infatuation
an intense or short lived passion
or admiration for someone or something
an elaborate definition right?
at this point i know this word well
it can be synonymous with puppy love
or a flight crush
it's the way you describe someone*
when you are in denial
about how you truly feel

when i was a sophomore
my hopes for senior year
included a high school sweetheart

but here i am
two years later
lonely
unhappy
tired
not in love

nowhere close to achieving the dreams
and hopes
a younger naive me
had for this age

part of me didn't expect to live this long
another-- upset that i have
without a choice
i've made it this far

infatuated with this dream of love
impassioned with creativity
and a solid outlet
not stuck at home
crying about the same old burned feelings

and yes. maybe there is a crush.
maybe slight feelings for a person
who is out of reach
too far away
to be tugged
into these hopeless arms

when i was a sophomore
i was happy with who i was becoming
and now i'm a bit disappointed
at how i have let myself lose that happiness
and had it replaced with

infatuation.

Someone once said:
For love all love of other sights controls,
 And makes one little room an everywhere.
And it made me think
Dont we all wish for one person
To be our home?

Houses are four walls that protect you
But a home
Is a person who loves you
And cherishes you

They make everything better
Even when you are down
They brighten up your life
One day at a time

But when they leave
They take the sun
The moon
And the stars
With them

So how do you make someone stay?

Well you cant

You can just hope

That when they say “forever”

That they mean it

Someone once said:
When I tell you I love you,
I am not saying it out of habit,
I am reminding you that you are my life.

i sob into a gentle fabric
my voice quickly fading
with every gulp and gasp
and yet, my mind is
elsewhere

i think about the last time
i've been held in someones arms
the way their limbs entangled with mine
their hands in my hair
their breath against my neck

and im back to sobbing

i’m wishing for that warmth
in the loneliness of night
the press of another’s body
against mine, curled close
two hearts becoming one

and suddenly i’m sobbing again

the knot in my chest tightens
my gasps quiet down
my hands clench in the fabric
it’s weight deafening
my inconsolable noise

but then i think about them
and i realize i’m going to be okay
weighted blanket or not

and the crying stops

I never even fell in love with you
I never got the chance to feel more than just flighty feelings for you
Sometimes I wonder what we would’ve been like
A pair of friends, of something more
Would you have taken a chance on me if I were more?
Was I wrong to think that you might’ve felt something too?
Why do people think we would mesh well if you can’t see it either?
I never got the chance to try with you
I wish I didn't have to block out three months of whatever we were
Just to feel normal again
Why does it have to be awkward when we get paired together?
What can I do to fix it all?
I never even fell in love with you
But it feels like I did
This unrequited, unasked for, flighty finicky feelings of something
So yes, sometimes I think about what we could’ve been
I mean, you did hug me
I have the vague and foggy reminder of what it felt like
Your warmth enveloped my chill
And it all felt normal and right
Just for that very moment
It felt like home
It felt solid but…
I never even fell in love with you
I was in awe of who you had become
Yet it seems like you never changed at all
Had I created this new version of who you are just to please myself?
To justify what I thought about you?
I never even fell in love with you

i dont know why i still think about you
i shouldn't even care about you
but i do
and i hate it
i hate that i still think about you
and who you are to me
i hate how your voice makes me smile
how you make every song sound better
i hate how you knew just how to make me feel better
how we were supposed to stay friends
i hate how even though i say i hate you
i dont
i still care
and i still think about you
how you basically live in my head rent free
how good you look in a white button down and black slacks
how those glasses make you look so handsome
i could list a million things but they there aren't enough words
to describe how wonderful you are and can be
id say you are picture perfect
but thats just scratching the surface
you have grown and flourished
like a dandelion or a sunflower
i sometimes wonder if wed talk more if i hadn't given you that letter
if you would text me songs or just random things
but here we are
not friends or more
just strangers with moments shared between them

we're in that weird kind of limbo
not the party kind of limbo
that friendship to relationship bridge of limbo
and i don't even know
if you feel the same way
but i had to say
i can't wait anymore

i want someone to call me babe
in a way that they really mean it
i want someone to pull me into their arms
look me right in the eyes
and call me babe
like im their whole world
like i could really do no wrong
that they would always look at me as im in the stars
i want to be told that im the light of someones life
i want them to call me babe
lovingly, teasingly, sweetly
i want the sweet caresses
the gentle touches
the sneaky glances
i want someone to call me babe
i want them to really mean it
i dont want it just platonically
i want it romantically too
i want it gently
whispered to me over the phone
or in passing conversation
i want it to feel fulfilling
loving and sweet
i want someone to call me babe
and to really mean it
to know that someone wants me to be theirs
in that way
its different
i used to think it was corny
but now i crave it
yearn for it like a late night snack
or the warmth of moms hot chocolate
i think i want it so badly
because i know it would fit me just right

tomorrow's my birthday
the day i more or less have been waiting for
and yet
i don't seem to care anymore

why celebrate something
that comes every year

i guess it's monumental
i'll be of legal age

i can drink... in mexico
i can sign up for dating apps
i can vote

but

why celebrate something
that comes every year

i am working after all
and the day after that
my feet already ache
i can barely stay afloat
and apparently i'm being missed???

so
why celebrate something
that comes every year

i don’t need a lot for my birthday
i don’t need a text or a post online or even a phone call
i just want a hug and three little words
and i’ll be completely okay
i just want to hear that my life matters
that i matter
that i’m loved by someone who i care for wholeheartedly
i don’t need presents
or sappy long messages
i just want a hug and to hear someone say i love you
i don’t need anything more than that
because really i just want to know that one day
when this is all over
and we’ve gone our separate ways
that my life mattered to someone else
besides myself
and that one day
i will be missed
and that i made an impact
somehow on someone somewhere
so i just need a hug
maybe even a kiss (on the cheek)
and someone who says “i love you”
and that will make everything worth it

there’s a part of me that wants to delete every social media app i have and go off the grid
there’s a part of me that believes it’s for the best
i should cut every tie to those i care about
and save them from my own self
there’s a part of of me believes i must succumb to my despair and accept my fate
i’ve always been afraid of ending up alone but maybe if it’s on my own volition then it may not be so bad??
they all deserve better then what i can offer
so who am i to deny the fates
and gladly drift away?
so unlike oedipus i face my fate head on
yet, despite the facade i have put up
i’m not as strong
as i believe i may be for unlike oedipus
i have too much love in my heart
to just leave

you know the five stages of grief right?
i think that i went through them when i was questioning my identity 

denial. 
i couldn’t possibly be anything but a girl
right?
wrong. 
gender is a spectrum
gender can be fluid
gender can be whatever you want it to be
and that is because non-binary people do not owe you androgyny 
but that couldn’t possibly be me
how could i not be a girl?
i wear dresses. i like makeup. i can’t be anything else

anger.
how could god make me this way???
why am i questioning this vital part of myself?
this can’t be true. 
this isn’t who i am supposed to be. 
and if it was, why am i just now thinking about it?
i can’t deal with another change. 
my mom won’t like this. 
i can’t not be a girl. this doesn’t make sense. 

bargaining. 
please. i can handle anything else. 
just not this. i hate coming out to people. 
what if my friends don’t understand? let alone my parents. 
after all these years. this can’t be happening. please god why. 

depression. 
i can’t live like this. i don’t want to keep this a secret.
and yet, i cry at night, thinking about what mom would say. 
what everyone would say. how could i do this to everyone.
let alone myself. what is so wrong with being a girl…what if this is a lie
what if i am merely tricking myself into this, to give myself another special thing

acceptance. 
this is who i am. i am  non-binary and i am loved. 
by myself. by my friends. by my dad. 
the people who know are the people who really care.
this is who i am, and i am perfect just the way i am, no matter what anyone says.