James Shay

James Shay Oct 2016

It's been a year and I still get butterflies when I talk to you.
That feeling in my stomach when my heart wants to reach out to every part of my body and share the happiness you give it.
"Butterflies". It's been a year and I still call it that.
Butterflies happens when you're dropping on a roller coaster. Butterflies happens when your car goes over a bump and then you feel yourself falling down.
This isn't that. This only happens with you.
This is what they said I'd know it when I feel it.
This has to be what they call love.

To my princess
I love you

James Shay Sep 2016

Reminders

I can't sit at a table anymore without seeing you in the seat next to me
I can't tie my shoe anymore without thinking of you getting mad at how slow I do it
I can't listen to music anymore because every song sounds like you
I can't sleep because you were my only motivation to wake up in the morning
I lie to myself every morning to get myself through the rest of the day,
"I'm over you"
But in reality my feelings for you have only gotten stronger

I'm counting on the fact that you never see this. If you do, pretend you didn't. Please.

#love #heartbreak #goodbye #sorry #reminders

James Shay Jul 2016

The Cold Shoulder

The last thing I said to you was I love you.
It used to be simple. Everything was fine.
Now I’m being stripped of all that makes me sane.
They put up a glass wall between us.
We can’t speak, we can’t hear, but we can look.
I’m sorry for everything I did
To make you stop looking

#love #hurt #sorry #ignoring #wall

James Shay Jun 2016

Last Words

I want my last words to be meaningful... Then again, everybody does. The sad truth is, no words come close to meaning. The fact that we have to take seperate words and put them together like a puzzle for someone to even understand it, which sometimes they don't, amazes me. I'm sure a time will come where a thousand pictures is worth a word, and not vice versa... Then maybe absence will be meaningful. Until then, I have no last words. None would properly fit the missing piece to the puzzle.

Explanation:

549 days ago, I tried to commit suicide. I tried to end my life, and my only friends at the time were on the internet. I was clinically depressed, with crippling social anxiety, and wanted to end my life. I swallowed a half empty bottle of Aderall, containing 20 pills, and was rushed to the hospital when my parents came home and found the pill bottle across the room, no pills inside them, and they pumped fluid into me to save my life. I remember the humiliation of waiting in the waiting room, blood dripping down my entire arm, while my mom argued with the nurse about how "Her son is going to die" and "Get him in a room now".. I remember coming back home for the first time since this incident 2 weeks ago, and I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell any of them I was still alive. I read all their beautiful comments, and I didn't have the heart to tell them they grieved for nothing. This post contains the last words I said, the words that were going to be MY last words. But I didn't die. So I still have a blank page left to write those words in.

The Response Comments:

"**** it, I love you don't. If you went through with it may your soul rest in peace."
"I'm literally in tears right now..."
"Rest in peace, there may not be a god, but there is an afterlife.. i'll see you when i get there."
"It is best to tell everyone of you now that he has...Passed, we all loved him, and knew him well but...He is gone as he stated...May he rest in peace..."
"NO"
"Ok I need some of your make believe fantasy right now."
"Sorry I couldn't help."

#friends #suicide #pills #death #lastwords #grief #adderall

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