your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

After a storm comes a rainbow they say
But the storm ripped the roof off my house
The storm drowned my entire family
The storm left me with nothing
So now
The rainbow doesn't mean that much

Keep everyone out, dig in and be quiet.  Don't bother anyone, do what everyone wants.  That's how you grow, that's how you learn.  This way you are safe and remain unharmed.  Don't show anyone your weakness, your fear, your sadness.  This way no one can touch you, no one will see it.  But somewhere there is someone who cares about you so much, who recognizes everything and experiences it with you.  At a distance, in silence, with tears and pain.  But who wants nothing more than to be with you.  To share in uncertainty, fear and sadness.  You are also having a hard time, and I am the one who sees it...

Can someone finally come and save me from this tower?

I have a fear of heights and don't dare to go down alone.

i realized i am loved
and im being selfish
being selfish comes in so many different forms
im tired of dwelling
there’s light behind these black out curtains
today i realized that all i have to do is push the curtains aside and let in the warmth and light
no more sobbing in a cold black out box
there’s so much more to life

I'm not mad, I have already forgiven you.
You broke my heart multiply times, not just my heart, but also me, you broke me whole.
You were toxic, you were the most toxic person I have ever knew.
But still, you were the best one I ever had.
Even though most of the time I felt unloved and not good enough,
Even though a lot of times I was happy when you were not around.
You were still the best.
You taught me to get out of toxic situations and relationships.
You taught me my worth, you taught me to stand up and say " I deserve better".
You taught me that just like love, even heartbreak doesn't last.
You taught me how to heal.
Even though I am not fully healed yet from you, I will.
For a time, I hated you, for how you treated me and for breaking me and for making me feel the worse ways someone could feel.
I hated you for when you told me that your biggest regret was dating me.
Those words still pierce through my heart like a knife.

But I want you to know that,

I want you to be happy wherever you are.

You gave me hope, hope that I could be loved.
Ever since I met you, every time I woke up I knew it would be a good day because I would see you.
Even when I had to wake up so early that even the sun was not up yet, even when I was so tired that I wanted to stay in bed, and even when I woke up sad, as soon as I saw you, my day was complete.
On the days I woke up sad, my sad morning turned into smiles by just looking at you.
Working was heavy, it was not easy, it was boring, and I thought I would never have a friend, I thought I would always sit alone outside during breaks smoking a cigarette alone in the cold.
But then you started working there too, and I wasn't alone anymore, I had a friend and work was fun, I wanted to go to work just to see you.
I was happy at my work, because you were there.
And I started growing feelings for you, and I thought, maybe, very maybe, you would have feelings for me too.
How dumb was I?
You told me how beautiful the new colleague is and at that moment, my heart dropped.
All the hope I had was gone, it all went to dust and blew away with the wind.
Every sign you gave me, was not love or like, it was friendship.
And I started thinking and thinking, and I thought to myself "If you can't love the person you see in front of you, how can you ever love the real me? How can anyone ever love the real me?"
I wanted to be mad at you, I wanted to ignore you and give you bad looks.
But I can't be mad at you, I can't blame you for not loving me.
I can't.
I know deep inside that if you knew it would hurt me, you would not have said it.
I know you wouldn't want to hurt me.
But what more can I do?
How do I have to be so you would love me?
Maybe, I was just not made to be loved.
No, not maybe, I'm sure about it.
I will lay down my feelings and I will give up this fight.
Because I can't make you love me.