Oh Darling, there are two sides to me.
There's the side that is strong, soft, courteous and loving,
And another side that I never want you to see.

It's not distinguished by internal and external.
It's not a split personality.
Inside, there are two voices,
Arguing, daily.

For description's sake, I'll name them both.
I'll call the side that you know, Bright.
And the side you don't, Dark.
You'll understand the name choice with a little more insight.

Inside me they're in constant battle.
They hijack my every thought.
They agree on most things, usually.
But, on this, they're caught.

Bright is the one to sit back,
And smile no matter how much she's in pain.
While Dark stands up and speaks out.
Most of what she does is all in vain.

Bright feels tears swell up, and a lump form in her throat.
Her hands begin to tremble, and she can feel her heart ache.
While Dark is gulping angrily, and is clenching her fists.
She is embarrassed of her weakness. She refuses to let her heart break.

Dark is considering her options.
She analyzes all she knows.
While Bright is putting on a brave face.
But her pain is so strong, it shows.

You wrap your arm around me,
And Dark starts to go off in a rant.
She says; “Bright, come on, you know better!”
Bright shakes her head and says; “I can't.”

Dark is so infuriated, she begins to tear herself apart.
She is reckless. She doesn't think. She just goes straight for her heart.

Bright tries to calm Dark with soothing words of care.
But it proves difficult to find any, when there aren't any there.

Dark lets out an evil laughter that bounces round inside.
Bright becomes so afraid she searches for a safe place to hide.

Your fingers drum gently on my rib cage,
And your image fills up my mind.
Bright steps out into the open,
With this incredible, golden find.

She says; “Dark he loves me. He's the one for me in life.”
Dark does not interrupt Bright, but instead just shakes her head.
“You're a foolish girl, Bright. Do you know that?”
From Bright, not another word is said.

“Bright, what has happened to you?
Can you not see him in that state?
How low have you let yourself fallen,
To allow yourself to love the thing you hate?”

No response comes from Bright now,
Dark can see she has become numb.
Nevertheless, she continues talking.
As your fingers continue to beat me like a drum.

The tensions swiftly rising as Dark continues on.
She tells Bright of all her stupid wishes, wants and dreams,
And how she has given up on all of them.
Dark is right, it seems.

The tears in Bright's eyes glisten,
And her heart is slowly beginning to drop.
She's become so numb inside now,
She can't even tell Dark to stop.

Just as I begin to say my own little piece,
Another voice cuts in with something better to say.
Dark shakes her head again and says;
“Come on, Bright, give me one good reason to stay?”

Bright just stands there looking helpless.
Tears begin to throb beneath her skin.
Dark feels no mercy.
To her, this is a win.

Dark takes full control of me.
As Bright has no choice but to step back.
Dark is stronger than Bright,
Fuelled by emotions Bright does lack.

The vision that was once distorted,
By the tears Bright brought to my eyes,
Is cleared up in an instant,
As Dark happily says her goodbyes.

Goodbye to your beautiful face,
And your wonderful mind and heart.
Goodbye to your open arms,
That have held me up since the start.

Goodbye to your great smile,
That special one, just for me.
Goodbye to all our memories,
And to the future we'll never see.

Bright takes her position beside Dark,
To join in with the farewell.
She decided she can no longer fight Dark.
But this is something she doesn't tell.

As I take a final look around me,
I think about the past year.
I think of all the things I could have done,
And all the places I could have been instead of here.

Regret dominates me.
Even Bright can feel it now.
Dark urges me to leave as quick as I can.
But I'm still trying to figure out how.

What excuse could I possibly make up?
And where on Earth am I going to go?
What are they all going to think of me?
My heart's beating so fast, I fear it may blow.

You look concerned as you ask me if I'm okay.
I smile and say; “Yeh, of course I am” in my best disguise.
Dark knows you're content with my answer.
But Bright hopes you can see the truth within my eyes.

You continue your jolly conversation,
With everyone else around us.
Bright can see who you truly are now,
And she doesn't make a fuss.

You whisper a soft 'I love you.'
And Bright stays silent as I say it too.
She dreams of an alternative world,
Where the words you've said are true.

Bright's heart shatters like a glass,
As I finally build up the courage to go.
But just as I'm beginning to take to my feet,
Inside, Dark is screaming; “No!”

The first day we met,
You told me your name.
I took the seat beside you,
And did the same.
You were really warm and welcoming,
I had met a new friend.
And I've considered you as one, always,
Right up, past the end.

Days will keep moving forward,
And years will fly past.
But I see now that I should be treating
Each one as my last.

I hope that when I reach your age,
I'll have grown to be someone like you.
Someone who is happy, friendly and respectable,
As you know, out there, there are few.

I regret learning only little about you,
Now that it's too late, and you're gone.
But what I do know, I'll keep forever,
And I promise to remember you, my dear John.

It will come to deeply hit us,
That you're no longer here,
When we take a look around us,
And see a single, empty chair.

We will all continue to gather.
But it will never be the same.
For me, we have lost all spirit,
To out weekly, Saturday game.

I'm really glad that I met you.
You were significant in my life.
Now, you are free to ascend into Heaven,
Where you can live happily again, with your wife.

I just want to say thank you for the welcome,
And thank you for every weekend.
Rest in Peace, for ever more now.
And farewell, my dear friend.
"27 August 2015"


Dedicated to John McGarrigle .. 2015

The dawn of my day is still not over,
Yet, the time has taught me many lessons.
Some of truths, others of lies,
Some of mistakes, others of blessings.

I must admit between the black and white,
I hope that sometime I may find the grey.
And I really hope I'll find it soon,
Within the next few hours of my day.

I don't believe in forgetting,
Yet, I love to remember.
And I absolutely hate being cold,
But my favourite month is December.

I always speak in utmost honesty,
Because I simply cannot lie.
And I'm a really happy person,
But, inside, I always feel the need to cry.

I haven't found out who I am yet,
Because I don't really want to know.
I want to be the one who keeps holding on,
Even long after others have let go.

I would love to know everybody,
And, in return, I would love to be known.
I want to learn how to play guitar,
But I don't want to be shown.

I would like to speak fluent Irish,
Though, I don't really see it's use.
I want to stand up and make my objections,
But I don't want anyone to have to choose.

I want to understand the world, Tim,
Yet, I don't think that that would be wise.
Because I've found it's not what it seems,
For some reason, it wears a disguise.

I long to know why judgement is passed,
When no one really knows all the facts.
And why we don't just admit them out loud,
And put aside these silly acts!

Tim, I want to find love for myself,
Purely, from inside my own heart.
I don't exactly know who you are,
Yet, I never want us to be apart.

I want to explain out loud exactly how I feel,
For leadership's sake.
Because it's so difficult to know what's real,
When, outside, even the clouds look fake.

6 | 31 Poems for August

Dark and cold inside.
I need a warm place to reside.
These battle scars will gradually inflict pain when they heal too.
I’ve embraced how deep my wounds are.
My confidence proves that I’ve embraced each scar.
I yearn for the type of love that leaves no room for doubt.
I yearn for a reality worth dreaming about.
Maybe one day happiness will be more than just words on a page.
I have lost love.
But I haven’t lost all the beautiful words I have to write about love.
My heart produces thoughts that my mind could never understand.
Maybe love is the beautiful art of enigma.
Patiently waiting for pain to dissipate.
Patiently waiting for love to dominate.
Pain patiently tears me up inside.
It haunts me wherever I choose to hide.
I yearn for the type of love that leaves no room for doubt.
Maybe one day happiness will be more than just words on a page.
Hopefully I will be okay when blue skies fade to grey.
Hopefully I will be okay when people no longer listen to what I have to say.
I want to escape from the cold.
I want to nestle myself deep inside your soul.
Be the half that makes me whole.

I wonder if birds count themselves lucky
To find themselves free in the sky.
Knowing they can escape up into the air.
They just have to spread their wings and fly.

I wonder what happens if they somehow fall,
And they find themselves bound to the ground.
Do they just accept their fate,
And fade away without a sound?

Or do they thrash and yammer
Until they can't anymore.
Then, just lay there and look up,
Remembering how it used to be before?

Do they fear that they are prey,
Another species' meal?
Or do they lose all their senses,
And choose not to feel?

I wonder if they're left just a little bit hopeful
That help may come along,
So they don't completely give up,
And try to keep themselves strong?

Or if they just lay there,
And wait for their eyes to close tight,
And slip away happily.
Surrendering without a fight.

I think, if I were a bird,
Who fell down from the sky,
I'd fight, thrash, yammer and hope..
Until the day I found myself capable of spreading my wings to fly.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world,
and binary accounts for them all.

They're happy and sad.
They're ones and zeros.
Villains and heroes.
Villains, yet not all bad.
Despite everything life decides to hurl;
Despite every brick ball of fear
Through the stained glass windows of their minds,
Through it all, they survive.
They're angry and glad.
They're happy and sad.

And in their duality, they're still smiling there
at your sharp hasty words
at your venomous hurt
that you wish so desperately they, too, shared.

I wonder if you left the light on that night,
As you sat clutching your wine glass on the floor.
Or if you tucked yourself up tightly in bed,
After you securely locked up every door.
If you fought till you were sober,
And never gave up, though you lost,
Leaving your pillow fully tear-soaked,
And your covers unneatly tossed.
I wonder if you wake up every morning,
Like you used to, all alone.
But feel your heart sink deeper,
Once you realise you're on your own.
Or do you still continue preparing
Their clothes as if they're there?
And hum a melody as you wander the house,
Disturbing the old, settled air.
Do you still set three seats at the table,
And then call them when it's time to eat.
Then wait just for a moment,
To hear their scampering feet?
Have you stayed in touch with their friend's parents?
Or have you left them in the dark?
Are you afraid they would ask questions,
Or make some advisory remark?
I think they'd tell you to look in the mirror.
And to get up off of your lazy ***.
That you did less than you know you could have.
And, for God's sakes, put down that glass!
I don't think you were a bad mother,
But, sure, how am I to know?
I was the last one to find out all about it.
I just can't believe you'd let them go!
Have you dismantled his bed in the attic,
Or have you just left it there to rot?
Or have you moved out of that house completely,
Leaving behind all the heartache it brought?
Did you continue to leave mini eggs on her window sill?
The ones you used to pretend her dragons had laid.
Or did your body freeze in front of her door-frame,
As you asked yourself why they hadn't stayed?

I wonder if you teared up into your wine glass,
When you realised it was because of you they're gone.
Then I wonder why on Earth you would cry,
When it's what you wanted all along.