Where do I begin
What is there to say
To convey
The emptiness

My love for you may seem
Conditional

But my rage and deep despair seem
Endless

Your actions, your choices, your words
Push me to the point of irrational cynic

I cannot face you
I cannot look at you
Only to pour through memories of my childhood
Now tainted

And yet I still feel
I must succumb
Must yield my pain
To save your pride

Today
Your 60th birthday
I cannot wish you well
Not yet
I'm not to that stage
Forgiving

I cannot, through gritted teeth
Say 'happy birthday'

I do not wish for your happiness
Because your quest for happiness
Drove you to infidelity

And I didn't wish for that

These eyes, no longer my own
My heart changed its beat
A snake has a hold of my stomach
My body admits defeat

It's merely following suit
After all, the body trails the mind
Rage overtook that system
When my father decided to resign

You might think a job
I guess you would be right
Twenty-five years of marriage
Forsaken overnight

Now if you are uncertain
This was not foreseen
He was fairly content a man
Although a bit extreme

He had all he wanted
That was insufficient
So he went quietly searching
And one lie became malignant

As I reimagine the events
Not by choice or reason
I can't un-hear my mother
Her sobs weak, uneven

I struggle to relinquish
The semblance I have left
Of the life I knew just days ago
Before this unthinkable theft

And yes
Sometimes my sadness slips from underneath my eyelashes and rolls onto the tear stained fabric beneath me
And yes
Sometimes I feel as if the world was ending with each passing second of every living day
And yes
Sometimes the noise inside of my head gets so loud that Ill intoxicate my thoughts just numb them for the time being
Yes life is hard sometimes
But no
I will never give up on fighting for myself

Shine a light before you leave
Colours of agony still linger to the unforgiven
They *******, degrade, and soon fall
And can drag you down to their sin

Throw a sparkler in before you go
For you may find those who are bursting with love
Among the shadows they radiate virtue
And eventually go to the better places above

Take a torch along your walk
Lonely souls seem to ripple only depression
See them, know them, accept them
But take caution of the obsession

Ignite a flare on your path
For you are bound to discover those select few
Eyes glisten and are blinded with hope
Different to others though; in their own hue

Flicker a match on the way there
Solve the enigma of all the masks
Dwell into each step with keen precaution
Shine a light; that's all I ask

A fair price to pay
So much we must weigh
Everyone has their cross to bear
If only there were a scale for despair

I glorify the uncertain
Making myself the aversion
Till I'm blinded to God's sacrifice
There's nothing left to romanticize

"It won't always be this way"
Is the message they send
"I just want one good day"
What they can't comprehend

Cowered small, no reprieve in sight  
I wish there was anyone left to fight
Unarmed, all defenses have fled
To the constant unbearable noise in my head