Do you think of me


In New York City?

In the false spring, there was light

                                                               Epiphany

                               Eureka in technicolor

But blinders above centrifugal spokes
                     scattered through prisms
           a deflection of armor
And
                  
                                   The rain came.

                                                                                       Light remained.

But what previously perceived
                       as vibrancy
was shattered in repeat streams
                       of disbelief
over every evil stitch seamed
                       in the fabric of my clothes
                                                                     And Rose-

Colored glasses gave way
                                                without rest
                external tempest
                                                with self-inflicted misery
I could not leave.

                                                                    And now I see
that the foyer of this love
                                               was not chromatic
                                               was not prismatic
                    though gaudy, flashy this all-encompassing
Prison of color
                                  was nothing but
           mediated, alternating, monopolizing
                                  preoccupying
                                                                    Shades of Blue.

                And then there was you.

The false spring melted down
                    to fragments in cracked glass
Wiped my blood from broken mirrors
                    no longer asinine and crass
Still mentally impounded
                                                 in emblems au courrant
Took a sip from poisoned drips
                                                                   just one more scar to flaunt

But every day in smaller strides
                                 the forage cleared and scorched
The winter came with sleet and
                           Rain
                                                             another touch to tortured

And as the ice begins to melt
                       and false spring lays to rest
With you there are no problems except
                                                                         where to be happiest

You used to come to me
When you were happy

And now

From a corded line
At the end of the drive

I can’t say I need you


Because you’re happy
So you have to go


From a corded phone

Even when you know

But I’ll never tell you I’m alone
Or that it hurts
Or that I need you

Because you’re happy
And you have to go


So I’ll sit here.
Dead phone tone.

Because you’re happy now
So you have to go.

How is it that the way I feel
Doesn’t appeal
the next day

The next hour

The next second

The next instant?

Sickening green plagues the airways and my burdened mind rests firmly in the folds of my skull
Hewn from dirt and molded like metal—in insurmountable heat

Absent of the pressure which turns to precious stone

Plagued in an illness that my own cells created
Or rather manifested
That nobody can see

And you hear it
You see it
It burdens you the same way it carves holes in my chest
Of deprecation
And inadequacy
That has absolutely nothing to do with me

And you hear it
You see it

So how could I ask you to help me carry
When your shoulders are already weary and heavy

Dare I reach out for the again-th time
I’d rather hurt quietly, convulsed, and inside.

I wish you knew

How it felt to meet your lips
Pillows of bliss putting my soul to bed

And I wish you could feel

The tracing edge of your fingertips
Drifting currents through my skin
To the shivered ends of my hips

and I wish you could hear

In the silence between pleas
For pain
The craving stifled stream of intimacy
Against the way I never wanted to be touched again


I never wanted to need



And I wish you
As you

Pulled from the storms of clouded vision
And black edged screams
could feel
The difference as I lift
To delicacy
Over legions of lesions
I claim I need

The ties between isolation and liberation
Seem faulty
Unruly
Impossible

But in felt driven black
And blotted skies
I find myself in that between
Awry
From meaning of life and gentrified
Feelings where we are assumed to spend
Most of our time

I tried

I wish I could hammer pointed flathead nails
Into my harrowed chest
Without the screws of drivered nights

Rendering me blind

Though now I understand I’ve been that way my whole life

The comfort of what’s always there
Illusions of truths
Falsified by minds so accustomed to presume
That we are never alone

Absent of human nature

But as the faulty lines
And sharp riptides
And avalanches
Of hidden tries
Rectifies

Nothing

We are alone

I am alone

She doesn’t know me
Where the other won’t hold me

What a shame
Who’s to blame?


Me of course


For my heart is too tortured
To harbor
Any broken armor
I’m just softly
Bandaged and bruised
By life’s tumultues

And I’ll never be arounded
Always surrounded
By fire and demons and unwanted reasons

As to why my mind screams in drones
Of always
Always


Always




Always



Being alone

How to be alone
Is something you claim you don’t know

And I agree

You’ve buried your identity in the ***** of others
People with higher shelves and faces more likely
To recognize in a crowd

And then you polished and shined and rode and dived into endeavors
The others defined
As their lifeline

Including mine

And I stopped and padded and wrought lost savage
And dusted away each
Tribulation nestled in the waves of your skin

To find the you within
That you for so long failed to recognized

And I’m not sure how I thought this time
some frankenstein
Would stay with me
With scissors for hands
Or stitches in your neck
All cosmetic

But internally is where I sewed the thread
Fought to bring your heart to life
The fire in your eyes

So now you tread so easily
Upon the hands that used to feed

You

Day in and day out
Fighting
Defying lying

Compromising

Flashback Coddling and coaxing
Gently supporting each idea of independence

And maybe the mountain I climbed
With you astride
Reached a summit I didn’t want to see

Where you realized you were free

And I carried your dead weight
And led your legs

To stand on your own

Found the fire in your heart
Let it glow

Until it flowed

Into roaring flames

And that’s why text of black on lightened screens within my hands
Holds lists of names—
Demands

That I not forget the ones who stoked my fire
Lit my fuse
And watched me fly

I’ll call them out each and all by name
Because I hope I never gave them pain

The way you have
In bursts and blows
When I tugged you to that summit
On twisted rope
I tore from my body
Combined of my soul

Cared to see you fly

Now you want to be alone

I laid in my efforts and left to your heart
And you took these tools and found light in the dark

Long has since passed of small pathetic tremors
In uncommon bedrooms and soft down white covers

Your ceaseless tears and your face in my neck
Crying of all the things you didn’t have left

and I’d take back nothing to see you fly this high
To see your ascent
And how hard you’ve tried

I knew it was in you
I didn’t do this FOR you
I simply provided the foundation’s
Fortitude

So how to be alone is now what you ask
Maybe that’s how I should’ve let you conquer the task

But I’ll wrap up my pain in ribbons and parchment
Glued with intention and my small sins, repent

now it is freedom you claim to pursue
But if you, from me learned,

Maybe one day you’ll return