Poems are making me sad.

Every word pierces me,
and every sentence
rearranges itself
and spells your name.

Poems are making me sad,
but you are making me sadder.

It's 11:11
and for the first time
after a very long time
I'm wishing for myself
and not for you

Hahaha hi it's almost two am here and I know I should probably clean this paint mess I did and go to sleep but I don't want to. I feel like I'm drunk, like my heart is palpitating and my head is spinning and I'm struggling to type these words because my hands and my feet and face are numb right now and I don't know why because I haven't drank alcohol in months.

I just finished watching the meteor shower and I didn't bother making a wish because deep inside I know what I'd wish for and I think the asteroids knew it too- how wouldn't they, I talk about you every night.

Then I decided to finish this painting I started because I thought "hey, maybe this time I'll stick with something." And I did finish it and even though it's a girl, it has your eyes and your favorite colors and now I want to rip it and throw it away. Hahaha

This *****. You ****. I ****. This feeling *****. Wanting you to be here *****. Wanting to be there *****. It does. It does. It does.

I'm going to sleep now, maybe, I don't know. I'm afraid you're there and I'm afraid of the things I might say and I'm afraid of breaking down again.

Yes, she's very materialistic
but before you lecture her
about the impermanence
of things, about the importance
of human connection,
know this.

She is aware.
She knows the bond
between souls is incomparable,
that it is beyond words,
the way people open up.

She knows.

The only reason
she values things
as much as people
is that she longs
for something tangible,
something she sees,
something that is
always there.

Because for her,
people are birds.

They come.
They go.
Some come back.
Some don't.

not sure if i want
you back. maybe i just miss
who i used to be

You put your arms around me.
You smiled your real smile.
You held my hand.
You ran after me.
You looked deep into my eyes
and said how serious you were.
Oh god you made me feel loved.

But it was just a dream.

It hurt.
It hurt waking up.

I wanna go back

to my dream,

*to you.

I need to stop thinking
that people are mind readers
and start saying what I feel.

I may be an open book,
but everyone else is busy
reading theirs.

I envy birds.

They have this
special part of
their brain that
is only for singing.

They come in
multiple colors
and everyone
is exceptionally
beautiful.

But most of all,
they have wings.
They can fly to
south for the winter.
They can go to places
most of us can't.

They are free.

I feel like I'm never
gonna open up,
not because I don't want to,
but becase there's no one
to open up to.

It's funny,
how she
can easily
see
the beauty.

In others,
but never
within her.

I've burned my bridges
to the past; I didn't know
it knew how to swim.

I have this ache in my back, you see
and before I thought it was just bad posture
so I stood and sit up straight and held my head high.

But then the pain never receded,
I thought it mimics the curve of your smile,
the arches of your hands,
the ridges of your palms.

That's when I realized

I was falling for you
and it was not you
or my posture that's
affecting my back,

it was wings growing
to stop the fall.

And I took the flight.

I don't remember
everything from my dreams but


**I remember you.

I'm all over you
like fingerprints on tape, an
evidence that I
was there once, and loved my stay.

i passed by our usual route
and went to our usual breakfast spot.
it's still the same
but somehow different.

probably because you aren't here.
but you still is,
at least the version of you
i was in love with.

i keep looking for him
even though i know he's not here anymore.
i guess i like breaking my own heart
for it reminds me i still have one.

i am truly trying
to let you go.
but at least for today,
can you let me mourn?

for the moments we had
for love we shared
for who you were
for who i was

they say not to make a home out of your grief
but how do you do that
when she has been the one who’s always there?

i try to pinpoint the very first time i met her-
was it when my best friend left and i refused to say goodbye, missing my chance to ever say it, and now i barely remember her name?
was it when i saw my mother repeatedly cry, behind the sunglasses, amidst large crowds, and all i hear is the shattering of hearts in her shaky words?
was it when i was left alone to take care of everyone else, to pick up the pieces, and to try to make it whole so that the ones after me has something to hold on to?

i also try to recall when she decided to stay-
was it when i was at my lowest and all i wanted was for him to hold me but instead he made me feel like i’m a burden he doesn’t want to carry anymore?
was it when i finally allowed myself to envision future only to have him drop me and realize during the free fall that i was never in his?
was it when the hope i saw blossom in everyone get stolen by a thief in the night followed by the helplessness of not being able to fight back?

and i do is cry
and cry
and cry

but not just for myself anymore.

that’s when grief is the loudest-
when i think about the could have beens
when i realize the impact beyond my bubble
when i start to feel the dark creeping in.

because lately she envelopes me in this unbearable sadness
and im terrified at thought of her comforting me…

because she does
she’s the only one holding me and puts me to sleep at night.

grief has been a constant reminder that i’m alive
and sometimes i find myself reaching for her
just so i can feel something, anything

so maybe grief isn’t my home
maybe she’s my favorite guest
and she can stay for as long as she wants to

She plays with words
like marbles and jackstones
and she plays with hearts
like jumping ropes and cards.

She holds you inside of her palm
and you can feel the little earthquakes
happening inside her everyday.

She holds you inside of her palm
and when she picks up the pen and writes,
all you can read is

*you, you, you.

I was fine you know.

Eventually, I got over it.
I filled the hole that you left
the day you decided that you'd
never want anything with me anymore.

We kept it silent.
Our friends, they never really felt
the cold air hanging between us,
just like they never felt the spark we once had.
Are those sparks even real?
Or am I just imagining things?

Life was tougher than it already was
when college started and you were
never around anymore.

I watched you grow fond of your new life,
how happy you looked without me in the picture,
without me acting as dead weights over your ankles.

Then I decided,
I could be happy again.

I was fine without you before,
I will be fine without you now.

And you know what?

I was right.

I met new people and
they brought me back to life.
They made me feel wanted
and appreciated and special.
They invited me over dinner
and movies and parties.
They were there when I got
my first tattoo, when my birthday
came, they surprised me.

I was happy again.

Why do you have to ruin that?

Why do you have to come running
back to me?

Why do I keep opening up my door for you?

Why do I keep wishing you'd stay?

Why did you make me want you again?

I was happy.

HAPPY.
GENUINELY HAPPY.

Why did you have to take it away?

Why did you make me fall for you again,
when we both know you will never catch me.

I was fine without you.

Why did you have to erase
the progress I made?

I admit, I don't like exerting effort.
I am sorry but I am not gonna hold on
when I feel that all you want is to let go.
I am sorry but I am not gonna run after you
the moment you decide it's not worth it anymore.
I am sorry but I am not that kind of girl.

But that doesn't mean that I am not
gonna cry when you slip away,
that my heart won't be crushed to pieces
when I see you with someone happy.

It's just that I want to be free.
I don't want to weigh you down.
I want you to be with someone
that deserves you.

My door is open but I am sorry,
I am not going to keep you inside.

They say that there is
always something
unspoken between
two people,

and sometimes I think
our was the three words
we're too afraid to say,
like everyone else.

I think we'll never gonna say it,

but we know,
deep inside.

Right?

can we meet at our spot?
the place where you first kissed me,
the place where we danced in the parking lot

dont worry, i wont ask you to try again
or ask you to stay or hold me
like you did back then

i just want to properly say goodbye,
you don't have to say anything
just look at me straight in the eye

and i will finally say what i've wanted to say-
that i really wanted it to be you
in every possible way

but you're not it so
i'll give you one last hug, one last kiss
and maybe that's when i can truly let you go

I don't know if I'm
gonna believe those songs.

I don't even know if
they were for me.

I don't know if I'm
willing to take that risk again.

Because I don't know if I can handle
another heartbreak, especially from you.

I don't know.
But I want to.

There is a term in chemistry,
particularly in the nucleophillic
addition of alkyl halides called
pentavalent transition state
that says there could be partially
formed bond and a partially broken
bond existing at the same in a carbon atom.

Sounds nice because there is still a chance.

But my professor said that that cannot last forever.

One bond must be fully broken
in order for one to stay.

I know I have to leave...

but can I stay at least a little more?

I still remember
the first time you held my hand
and how I forgot how to breathe.

I still remember
the first time you kissed me
and how that literally took my breath away.

I still remember
the first time you told me
I was the most beautiful woman in the room
and how I took your breath away.

I still remember
the our first big fight
and the difficulty of breathing in between sobs.

Now,
it's the first time we're truly apart
and I can't help but long for the days
where I'm breathing the same air as you.

All I do these days
when I'm not drowning myself in work,
away from you-
is remember all those firsts,
and my breathing pattern,
and how I felt truly alive.

I stood down here,
arms wide open,
waiting for you.

They got tired,
I got tired,
but I never moved an inch,
because I'll never know when
you'll come,
when you'll finally decide
to cut the strings,
when you'll learn to trust.

I am here.
I am here.
I am here.

Waiting for you to take the fall.

I am ready to catch you,
more than ready.

I will wait.

I am here.
I am here.
I am here.

Don't sing me songs
if you have no intention
to stay,

because once it is sang,
there is no going
away.

Sometimes I ask questions
not for their answers but as
an excuse to talk to you again
and sometimes, I think to myself,
you answer because you want to talk too.

We have been reintroduced
a lot of times
and each introduction
had more impact than the previous,
each introduction had the
ability to shake me up
and all the walls I've built
are slowly flaking away
and a couple more, you'll see
the real me and I hope
that if it happens,
it will be last introduction
because there is no leaving,
no going away. Please.

May 23, 2015
I spent a long time
wondering when
I'll see you again.

    August 11, 2015
    I must review anatomy now.
    I can't help but remember
    how you traced my palms.

        September 6, 2015
        You started visiting me
        in my dreams again.
        Is this a sign?

             *October 10, 2015
             Our friend will celebrate
             her birthday later and told
             me you can't make it.
             I felt sad because it could have
             been an opportunity to see you again.

October 11, 2015
Another of our friend
will be home tomorrow
and you said you'll go.
Finally, I thought.

    October 12, 2015 3:06pm
    I saw you today.
    I thought I saw sparks
    in your eyes.
    I know you're happy.

           4:45 pm
           You told me about this girl
           and you can't help but smile.
           I smiled to you as well so that
           you know I wish you well.

                 5:05 pm
                 I didn't feel anything
                 when you told me about her.
                 And I noticed you can't look at me
                 in the eyes.

                       now
                       I guess I made you wait
                       for far too long.

How am I supposed
to have wings,
how am I supoosed
to learn how to fly,
when I always need
at least one feet
to be in touch with
the ground, when
I always need
sturdy branches
to hold on to?

Tell me how am I
supposed to be free
when I can't let
the wind carry me?

i started seeing someone new.
we did the things we used to do-
went to dinner and kissed at the backseat too
and if im being honest, in the dark he almost felt like you.

and i know it's unfair for him and for me,
using each other so as not to feel lonely.
i guess we're settling for something temporary
for a future with anyone, that i really cannot see.

i think the main reason im writing today
is to make myself realize i cant stay this way.
i guess i haven't really let you go, that's all i can say
and i can't rely on someone else in order to feel okay.

When I first saw you,
I was blinded and saw
bokeh lights and
a fuzzy silhouette.

You came closer and
I felt your warmth as
if you're the Nothern Star
and I'm on the way home.

Whenever I see fire,
I see you and you started
something in my heart
that felt like those little
fireworks you hold every
new year.

I thought your flames
would stay and your
embers won't go out.

But it's winter again and
I've never felt the wind
this cold.

It made me shiver so hard,
it chilled my bones.

i. I will see you again in the weekend.

ii. It's been months since we last talked,
months since I've felt something again.
Today's different.

iii. You see my dear,
nothing really ever lasts,
especially with me.

iv. Emotions fade,
feelings disappear,
moments pass,
people go,
dreams are forgotten.

v. I would like to think
you're the exception,
that because of you,
I'll finally have something
to hold on to,
something to remember,
something to look forward with.

vi. But that's not the case.
I forget to remember,
you forget to cherish,
we forget to nurture,

we forget us.
(If there was even an us.)

vii. I will see you again this weekend.
And it's like starting with page one,

I'm confused with what to feel about that.