Do you hear this heart thumping? Sounds normal, doesn't it?
Sounds like a healthy and steady heart. But there's death in it.
Sometimes too much blood pumps in it. It regurgitates back into itself, fills it with too much blood and it stresses to pump it all out in time. So if you're lucky, you might hear it do a big thump followed by rapid thumps. Then back to normal.
Normal... I thought it was normal until recently. Now I know it could be fatal and there's nothing I can do about it. It could enlarge my heart over time, or it could pop like a balloon. Or I can live to be a hundred; it's in God's hands.
It never hurts, but it does feel weird. Like one of those rubber toys filled with water, and you squeeze one end of it. Feels like that for only a second.
I'm okay with the possibility of dying. Just know if I do, I loved you all as much as I could. Don't cry for me.

Is it really that bad to sacrifice love for love out of love for the one you love so they can love without you hurting them?

I don't want to ask the questions I want to ask
I don't want to hear the answers I want to hear

You're my Angel and my Demon
You're my Rescue and my Death

My will is faltering and failing
My faith is strengthening and secure

I don't live in a paradox
But I die in a paradox

Nearly fell
I heave blood

Scream into my pillow
Bite my tongue in two
Claw off my flesh
And cleave my frail mind
Blow a hole in my soul
Break my hands
Tie me behind my back
Snap my neck, please
Because I don't want to give in

in time, everyone
forgets. & maybe that
is not as bad as it sounds.
what if we sing
a song into the void
& something
shouts back.
consider
your worst wound bleeding
anything but red & rest
easy, child,
nothing’s burning yet.
imagine a city
knee deep in
promises & pink light.
in time, I will
forget. & maybe that
is comforting.
if one day I wake & cannot
remember your
name, I will be glad
to meet you
again
& again.
in a city alight,
in a wound-colored
rapture,
in time, you may
forget me. & maybe
you should.