He touches
My hair
All the time,
Plays with the
Edges and
Fragments,
And sometimes reminds me that
"I can braid,
You know."
Sometimes he does.

Sometimes he mimics me
In History class
From across the room,
And he laughs at all my jokes,
Even when they aren't funny,
Just
Stupid.

And occasionally,
When I'm sitting in my little niche
Between his desk
And Ellie's,
Right on the cold tile,
He'll attach his forehead to mine
And just look at me.
Sometimes he'll whisper,
"Nose,"
And point to it,
And I just giggle
And break the stare.

I don't even think he feels it,
The wishing to always be near him,
To have his fingers in my hair
All the time,
And for his laugh to be
My soundtrack.

I don't think
That when he stares into my eyes
He wants to kiss me
As bad
As I want
To kiss
Him.

"History changes"
Said the old man,
Deep crows' feet lining his
Sunken in blue eyes, as he
Led us through a library.
And I think those old books agreed,
As they tiredly watched me
From their glass prison.

My coffee's too bitter and
The thunder and locus
Weave a song,
Dissonant to my professor's  
Charlie-Brown teachings.
I should pay attention,
But the lightning illuminates my doubts.
I look around,
And I love the rain,
But I fear my peers and I
Are unharmonious.
I fear they cannot hear the storm.

I have this vision in my head
Of your back turned,
Your arm wrapped around
The one that cradled you.

It was mine.

My lips rested gently on your back,
Just above your tattoo,
Barely visible in the light,
And I felt your labored breathing.
Rhythmic yet
Riddled with pain.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm not her but
I tried.
And I'm not sure but
I hope you fell asleep there,
Dreaming and in comfort,
At least for the time being.

I thought you liked me
As a friend
And nothing more
Which killed me.

But I liked you
As so much more.
As more than a friend.
As that guy
Who would tie my shoes
And open my doors
And kiss my forehead.

As that guy who
Texts first in the morning
And last at night.

I loved you.

And now I know,
You will open my doors
And tie my shoes
And kiss my forehead.

And text me all day,
Not just in the morning
Or night.

Because you don't like me as a friend.
You like me as so much more.

And that gives me life.

My name
Is something of a
Revelation.
And maybe I'll
Never understand, but
Dance naively,  
Acceptingly.

It was supposed to be fun.

New school, new supplies,
Thin, neon highlighters glowing inside
Vera Bradley backpacks.

Skinny folders assigned to
Pointless subjects,
Which would be fattened
With pointless homework
By the end of the day.

It was supposed to be fun,
And for a little while, I forgot.

I forgot until History.

The new teacher hadn't lived here
Longer than a week,
Which was why he was
Excited
About teaching.

He had on a brand new tie
From Banana Republic
Which was obviously tied
By his wide eyed fiance.

His classroom was bare, as he explained,
"Don't worry,
I ordered posters yesterday."

The teacher wasn't the problem.

The problem was,
Between Richardson
And Roberts,
He still existed.

At least in the school system he did.

"Ashley Paulette?"
"-Here."
"Abby Richardson?"
"-Here."
"Bennett Rill?"

And my life shattered all over again.

The silence felt
Deafening.

Remembering how he wouldn't be there.
Not ever.

"Bennett Rill?"

The teacher was confused, looking around the room
For someone
Who was buried six feet under.
Someone who the teacher might've thought
Was sick, or vacationing.

It was supposed to be fun.
But then I remembered

1: Am I the only one I know waging these wars behind my face and above my throat?
I'm all alone
2: When the waters rise in the storms of life I will stand secure in you
You are all I have
3: If I could then I'd shrink the world tonight so that I could find you and me inside
I can lean on you
4: Just cause you think it don't make it so
Can I trust you?
5: Baby come on over I don't care if people find out
No
6: I know what you think in the morning when the sun shines on the ground
You aren't worth it
7: Why are you strivin these days? Why are you tryin to earn grace?
I'm not worth it
8: Never win first place, I don't support the team
I'm not worth anything
9: Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking, when you fall everyone stands.
I'm invisible
10: I just want to run
No one will notice if I die
11: Hello my name is regret, I'm pretty sure we have met
I want to die
12: When life leaves you high and dry I'll be at your door tonight if you need help
You can't save me from myself
13: Be careful what you're wishing in the dark
Will anyone miss me?
14: You're killing my resistance now I have to let go
It's time
15: I can't take them on my own, oh I'm not the one you know
Thank you
16: There's no way to say this song's about someone else
Thank you
17: I should ink my skin with your name
Thank you for saving me
18: I don't know where you're going or when you're coming home I left the keys under the mat
I miss you
19: Night falls with gravity, the earth turns from sanity
No one will care if I die
20: Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews of a church corridor...