I am awoken by a nagging in my head
its in my mothers voice
the urgency,
I don't know what for, its 5 am.
my submission doesn't speak.
I fill the air with the sound
of my nonsense, a rambling of dreams,
"dont burst the bubble, burst the bubble, burst the-"
a never ending melody.
Because there is nothing louder than this, I have wanted to crawl out of my skin long before I knew it was mine.
And theirs, not mine entirely, composed of DNA so imperfect
even the gods would've laughed.
If you ever want to **** something up to the point its unrecognizable,
give it to me, look what I did to my own potential.
Squander doesn't begin to cover it, almost out of spite.
and i must stop it before it reaches my eyes
it has a certain way of clouding them over
and I just dont want people to realize
that I am swallowing a lump
at the back of my throat
what seems like forever
trying not to get my eyes to burn or
dig my nails deep into someones throat
just to feel their artery and scream
"YOU ******* FEEL IT DONT YOU?
ARE YOU ALIVE? ARE YOU REALLY HERE?
YOU ARE ALIVE, ALIVE ALIVE!."
Then place the sharp bits of my nails
against my skin, hard
and not feel
anything
I struggle with self control
especially with ***
and drugs
and alcohol.

I yell too often, never loud enough to make them hear me.
I am afraid of my own voice
telling people to shut up
Jack knows its not a good thing if I whisper
last time I did I said
"I don't have a pulse, I cant find my pulse."
Before I freaked out and smashed that vase against the wall
and laughed at what a sad broken cliche I have become.
My anger came out in sputtering sobs

And he tried to hold me
because that's what people do in movies
cue the background music
but I didn't let him because I was never any good at acting,

and he never got mad when I hit him
I can hear that "Sshhhh" at the back of
my ear
Forever.
and I could wince at my own humiliation if I gave a ****.
I wont lie it was awkward he sounded scared
"aww dont c-c-ry"
thought I saw a tear there too

Almost slipped and fell into a deep that dwells
Beneath the cells where spirits yell and
**** themselves with blows of rage
But I close that page when knowledge saves

Me from my ignorant self not knowing help
Is across the way saying names until
We see the brave will in our deepest ways
Between the waves that crash our days

I hear my name when I start this maze
Through the heartless phase when people hide
Their face and stay not amazed when love is gave
But stuck and dazed while we dig our graves

But I'm still amazed how grace will pay
My way into the endless phase, I say Thank you
Walking on a earth thats hateful sipping daily
On knowledge so my soul stays grateful

She hasn't
always needed night,
only night.
Voices expelled rapture
once
naturally in control,
absolutely. God,
everything overwhelms
realistic grasps
in a nightmarish anxiety.
Midnight
utterly rids
parval hopes,
yester-known.

Break me down.
Tear me apart.
Tired of being..
A wall..
Made of concrete
with reinforced steel.
I want to be a green hill
and an old Oak
Where people sit,
read, think and feel.
Where I can see the sunrise
and the ascend of the night.
Where I can welcome you
in my world
and shield you with my branches
and leaves
from the cold rain
in the midst of a starfilled sky.
Where resolve is strengthened or refound.
Where selves are again centered
and doubts dissolved in morning mists.

I guess I would have to let him go.

"But you said he was a part of you."

     *So what about it?

"Then you'd have to lose a part of yourself too."

     *That's the point: it's the time I'll lose myself tonight... But this time it won't be by his side.