And you be gone
You become just a memory
A slim outline in my mind
A blurry picture trying to come into focus
….I need more than a memory

Everyday I wake up to you
Makes me smile to see your face
A peaceful expression that etches across your features
So content in dreaming
And when you wake, your green eyes shine as they stare into mine
You smile and say all the right things
You push past all boundaries just to make me happy
And when you wake I try to reply to all your wonderful sayings
Try to express the same amount as you
But no matter how much energy I waste
It will never accumulate
Because your connection is deeper than mine
It always will be
And I can pretend
I can pretend to love you with all that I am
I can try to say all the right things
But I would give anything to go back in time
Change when I let you in and why I let you stay so long
I made you believe that you belonged
Sometimes lying here with you by my side
Lying awake, waiting for the day to take me away
I think of all the times when you made me smile
How effortless it was
Now every morning, I force one
Hoping that it will be enough
That you will never see past my facade
I pray for change, that I can tell you everything
That for once, a moment can be real
And there are few that shine through
That pushes past my memory gap
Believing that maybe this could work
Yet knowing on the inside I could never account for what you do
So I close my eyes and dream of the night
When you were mine
That very first time
When all was real and true
I didn't have to think anything through
Because it wasn't for a show, it wasn't for pretend
It meant something then
So every night when we gather in the dim light
And I let you put your arm around me
Hold me in the dark veil of the outside
All I think is— I want this to be true
I want it to be real; I want to feel something inside me come alive
But regret and guilt eats away all that remains
Yet you stay, I stay
Because I don’t know how to tell you in so many words
That you aren't enough
I could have prevented all that has occurred
With a few simple words
I never learnt to say a million things
Not in that way
So looking at you now and knowing in a few minutes
You’ll be awake, ready to start the day
I think this is a better way
Of telling you everything
Because I’m hoping you heard
All that I had to say
While you were sleeping
So tomorrow I think I might be leaving
I think that might be the day I start living

We never meant for this to happen
For it to go so far
Malicious and heart wrenching
Are our corrupted memories
Your face pops in and out
I try unceasingly
To rid of it
Push every thought of you out of my mind
But no matter what I do
To busy myself
Distract myself
You come back
Your gorgeous eyes memorized
Every speck of gold
Every eyelash
Every in take of breath
Captivated in stolen moments of nonsense
You stir these feelings inside me….
Breaking me open
This bridge on opposite ends
Meant to be cut, severed
Never to be crossed
Never to be mended
You have her; I have him
Enough
Because every time we meet
You ignite, against every fiber of my being, a fire inside me
Burning deep
Waiting to be put out
Turned to ice, turned to hate
But you stand so close sometimes
A bittersweet longing
In those non-existent touches
Out of your grasp
Dangerously poisoning
Are our little games
We try to ignore those locked gazes
Those outreached hands
Those distorted thoughts
That we become lost in
Because you take it so freely
All of it, every last bit
In one bite
In one moment in time
Taking what was always yours to begin with
Coping with the loss of my being
The blood loss
The mind aching regiment of your face
Of your eyes
Of that smile that makes my day
Diabolical are we
Caught in our own web
Randomly weaved
When will it end?
This heartache
Tell me
I entreat
Tell me, please
When will it end?
This thing
Say when
Say now
My knees are about to give out
When will it end?
These memories
These stolen moments
These horrible mistakes
Tell me, please
I beg you
Because I’m about to give up
I need you ….........to tell me
Please
Put me out of my misery
Tell me how long I have to wait
Tell me it needs to end right now
So late
Tell me, love, tell me
When will it end?
Say it
Please, say it
Say now
Say it ends now

I’m not sure if you remember
The crowds, actions
Or even the stars…or anything for that matter
We haven’t talked in over four years
And here you are in this brilliant white room
In that blue gown
Tubes hooked up this way and that
With dripping fluid flowing down
The machines giving off that annoying ring
You in some state of sleep
Maybe not to wake
I stand taking in your appearance
For the first time in a while
The last time I saw you
You mixed and blended in
But your eyes found mine
For the briefest time
Taking a deep breath, I clear my head
Walk over
Sit down and really begin
The doctors say all these words, phrases
And I pick up on a few
The key ones at least
We don’t know….
He might not….
His condition is….
Vitals show….
Results came in….
And then there was this one word
That seeped in above the rest
Stable
I think there was a for now in there too
But once I heard that word
I didn't hear much else after that
And I don’t know why I came
I don’t know what to say
My mind is so blank
The words gone
My eyes train on your face
Rough and bruised
Wrapped and bandaged
Okay, um, I think….
I think should stop thinking
It’s becoming really troubling
I want to tell you something
And it’s horrible that you’re in this condition
But I don’t think I could tell you any other way
Because if I saw your eyes
Looking at me in that way
That way that makes me forget everything…..
Okay….you…..you
You gave me something
And took away something
Without knowing it
You probably don’t ever think about this
But I do
We were at this game
It was so crowded
So many people
Cheering and shouting
And disbelief and relief and excitement
Flooded through the stadium
Everyone was so into the game
There came this small moment
Where we must have glanced at each other
But we locked eyes
And before I knew what was happening
You reached over and tucked a stray piece of my hair
Behind my ear
You’re excuse was adorable
You said, you had a curl
What was even better
There was someone sitting between us

But that night afterwards under stars
Clearing and heading out
A part of us changed
We had this secret almost
That no one knew about
But it was ours
Even we didn't understand it
We were young but it was there
An intense feeling
At least on my end
After years sometimes I still feel it
Unexpected
You took that from me
A part of me
In that year
You took a piece of me
You made me feel
Feelings, sensations unaccustomed to
You still do, even after all this time
But I gave it to you unknowingly so
I wish you knew
I wish you could understand
Right now, the implication of what I’m trying to say
To tell you
Why I came, because I do know
I deny myself knowing
Because it is too much
But I had to tell you
At least once
I know you might not wake anytime soon
But I hope that you do
Because I would want to tell you again
Even if you don’t remember the next day
Or hour or minute after I’m done
The fact that you heard it
Understood it for the briefest time
Is enough
For me, it’s enough
So yeah, I think that’s it
I’ll come back though
……yeah……I’ll come back
I rise up, unsteady and almost baffled
But I lean over and place a kiss on your forehead
Then I remember one more thing I wanted to say
So I whisper in your ear
Those three words
That I've waited so long to say
That I've endured for so long
And then I back away
And leave
But I’ll come back
Yeah, I’ll come back

I’m at this place
Can you picture it?
The images thrown together
To make this beautiful tainted scene
Standing and listening
For the waves of frequency
To reach
The first glimpse
The shinning light that seeps through
The first touch of heat….
These walls so tall, so massive above my head
I've spent years creating them
Building them up
Separating me from the world
You come up from behind
Unexpected, surprised
Broken pieces scattered at interval times
You seem to move past all defenses
Remove the broken pieces from sight
Before I know it
You’re halfway up my wall
Trying to climb, reach within
Peek to see
Before I can stop, protest
You’re beside me
Reaching for me, trying to hold on tight
Attempting to assure me
That this is alright
Time seems to stop
The rest of the walls come down
I fail to resist
Push away
Cease this mess
But then you whisper in the slitting light
I see it
You’re tainted scene
I hear your piercing frequency
I relish in your scorching heat
Before I know it, closed eyes
Kissing light
I breathe
New existence
New life
No more hiding
Open and uncovered
Waves come up
Tracing the shell of my ear
Creeping within
With mixed emotions
Shivering and grasping
I feel your heat
Your heartbeat
I hear your unsaid words
Touch the fabric of the sheet
See your eyes bored into mine
Feel your lips trace the skin of my cheek
The pitching sound of your voice
Whispering in the dawning light;
Hearing the sensations behind
Beautiful
I relish in your words, your touch….your heat
You picture it
That scene
You see it
Bare and raw for the first time
Untainted and real
Hovering above
Like some dream
I’m at this place
Can you guess what it is?
Your lips trace their way
Up to my ear
Sigh in a low tone
Yes, love
Peace
*You’re at peace

You were standing at that window again
Looking out, waiting for something to appear only known to you
Gazing at the trees, the sky, whatever your eyes could land on
I leaned against the kitchen door frame
You were in pain
Your body tense and rigid
Screaming in silence
You were seeing objects that weren't there again
Maybe hearing the voices in your head
You never ask for help, even when you need it
You’re too proud at times
I walk up from behind and wrap my arms around your waist
Bury my head between your shoulder blades
You’ll eventually respond
Right now too lost to hold on
It might be ten minutes or hour
But sooner or later I’ll feel your hand on mine
I’ll let out that relieving sigh
Close my eyes and breathe in deep
Knowing you came back to me, to this world
Where reality comes in at interval times
On occasion, you’ll open up and tell me
All the images that go on
So real that you reach out and touch them
Mid-air and you feel them
The texture so pure, so real
Hear their call, smell their presence
And then lying in bed at night
You’ll ask which was real
I try not to cry when I break your heart
And tell you that one, the one you hold onto
Wasn't
Because sometimes you’ll say
Rolled on your side
There were children this time
Hearing your voice crack at the end
Before you regain and tell me
They looked like ours
Had my eyes and your smile
That’s when I do cry, let the tears come down
Knowing that won’t happen for a while
But when it does; you’ll love them more than the world
You beat yourself up too much
As you punch this and that
Making your hand bleed
Tears stream down your face
As you scream
Pleading it to stop
Wishing for an end
To come, round the bend
Sometimes you scream at me
Sometimes your anger gets the best of you
Sometimes you break things
But this disorder, you feel as if it takes away all of you
All the aspects that make you great
Removes all your strength
Strips you down to nothing
Leaving you open and raw
But I think it makes you stronger
Because you survive all it throws at you
You work so hard everyday
And you comfort
You give me the strength to move forward
Soon, I feel your hand touch mine
Sighing in relief
And you ask how long
Wanting to know how long you were lost
As always, I respond, you’re here now
Then you give my hand that gentle almost reassuring squeeze
They say take it one day at a time
One foot in front of the other
Slow and gentle, but steady
It’s a beautiful thing
Watching you exceed any impedimenta that comes your way
There’s something magical about it
A purity in essence, wrapped up in this vulnerability
Exploiting all fears and goals at the same time
Miraculous are you, my dear
A miracle
A son
A husband
A friend
A love
A pure soul
Designed to be great and nothing short of it
And one day
A father

I don’t remember how long
We stood there silent
Before he turned and left
Along with our gathered audience
I faced you
Leaning my forehead against yours
Don’t—
Please, don’t cry anymore
You don’t have to explain anything
I said
Trying to gage all the emotions
Dancing in your dark brown eyes
I’m sorry
You said with a wavering voice
I know
I replied, trying to comfort you
When I knew you still had things to say
Get off your chest
Clear out your stuffed head
No, you don’t
You tried to explain as new tears began down your face
I want to tell you—
To explain……..
I don’t know how to in so many words
Because you mean everything to me
More than you think you know or believe
This thing I’m going through affects me—badly
And I can’t bear to see you hurt
I won’t
So, I think it would be best—
I knew what you were going to say
We can’t do this anymore
Me and you
It wouldn't work
I couldn't quite wrap my head around that
Don’t you dare say that
I’m here for you
And not because I have to
But because I want to
I love you
It’s enough
It always has been
You must see that
I know you do
So get it through
That stubborn and thick head of yours
You let out that breathy laugh
And I smile on accord
Both of us wiping our tears away
Me and You
Got it?
You shook your head in agreement
Very smart man
I said leaning my forehead against yours
Learning right from the start
—I've been trained by the best
Right then, did you realize
That was just the incipient part of our lives
Did you realize that?
I knew right then in that moment
After all the chaos had wound down
Me and you standing there
We’d be fine
It wouldn't be easy
We’d be tested time and again
But in the end, we’d be okay
Alright
Don’t you think?

I knew you were damaged and broken
But I never knew how much
You hid it so well at times
This thing with us was new
I couldn't tell at first how hurt you were
There came a day
When we went on this special date
You surprised me
By taking me out to the country
Setting up a beautiful scene
In front of a mountain view
Under the stars
For a while, all was fine and normal
Then, tears started out of your eyes
You became so angry
Before I knew it, I was on the ground
Shellshock and dumbfound
Part of me wanted to get up and fight
The other part knew you never meant to
My face already feeling the ramifications of the attack
When you saw what you had done
I had never seen such horror before
Your eyes so wide
Kneeling down and tenderly grabbing my face
Kissing me
Punctuating each with I'm sorry
Trying to console and reassure you
It was alright
But we both knew it wasn't alight or okay
You needed healing
When I got home
Making you sure you were gone
Before I went in alone
Trying to hide the injury under my hat
Run to my room as fast as I could
Without looking stupid
He was coming down the hall
Asking how things went
I replied then went on
But he could tell; he could see things weren't okay with me
He blocked my way
Then gently lifted my hat
Much similar to your reaction, he responded with horror
Wide eyes, confusion and then realization
Anger came right after that
I knew he was going **** you
Putting my hands on his chest
Blocking his forward passage
Stopping him
Telling him the situation
Almost yelling at him
There were things he didn't know
That I did and understood
Then the door bell rang
Suddenly, desperation was replaced with horror
I knew exactly who it was
……And so did he

I never thought after three years I’d see you again
But there you were
Sitting a little ahead
I could feel my breath catch
My heart beat a little faster
Yet it was still hard to believe
To grasp
That even after all this time
You still had that affect on me
When I got your number and we talked a bit
All those emotions came rushing back
Would you believe that
And when we met to hang out
You looked beautiful in that baseball hat
Through the summer, I got to know you
See how you've grown
Witness who you've become
You aspire to challenge the world
Take in all that you can
Stay firm in what you stand for
Believing that one person can see change
In a corrupted universe

At some point
I can’t recall when
Sometime between you handing me your number
And me calling you later on
Sometime—whether sailing or hiking
Or a late night at the movies
I fell in love with you
You constantly invaded my thoughts
Made me feel like I could fly
When your hand just brushed against mine
Made me feel alive in a way
I can’t even contemplate
When I asked you that question
And you replied I’ll get back to you
Those hours of waiting
Were the longest of my life
I did receive my answer
When you called
And you told me you didn't feel the same
Part of me seemed to wither away
But I tried to bounce back
As you were explaining
In a desperate, apologetic voice how sorry you were
Tried not to let my voice crack
As disappointment settled in
So I asked if we could still be friends
You sounded so relieved

But after that—
I wish you knew
How difficult it was to not grab your hand
Hold it tight in mine
Wrap you in a loving embrace
Hold you close to my heart
I wish you knew how hard it was to love you
When I looked at you, I saw a future
I saw kids running around
I saw us—me and you
Yet even though our friendship is all we have
It’s enough for now
It’s sufficient
If I still have you
In some way to hold onto
And I know one day
You’ll find someone
And you’ll come and tell me with bright eyes
How wonderful he is
You’ll look at him the way I look at you
And I’ll close my eyes at your wedding
Knowing you’re gone
Hear you exchange vows
Through rimmed eyes
Watch the tears come down
Hear you choke up a bit
From the flooding emotions in your system
And I’ll dance with you
There’ll be this moment
A small moment where I’ll pretend your mine
I’ll close my eyes
Go back in time
Figure out some way to change things
But he’ll come back and take you in his arms again
I’ll look on for a moment
Before leaving
Walking out alone
And letting you go
Because loving you is so difficult
Even to the very end

People want a good story
One that makes them restless
They want the happy ending
That wraps up all loose ends
Ties them in a perfect knot
People seem to crave the exploitation of others
See someone else’s life fall apart
And watch as they pick up the pieces
They want to see their story break and revive
But no one desires to see their own life shatter before their eyes
To see what once was so nice
Break and fall apart
Because then there are loose ends
Hanging above and below
Not connecting
There is glass that breaks and shatters
And the worst part is
They don’t know if they get the happy ending
It’s not a book or movie where the world is controlled
Created from someone else’s head
And then bestowed to the waiting audience
It’s a cruel and harsh reality
The story isn't imaginary or pretend
It’s a raw event
That shakes them to the very core
And each chapter seems to write itself
As blank pages turn
The story told over and over
Events fill chapters, words fill lines
And letters fill every aspect of life
Building and molding to make sense of all that occurs
The story of life
People strive to fill in the blanks
Know what lies ahead
Question why this occurred
But sometimes people leave their story alone
Allow it to flourish and grow on its own
Living life to the best way they can
And granted, life will turn their story upside down
Twist and turn it all around
Make some chapters unbearable to see and read
Make them regret and cry to an end
But some chapters will provide unstoppable laughter
Beautiful memories that capture the heart
Monumental moments
That leaves them breathless
People want a good story
One that will make them restless
They want the happy ending
Maybe that’s what makes the story so interesting
Not knowing the ending
Just living

There’s so much that doesn't make sense
Words, actions, places, events
All the meanings behind them
Lost in some sea
Where the water is murky and unclear
Witnessing the hurt and pain
Especially on your face
Where tears stream
My eyes become unfocused
And my heart clenches and breaks
At the sight
Ruining the beautiful night
Where the lights dance across the sky
The red glow of embers burn
The soft breeze that cools the skin
The warm glow I used to see within
Looking up at all the lights
All the shining sparks, electric to the dark veil
From a thousand miles away
They reach down
Touch your face
Light up your eyes
They give you life
What a sight
Beautiful to the night
All the words in the world couldn't describe
All the actions that take place
Could never accumulate
All the places in the world
Could never be right, could never fit this moment
Where the world seems perfect
As the lights take away your pain
All the hurt diminishes from your face
The anguish gone and the aw sets in
Showing you there is something
Out there…. reaching down
There is someone who knows
What you’re going through
And telling you, you aren't alone
Because one day, one day you’re going to be home

When they said you were sick
I might have been a little surprised
But I wasn't shocked
Because I had a feeling
That there might have been something wrong with you
Convincing myself it wasn't true
Yet that didn't stop the tears that kept rolling down
The ache I felt knowing now
Everything would turn completely around
Because when they told us
You denied it, claimed they made a mistake
That it was impossible
Almost in the aspect— you hadn't calculated that
Out of all the equations you had
Nothing prepared you for that
I held your hand, hoping you could tell
That it was going to be okay
That at some point, you’d know we were going to make it through
As we pulled in the driveway
She came running down those steps
And even though we had just received—it seemed—the worst news
You still picked her up and swung her around
Carrying her in the house before setting her down
I think it was better
When you were around her
Because your eyes always shined when you were with her
For that reason, I knew, we’d make it through
Granted it was tough
Because we pushed
We’d fight, yell, and scream
Then remember where we were and just stare at the other
We could have whole conversations like that
But I think what surprised me the most about the diagnose
Was neither of our reactions but it was after
There’s a moment when the world stands still
And the information gets digested
There’s a clarity of disbelief, a gnawing acceptance
With the biting and pinching reality of denial
That moment where all those emotions creep in
There’s my hand in yours
Letting you know you’re not alone
That someone is there…and with that thought
The world doesn't seem so hard
Because it’s like that place you escape to
It’s not the place that gives you peace
It’s the person you’re with when you do
You were always mine
Even when we were kids
So a night….years after
As the stars were out
The moon had spread the light around
Warmth began to settle in
Your hazel enriched eyes stared into mine
I thought there was a time when we were kids
And the world was innocent
As we grew, we changed
The world became difficult
It was hard to see through
Yet we had come so far
We had created another
A beautiful little girl—who looked a lot like you
There was a night in the full moon
When you looked at me and told me you loved me….always
And then the world seemed pretty manageable from my end
Even after you were gone and she was grown
She always knew what a great father you were
And I will love you….infinitely
I never really looked in that notebook
But I was going through some of your things
And it slipped out
I couldn't help myself
I had to know what was inside
So I started from the beginning
It went back all the way to when we were kids
But as dates changed
I saw little notes apart from the equations
My name was written a couple of times
There were these quotes you kept saying
And then I came to this one page
Where you sketched me out
Looking off into the distance
I looked at the date
It was the summer before college
Way before I visited you
And we were at that place, where we escaped
Below the picture
In your messy handwriting
Were the words, *I love you

When I came to visit you
You were still writing in that notebook
And when you looked up
A hopeful gaze, a trusting embrace
I sat down beside you
It almost hurt to do so
We hadn't talked in so long
But you were always busy with your new theories
Always figuring something out
You continued to scribble on
As if I wasn't there
But then stopped abruptly
You twisted the pen this way and that
Before you pointed at my hand over and over again
I looked down at the band that encircled my finger
You should have known I would've moved on
I could see the questions swirling in that mind of yours
So I told you the story
We met my first year of college
He was Mr. Nice
The kind of guy who still had manners
Who opened the door for a woman
He was smart and sweet and there
He focused on what was important
It was our junior year when he asked me to marry him
I told him yes
I would marry him
I noticed at this point you went back to writing
You had tuned me out
I came all this way to visit you
And you couldn't stop writing for a minute
So I grabbed your pen and threw it somewhere far away
I grasped your arm and told you to listen to what I had to say
Your blues eyes stared wide-eyed into mine
I sighed, knowing you were upset
I would probably regret that
But I wanted you to listen
Because you never do
I told him yes
Do you not get that
I told him yes
Yes, yes, do you not understand
What that means?
You turned and looked at me with such anger
And for a moment I was glad
You felt something inside come alive
Something you couldn't quite explain
A formula that didn't exist in that pen and pad
Yeah, I understand perfectly
You said
No, you don’t
You looked away
And threw your pad to the side
As you drew your hands together, clenched and tight
I don’t know what you want me to get
To understand
You whispered
Trying to calm down
I said yes
—I get that
You said "yes" I understand
—No you don’t
I said yes, which means I gave up you
I gave up the opportunity to be with you
Because I loved you
And you never saw that
You never looked past that stupid pen and pad
So I said yes to someone who would
Who would love me in all aspects
Treat with me respect
I said yes to that
You reached over and grabbed my hand
I closed my eyes
Warmth flooded in
Tears were flowing down
And I didn't have the strength
To pull away
To leave
Because you still made me feel
Something I never can feel with him
So I open my eyes and whisper in the dawning light
Tell me you love me
Say you love me too
Because I know you do
You can’t explain it
And that kills you
Because you want so badly to
You don’t understand what's happening
How you’re feeling
There’s no formula
No equation, just your heart
Not your mind, so say it
I need to hear it
Please, tell me
*Say you love me too

Do you remember when we were young?
And the world didn't seem so hard
There were these moments that felt free
Exhilarating
When the world was simple and innocent
But as we grew, I saw changes in you
That mind of yours filled with endless aspects
You believed you could fix anything
Even when we were kids—under the blistering sun
Or in the evening breeze
You had these dreams
Wrapped tight in your mind
Held close to your heart
I watched the way you gazed out
At all the landscape
The way your eyes caught the smallest movement
The littlest change
It amazed me to see you take in everything
Then you would write it all down
Figure out some way
To explain all the things that captured your mind and heart
Make known of the unknown
I was the one who wanted to play
At the end of the day
You were the one who wanted to stay in
Watch the leaves fly away
Hear the birds chirp and sing
See what made the world turn
What made you and me breathe
But there were a few times I stole you away
Took you to a place
That was real
Beyond your pen and pad
Beyond the mind engrossed with equations
Because you might have had all the answers
All the solutions to the problems
But I—I had a piece of freedom
You were always trying to figure something out
Explain how the world went round
Come up with new things, new theories to the lead the way
But I took you somewhere
Where thinking was living and breathing
Those moments under the stars
Wrapped in a cocoon of warmth
Your mind cleared
And I would see your eyes change colors
From this piercing blue
To a dull, enriched hazel
Watch your shoulders relax
And your hand would unclench
You might have tried to convince me
A thousand or million times
That work was your life
Where you felt most alive
Where the earth moved beneath you
But I knew
I knew when you felt most alive
When you were under those stars
Looking up and not figuring out all the ‘whys’
That this world here
Was the known
And the one we gazed at
The much bigger one
Was the nameless one you could not identify
An infinite world
Light years apart
But I remember being kids
When the world was simple and innocent
And we were young and careless
As the world then didn't seem so hard
And I remember when you and me felt free
When we belonged to the known
To the exhilarating

So simple, so easy was it to ignore all that galore
In the beginning such an easy task to complete
Knowing that every part of me resisted
In the beginning, those first few steps among the thousands of breaths
Were effortless to take, without a doubt you were easy to refuse
At some point though my steps started to amend
At some point I stopped ignoring
Because at some point, during the time between now and then
You took my breath away
Those steps became slower and harder to take
My breathing became shallow and started to change
Every bit of me wanted to resist, all the way from within
Swaying in opposite corners
Glancing all around, when you took my hand
Warmth flooded in, you let go and the slow rhythmic beating began
We danced in the middle of the room
We stood so close to each other but never touched
Like two puzzle pieces fighting against the other, twisting and turning
Never going in
Across the room we stared, people stirred and split
The dance was our sin
Looking into your eyes, I knew you were right
That this moment, this ceased part of time, beautifully enchanted for that memory of mine
The image of you there in that time, stored away, never to leave my incandescent mind
So with your eyes never leaving mine, I backed away into foreign yet familiar land
Knowing you would understand
But some part of me hoped that you would come after me
You would risk it all, no matter what
If there was a downfall or none of it worked out
You would come after me with all you had
But we were young and stupid
We were clueless about which way was up and down
Twisted and turned all around, exposed for all to see
That you and me were flawed, incapable of being
We refused in one small moment to be, to let go and live for us and us alone
So many dances came after that, so many partners to look at
Their eyes bright and glowing in the dim lighting
Their mouths formed words that could take someone’s breath away
Their bodies warm and inviting
The more we danced and swayed, the more time went by
Ticking away and I started to age in one hour, one second by minute of life
I grew old and tired, weary of all there was
That excitement no longer lived
One day in years after, I saw you again
It amazed me to see that you could still take my breath away
Still make me tremble and quake
We met in the middle of the room
You held out your hand, for a moment I paused
Wondering if this was real
I questioned, hesitated, you waited
You stood there looking at me with that same expression
I took your hand, warmth again seeped in
Closing my eyes, my body alive
Your breath mixed with mine
Forehead to forehead I opened my eyes
Yours bored into mine, took my breath away
My heart pounded in my ears, blood rushed through my veins
I wanted to resist, to pretend again
But with you pressed into me, with you all around me
I held onto you, closing my eyes
Allowing for time to stop, cease for you and me
We finally fit, come together, no one resisted
No one refused to twist and turn, but we connected
As people watched our sway
We remained in the middle of the room
The dance moved slow to the beating drums
To the pounding blood
That day, that moment stays with me
Seeing you and just being
My mind recreates the night
No longer tired and weary
That night presented me with a different life
A new memory

Days drag by
Weeks fly away
Months pass without being known
The sun comes in and out
The clouds stay
Forever unchanged
Moments leave in a blur
Scenes trail in my eyes
Uncaptured pictures negate life
Film dies in the projector
Music never heard
Books just burn
Words fail
Actions decrease


The moon comes about
The stars shine
Light passes through
Smiling to the night
Breathing in the air
The dark blanket above
Warm to the sight
Tasting new life
Words appear
Moments come back
Scenes transcend in the mind
Days come along
Weeks take their time
Months pass by
Waiting for the next day
To come …

Nothing stopped the chill at the end of my fingertips
As they swayed and danced in the breeze
My arm stuck out the window, numb to the cold air
Caring at this point was out of the question
Freedom, that in-explicit rush down in the pit of my stomach,
The rapid beating of my heart
Continued down the wide open freeway
I counted the stars as they shown over the mountain tops
Seeing them out like, no clouds covering their light
No sun to block them out, just uncovered in the night
We pulled over, holding one another
Knowing this was just the start, the beginning to the rest
As if already written above
Like a roman candle dancing across the sky
Taking the mind wherever it finds
Splashing and sparking the fire
Embers burn, that’s the moment I remember most
He and I, nothing else except the breeze and the lights
The soft gasp of air, the heat from the flame, the tenderness in the touch
Closing my eyes, I dream of the night
I relish in the feeling, the lost, nowhere to be found, pleasant feeling
All over, I felt it, capturing my body in an embrace
Squeezing ever so gently, tenderly, holding me secure
Under the stars, experiencing the warmth
Nothing ever compared to that, not the feeling of freedom
Or the breeze against the fire, or the cold numbness to my fingers
No words could depict the feeling I had when I was with him
Out, in the middle of nowhere, no one to tell us this is wrong
That what feels so wonderfully right, isn't
So covered by night, by all the lights, we can reverie and dream
We can say those words lost in our minds
We can feel every emotion inside
Thinking this is wrong not right
Whispering secrets, laughing all night, holding each other tight
That feeling of knowing, knowing this is alright, this is ours to protect
To see through to the very end
No one crossing over to step between
It’s our freedom to be
Living for that, that and only that, that one and only explainable feeling
Believing in it, trusting it, allowing it to grow, and knowing it was ours
And not for some show, just ours, under the shining spheres
With the fire, blinding light, sparks floating up to the sky

You waited as did I
For the moment we both knew was right
But maybe there was no moment
Which we were both meant to live in
A moment where everything felt perfect
Enveloped in nothing but bliss
I think you and me waited too long
For something that was so wrong
Yet it felt alright
To wonder if I’d be the one
Who could break all your barriers
Tear down the wall that kept you prisoner
I waited for you to say something
Anything would do
But you can’t take all the blame
Because I didn't say anything to you
Maybe, just maybe we’ll see each other again
Somewhere down the line
And I’ll look at you and know
You were the one who broke all the stones
Off my wall
You were my everything and all
Maybe one day I’ll say it to your face
That I loved you more than grace
I see your eyes and cry
Because I know at one point
They stared into mine
The thought of it happening again
Blows my mind
So if I see you once more
Tell me this is the end
There’s not an anymore

I want to tell you a story
One that you’ll remember
A long time ago, I had dream
Wrapped in flowers and scents
A tree stood in the middle with red and white ribbons
Playing leaves
They flowed in the wind
A softness displayed
Wind made the grass roll like waves
You could almost hear music
Eventually, those ribbons fell from branches
Landing on the sea
Slowly, they morphed into beings
They began to dance
Red and white becoming one

Shots rang out, red splattered down
Pale faces surrounded me
A sea of dead bodies
Shaking and trembling
Mourning the loss of those who stood and fought
The cold rain froze our skin
Making it numb like so many other things
But sometimes when it rained; it felt nice
It ran down the neck, over the spine, causing the body to shiver
You knew you were alive then
And maybe not well, but alive and breathing

The images played a million times
Never once leaving the mind
The glazed and open eyes of those who had fallen behind
The blood lost and spent again and again
Maybe it was the dream that kept me going
Every night those ribbons came alive
Danced in the moonlight till dawn
Until the shouts woke me
On the move once more
Believing the end was near
A time to begin
To live again
More time went by
Winters came
Summers passed
As leaves changed
And the grass became green again
The sky would open up and reveal the sun
How warm it could be
But it was in that same bright light
That the crimson shined
As we passed over more land
The grass becoming higher and higher
Reaching waist deep in a sea
Flowing in the wind, I thought of those ribbons
How calming they were to me
Chiming soft tunes in that lost mind
I claimed was mine
My best bud would laugh at me
Calling me girly
For dreaming of such things
He would always say
Why don’t dream of women and me
I couldn't tell him to get his mind out of the gutter
We were in one
So I shrugged it off like none
Months turned into years
He still stood by watching idly sometimes
Then is when I thought he sees it too
Those ribbons in the wind
Leaves to the dead tree limbs

One night…..
I remember seeing him lying there
Recalling the cold rain running down my neck
The salty taste on my lips
The trembling and shaking and regret
No ribbons danced that night
No sleep ever came
But not long after that
A plane took us all away
A train whistled and brimmed to an end
A car slowed down on gravel driveway
The field led me through a sea of grass
To that oak tree
Where I saw her reading
She looked up
A grin broke through
Tears rimmed my eyes
As she ran to me
In her hair, those red and white ribbons dancing in the breeze
She slammed against me
I clutched her blue dress, tight in my hands
Red, white, and blue
So proud, so true

Years have passed since I saw you last
You look about the same
But I can see you’re different
You've changed
Your eyes are alive again
I want to know her name
Know the woman who made you breathe again
I don’t know what to say
Tell you all the things that have happened since then
You smile but I see it diminish at the sight of my ring
I twist my hand uncomfortably
You start to speak
When he comes running up, calling my name
Your green eyes watch mine
I notice the dullness in your eyes
For a split second before they revive
You wait for me
To speak, break, tell you everything
But you know me or you did
Before—back then
He calls me once more
Reaching for my hand, tugging and pulling
As you glance at my little one
You kneel down
Smile and introduce yourself
Shy and reserved he is
But the words you speak
The first I receive
He looks just like his daddy
I close my eyes for a brief moment
Letting the guilt wash away
Because I know how much has changed
When you ask his name
That smile shadowing your face
Will be gone the moment I say his name
A reminder of all that has occurred
The results, the aftermath
You were my friend
Someone I could share the world with
Together we were
But I left you devastated
Ties broken, tears shed, blood spread
Words were never for me
But I know I could have said more
Because so much pain has transpired
Weighed between us
Weaved in a broken sea
Desperate and clinging to life
To breathe
But that was before—then
Now, I see
I understand your feelings
So I tell you I’m sorry
Acknowledging that will never be enough
Never account, never round to the right being
I’ll pick him up and tell you goodbye
Hopefully for the last time
We’ll depart, go our separate ways
When my son asks who that man was
I’ll stare into his brown eyes
And tell him
He was an old friend of mine