after I stomped on your heart
and smushed it into the ground
so that the pieces of it
smeared
like graffiti
I then
spit on it
and laughed
and kicked the little bits
that were leftover
into
the drain

so
why is it that
you still won't let me
be alone
when I am depressed?
why do you still
offer me your arm
your company
and conversation
when everyone knows
I deserve none of it

in a way
it makes me hate myself
even more.
like hey,
you totally wrecked
this really awesome
and kind person
hurt them in ways
physical pain could never match
but they still
offer you comfort
and warmth
and somehow
can accept
what you caused them.

maybe,
it's because I was finally honest
when you confronted me
with evidence.
maybe
it's because
I poured my miserable soul
into a glass
and let you drink from it
so you could taste
my depression
and realize it was not your fault
all of it,
everything,
was mine.

I know I've told you
how much I appreciate
the company
and acceptance.
if I were left alone
with my thoughts
I wouldn't be able
to stop crying.
even if we aren't speaking
even
if I am writing
and you are playing video games
your presence
relaxes my anxiety
and silences my depression.
without trying,
you pop a pacifier
into their mouths
and finally,
they stop crying.
I stop crying.

you are a friend
to me
when
I don't deserve it.

you are a friend
to me
when
I need it most.

"You are not alone. There is beauty in sadness. Many run from it or treat it as something that shouldn't be. We need to feel sadness to feel joy. Your sadness is cold. Can it be made to feel warm?”

can it?
I am starting
to think
yes

realizing
everything you said
carries its own weight
in truth
without sadness
I wouldn't know joy

duality
is in
every part of this universe
from
the ever shifting
ocean
in my soul
to the massive star
we named
the sun
and
she shines
because of duality

massive
amounts of energy
bursting
pushing
to get out
the weight
of her being
crushing
pushing down
with equal
force

the suns
core
fuses
transfers
makes
something else
out of
what is inside her

her hydrogen
becoming
helium
the constant change
creating
something almost
stable
almost
predictable

one day
there will be nothing left
inside of her core
to fuse

one day
I will have nothing left
inside of my soul
to write

when there is no more
hydrogen
left
no more
passion
left
she will collapse
under the weight
of her existence

the pressure
of this alone
causes
more
change
heavier
elements
heavier
thoughts
she will swell
growing
larger
darker
intrusive
making us feel
her being

leaving us
with no where to go
but to accept
and to be
engulfed

after
there is nothing left
she will collapse
from
her giant self
overbearing
us and our neighbors
becoming
a fragment of who
she used to be
rotating
still
the passion
is gone
her life source
is gone
the light
lingers
until she has nothing left
her light
burns out
and
until time stops
she will stay
a brown
quiet
dwarf
all that's left
are her memories of
the life
she gave
to us

I hope
when it is my time
when my fuel
has become heavy
and when I engulf
those
around me
forcing
my deadly heat
onto
my
planets
that I won't collapse
into
a smaller star

into
a lesser version
of me

i want to be
big enough
that I explode
tearing
through what's left
with the beams of energy
I've stuffed inside of me

let my supernova
carry the dust
of the planet
you were
let me
push you elsewhere
farther
let me
bring new life
energy
hope
when I explode

and then
let me eat
anything
that gets too close
you will never leave
you are mine