while I chase the sunshine
& clouds framing the
shape of your mouth like
who am I to think she can fly or
get that high
but it's Sunday.
I am
asking the air a favor
that your thinnest shirt might
remind you of me
that the next time you run
the sun could burn you some
that we might get a drink and
blink a thousand times in a bar
is nonsense
is
weekend news
like a shovel to help make your pretty bed
call me your
friend and
tell her yes
wake up again and against it
ask me
if I am
in love

Like the clouds
I’m just floating

I change shape without 
knowing

just floating

i’m doting

misquoting myself

i’m smoking 
and blowing 

d e c o d i n g 
m y s e l f 

but probably just smoking

and joking myself 

i’m really just s m o k i n g 
and
choking myself

learning that love is
no more than in moments
I couldn't trade ours
so I frame them in poems

& I've turned down the Joni
turned down the heat
you left on my tongue
you poured
to my feet

I'm starting to see
I have
been-seeing-strings
& I hate that I hate now
believing in things

but I love to remember
& I'm starting to think
that all through these nights
& with every drink
that I still sink for you
& get weak just breathing

her fists fit perfect in the slow
rooms of this body
& I'd get so high standing on her knees getting saved by each
fleeting leave in her breathing

let's cross straight & never say it
undress my restless legs
& leave them guessing how far
they'll fall again for you

thighs don't have minds but
mine can't forget
your resting neck, please
spare me the muscle memory;
are we street lights or are we better ?
my feet remember how it felt
running to you
my legs, beg for less bruising
but I think that you're worth it

I won't give up the way I gave in &
I hope you see the difference;
I hope that when the taste fades
you remember what it was made of

Keep it to yourself
I yelled
from the top of that hill
slow down heart
be quiet;
be still
you beat & you jump
please refuel these old lungs
maybe not with that taste
I've become too fond of
like liquor
like ***
a name burns up my tongue
now I run
& I run
to the front of my dungeon
I tried burning you out
but my thoughts of you flooded
I'm up to my chin
drowning slowly
I see it
It just isn't that easy
to ignore what I'm feeling, seeing
I could not breathe when I saw it
& then it knocked me off my feet
like there were bombs
in my carpet

it's a front-flip
got away

align out thinking we felt like this
envying teeth
the way your bottom lip curls
I curve at your corners
climb inside
someone give me shoulders to walk with
legs to speak
I'm tasting you from behind my eyelids
cause my mouth knows better

you're about as
quiet as lightning
& just as much ;
you put the light in it
I'm counting down from two-thousand,
slowly
quitting breakfast and everything early
that bird can keep it like:
what am I supposed to do if I can't have you
what kind of a sudden is it breathing cause I have to \
****** the gasps I caught you stealing-
Saturday mourning on Wednesday's feelings
saying
I like Monday cause, Friday's fleeting

I own the rest of my hair, you know
you own my body
I'm as open as the screen-door you broke
& you did handstands for someone else already
otherwise I'd listen, cause
I can't find the lyrics in splitting
can't find the best in bleeding
that love was airplane-waiting
that love was
silent begging, restless leg\
restless blinking
rip the
day out my weeks baby
till all I keep lie sleeping

I could fly kites
In the wind
You ******* away with
I could surf the waves
In the bay
You drift me away in
& I could stand still
In the thrill
You fill up so quickly
Or hold tight
To the chest
That takes my breath away
Swiftly

let me slip
into your skin
like sleep
like sheets
and fall asleep
between
the s p a c e s where
you breathe
& you dream
like this my arms feel long
my legs, a thousand miles
to wrap myself
around the shelf
of ribs that hold your while's
somebody, anybody
tell me how to
stop
wanting what I cannot have
instead of what I've got
this have, it feels like nothing
it all pales to what you pour
and everyday
I stay awake
wanting you
more
& more
& more

in doing, I am done
I've been slow burned by thighs
I've been followed by thumbs
you
erase me from my path
I knew something
I knew something
I just didn't know you
sudden existence
sudden power
I am not a slingshot's rock
I am her aim

all the land is grey
day after day
night after coming

you
who is you
what is this
you: like brandy
like honey
you burn going down my throat
and I need it
up and down and inside, behind
I counted your knuckles with my head pressed breathless into that pillow
you make math feel good
you made deep seek deeper

lets be dogs and you can lock yourself inside  of me next time. you can decide again when to leave.

are we leaves ?
always leaving
you the beast
and me a tree
climbed in & you fed from me
the last tooth to sink that way
& I will have to die toothless now without it

you you
again & again
like seasons
like summer
you came after I've sprung
now, what's done is did and what's left must be wrung out to quench thirst; let us not be wasteful.

instilled & in bloom
I watched you turn every rose the right color
you walk past the cherry tree and she fills your pockets
red
red
we are stained now

tell me how to have you and I'll have it

& your name
my favorite taste
reminds me of Florida in May
simplicity on heat
& always wet

in a sense -
"        I tried;        "
still, I couldn't receive
I'd penned :
      bereaved and
believed
                 to mean
       the same
                 thing.

I searched for nothing
& On the ground is where I found it
I was astounded at how loud
all of it sounded
Nothingness
Like a crowd with no boundaries
I found out the hard way
Like I got hit in the knees
With a hammer
******* her
& All of these seasons
I'd have better reasons
If I had two hands to believe in
I'm tangled in strands
Strangled and clamped by her breathing
I'm damaged by dampness
thigh handling freedom
I breathe in again
Just until I breathe out
Still filled up with nothing
It's pouring
out
of
my
mouth

I curled up
fervently
on this California morning
in the gaps that built your back
you told me i'd been snoring

I wondered what you'd thought about
arrested in your sleep
you took my arm around your *******
& you said you'd dreamt of me

you're all I see
you're all I see
she thoughtfully repeats

I see you in my sleep my love
I see you where I breathe
& under trees, between my knees
I hear you when I speak
& from April until March
you're the leaves beneath my feet

silently
so silently
I squirmed in this defeat
I have this fear of always leaving
a deer who runs from anything
I can't be all you see I said
& open up your eyes
I don't trust periphery
and the heart it often lies

she held on even tighter
& choking on her fill

then I will love you while you let me
like this
for this
I will
I will

I'm not a child
woman I'm
this wanting thing between
two arms
shaped like a body
I've been alive with the breeze for
centuries, darling

my love wasn't being made to make you feel foolish
you can't learn from that
wash your hands now, it's midnight
I'm
out the window
I wonder
what you wanted
and hold the whiskey in my mouth
singing be mine
for the company
cause I don't want to be ashamed to love you

& I'm tired.
Tired of sleeping after sweet dreams /
I'm sitting up now because you know I can't sleep  
who wants to sleep after a beg like that
I'm not built to be listless
I'm built for better, I'm strong
& you're
the 4pm sun in October
you're the reason I whistle in a hundred colors
It's a beautiful torture to miss a hand so much
to wear rings for the memory of fingers and to crave a cheek, not only for it's mouth but because feeling you allows me to breathe easy

gorgeous doesn't
do you
justice
when I just wished for the chorus
singing our lousy song, I
stayed up late with it
I
counted the sheep
they fell asleep
I'm
clutching the sheets
stop thinking there's a
Dreamgirl
quit pouring that red-cheek idea
down your throat
a few more
fast
the song should end soon
sore knee love
should end soon
professional pretender
bending blinks
more drinks, bartender
loving you gets
expensive
I'm paying with my
well-being
I'm being lied to by sunlight
cause I can't trust anything
after it leaves

how I'm all but
suffocated
by the story of her
wake
& somehow she is always
busy;
I've crawled so far
out of my way

I cannot stand to
sit and listen
to my heartbeat falling faint
its own pulsation makes me dizzy
& veins paint painfully her face


so I can call it quitting
now that everything's turned grey
& all my cannot haves are useless
just like, loving you this *way

I fell for you
like i'd been dropped
& what a mess i've made
of myself

I should have to
apologize to my lungs
for ever needing
my heart to breathe;

I've been deceived
by my own beating

please don't
cling
to another chest
i'm begging
cause i'm still dangling from yours
and love
don't devour her soul
mine is still everything with yours
funny how pathetic rhymes so well
with regret
it's almost poetic
how you
gave me up to this
necessity
you say it so
apathetically
like i'm just suppose to be okay
living without you

I didn't -
fall out of love
I tumbled, backward;
overly-tired
chocking on Z's
and poetry:
my, indecent way of
overexposing my
love for you
and
no one likes to be embarrassed
but
I'd rather be that than
without you
so I tortured myself
I strangle my own neck
over and over again
with palms that
want nothing to do with me;
I'd rather
fall asleep
under water
than
breathe this way
*anymore

I've climbed out of my own cage this time
My own ribs & blood
& all the salt
Comparable to the ocean
I've rinsed my cheeks incessantly
Cry? I don't cry
I weep
& never because I missed you
Your bones are metal to me
& I don't weld
I start to pick up
& you sprinkle your ashes in my mouth
your ashes weigh more than sand
& I can't stand anything that stops my breathing
& she's still on your hands, your eyelashes
So keep me out of your head
I don't live in your mouth anymore
I moved out
I tripped on your tongue, stranger
& learned to walk a bit slower
I'm learning to be more like grass
Strong enough to be stomped
& silent
I'll grow everywhere it rains
& Come January
I'll burn like hair

This stream of consciousness
Is nonsense
Like following monsters
When monsters
Do. Not. Win.
Only a flounder could swim
To the depths of my sin
If only I found her
Before I got swept in this whim
& that's when I heard her say "maybe"
Again
Let me swerve in reverse
& then change what I did
Now my whole soul is cursed
& this cannot be fixed
This is the last time we kiss
& I'm sure that I'll miss you
I wish this clash would have lasted
But now I'm forced to forget you

Just this once
Let's forget about love
& open up
No more
Keeping your eyes shut
I want to see what I'm missing
And closing my eyes when we kissed
Made me miss the blissfulness
Of being that close to your skin
I want to begin again  
I know that I can
But you leave me like this
with my heart in your fist
all my love in your hands
a foolish man
Is where I stand now
& even I can't stand me
Woman you know who I am
****, can't you remember?
Our dances of strands & hair bands
& how our kiss felt like November
you said you want the best for me
& I want what's best for you
but you're the best thing that there is
Guess I'm the best at always losing

I'm wondering if
I loosen my fist
if the weight of my
persistence
could end with a kiss
it's a gift that I wish for
on a list that i've written
a name that i've scribbled
and penned down and sipped on
for the millionth minute
for the millionth time
& every time that you smile
i trip ten steps behind
but I run to catch up
& I pick up my jaw
I'm in awe of you darling
no, and that isn't all
I want all of you darling
but I don't want to fall
so I drop to my knees
and I crawl
and I crawl
and I crawl

she chewed through my ribs
& attached me to wings

subsistent, pretending
I don't need a thing

she pushed through my body
propelling a shriek

her hand fits me close
& her sleep fit my sheets

but I'm done with she's perfect
I'm shrinking in blinks
& I'm sick of this
balancing stilts built on dreams

& I've stopped all this tripping
my shoes are on tight
but I'll  
fall asleep
hoping
you slept good tonight

The colors of late September
talking and falling again
announcing each other like
gulls for bread
remind me that I've listened

yet every day is black and black
the mask's unsettling sweat builds and
underneaths a frowning girl
settling into it

yes darling, I see the blue
I see the coins stored under my lips
haven't paid off and
you've painted nothing to hide the holes
i'd ask for your hand in this and squint
but you, you must not have heard it

and here i've been
as cooperative as ants /
as sad as fate
with hands as red as the ibis
falling tired and certainly
tired of falling

when she said my name -
I was forced to learn the difference
b e t w e e n pain & **ache

I won't have you
always busy
not even evening calls
I remember the name of your sister
I've got no pride to exclaim us
I assume you to care less
you're heavier than tomorrow
I submit the same paper
professing how my skin went with you
you move away from me with a sword behind you
what are you so afraid of
believing
you're good
how can you bare to admit it?

aren't you
sorry for leaving ?
I've dissolved like salt
because I've become it
I'm fluent now, in being silent

Paced myself over and over
breaths because I have to
naming them after you,
because I forgot what need was

flatline me another time, love
tonight so I can sleep &

these are weekends;
those are mouths meeting.
I'm going to quit calling it love
& call for a favor cause

the wave is wild like the whale
just ask her;
I'm riding all of them on
shoreline shoulders
a continent of rhetorical knuckles
buttoned toward my throat

no mercy in floating through the roof
it was never a boat that saved us
only bones
my moral roots
doing whatever you say

this time tonight
i fumble
tumbling over my foolishness
and crowding all of these spaces
with the idea of
you
you and me
and now it's just

you

me

separately
is it actually better this way ?
(babe)
you were my present
what I fought to search for
you stood
in my face
in my shower
you were here
entirely
waiting for me to see it
and as soon as i did
you left me

i have been led to believe , in my experience with being in-love,
that love is based on the knowledge gained and profound simplicity of feeling entirely connected and enamored with another person; that this feeling takes time after a period of time in which the party in question would eat together, go on hikes, dancing, movies, borrow a shirt, go to church, beach etc. whatever / estimating anywhere from one week to 5 months ... & sometimes even longer than that. (I KNOW) - those of you who believe in love at first sight ... well you're another breed... anyway... love at first sight ... like i was saying ...
I went to the store tonight.
I bought toilet paper and beer.
I stood in a very long line.
I watched a woman put back a box of ice-cream and felt proud of her; even though she didn't look happy for doing it -
she just didn't want to stand in that line and would probably get ice cream elsewhere!
On my walk back from that grocery store (about half a block from the store)
I looked up from lifting the beer
because it wasn't comfortable to hold it how i was holding it ....  
and I saw
someone walking to their car
This girl
The girl
this girl
and she smiled at me
she wore a beanie
and she was thin
and her hair was brown i think
I only saw her for 5 or 6 seconds
which at the time felt like a long time
but my short term memory isn't great sometimes
and her face is starting to fade  now
but i still see it
i see her neck
and I see her smile
it embarrassed me a little
it's funny when you grin at someone
I grin at people on the street all the time
it's quick
it's fixed
but a smile ... it has levels
this one
went from a friendly grin
to a shy
growing smile
with eyes
and shoulders
and heart
and stomach
and I didn't know about that difference
(until tonight)
but it filled me up
and i felt drunk on it
and i felt everything
and i felt all of it
in 5 seconds
and it's bugging me now
because i can't shake it
and i don't know why
i've never felt like this
not
one
bit
and i went home
and i told my best friend
and she told me to write about it
so here I am
and it's been a few hours now
and my friend is alseep
and I think she's asleep
and I should be asleep
and I think i'm over it now
or just over thinking
and over thinking
but i'm still thinking about it
and i haven't really climbed
so i'm not over anything
so i'll keep smiling instead
because it made me smile
and that felt good
and i just want to sit with that
and she gave me that
and that's all it has to be
so I believe in love at first sight
it's the best

twenty something

It's funny how years and years go by
in a place
where pain once burrowed
so intently
at that time
when it had nothing else to do
but torture my limbs
and make heavy my knees
i remember hating my feet
for weeks I didn't speak
defeat
that swelled my eyes
I was a baby
and you were mine
and I chased you
like a dog
I was always a dog
I followed you to the end of your smile
and kissed it so many times
more than I'd ever kissed anyone
still to this day
I praise you
much differently than then
of course
we are both women now
we still share the same friends
but you're never around when I'm with them
I get this, it's different
and I don't even mean to think about it
I just remember growing
and you were always around
and I always chased you
I think I still chase you
and I know i'm still growing
I've just always needed to say thank you for that

I can't be bothered anymore
I cannot stand in the sand
and think sinking is all that
I've planned for
No more doors or floors
or man made rules
to call you tools is unruly
cause tools do more than
your mind and body
could ever be good for
i'd rather fear storms more
and ignore these ****** wars
that all of you stand for
I'd rather climb trees
and believe that grass
and bees do more
for me
than any human being
ever did with their
forearms
I am not ungrateful
but I feel more truth
in a pile of dirt
and less hurt by hornets
than humans
stores
or awkward moments
have a bear take my life
rather than disease
you take so much of everyone's life
when you cut down these trees
please believe me
i'm speaking for the leaves
and if you have lungs too
you should see what I mean

Where is my window ?
I need the
wind to blow &
take me with it

flip me over like a
Beetle

where to end or
when to begin

I’m begging in poetry
to let me in on it

another
heedless nightcap
Send me to my dreams soon

Or
give me to the girl at the bookstore
Like a scented letter

but, send me to my dreams soon
I can’t have anything
else tonight

I look back on conversations
Full of excitement
I look back at these moments
That ruled and enlightened
This looking back makes me sad
& It's all that I have now
I'm frightened and mad
That this sad has my throat
Pressed down to the mat
Laid flat on the ground
& forced to look forward
I'm twisting my neck  
Cause I haven't learned how
To let go of you yet

Body stomping
like crushed bones beneath lead feet
my cheek meets the ground
my teeth start to bleed
hi it's nice to meet you
says the concrete to my jaw
I said I didn't know you cared so much
it's not often that I fall

a staunch shack-job
a fine devotee to this longing
my appetite

the throb that pulls
pushes through
& out

foolishly do i un doubt
& instead drowned
toe to toe
eyelids bat in front of me
dance
dance
my hands, ready for anything

I sit quiet
trying to describe
the thoughts on my mindset
but i'm silent
and my thoughts aren't quite sounding right yet
and my silence is being charged as a knife
like a forged threat
now i'm forced to regret
everything i just said
and i'm stuck on the fence
does this make me defenseless ?
am i lost if i don't know where e x a c t l y this fence is?
it's senseless to me to defend all of my mentions
I'm just trying to find truth
behind these false pretenses

See I knew all along
That you would never call

I don't know if that was the right thing to say
of if I even know what that is anymore

sand-burnt chins
kissing sideways

i'm not suppose to

try not to die kindly
and I know it

my tongue's out

table of cups
gulp forward
nine of cups
destroyed

counting sips
backwards
becoming unwanted dessert
feeding off
learning you're no good for me

breakfast of champions
eggs saved for
someone different

not mine but
i spend batteries
clocking

wishing i'd inked the key
and you
meant more to me than knuckles
wish you
knew that
wish you knew what our love
*is

I forfeit for this;
mobility  
my mind
served up to
its drunkness off you
bodies full on my lack of finding

sound your disregard &
relieve your knife of
what it had done to me as

I gaze at your sleep in the direction of mine & drowned in fog until I lose
until I turn blue with love
it is there I see her heart
I want to swallow your key
I
blame the weight of the hand
& I frame the finger
I blame the math and pattern

under your mattress I left my gist
thumbs and throat

you just keep switching the sheets

I bring the ocean to hold my thighs down
for every time
that every time
I say it
it is me speaking and not the situation
I forfeit for weather reports and hurt feelings
resuscitate by mouthing off
to suffocate this feeling

count on me for something
let my hands be what you need
a jar of stars I pulled for you
revealing colours never seen  
I fought the sky
a thousand times
I argued with the Moon :
"the dark surrounds us all my love,
it does not  belong to you"

these stars, they are not promises
this light it was not free

I stole from constellations
I caused Venus to scream  

I've been talking in my sleep at night
& I've fallen in the shower
I've cursed through drunken verses
& tore through fields of broken flowers

so put those stars where they belong
& please have mercy on these hours
the math it takes to have you back
has me counting crooked;
*backwards

it is when I sit with
beautiful things
I am reminded that
nothing ever keeps;
the words might smear or
the air should dampen
and if
you should not believe me
ask the flower what it is like for her
at nighttime and then
ask her to repeat it
explain to her
what it is like to be
lived in