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 Aug 2020 jackie
z
adult
 Aug 2020 jackie
z
"i am an adult"
are the words that escape her tongue
sixteen, barely seven
she thinks she is an adult

still reaching the top shelf with her tippy toes
laughter loud
unhesitant
large
she thinks she is an adult

speaking about politics
social justice
her life
she thinks she is an adult

one day soon
the weight on her shoulders will heavy
feeling the responsibilities
eyes dim
soul tainted

she will realise she does not want to be an adult
 Aug 2020 jackie
z
i used to do it for the attention
the likes
the retweets
the comments
on my pictures
on my tweets
on my statuses
on me

they made me feel validated
safe
secure
accepted
“you are good” my brain translated
“they like you” it went ?on, “that’s good"

they made me feel like i
belonged
somewhere

until they didn’t.

until i felt
numb
in the head
the words didn’t mean anything
the attention wasn’t enough

until i
couldn’t look myself in the mirror
without hating who i was
who i
became?
who i
who i
who i
who am i?

who
am
i?

and so i was forced to realize
forced — for if i didn’t, i may have died
i forced myself
to stop
i forced myself
to come to the conclusion
other people’s words did not matter
they did not matter

for if i let them matter
then i may have broken
to the point
that i could not put myself back together

“they matter” my brain told me.
“no, they do not.” said my mouth. “they do not matter.”
“yes they do.”
“no they don’t.”
“they— ?”
“— don’t.”
“but — “
“they don’t.”
“th— “
“”they don’t matter.”
“you don’t believe— “
“whether or not i believe, they still do not matter.”
“they won’t accept you.”
“they don’t have to.”
“they won’t love you.”
“but i will."
“but — “

“they,” i said
to the ‘me’ in the mirror
slowly
surely
determinedly
“do not matter."

they did not matter they did not matter  they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter

for the only one that mattered
the only opinion that mattered
the only validation that mattered

was mine.
— not like i don’t enjoy the attention, still. i do. but there’s no point to it if i don’t like it -- if i don't like /me/, is there?
 Jun 2020 jackie
The Untold
Everyday
 Jun 2020 jackie
The Untold
The only friend I hug
When am lonely
Is my pillow.
She knows my tears
My dreams-
That never come true
My happy times
My silly smiles when he texts
Or sings.
Now she knows my depression
All the things am doing
That I shouldn't be
That give me temporal comfort.

Sorry pillow, am lonely
everyday.
#depression #sad. Rough poem. Real one coming up soon.
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