I honestly am not suicidal anymore.
And that's good.
It's nice to be able to say that again.
I'd like to feel like I'm living more often, but I don't want to **** myself anymore, at least.
I honestly am not suffering from an eating disorder or any kind of weight paranoia.
This is also good.
It is really nice to be able to feel less worthless in that sense.
These are good things.
I'm getting better.
Let's focus on the positive, Ember.
This year WILL NOT JUST BE AN EXTENSION OF LAST YEAR.
You don't want to live like that anymore.
The silence is over.
Build something better for yourself.
It's time to find your own escape.
And it's time to focus on something better.
Maybe this sinking feeling of depression isn't entirely escapable, but count the struggles you've overcome.
I don't cut anymore, I don't starve anymore, and I don't make drafts for suicide notes anymore.
These are good things.
I still feel hollow, but I'm alive.
I'm going to start FEELING alive.
This is my goal.
It will be okay.
I need to start believing that.
because it is true.
I just don't know it yet.

There are those
Who you cry over
Tears stream down
When you know
That those you loved
Left or betrayed
And you cry because
You loved them
And because a part of you
Still does
Because they were perfect
And because you
Still want the old them
They have changed
But you cry for the future
That could have been

But now my eyes are dry
And it's not because
I go with out pain
You hurt me and fight me
But I don't cry
Because you don't deserve
My pain
And you definatly
Don't deserve my
Love

The world is filled with division
Resulting in endless collision
Because we fail to envision.
We only use literal vision
Without a second of indecision
We jump to rash decision
And attempt to imprison
Those who caused the division
Without giving revision
To our lack of precision.
resulting in misprision
Which only adds to collision
And the terrible decision
To access our nuclear provision

Don’t text me when you’re drunk
Don’t even say my name when you’re high
Don’t think about me when you’re with her
Don’t reduce my worth to that

I haven't heard from you in a while
I haven't pulled out your picture and looked at it in ages
I haven't written poetry about you in a long time
I haven't been missing you

You used to be more interested in books than Ecstasy
You used to swear for no reason less
You used to be kinder
You used to be what you aren't anymore

I secretly hope you've looked at my picture once or twice
I secretly hope you'll text me again one day
I secretly hope you miss me just a little bit
I secretly hope that if you ever decide to "miss me" again I have the strength and courage to say "That's nice."

not "I miss you too"

1:30 AM is when my head starts hurting and my body feels heavy with burdens
My soul feels hollow
And I don't really know who to talk to
Because it's a little late to call anyone
I'm googling weird things
And making my bucket list
Coming up with distractions for weeks to come
Because it is my only escape from my inexplicable pain and sadness

You guys are smiling and making jokes
You tell me I should really be working
I tell you I'm too tired to work right now
I'm not tired
Well, I am, but that's not why I'm not working
I just can't breathe
I know I'm not alone, but I feel completely alone and I don't know Why I'm feeling so hollow
Make it stop. Please.
You don't notice though.
Maybe it's better that you don't.
I'll keep listening to sad music and wonder why I'm feeling so empty when nothing is even wrong
And you keep not knowing how horrible I feel
Because you have problems a lot worse than mine, for sure
I don't want to tell you, because you don't deserve to have to listen to my sadness on top of your own
And I feel selfish if I tell you
I just don't know who to talk to
And even though I'm surrounded by people
I. Feel. So. Lonely. I. Feel. Like. I. Have. Died.

Things were bleak
And dark
Dreary
And deadly
It looked like
Nothing would help
And somehow
Things got better
And now
Everything
Is gonna be alright
There are still problems
But I know that somewhere
There is a solution
And so I should be happy
Yet I feel empty
Like a part of me
Is missing
Hollow
And alone
It's not a sadness
That lets me cry
It's not depression either
I'm out of tears
Yet out of smiles
Simply
There
Lonely
But not alone
Hollow
But full
Sad
But not crying
Tired
But wide awake
Talking
But not speaking
Smiling
But not happy