I'm trapped
I look out of the window and see this world
that isn't mine
this life isn't mine
I'm just a puppet,
everyone around me holding the strings Controlling where I go, what I do, what I say
Controlling how I think, how I feel, who I am
I'm just an animal stuck in a cage,
powerless
a fish stuck in a tank
I tap on the glass but it doesn't budge,
doesn't break
instead, those on the outside tap back at me
mocking, laughing
laughing at my struggle to survive,
to be my own person
I can't escape, I can't get out
I stick up for myself and it changes nothing
I try to break away but I get pulled back freedom doesn't exist for me
I do what others want me to do,
never complaining, never faltering
but I am tired
tired of getting pulled every which way, never having a voice or a say
When is the day going to come,
when I won't have to fight to be myself,
make my decisions, have an opinion
I just want to be free

I give you advice on your relationship,
make sure that you’re happy
you and her go so good together
so why do I still wish that was me?
It's so hard keeping this to myself
I feel like this is a battle that I'll never win
Please tell me how to let you go
so I can start over again
It feels like an identity crisis
I don't know who I am anymore
I never thought I'd feel so f*ing inferior
crying on the bathroom floor
I want to hate your guts so I can move on
but the truth is you haven't done anything wrong
Why do you have to be so aggravatingly perfect
every word you say to me just has this effect
it gives me butterflies to see your name on my phone
I don't know what's wrong with me,
never thought I'd feel so alone

If I would have known
I would have laughed a little harder at your jokes
You made me laugh all the time
Just getting to see your goofy side
If I would have known
I would have hugged you in case you ever felt alone,
thanked you for giving me somewhere that felt like home
You were there for everyone even with struggles of your own
If I would have known,
I would have never taken time for granted
Thinking I'd walk in and still see you dancing
If I would have known,
I guess I should have known
I wish you were here beside us
To see your smile light up a room
You were taken way too soon
I wish I knew you better
But I know you'll last forever
If I would have known
That I'd be staring at you all silent,
your eyes closed
I would have made sure that you knew
Even the smallest time I got to be in your life
You made all the difference in mine

A constant need
for the likes, the followers
the hundreds of friends, all claiming to care
a sense of unity, of togetherness
maybe you'll find your soulmate,
maybe you'll find a best friend
a place of false advertising,
distorted body image,
and fake smiles
a place of late night chats, forbidden love,
of stalkers and bullies and insensitivities
like a drug, consuming your mind
filling your days, filling your nights
putting a filter on the world,
but life’s not so black and white
those behind the screen
just need a place to be heard, to be seen
their constant urge to belong, to be loved
like an addiction,
an addiction called social media

F* you social media
for all the times you claimed to be safe,
when in fact you were the opposite
for all the little girls you made believe they would never be enough
for all the boys you told they weren't allowed to be vulnerable
for putting people on pedestals,
when they are just the same as everyone else
for anyone who you brought more pain than joy
for anyone who's life was consumed by you
for anyone who took their life because of you
for anyone who feels alone, because you
made them feel disconnected from others
for anyone who's become addicted to your lies
f*you for ruining lives and manipulating minds
for everything you've ever done to corrupt
this world,
and especially for thinking it's ok

Welcome to the graveyard shift of my brain
Welcome to apocalypse of my veins
They try to break me, try to change me
I don't want to stay the same
I couldn't have it any other way if I tried
These are all my fears, these are all my demons
Tried to run away, but you give me a reason
Even when I'm scared,
you never say your leaving
You make me feel loved,
give me something to believe in
Welcome to the all or nothing
kind of way of loving
If you want to leave me just say
I've learned to watch you walk away
I want to love you, want to touch you
but my mind gets in the way
I hope you'll stay with me anyways
Welcome to the sound of pouring rain
Welcome to the calm of the storm before the pain
Welcome to the roller coaster of my life Welcome to the ocean of feelings in my eyes
I'm trying to trust you, trying to know you
but my mind tells me I'm not worth it
When you smile it gives me a purpose
I love you, your so perfect

Someone smiles as you walk by
You smile back and resist the urge to sigh
You get a text out of the blue
saying “we should catch up, I miss you too”
You trick yourself into thinking you made a friend
But tomorrow you won’t exist to them

You try to wave at someone you recognize
They stare at you with dead, blank eyes
You’re drowning in this pool of lies
No one helps you, no one tries

You isolate and no one cares
You are invisible but yet they stare
You try to blend in but your mind compares
It’s a lonely world out there

I think of you in the silence
I think of you in the dark
I think of you when I’m alone
I think of you when it’s hard
I think of you when I close my eyes
and when I drift to sleep
I think of you in the skies
and when it’s time to grieve
I think of you in every flower
and when I sit outside,
I think of you in every rain shower
and when the clouds have cried
I think of you when I’m wide awake
and when the night won’t come
I think of you with every ache
and when the pain has turned to numb

Do the memories ever really go away?
Do they just go dormant and then replay?
I cut and smoked and drank to numb the pain
only to wake up and feel the same
now I avoid the mirrors and the camera screens
If I don’t look then I won’t be seen
I pretend my life is a movie scene
Can you yell “cut” so I can wipe the slate clean?
I’m ashamed of my body and the hate it’s consumed
But in my mind there’s only room for two
I can take the hurt and everything I’ve been through
But please don’t tell me I’ll lose you too
I’m in love and I’m finally free,
but my mind still plays tricks on me
I can’t be happy if I’m not who I want to be
I think I’m trapped in a world I wasn’t meant to see
One step forward and two steps back
Can I ever be satisfied with what I have?
I want to live in the moment but the moments aren’t enough
to erase the days that came before and get back what I lost