it's silly how were all the same
fragile friends with fake-ids
our eyes welling beer tears
each day
a new breakdown
desperate to catch a breath of each moment
while the world shoves our futures
down our throats

today, on valentine's day
i'm glad i'm back home
because otherwise
i'd probably run into you
in the hallway
or as i'm walking out the door
and you'd pretend you don't notice me
as you lately always do
that
or i'd just be alone in my room
lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling
thinking about how we both live in the same building
and both want each other
but nothing's going to happen.
it's utterly pathetic
and seems to be a common trend for my love life in college
so far.
i'm just ******* because i know this is cliche
but we are so compatible
and i think your hair and laugh and scrunchy smile are adorable
(and those dumb red high tops you always wear that oddly attract me to you more)
and i'm annoyed
that you threw it all away because of your nerves
and honestly who the hell knows
what is it about me that always scares people away?
just one of many questions i am left to ponder
alone in my bed.

the moments kiss you so quickly
you regret your promiscuity
while also questioning it's existence

i listen to tragic songs
not because i want to be sad
or disappear further in my shadow
but because they speak to me
bring clarity to the things i feel
and explain what i cannot say
out loud

lately i've been overwhelmed
bathing in the idea of potential
i exist in my head
and i live in my dreams.
i feel your smile on my neck
and your whisper makes me shiver
music that travels up my spine
and buzzes through my limbs
but it isn't real yet
your glow breaks through everything i see
and i'm floating on a crystal current
i want so much and i see it all
but i'm trapped
i'm unable to move
i'm forced to sit here and pretend
to hope
i can't wait
but i'm also afraid

when i close my eyes
i go to places i've been to
maybe not
i decorate memories
in short breaths
i see neighborhoods
i see miles of desert
driving through dilated sunsets
i see the light hanging
kissing me through the window
warm sun caresses my body
while i'm laying in silken sheets
and then familiar sounds of summer
the intense feeling of being home
when i was young and nothing mattered
my thoughts and talks from those days are gone
but i'm left with the sensation
everything could've been a dream
im drifting now
i'm a child at the airport
the excitement of whats to come
fills my lungs
i need that now
i need to be young
i am young
let me fly

there's something sad about the sky
watching it fall down in colors
and paint itself to sleep
I sit and wait
for something I haven't figured out yet
listening to music that matches the hue
of the now darkened sky

I think that my disease is being okay
and living for momentary gratification
this week
nothing felt complete
you, me and everything that happened
standing in places because I should
looking at chilled and chiseled landscapes
that should transfix
but my eyes felt too hollow
not even being drunk felt like enough
I expect too much
and I feel so small