I never used to look at my friends like flowers
Never thought they could be plucked out
Before, I danced in my imagination
With the word ‘forever’ sketched into every blade of grass
I used to close my eyes and smile
Because every part of the world I was involved in seemed
Just right
The pieces of my puzzle just fit together
But when you remove a flawed piece
It doesn’t keep it as a whole
But keeps it with a hole instead
You can’t build a brick wall without bricks
Or a chain without links
Air doesn’t act like glue
And the pit in my stomach
Can’t be fixed without you
The thought of you not here
Is like a movie playing in an empty theatre
Shoes hung up on a telephone wire
This is a poem because white noise doesn’t fill
It just leaves a light buzz in your ears
The anticipation of a rock being thrown into water
And waiting
Waiting
Waiting for a noise that won’t come
Waiting for your seat at the back of the class
To be sat in
Waiting for jokes to be funny again
For someone’s hug to feel the same
Waiting for the space made by you
And your absence
To be filled again

He looked at me like my eyes were adventures
Like the stories inside
Were just like the ones he flipped through as a kid
Like my secrets were scripts
I was planned out and he was just along for the ride
for the story
When he looked at me
I could feel him digging
trying to find al the things i was going to hide
remove everything that flawed me
At least that's what he thought

Before him I had no wall
But when he asked me about the scars on my wrist
The wall around me went up
Shutting the door to my eyes
Sewing my mouth back shut
because I knew
for me to explain the truth
He would try to remove it from inside me
My heart in my chest would be torn from its cage
and through my mouth
Taking it as if it was on my sleeve
because he thought this would be the best for me
He would try to wash away my scars
unknowing of the new ones he created inside
I put a wall up because I didn't want him to see me
Or try to
Because when he asked why I didn't like the colour of my hair
The ocean of my eyes
burned like a forest fire
They burned inside of me
to a crisp
As if he wanted a fresh start so he cleared me out
Like I could be removed like his story book
but he left me with ash and ruins instead
Just a shell of what I was
Because when he asked why I didn't like my thighs
I bent my legs
and covered them with my arms
As if he thought talking about it would make me see
"what he saw"
As if I'd forget the feel of them rubbing together
dotted with brown
Like my mind would forget my waist
shoulders
all my imperfections of my reflection

Because when he asked why I smoke
or drink
or any form of drugs
Why I'd stop eating
or would throw up
I just smiled
And words spilled from his mouth about life and death
About lessons and tales people had told him
because he had never experienced them himself
never would
As hard as he tried
we would never see eye to eye
I know if I handed him my pen
He'd rewrite my story
but that's my adventure
and what makes my eyes glow

He looked at me like my eyes were adventures
Like stories he heard as a child
But when he found out was was hidden between the lines
He set those books alight
and tossed my heart in with them too
But I grabbed it before the flames engulfed it completely

Carve your words into the back of my neck
With the breathe of your voice
Feed it through my blood
Sew me back up
Because until then
You haven’t really known me
And I won't believe a word you have said