I never trusted gravity enough.
Not enough to fall
In love.
Truth is,
I never trusted.
Anyone.

But that's not entirely true.
See, for awhile I trusted.
Even love I trusted.
For awhile I invested in others.
For awhile I let people let me down easily.
"I'm not ready for a relationship right now"
"I think we'll be better off as friends"
"You aren't ready to be a good boyfriend."
"I'm looking for someone different. Like your friend"
I still can recall them ad nauseum.
Line after line of why I wasn't their
Right guy.
Right shape.
Right plan for their perfect wedding 10 years in the future.
And so I lost trust.
I lost trust in them.
I lost trust in love.
I lost trust in me.

So I ignored gravity too,
The gravity that could bring me closer.
To someone
To anyone
To love.
The gravity that could sink me to solid ground
And allow me to walk toward a future
In love.
I ignored it.
And floated.
Drifted really.
Inside myself.

Inside myself
Where I stocked up on bulk buy cans of
Self-loathing
And self-pity
Unloading them in my bunker to stack them neatly next to my canned jars of
Selfishness and anger
Behind bags of jealousy and loneliness.
And with the cupboard full I packed it in.
Gave up.

A person learns not to trust.
And it's a hard lesson to learn.
It takes time.
It takes years.
It takes enough rejection to make a person.
Whose heart is open.
Whose heart is pure.
Whose heart is true.
To harden.
To protect itself.
From being repeatedly kicked down life's stairs,
As gravity aids the fall.

The crash leaves few survivors,
Sheet covered corpses
Littering the highway's shoulder,
They survived, but can they face tomorrow.

Tears waterfall down both faces.
Her hand entwined with his,
As the obstetrician lets them know the truth.
They won't ever reconcile this loss.

Her hair was lost in weeks, after her 19th birthday,
Her boyfriend weeks after that.
She would beat the diagnosis.
But would have to wait to heal from the other.

At the window he sits, a boy waiting
This makes it four hours now
Father told him he'd return tonight
As morning comes, the boy still sits, still waits

We all wait, our twisted wrecks of symmetry,
Untwisting, to get us back to normalcy.
We'll never be normal again.
But untwisting our scars, our dents, our pain,
We carry on.
We survive.

overwhelming.
brightness flooding over angled nose and curved jaw.
trickling over pores and hairs
to nest within a well that reject and tightly closes.
refusing. relenting. relinquishing.
eyes fluttering open.
lashes sweeping away relaxation
away dreams and wishes.
forcing thoughts to lingering lists of facts and figures.
as reality's pavement likeness persists.
responsibility, risk and resolution resolve.
until the head rests again.

Eyes are the windows to the soul
Is that why they are called blinds?
To blind the world of our messes
Our distresses as we distrust.
To hide from judgement, expectations
From speculating agencies
To close separating realities
What's yours stays yours and what's mine has been buried in the basement
No x will mark that treasure

Straight from the horses mouth
Doesn't it imply more than bit or bridal?
A brides tale of how it was meant to be
Her dreams of borrowed blue and new
Blue skies cloud minds and fog memories
Of what she once knew of who she once held
Who was always him forever
Where he went was inconsequential
Gone, so she pushes back the memories Burying them deep
No x will mark that treasure

The early bird gets the worm
But isn't still too late for the worm?
Too late for a change of plans
To change the exchanges we've shared
To shift how we will be remembered
With fluttering morning wings
Mourning the loss of loved ones
Tears shed falling lightly in the grass
Seeping into earth and resting on wooden surface six feet below
No x will mark that treasure