I'm never alone
I just entered a world
where a hummingbird
twirled and danced
and formed
a swirl
that pulled my soul
into a whirlwind
a sanctuary
a forest
and i'm the only one using words here
i'm smaller than the birds
and they allow me to sit here
and watch them
not fly
but peck the ground at my feet
and for once
i'm not defeated
because what i see
is clear
and it's all I've ever needed
and i have no fear
cause the trees protect me
when I breathe
deeper
than I ever could tangled in city lights
and bars with different people
I lean with the weeds and the leaves
that leaves me feeling weightless
thousands of limbs and twigs
rocks and cliffs
with more control than we dare to give credit
but i give my life for this
i'm forever indebted

I'm tossed up between
Belief & leaving
Cause nothing's the same
& I don't feel shame when
I'm daydreaming
& you believe
In something else
In something I don't need to
deal with
I believe in what's best for myself
No longer arresting my feelings
So it's time that I reel in
My slack
& go back
To a time when I was confident
Cause this time's got me
Trapped
Locked inside a sarcophagus
I won't waste anymore words
I'll just climb to the top again
While you play swords
With this girl
Who adores
like a whirlwind

are miles suppose to mean something to me ?
if I don't breathe when I'm with you
if I can't breathe when you leave
it's the same **** thing
[ e v e r y  t i m e  ]
I scribble these lines
I try making them rhyme
am I just wasting mine ?
what is all this time good for ?
torture maybe ?
if miles separate lives
when i'm  dying to find
the right lines to align
and building this frame
with nothing behind it
the sky is the limit
but the sun is so blinding
so I go out at night
and chase moonlight with wine sips
I've learned not to trust wine lips
or lips at all, really
cause i'm afraid of the brain
that makes it all so appealing

My pocket is glowing
In most places it happens magically
But tonight it's just someone texting
grief and tragedy

I could write entire novels
slowly down your body
my lips pretend to be a pencil
and your spine, my only hobby
gripping tightly to your chest
as if your bones are now my desk space
carving letters of my longing
down your arms
my lungs are desperate
for the right to be your air
while my breath endures this chest ache
forgetting what a life outside
is like
your ribs become my breakfast
your body is a mountain
I continually climb
and your neck becomes a bite of hope
that haunts me all the time
your skin is like an ocean
your salt becomes my wine
you build with your two legs
a space for me to live inside
and I study what you're made of
I compare you to the sky
like the moon you glow on top of me
like the stars you blow my mind

I don't read you anymore
polluted all my secret spots
and if you wrote one thousands words
my eyes won't have a single one
you see I have a billion thoughts
already
plastered in my head
one more word
i feel of yours
might corrupt each word I've said
and so I'll kindly let you know
that i won't
read anymore poems
i'm still so lost in my own soul
your stories
pour pain down my throat
and
i'm trying like a king
to be open to this reading
not really knowing much about you
confuses what I should believe in

I'm inside of the d*** on purpose;
the last couple of plates you've dropped
& kept eating from, and I wish you'd just be careful.

I only wanted for the grass on this side to stay green, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if you sat down.

I don't like trying to squeeze between your ribs but I know I left something good there.
Like, how I should have been less than a stranger the longer we kissed until it backfired and now it's the mouth making all of my decisions while your hand covers my heart.

& It was never about bodies /
I wouldn't know how to worship anything
& peace of mind has never been very gently priced so I'll overpay in the form of self destructive predicaments and overused adjectives, pretending everything's okay when I can't hear any of the rhymes anymore.

ecstatic, lateral / irrational longing
ticktock time bomb waiting for your
slack to tighten, get back to me

whiskey-stung bottom lip under
white sheets and thunder
hollow hands hold out heavy-
drowned secrets from my left lung
make the nights last longer
make the air even against the thought of what you sing when I'm leaving

recount the loudest bouts from which I crumble
worship one thigh at a time, my god
why don't they come with a warning;
the morning put stones on my bowing
another good reason to kiss you
another's lost lover, ocean story
red-wave cravings
I'll pay in great shades of grey & plunder
shave my legs and go
right back under

I drew a ring around your nose
picked a couple roses
a pocket full of pros
Afraid to know how far you'll throw this
now my mouth is full of
ashes
ashes
we'll all watch me fall down
dizzy is as dizzy does
I watched you watch me hit the ground
I stumbled, tumbling on my feet
I stood up in a whirl
your ring we're calling Rosie
is one complicated girl

it's enough feeling
forgotten, (you'd think)
seeing her brush go
everywhere but the paper;
wondering if I missed something /
love makes me a believer in naive
less sleep, questioning everything.
questioning wander it's
no wonder I don't dream it's
games atop bodies
it's no wonder I drink;
I've been screaming for you
every day of the week
choking on salt from the waves
in your sea of bad timing

that afternoon mouth
summer fruit and
what else can I pull through these lungs
a cheek-full of
five full breaths, impossible to clear
another Saturday smiling
I get it
there's girls as
pretty as
you everywhere

most nights
I lie awake and degrade all the extra space in my bed
spaces you'd fill and warm
only exist in my head
I long for that smell
that pulls on my chest
bring it back to me
I'm begging you
so I can finally get some rest
like swallowing a bowl of tacks
push pinned into my ribs
ribs no longer ticklish
these ribs were once a kid's
now turned into a cage of bones
so old
hardened to stone
home to this weak beating heart
but it's the only one I'll own
So i'll try to do what's right tonight
and forget about your head
forget about your overbite
i'll forget about your legs
I try my best
to pretend I can
forget about your hands
i'll push out all of your silly sounds
i'll forget we took a chance
but suddenly I realize
and
I'm just forcing myself to forget you
when all I really, really want
is you back inside my bedroom

relief
I've searched this earth for
found in my palm
poured from
but not yours
under my own tree
the grass was green
the grass is green here too ma
but these leaves
fall fall like flings
and they don't love me
what do I need
no more
what do I mean
I mean I'm tasting this backwards
my mouth is full
cruel, muffled scream
& me
what a preferred way to breathe

My* Monday blues they
start with you.
I am amused I'm not
moved, I
may be reused it is
the day before
Tuesday
I choose blue before
muse I must
stay in my own shoes
I clutch fists it is
no use I trust
come ups from cruel while we
lust what is proof-less
is seemingly useless
I
rust like the useless
like metal, like bruises
so quit acting clueless
I've dropped more than clues and
now I must move for
I cannot keep chewing all of your
lies up for you

My pride is compiled into miles of sighing
I've tried to unwind
but it has tightened it's binding
I'll stop crying;
& try finding
Where my mind might be hiding
Behind the despise
or beside my  u n w i s e  compromising
I'm not blind but sometimes
I'd like to be
I use to enliven the linings
now i'm ripping up seams
The feel of uneasy
even greets me in my sleep
cause i'm the one I have to sleep with
& I don't sleep with obsoletes
"Everyone makes mistakes" they say
but that doesn't change a thing
cause when I look into the mirror
I hate the girl I see
Pride is surprising, only the good deserve to have it
the evil can't have pride
cause we confuse it with bad habits

the representative of insensitive 
needs what kind of incentive?

to be bigger than this 
without risking intention?

i’m wishing she’d listen

how I wish she would l i s t e n 

to the thoughts that i drop 
on her deaf comprehension 

she swallows discretion 

she f o r g e t s to mention 

about her horns that grow thorns 

that envelope her dimensions

I chase
I chase
everyone pales in comparison
I'm stale
I listen
I hear only you
you feed me substance
it keeps me thin
keep me healthy
as i listen
i witness
I'm sinless
and you
you're skinless until I've touched you
i'm ribless until devoured
we're nothing
until together
and maybe
we're that maybe
that ends up making
some sort of
sense

My mind is playing head games
I'm trying to calculate the waves
and in all the ways your name slays
like a delayed phrase
a constant dazed phase
you're in my veins
strapped tightly to my rib-cage
you're trying to read me like a book
but you haven't flipped my title page
you engage the rage that I hate
and that hits me like a freight train
chest bones now exposed
and my brain cannot communicate
I could try to turn you off
and in my reign you'd still illuminate

I need to unwind this tight binding on my mindset
I want to rewind time and refine all of my blind frets
without regretting anything
it's an undefined stretch
& Life isn't t i m e l e s s
time just passes
and that's
all
that
we
get

I've mapped this house out for months now;
praying you'll kiss me against every joist holding                (in & exhale)
I'll breathe out
all the lives I have lived without this
my chest will beat the tale of you over and over to my ribs & my legs will never stand again without aching

Spending my time like pennies, *waiting

This heavy mind of mine frightens me
If I become blind to this fright
before night falls maybe I'll get some sleep
I tried to find you in my dreams
But my sheets got the best of me
If I'm not fighting to find answers then how can i rescue me?

I'll stop shaking
So maybe our lines can meet
so when your teeth meet my meat my tongue will stop you from breathing deep
and my mind will remind you of all the times I was so deep
I could carve my name in your frame with my nails on your heartbeat

I'll start breathing again
& release this exhale
From the hell that it came from
Like swallowing nails
I inhaled every smell
And like fire it stunk
I was a tree
You were mean
How you burned down my trunk
But it's done
It's all done
I'm not worried about you
& the noise that you made
drilling holes in your truth
I'm not stressed out or cold
I'm not bitter or sad
What we had was an accident
Now it's gone & I'm glad
I can stand up with excellence
I got you off of my back
Like I lost 1000 pounds
That I never want back

all she did was
reach for a glass
and
my eyes became like pens
drawing my love
with every stretch of
her legs
building up until i
felt like the snap between
the stem and the apple
twisted a little and
so completely consumed

I'm crawling
I'm crawling
I'm calling you, woman
my holy intrusion
I'm confused but still moving
I've been known to breathe like lakes do
been known to freeze
did you think I was blind
do you think I can't see ?
clearly
we all have our beasts
but mine is scaled and rather frail
and yours was born with teeth
so roar for me
and I'll feed you my body
you cannot hunt for my blood
after you've chosen to swallow me;

see i'm no old woman
and you are no wolf
with your fairy-tale face
your storybook looks
and oh what big eyes you have
no better way to haunt me
than the pain stains on my hands
from me and all my wanting

I see your face
& all the mistakes I made
While we dated
& I hate that ****
I'd like to replace it
With a milkshake & some cake
And say
"Hey. We're okay - that ****'s lame, the cakes great, let me help take the pain away."
& you'd say "okay"
I want to do it right this time
I know criminals tend to commit the same crimes
But you aren't blind
& neither am I
I'm not even here to win this time
And in time
I really hope you feel that

it didn't matter
cause you were mine
&
it was night time

Me a fish
& you my sea
Your waves washed me
Onto the beach
The birds they came
& pecked my chest
My gills got filled
With earthly breath
I gasped and flipped
I flopped & squirmed
My fins went limp
My scales, all torn
(We go as fast as we are born)

I looked up high
Beyond the wind
& prayed to have  
Just one last swim
The sun went dim
The wind did blunder
Your waves create
and swept me under
I gasped again
But in reverse
Submersed and cursing every bird
My fins are ripped
I cannot swim
I float along your currents whims
I asked you why
You pushed me out
To watch me bleed
struck with a knout
You calmed and said
Simply to me
You are my fish
And me, your sea

stand up for your truth's
darling
I want to love you through them

my love of you's been
reduced to knots

& not the kind that keep

or thoughts
love reduced to blinking
through tears that chase my sleep

I'm falling under reason

that I know so I should stop

but my heart won't stop it's beating
it's like my blood's refused to clot

impossible to forget
you knew I loved you all along

it was a bit of truth I needed
you couldn't give to me at all

I am stuck on this surface
with man eating serpents
that tear down your layers
and turn you into servants
with sharp daring teeth
and disease ridden purpose  
they'll eat you for breakfast
and save your hands for dessert
it's a plan for the worst
if you think that you deserve it
if you think you're worth more
than speak profound for the wordless
don't look down when you're nervous
these words will burn through your dermis
fight for what it's worth
our souls patrol for what's important
it's your soul that has a purpose
it's your right and you deserve it
speak for what you love
for love confirms the earth's performance

I see the divide now
how I'm set on fire
by the
ice
in your
eyes
and how they both destroy my
s k i n
& yet
they heal completely
different
and

that maybe
if
you ever wanted that
fever again
you'd call me

I will finish all of your favors
& you will forget me
stand here foolish, face the moon
& lying under
one-thousand truths

I to me, Julie -
"you'll forget what you're doing.
we can wait through being patient
but we can't hide from being ruined"

losing faith, you're losing room
you knew before what not-to-do
all of my doing's, fall confusing
proves the fruit of all I'm losing

is to sacrifice my bloom
inside the garden of my tombing

they call me: gypsy, runner, thief
be you my gold, my feet, my greed

meet me on streets
we have not seen
unwarrant wants, deep breaths, relief

I will not front;
give you my teeth

we're breaking rules, my dear
we're weak

I am not yours

o b v i o u s l y

claim me
this own
without defeat

I'm chasing dreams
but i don't sleep

my pillow smells like you
like need

so lost behind
what I can't seek

f i n d i n g that time holds no belief

that I was freed
c u r i o u s l y

I watched you leave my street
quickly

that I should wait
so p a t i e n t l y

to bring your body back to me

I will not beg
I wouldn't plead

but I would have you still believe
you'd still have me if you should leave

should you come back I would agree

for you i'd gather everything
not rings, but things that you might need

I'd love you deeper than the sea

in love with you , i am
*a l r e a d y

love isn't every when you're tired
but I dance I dance with love every hour
foot step on footstep, right now
you're on the couch
you're on my mind you're always
doesn't mean I'm being still
am I and am I ask me if I'm ever still
and I'd still tell you sometimes
I'd still say
sand and
please
I'd say I
love you too and
everything

she obviously doesn't need anyone to tell her goodnight
and
o h  m a n !!
**** good morning
**** if it doesn't feel like mourning
when i wake up ridiculous
when i fall asleep stupid
we both speak English.
**right?

running marathons of

chasing something

something like the

breath you laid on my shirt

what cancer to this body
by how you treat my cells
is irrational

& why all of this sitting ?

I would run to you

but

I know what's twisting your doorknob

and it's already sent me away

3pm *****
a ballerina learning to slow-dance in jeans
is the stolid way you call me pretty

I've known better, never to settle
as I order another, please
I can forgive me
But we've just been kissing
& pity breeds missing you, weak

I'm never bored, never sorry
watch you pull me from the ground
much like those Macbeth witches
I could have guessed
you aren't around

but you talk like you're so sorry
only to wipe it off of your belt
Steel-toe folktale, go home
& tell it to somebody else

Breaking bonds
Like haunted hearts
Inside lost jars
From sunken ships
Lost at sea
I'm lost you see
& I can't tell you that
Cause it's not up to me
[Anymore]

I quit being okay with this
I quit feeling like I can't breathe
and hiding everything that's real to me
it's my choice right?
to throw in the towel
and just forget it
to just be me
I just want to be with me
no one sees that
cause everyone just wants
what feels good to them
and I don't want to feel good to anyone
anymore
I don't feel good anymore
I just want to be a friend
to a friend
who knows how to be a friend to me
because my heart is heavy
how could you know
when you've never held it
it's heavier than ever
and my chest wasn't built for it
and how could you know
if I don't speak of it
I never speak
and I want everything
but i can't get a thing
silently
acting like this
soon no one will want it
and who am i kidding
i'm left kissing the inside of this door
i keep *slamming

I only felt that way waking up with her
& I've shared my bed plenty
it's nothing I can pin point either
[at this point]
it's like,
a knife is a knife
I guess she's just that type of woman
so stunning, her stubborn beauty
demanding love
& me, one of the ones drowning for it

Something told me to hold still when I met you, that it would only sting a little / like maybe the sea wasn't wet or something

daffodil midnights, upside down on the bottle, listening to my lips spill dread over your pretty hands, how my knees remind me that I can't reach them

I'm over feet
over toes / oh no here I go
overload I'm -
in-over my head I'm,
against my own limbs, sometimes

but it was only the wall
it's just a couch
a few shots, your jeans, my kingdom
2 airplanes, a couple of hours
my head in your hands
my heart on the floor
broken secrets, happy birthday
happy birthday
I love you, I loved you
I can't stop playing that goodbye

I spoke to you today
and i don't feel okay about it
cause i talk to you this way
& my brain freezes the thought of shouting
you don't deserve the pain
it's enough for me to plow through doubting
I fight the right to go insane
& my heart can't take the way we're sounding

I feel unleashed
like an animal
ready to sink my teeth
instinctively tearing your meat
& my eyes
focused only on the prize
exposed  b o n e s
and my nose runs with your blood
drowning my decency
cause
s e c r e t l y
the  frequency of your scream
clearly releases me
this sequence of release
greedily pleases me
i'm licking you clean
thinking how
eating never came so easily

I just want
coffee
and a quiet
place to sit
this ain't a song about
love
it is a list about
lips
I'm not here to sip or kiss from
just sat down to listen
the art of un-touching becomes;
that self-worth preserves wisdom

there's a windowpane's screen
covered with tiny flocks of moths
without concern of any sort
I watched you knock them all off

you watched me
untuck all my pockets
ready, you let me
*give this all up

I tried to trace our shadows
left and right from the wrists
but l'm pacing
back and forth I'm
waiting
waving you in.
rearranging my mornings
adjusting my sighs on you
so they sit right on my feet
so I can say love and take it
we
belittle forgiveness
you made the sea find its way through
my throat
you took sentence after sentence from my hair
& burned a beautiful mouth
turn my hands to rust
my body to weeds
and anyway
fate is for the birds
it's seems
when the bats start biting

i drank all
this
whiskey
to
forget about you;

there isn't a
sip
that does not
burn or
give me goosebumps

just like you

& now i'm so,
completely
*******

I've quit calling it falling
all of the
gulping that I fend

Now that I've bent all my limbs backwards
I'm having to break them all back in

buried in what I play the fool for
always the liar and then friends

dreading that I should fall asleep
knowing that this must somehow
end

always i'm
packing up my reason,
freely & giving up my time
I'm tired of
dragging this body behind me
fearing the
damage it's done on my spine

Falling i’m falling

it all happened so fast

we fall out and fall in 

until the ins and outs are our past

does it last

will i crash 

do i plummet and plunder 

can i grasp what i lack 

w i t h o u t going straight under 

I wonder

and stumble 

then tumble 
and trip

i need to stand up

without losing my grip

but i slip 
when i stand 

and break what i’m holding

now my grip doesn’t fit 

and i’m left holding nothing

I want to learn to speak to you
in a tongue that sets you free
Without sounding like a freak
when I explain how my brain
leaks the need
to fit like your sheets do
I'll find the beat
a beat that sings for you
and greet you like a breeze
in the afternoon
too soon
it's too soon
to think like I do
but I can't help the swell down
from feeding my truth
& when I breathe, I freeze
like my lungs need it too
you remind me of beaches back home
in the middle of June
how the sand fits my feet
is how I dream of fitting you
cause your hair is like a sunrise
and your eyes are like the moon
and your voice crashes waves
that hit my shore like a monsoon
and i'm sure that it's too soon
in fact I know that I am doomed
but the way you say my name
feels like a thing i'd never ruin