it isn't right the way you tease me
much about and inside me isn't right
and I believe that you can see why
You must see right through my  body
to the downward destinations inside
Where I hide exactly what is felt
And when my heart is caught
is the trap then forgotten
On the contrary, the ordinary,
the less than savory,
The nothing special as the ignorant laugh
And as they do, the wise understand
this in itself cannot be easy
What is there yet that may be coming
So much wrong beneath
Some beyond, buried, unlikely
Other pieces are much less deep
These are mine, my secrets,
My own unlikable qualities, proud moments
Terrible wants, disturbing fantasies
Awful enough that they must stay down
Down is where demons go,
But I think you've seen them

I wish to speak now child,
unto the ears of the sheep
Words are not for you.
You, I give my artwork
framed, pieces of my darkest works
deep like the hours that go on for days
Cycling, cycling, always the same
Every morning grows to day
Identically predictable
Just as was the day before
as it was days, and days since past
I am aware that each breath
is one less that we get to take,
What is off is that it doesn't bother me
I don't worry how I waste each one
Watching the leaves of fall start falling
dried, cracked, severed, falling
the leaves resemble yesterday
floating, and falling on the winds
from far above and out of reach
to the forest floor, the earth,
to feed the soil and dirt.

there is always "maybe"
the lighter side of "never"
"Alright" equals "Open"
"Open" doesn't suit Me.
I don't do "Open"
It is, there is always,
"maybe" one day,...
What I do, I create,
and I shelve away "what if's"
"Hello", and, "Goodbye"... "Maybe".
This is okay, but inside denial.
more and more hollow,
Hopes that feed dreams and needs
To tell the world how it is for me
All of the things that can hurt
But if they ever do is it just words
The way it is to see or feel
Or love and want what cannot be
I write because I need to
This is a flaw in how I am made.
I am an Alpha,
of another breed,
but alpha all the same.
A better man would admit defeat

Brave Face
see me now,
Look at my brave face
I can be a charmer
Saying such nice things
Meant to disarm you
See me
I can be a liar
Saying the things
The real me cannot say
See my brave face
So patient and understanding
Hides the real me
I can be so unforgiving
Because I see now
I am not worthy
I am though
I am worthy of forgetting

In the end there is always Me
That man that stokes a dwindling flame
huddled over, in sheets of water
The end is always the same
I am that man against,
Tending steadfast
Stoking the lost cause
To keep a fire in the rain.

I've met so many people
In this one lifetime
Befriending faces and so many names
Often only for but brief, moments
A few will stick around for a while
Rarest are for a life time
All with qualities, short-comings
and vis-versa, but none closer to perfect  
Devotion from one person to another
is a rare blessing to be had
But from mans' best friend it's a given
To a man that friend devotes all of his attention
Always ready and willing to lather on the affection
Happy with just the pat on his soft head, with it, he is in heaven
Will I ever know another soul like him?

One that will never purposely harm or mistreat me for no good reasons?
In my opinion that answer is a resounding NO
No, not man, not a woman, no human not ever
Because not a man alive could ever handle the heart of our dogs' burden
That of our best friends, of our k9 companions
Unselfish, and unquestioning devotion will never be a humans
No, our burden is simply the curse that we out live them
So that as they pass from where we know and love them,
Into the place that we can not simply look down and pat them

I pray that place has someone just as awesome waiting for them
Someone who makes them a world to live in and celebrates every second they share with them
Asking nothing back from them... And While we all just keep going on...
Heartbroken, but profoundly and fiercely proud to have ever known them.
We might hope and pray daily...

One day, when it's our day... Might just be when,
we look down and again
there we find that beloved friend... Right then,
and realize that heart has never forgotten...
Smiling at us... Tail wagging...
Because this time he knows we'll never separate from him.
As we both walk on as is destined.
When the hard work is done,...
Distractions of living are all gone...
Finally we can pay them their due attention.

And never be mean,.. nor take them again for granted...
Only believe in... nor be separated from them...
It'll be our time together in what surely must be heaven.

Dogs hearts will forever be the greatest love, this man will ever learn to miss so badly...
As I will. I will miss you so very badly Scrappy, and you too Toby. Good Doggies!... I'll only regret every day I must live with out them. Til my work too is finished boys... Till then enjoy your new friends.
your poppa...
Jack.

Our Legacy is created when she,
Welcomes me then,
accepts me, letting me in.
Into the palace of all beings.
Where she, then,
Bathes me,
in a wonderful warmth
And she, loves me, she,
Makes me feel amazing,
She is so special,
Makes me so very grateful.
I spill forth and I am let free.
A ritual becomes complete
When she, then Following the pleasure,
She makes real now,
The very Proof to,
Everything, Legacies,
She creates this,
She is the way of things
Later it is felt,
and then later is seen,
She carries our future, she
Gives us our future,
Her gift is our treasure,
creation we will soon see.
Deeply beneath is the treasure,
She keeps safe, she carries,
A bid for kinds future,
she writes our next chapter,
One day she cries out,
She bleeds and provides all,
that ever should matter,
She births a Legacy,
A child arrives in laughter,
Made by her made by me
The way it’s always been.
Pray forever it shall be
As is the way to everything.
It is everything. Everything.
She is our Legacy.
With out her we won't be.
It is everything that matters,
Our Legacy, Comes from she.

Me, I’m not the same
Not the enemy
Not to blame
Me, I’m not a lover
Not a friend
I’m not that man
Not in touch
Me, I am nothing
Maybe today I am
Maybe,
I am anything but,
Noticed
Me, I'm not seen
Not lost,
I am clueless, foolish
Me, I am surrender
Truly meant to be
Me, I am always
An ending to a chapter
Maybe, I am not
Might be I turn out, maybe
For me, I will always be
Just that,
Maybe.  That is me.

Lonely you
Stare up
Alone in the dark
Listening too.
A lonely soul song,
Playing out,
A melody,
Lonely thoughts.
The singer knows.
Unfamiliar, yet,
Both so similar,
Affecting you tonight.

Rewind.
Yeah.
It seems like,
The rhythm of the drums.
Yeah,
It feels like,
The Guitar being plucked.
Yeah,
Feels just like,
A spotlight upon you.

Lonely too,
And the words,
They define you.
The lonely souls song,
Cries beside you.
The singer knows.
Like you,
He tried too.
Now there is a hole,
That is where “we” died.
The lonely soul song.

Rewind.
Yeah.
It seems like,
The rhythm of the drums.
Yeah,
It feels like,
The Guitar being plucked.
Yeah,
Feels just like,
A spotlight upon you.

She
Sheds love.
Void of emotions;
Me
I love with all my heart
Foolishly old fashioned.
My time is not,
Made of the ways I face each day.
I am not built
Nor am I okay with throw away love.
But she,
I saw her change.
Just a flip of a switch
And she walked away.
Differences.

This life
From the very start of it
I've been told
Brainwashed
Molded
I must fall in love
In love I will be happy
Happiest endings will come if in love
All with their silver linings
Picture perfect
And that's what I wanted
Thought I had found it
Fought so hard
Then lost it
It was after that
This life felt
Less like what I wanted.

After Falling

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.

I am different now,

Much more unsure,
Far more unwilling.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

It changed me.

Much more guarded,
Far too untrusting .

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

Nights aren’t the same,
The moon, it’s once soft light,

Oh, after the fall,

Seem to press down,
Where it hurts me worst.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.
I have fallen,
Survived the landing,

But I’m different now

Much more insecure,
Far, far less willing.

Oh, after the fall

My words,
full of thought
Laced with emotion,
Quiet whispers
trailing off,
But not,
When right now,
Feels just
Like shouting out
Into the open
The Still
Darkness and uncaring
Pitch black end,
My heart asking
Are you even listening?

This time, I found myself
wondering...
Wandering the maze of the unwanted.
The meeting place
Of despair, and of worry
What-If's rule the gates
Insecurity a blaze
lights the way
light much like the setting sun
I fumble through the unfamiliar
Behind me,
Each step, Each twist,
Too many,
Another turn is too many
I am caught,
Wonderfully lost
To Her world
from affection
This time I go,
Alone.

It could be, eyes see differently.
That I might not appreciate the same view?
If it is a gaze, fixed, at a distance,
focused on the impossible,
maybe?,.
Or thought, fought inwardly about?,.
Out of reach, league, or,..
Better without?
What the heart stays chained to,
Tethered secretly,
and at great distance,
though to step out?,.
Of the safe places,
out of clear evaluation, a secret,
admiration,..
Dreamed about, infatuated and unspoken,
outside of dreams that are intoxicated, provoked,
streamed and called by the heart,..
Its habit of longing,
watching, imagining,..
the, oh, sensation,..
the simple locking of hands,..
oh, the, shared smiles and confessions with no verbalization.
true love, of two souls, who,...
somehow vibrated in tune,..
out of devine planning, or intervention, if not, at random.
But such, could, never happen for me,..
not lucky enough.
But, am, or will,..
just might.
only if,..
I, Step out?
shed loves shaded shadows, obscurity,..
offering clearly, in front of,..
be the center of that one's unknowing realized,..
be there, I,..
in their laymens yet, appreciative gaze.
becoming focused, dare to and dance,..
not to hint, none less then truthful, the words you use,
have but to let your heart, its knowing,..
express what it wants,..
and, then,...
finally,..
be free of this,..
the unknowing.
Clearly hidden from view, can,.. confront,..
Shall, demand,.. unknowings end.

We all have them,
mine are packed,
stacked, buried away
in my closet,
the half torn shoe box,
rebox, running shoes once
now it holds my past,
my photographs,
seeing the familiar faces
but one calls and holds my eyes
it is of You, when we knew each other
not quite the beginning, mid way
still happy and your eyes were hiding
you used to smile, but was it ever for me?
I'm beginning to think,
You knew that that day was coming
Then you told me,
and I watched you go,
another life ago.

Guess who's divorced today?
I heard these words from an angel's lips
In a brand new voice, and felt the smile beneath
Sometimes life is like a complicated knot
So many ties, all twisted, unpredictable
each from a different part of living
when we work to lay them each straight
One takes everything and then some
the rest get away;  they make new knots
then, sometimes the ties that work themselves out.
Freeing you, changing your life,
On to the next knot, or not...

All these things,
the ways you make me feel
forgotten so long,
safe for so long,
You, seem to be perfect
seamlessly becoming important
and I am eagerly open
willing to see, to dare
feelings I've kept away
but now, with you,
for some reason I want them
You make me smile,
the real kind, to the eyes
and those eyes make time for you
right now is so comfortable
and I do, I want to know...
where this is headed,
I want to... and that is new
frightening and enticing
wondering if you feel it
you seem to, you seem real
I have to trust you,
and that isn't easy... for me
but for you, for this,
what it may or may not be
I am willing, I will, I do
I put my trust in you
please understand the importance
Swore once, never again
then I met you, and I feel,
I see, I think, differently
Thank you

For too long now,
these clouds...
Gray and deep,
like ink in water...
The landscape beneath,
barren, cold, forgotten...
Winds and rain,
lightning and thunder...
Just me, alone in this,
my way is guarded...
I'd given up,
no hope, no light...
Surrendered.
Then You came,
So bright, brilliant...
A single ray of light,
through those clouds...
You found Me,
In that light, peace...
And the ground,
hope taking root...
growing,...
that single ray exploding...
making a world I thought I knew,
New, intense and surprisingly wonderful.
A ray of light, And a world
I owe all to you.

Answers are curious things
When you don't know, you want to
Sometimes the questions they belong to are poisoned
Then there are the answers that cause more questions
cancerous, they multiply and the answers hurt you
Designed exponential
An endless cycle that will break and manipulate you
To no good end... never good
The wrong kind of questions

I have seen myself in unflattering light,
Doing things that will surely mark this soul
Not proud, moments pride brought out
These may have taken place long ago
I'm not the same, different, better,
Still not perfect, no longer the purpose
I've learned lessons a time or two
About myself, the man inside,
I'm not honest enough to lie
Instead I'll throw around words,
barbed and deadly effective truths
I'll never spare you

it wasn't the fickle
and it might have been
the laughable
but much too cold
unfeeling by any
worthy of notice
Or warming
the lemon yellow Sun
Blocked out feeling
and pale of ignorance
I found a broken clock
Its face twice right
Always the same
the gear workings mixed up
corroded and unwound
springs loose and crazy
like my thoughts,
the aged wood scratched, dented
Not much to look at
and I thought to use it,
at least for a while,

Lost outside,
the inner most feelings,
Of the heart,
As is it's nature,
I want what it wants,
Unable to forget,
What once was, now not,
Lost outside,
her hearts warmth.
The life I leave on the other side,
a door, shut, locked tight...
the hardest part,
of hiding,.. always hiding.
My self,.. my sin,.. my sickness,..
and it is, mine.
This is addiction,..
keeps secrets, steals away,..
the love and all joy.
Neatly swept away,..
All things worthy,
Every good thing,...
Keeps from me,..
outside,.. away,.. always.
I,.. stay,.. stay
wanting, what's on both sides
though one is all that finds me
the fullness of my attentions.
Safely,.. Rightly,..Denied Me.
Locked Away..

Unexpected, eyes wide,
always finding time, for you
when you are around,
the muted world, its gray shade
doesn't seem so real.
Colors follow You...
As you move through  this place,
my eyes make time, for you...
Those times our eyes meet,
I am reintroduced to a place,
one so long ago taken away
full of light, and hues
every color so deep I might fall endlessly within
All of them clean, brilliant,
inspiring my eyes to see again
my mind to believe again,
my eyes, each time, every time
Find time for you,
like the colors you bring
my eyes follow you.

I leave this place
Unto the bitter cold
Of a familiar unknown
Howling winds, frozen
Horizons out of reach
In all directions
Setting out, leaning
For feeble toeholds
In the frost, the ice, snow
Heeding an understanding
Seeking absolution,
Forgiveness, reason.
These buried emotional needs.
I leave this place.
We all face these tests.
Alone, as once we left them
Again returning to seek the way
Back to the sacred
To home, to rest, to home
I leave this place

"EYES JUST LIKE MINE"

Eyes just like mine,
Sharing tears,
Just on the other side,
of the bathroom mirror.

Eye to eye weeping,
expressing the need to be,
To feel, to see,
Eyes just like mine,
Sharing tears.

With a heart made of paper mache,
A mask I had made the same way,
One to fill a vacant place inside,
The other tries to portray a lie.
But they still see my eyes behind,
That smiling face, they all see my eyes.
My heart made of paper mache,
And a mask I made to face my friends,
Because they don’t understand the way,
The hurting they say will fade away,
Never did; Stays the same.
So I pretend; I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should,
A paper smile protects my pride,
A paper heart remains to this day.
Heart made of paper mache fills an empty place.
A mask I use to face each day,
Smiling for me to make them believe I am okay.
Made me a heart today.
Made from paper mache.
Made to take the real ones place.
Made to replace.
Made a new face today.
Made from paper mache.
Made it a smiling face.
Made just to face each day.
Made to hide the pain.

Hold it gentle
      It is so frail
Mirrored, thin, weightless
      Reflections within
Those are fleeting
      Nearly empty
They are both
      false and true
Distorted
Clearly seen
but unrelieved
maneuver the view
The lesser moments
hold them close
though shifted out of focus
blend worlds new
variant versions too perfect
Value dearly the truth
and then you
come into focus
I never do
My lesser moments