Isn't it marvelous
This light ripe like a juicy orange
Filling the clouds with luminous presence
That feels like something
Beyond my comprehension
Simply sit at the root of the tree staring
At its rugged skin and bright flesh
Peering through the cracks
I sense its aliveness as blood
Flowing through my veins
Warm and real and finite
I press my cheek against it
Feeling its breath
As I inhale you exhale
Simple coexistence
Interdependence
That makes me cry

By naked nerves
This pride was to be hung
Out to dry in the sunlight
Where life began
Outside this god forsaken shell
That tv mama sung into
This eager child's willing ear
Pride was a blanket yet to be sewn
And a glass of water yet to be poured
Promise of comfort
Nourishing hopes idea
That keeps on slimming
And leaving the baby
Forever hungry forever empty
Sugar coated futility and shame
Grandiosely dressed velvety pretense
Naked I wish to be
This moment is alive
Pulsating energy
Sweeping you off you feet and driving
Each heartbeat further
Deeper with tinkling
Cocktail of discomfort and
Purpose with a dollop of euphoria
Alive I wish to be
Simply complex, primitively dark
Painfully loving and unwillingly absent
Skinless as I am in my ****** honesty
As I am as I was as I will ever be
I let go
No more hanging on fear
There isn't loosing but setting free
Giving away of hearts
They only grow bigger in the end

It's been a long long time
Pride and Weakness
Closer that siamese sisters
Moving down the path into nowhere
Calling each other names
To keep the distance
Afraid to inhale each other's disease
One so humane it is melting
Into a sappy puddle so sticky
And vile and yet so touching
So understandibly sincere
Calling for strength to
Take away the void of eternal
Loneliness
Crawling along with its hand
Turned to the sky
Hoping the godly arm
Will prostrate through the clouds
And carry the weight of its
Sorrowful existence

The other proud it needs
No companion no hand and no
Conversation unless it has
Something to say to keep the world
Revolving silly pride
Its bones so stiff it could
Hardly bend down to smell
The flowers Senses so dead
It could feel no drops of rain
Nor warmth of light
Little did she know
She was only a speck
Waiting to fall to the core through
The cracks of an earthquake
She was in love with death
And the promise to prove
That eternal life wasn't a fantasy
She was the goddess itself
Or so she wished
Wished so hard she did believe
As it marched along in solitude
Yet weakness was all it could think

Split pieces of a puzzle
They walked into darkness
Away from the light.
Yet if only they held their hands
And realized they were but
Mirror reflections of each other
Their essence would merge
Into art most exquisite
Soaked in light
They would become
Strength and Kindness

...Mother called her...
Oh so skinless
Bare wire of emotion
Fragile like a matchstick
If it won't burn it'll break
All sinks in I am a pool
Leave me with a drop of poison
Or a cup of tea
It will all concoct into something
Too hard to taste through expectation
And for a while, the aftertaste will
Linger on the surface
Infusing this consciousness with a sheer
Hint of momentary
Sorrow
Naked still, container
For everything besides that
Silly old
Yes you,
Despair
My dear frenemy
How do I know you so well
Growing up so warm and overfed?
Leave my spirit be
With the homeless ones
They know you just the way
That I could only feel
They are me
But with a valid reason
Now surface hardened with
The pity for those
Running from their reflection
Let haters spit away
I love your truth
In hell or heaven
Hand in hand with
Itchy insecurities
They feel a lot
And then we cuddle

Let the whole world go to
Bits of narcissistic appraisals
Thumbs ups and shares
Plenty followers to
Cover up a sense of isolation
They wish would fill the hole that
Seems too scary to explore
And I...
I just can't stop looking into it
Each and every day
And it fills me with
Dread, mystery and light
Of some other kind
That only monks see well
I was never like them
But always wished to find
That place I would
Finally belong to  
Somewhere at the edge
Of a morning leaf
Where dew drop
Is about to fall

It helped you to survive
Than overtook you
The only way back
Is learning to own yourself
And your body

Something about beauty
Flickers at the edge of the horizon
When the dark tunnel
Repetition of colors and lights
Is what became of the
Greatest of all gifts

Something simple
Like a drop of water
A snowflake
A fallen leaf
Smell of autumn
Like a ray of sunshine bursting through the curtains
Cool morning air
Soothing the thoughts with anticipation of
Change so long awaited

Live your life, girl
Enjoy it, sip it from the vein
Of universal energy
Tear eyes from flat abstraction
Feel it, first and most important
Then let it go
Poor it out into the
Web of creation

Let it all go
Anger has a place
Where it belongs
Do not hold on
Too tightly or life will slip
Through your clenched fingers
Release the grip then
Fly free from
Fear

At her last breath
With humility she accepted
Then the lungs expanded
One l-a-s-t time
Oh the moment that lasted forever
The Experience most felt
Between the dawn and annihilation
Was hidden the vibrant spark of life
Always wrapped in hope's quilt

Questionable verdicts
Lead only deeper into the forest
Judgment never saved the day
We flow with the circumstances
Only hoping that another
Would do their best to
Be a fair comrade
Silly though it is
When their hobby is
To put on a mask of
I’m here for you
Only to take if off as soon
As your guard is down
With their glib grin
Enjoying your naive
Denial of everything
They believe themselves to be
So do you go?
Do you adjust the expectation?
I chose second
And yet the mask goes up again
What for? To remind me
Of a moment’s weakness when
I allowed myself to entertain
A thought that you
Could be so much better than this?
Can’t stop being myself
And there’s still a sense of purpose
In being present with
All your masks and deceptions
But can you stand
Awareness of your reflection?
How terrifying is it
To sit staring into silence
That isn’t even the silence
But the unspokenness of
Your own worst fears
That no one but you stirred up
Like orange juice in the coffee
You spoil your own drink
Because thirst is what you know best
And the moral of the story
Is somewhere where the
Intention was lost

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed
By the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening

People writing songs
That voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools, " said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
And the words that it was forming

And the sign said,
"The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls."
And whispered in the sound of silence

Memory drawn on a page
Scribbled like a Freudian slip
From the back of your mind
It oozed onto the paper
To be devoured by your
Surprised gaze
Only you can understand
And maybe to surface
Meaning will take its time
But you will feel its shadow
Hanging over your head
And you will fear the same
You did before the child
Gave up his will to fight
Heavy it will be
But to step forward
The chain of memory
Will have to be
Linked back together

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune,
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long,
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind?

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Is it left or right
Where the coin should fall
To open the door
That I wish was closed
And perhaps it is only
An eye that beholds
The image of fear
That composed  the walls
Of the tallest castle
That I draped in burgundy
And a sent of shame
Or perhaps it is only
A reflection of the worst angle
And I would rather blame it on...
The mirror is broken
It’s foggy and cold and it
Does not know of
Desire to stay away
Covered in goosebumps and scars
Perhaps I need your truth
Like the  empathy of
Monsters under my bed
Life is a dangerous swamp
That pretends to be a swan lake
Clear under the ice

I feel humanity
Seeping through your pupils
Filling me with that one
Most craved feeling
The only drug I would
Go to the end of the earth
To inject
The unity of two soles
In the small place of momentary
Intersection
I held you in my thoughts
And now in this singular
Eternity of a minute
I struggle to hold my tears
For there is nothing more important
For my soul than
to hold yours
In this unique moment
That will never repeat again

Transgressions without
Appologies like heavy bricks
Thrown on a stage
Instead of roses
Smell them and remember

Silence drowned in the eyes of the storm
Boundaries dissipate speechless
Confusion accompanied
By the song of the wind

A seeker of higher meaning
And a wannabe demon
What unites us?
The strange empty feeling
Nothing really
Something about the hardship of staying
Discrepancy between going higher
Or falling lower into
Dark as a pit in the belly of the void
That feeling you cannot escape
Smirking tickling uncomfortably
Squinting as I try to look into its colors
Seeking something to drive away
Overwhelmed panicky lack of sense
To feel complete content and concrete
What do I need?
Perhaps some presence perhaps a breath
Warmth or consolation
Perhaps some kind of heaven
Perhaps a gentle warmth of ****** tide
Or the volcano at the bottom of the spine
Anything is
Never enough or else pointless...
The deep well of chaotic darkness
Penetrates the vision
It's in the color of blindness
In oblivion of madness
In the dark starvation
The ever present dementors' chorus
Frustrated vibration getting the better
Of me of you of the kid who starts the war
Inside his mind inside her heart
Between the legs and within the
Ever leaking grip that cannot contain
All there is to possess
Now inside out
Splattered seeds of distraction and devotion
Striving starvation eager to be filled
By the crispness of green
The redness of alive
Numerous eyes stroking along the length
Of the ego's handle
The kind of pit... food will rot first
Before reaching the bottom
The kind of void oozing odors
Of unfulfilled and fallen
Or desperately giving to avoid
The emptiness of the void
And from that pit I draw the breath
And on the long exhalation I look
OUT
Into the world reflecting the light
Of the ever exploding
Surrounded by texture
Cradling this smallness of a body
And I put the first line on
The smooth white surface
As if a question
And the answer will poor out
Not through the answerless limitations of the mind
But through the hand
Holding this pencil

Life is so ******* fragile
And when you get to hold
Another's heart in your hands
It is so devastatingly terrifying
That this life could slip through
Your fingers
When you were least expecting
Drowning in helplessness

Backyard on the grass temperature raising
I feel a pulsating heat of energy inside my core
It feels right easy effortless
To breathe in the scent of your skin and
Melt into your fingertips
Oh how you feel me so well
Like you always did

Alone with myself
How cleansing the silence can be
To dissolve the mass of worry
Plugging my present
To glance into the depth of me
To wipe the fear and doubt
Off my forhead I delve
Deeper, still on the right track
Still more alive inside my mind
Than foreign eye can see
I like to be alone
Window open
Smoke
Breath of fresh air
Is just enough

Swallowed
By a cloud
I felt its piercing cold
Settle on my skin
Ghost wetness that lingers
The night
Full moon
Interlaced with
Dark rainbow clouds
Foamy mist
Above highway
Resting on the
Forest peaks
No limitations
To my inner freedom
No rules
To my aliveness
Pure sensuality
Here and now

There's a risk in every step
There's also very little choice
The feeling says it must be this way
The mind says turn around and go
The "normal" way
And less questionable
Fall into a familiar pattern
Or pretend to think for yourself
In the end the end is near
And we'll see each other soon
Here or beyond
Yet we fear
Yet so significant our path seems to be
Too important for some to risk
Too important for some
To go along the beaten path
Too important to feel the doubt
Too important to seek the truth
And that was planned too
Silly specs on a giant flying ball
Of dirt, rock and water

True change flows from acceptance
The hardest of lessons it blinds you
With its brutal starkness
So you confuse the light of truth
With the pain in your eyes
Fear of reality shuts doors
So alone you sit in the darkness
In the grim fantasy of your immodest
Boastful but in reality desperately frightened
Illusion
Molding your memorial out of suffering
Pointlessly convinced that only destruction
Could prove that you are still alive
Although you'd be the first one to disbelieve
Because you are simply terrified
To live

Thank you thorn
For reminding me
How beautiful
The color of my aliveness can be
Thank you human
For being an endless depth
I immerse myself into
When artificiality
Makes me want to
Dissociate into a cloud of smoke
Thank you music
For accompanying my mood swings
Thank you rain
For helping my melancholy
Feel at ease
Thank you betrayal
For reminding me
What true friendship should be
Thank you reality
For alerting my senses
With a slap in the face
Thank you bottomless hole
For accepting my efforts
Thank you randomness
For the pleasure of spontaneity
Thank you
For all that simply IS

Insides where I reside has me blossoming in fear, rosy cheeks for I am meek and hard to hear. ****** scars are not far from where my heart lies, in a dark hole with no soul is where my world dies.

I die a thousand deaths i willingly abide to that which nourished not, something to hide like mothers milk that fed the beast... kept in the dark until the darkness was absorbed... sun loved shade into tar, black as black can be illusion of the darkness turned into void... raise the flag against the pale that stole my all. Turn it inside out, let's see our likeness. How beautifully it hurts, makes me remember the comfort of that perfect ache... I loved my Mr. Pain, godlike he is for the survival sake. Kissing the lack of choice in the scruffy cheek pretending you saw a caring twinkle in his eye. It was closed, but who cares - imagine the world into oblivion. So what am I? A thousand shards that stab you in the eye. Anger and vengeance, wrongly delivered. Hostile confusion, fear of life, fear of annihilation. Devastatingly lost child who swallowed the why.

When legend created the world first came the question
Light or dark separated by the words, underlying meaning of things
Expressed in alphabetic notation always
Speaks with an accent, the fluidity of form
Inexpressible uncontainable strangeness
The leaf is a breath, food, healing and shade
You are not me and I am not you yet shadows of each other
Before the judgement comes it is, you are
I am, interchanged yet our own entities
No ultimate meaning beyond what one makes
Of this mess, snake's curious devastating boredom
Livelihood could be achieved or inspired
By something beyond,
Or lived without, in opaque dusk of utter meaninglessness
So I leave it up to the forces in charge
Spectator by nature
I rationalize what does not fall into place
You don't, now run, I am about to say it
Ambiguity!

There is darkness and death in your eyes
What have you got buried inside
The shallow grave in your soul
The ghosts there have taken control
You really should have dug a little deeper there
Body parts are starting to appear and scare
The child inside away

Each tear that flows down your face
Trickles then picks up the pace
And turns to a river inside
A river that will not subside
I can hear that dreadful overflowing sound
And watching from afar I see a child is drowned
The child inside your heart

I can see you drifting away
Heading for the light
I can see you drifting away
Every night

Why were you always inside
On days when the weather was fine
And while we were running around
You were nowhere to be found
You know you should have taken all your dolls to bed
But you were made to play games with your soul instead
The child inside you died

It hasn't been long
Since the universe made
It's last spin
That knocked you off your feet
In the midst of this sickening swirl
You reach for the door ****
Thinking you were held captive
In this life you called prison
All it took to escape
Was lifting your eyes
To merge with that
Which had no labels
No judgements, no yesterdays
And no promising
tomorrows
Just as you came you shall leave
And the only thing constant will be
The ever returning
Eye ******* blue
Above your head

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for form and land, for years and years I roamed

I gazed a gazely stare at all the millions here
We must have died alone, a long long time ago

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World

Erase myself to experience
And though the leaf looks so
Divinely alive and at one with the sun
Without aching there is no poetry

There was something upset in the air
Perhaps a hint of lacking responsibility
Perhaps a prideful lock on the apology
Or the cawardly pretence that a tweet into the
Faceless abyss
Could suffice as an excuse for a major
**** up
And when the lungs got used to this foggy quality
Forecast said the sun was shining all along
And the failure was everyone else's fault
But if I hold on to the chain of events
It leads me to the same dumpster I remember
Crawling out of
When the night was still fresh
Accepting it, I
Neither talk to it nor pretend it smells like roses

A-tisket and a wicked uber fella
I lost my jazz fest umbrella
And though I texted many times
He would not give it back

Was it yellow NONoNoNo
It was a black one for conservatives
And watermelony for insiders

And so it ***** and I'm upset
So I ordered a new one instead

Old man soaked in his *****
Dripping down his pants
Down the flight of stairs
His stare blurry
Past the point of no return, past his dignity
Drowned humanity
Went down with his only little
baby girl now a mother
Not any more
Slain by the hand of her children's father...
I played with them
She was kind and pretty
He was a brute
Shallow and dangerous...

I never saw them again
Kids stayed with the dad
Old man needed his space to fall apart
Police didn't play the part
I am still sick only thinking about
What life some people have to face

You're asking why the comfort doesn't
Keep away the angst?
They're still with me
Memories of all the broken people
I had a chance to meet
They never fade
That memory composed my purpose
Without it I don't exist at all

Descend to the bottom or raising to the top
Of The Well
Well aware of the consequences
When the soul gets tangled in knots falling
And expands as it approaches the light
Bouncing up and down
The endless tunnel we call
God

Egg shell fragile this presence
Dance around what I don't wish to guess
Shallow confounds of normality
All things placed where they belong
Where everyone expects to reach and grab
Exactly what was expected
A man on the moon questioned
Swinging his feet kicking the stars
Why?
The terrifying flood of uncertainty and
Get the guy off our sky
We find his manners unsettling
Poor thing fell off only to forget
Into a child form degenerative oblivion
Slowly drowning in the swamp of
What they consider reality
How absurd this life can be
All these years of traveling
Only to prove the starting point
I crave another galaxy I can call home

Sometimes it takes knocking down the tower
And clearing the rubble
Before the future could be built on its place
And the hardship it takes to see the misgivings
Taken as a second name - that is the definition
Of love not the sweet compliment to fill up
The empty space
Not the million empty likes to **** the day

Smallness crept inside
Wormlike string of fear
At the face of the grandiose
Grandeur, something
You wish could entangle in between
All your gaps supporting
The thin walls of crushing unimportance
And as it squirmed inside
You stomach empty and raging
It filled you with despair
Urgency to escape or to be
Held and cradled
By this enormity of everything
Most of which you will never see
Inside were thoughts
Bouncing off the walls
Meaninglessly sinking in
And dripping out
Just as meaninglessly
What are they in the face
Of endless repetition
So glorious and terrifying
You could breathe it in
Feel it, write it out, sculpt it
Or take care of its smallest bits
That fit into your grip
Tiny you are
Tiny I am
And all of them to come
Just as tiny-tiny bits of
Comparative insignificance
Yet like the molecules of matter
We hit each other's trajectories
And butterfly's wing governs the ball
So, good night dear insignificance
I thought of you today
Between every other blink
And on the big scale
It hardly even happened
Yet thought was most alive
In the universe of my
Petty mind
That never happened before
And will never exist again

Inescapable loop
Of jealousy for the gift
That I didn’t choose to
Possess a heavy heavy load
No one but me can carry
The cause of my persecution
But every tiny human
Who knows cannot be
Ever greater than their shallowness
The light that is for giving
Isn’t my choice
But it is the only source
Of light that is  ME
The celestial connection
Between  all that I am and the
Ground I walk on
The glimpse into another’s eyes
To be the channel
To transmit their needs
I am but a tool
And being faithful to my destiny
Is the greatest strength
And the most terrible burden
I ever got to know

The mirror refused to see
She dimmed and blurred
All that begged to be reflected
She was tired and speechless
A crippling sense of uselessness
Approaching like a midnight train
Shining with a loud squeaky terror
But with an ear for a story

A young body, light
As winter sunshine, a new
Seed's bursting promise,
Hung from a string of silence
Above its future.
(The chance of choice was never known.)
Hunger, new hands, strange voices,
It's cry came natural, tearing.

Water boiled in innocence, gaily
In a cheap ***.
The child exchanged it's
Curiosity for terror. The skin
Withdrew, the flesh submitted.

Now, cries make shards
Of broken air, beyond an unremembered
Hunger and the peace of strange hands.

A young body floats.
Silently.

The choice between going on or circling around
Spins around the same age long question
To let the fear run the course
Of life destined to end
As you are fearful and small
Or to conquer your destiny
As you fear
Always in the back of your humanity
And none of it comes down to
Anything primitive at all

Does sand evolve
Into a millions pieces of
Bits of cosmos and our consciousness
Intermixed with dozens of generations
Of feet drowned into
A physical experience of this
Moment
Firmly planted in this
Coolness surrounded by the
Salty inhalations of
Something so alive it pains
One thing I wish for is
To
Feel

As fire crackles emitting
A pleasant aroma ever so
Comfortable
Long ago I remember
The scent of lonely freedom
When transcending the feeling
Was the best high I could
Reach and oh how liberating
Now from day to day I scrape just enough minutes
For a quick scetch,
A few notes on my old piano
Maybe a poem or two
Your words that almost always
Sound like I knew them already
From some strange long ago
People I meet hugs I share
Puzzles I solve
Guidance I give
Presence with their spirit
I am living but
Spirit of adventure
Creativity
Freedom
Bravery
Still make me cry
As if I missed something
I was born to achieve

This subtle scent
When I press my nose against
The top of your head
It fills me with such joy
And strength
And fearlessness
To sacrifice anything there is
To me or my life
For the sake of your smile
Nothing that touches you
Even the idea of you
With hate
Can ever be part of my life

Take it easy
Enjoy
The senses
Have hope
For people
Believe

You are the backbone when I collapse
The blanket on a snowy day
My morning shower companion
Who feels like the extension of my skin
The smell of comfort on the pillow next to mine
When I wake up alone
My overstuffed feeding target
And the epicenter of my earthquakes
That I can neither resist nor withstand
The promise, faith, meaning and forgiveness
All in one person whom I could never lose

Don't be lonesome sailor
Swaying on the waves under the
Dark cover of speckled eternity
It isn't the end it may never be
And if it is to come
Than now is the moment to enjoy
The last minute to savor
The breath of sea **** in the air
To absorb before darkness covers you
With calm annihilation.
And wouldn't feeling suit you
When coda comes to mind?
When rest is here to stay
Do you not wish to feel
With every pore with every inch
Exuberance of simplicity
Electrifying radiance of
A single ray of sun
The melancholy of the road
Moon is tracing on the water
The path to eternity
The ever present wish to fly
The ever present wish to cry
The ever present wish to hug the world
And run away

Let the peace of mind be your valentine

Fear you cannot overcome
So you become fear
What an absurd paradox
Yet it is your life
Suffering immobility
Suffering cruelty
Suffering

Random thoughts like bees in the air
Simple and incoherent I catch them with my tongue
Only to swallow the depth in simplicity wrapper
A silly song on my mind and I hug the
Anxiety for never letting me rest
In and out goes the air and I string myself
Onto it like a bead in the necklace of
Everythingness and i know why I'm here
On this earth
Right now it's to fight the urge to dissociate
Into safe space of my imagination
Where I soak up every degree, every sound, every flavor not feeling
Guilty for taking a break to be the mother
My children deserved to have
On days like these there is not enough food
For my hungry mind except words and books
But I do like the grass stuck between my toes

Don't take me wrong
But
Starbucks
Chile
Mocca
Frappuccino
***