Love?
I call it,
Forbidden.

I have these chains,
Wrapped around my body,
In my veins,
In my blood stream,
And it may seem,
Like I am closed off,
From the entire world,
That's because it's true.
I'm building locks,
And I'm going to make it rain with keys,
And I'm waiting,
For you to build a bridge,
And come find me,
Like a light breeze,
Like a smooth sea,
You arrive,
But not with a key,
with a tool,
That set me free.

I keep on wondering,
What am I doing with my life?
I want to pound my head against a wall,
If I don't stop I am going to fall,
I can't think of anything else all day,
I keep saying i'll be done with this after today,
Nobody understands what I am going through,
Nobody has a clue,
It's so hard,
Keeping it all in,
"Are you okay?"
No reply,
I just grin,
They have no idea how hard it is trying to be like them,
Like society,
THIN.

There's this girl named Ana, she's in my head, I refuse to let her in, but she says she'll help me win. She says all it is is being thin. Don't eat! Your fat! She makes it seem so easy, but it's killing me. One hundred eleven, she says go for one hundred seven, every pound I lose is another round we win, Soon I have learned, every pound I lose is not something I win. There's this girl named Ana. DON'T let her in, No matter how much you lose you'll never be thin.

I guess my life is like Cinderella,
My evil sisters are inside me,
Everyone in this wicked, twisted, place we call a fairy-tale is troubled,
Can't you see it's eating me alive?
I am running out of time,
Keep on saying I am 'fine',
My fairy-godmother wont grant my death,
I just need one last breath,
Midnight is soon to come,
I'm real scared but i'll be alright,
I will strip off my ball gown and leave behind my shoe,
You evil sisters take my prince charming,
I don't care about my happily ever after,
Take away my laughter,
Drown me in my tears,
My hopes, my dreams, my fears,
Cinderella has to suffer,
I promise it will make us tougher.

I'm misstated,
Dictated,
Unappreciated,
Understated,
The last pick,
Life's giving me a kick,
Have to pick myself up,
From this,
Unelevated-ness.

I wake up I get ready for school, skip breakfast, it's hard but I pretend i'm still full, from the dinner I never ate last night, Ana tells me I will be alright, I don't even know, I put on some baggy clothes so that there's none of me to show, my skin, or my bones, I look in the mirror I don't see myself I see what I used to be, I had friends, I wasn't self-conscious, my smiles were real, but that is not me, now i'm almost skinny, Ana says shes helping me become someone better, more improved, I feel like my whole body is bruised, like i'm dying, always lying, "i'm not hungry", I always feel blue, my head is pounding, surrounding my life with Ana, I can't even enjoy one banana, your pulling me in, I just want to be thin. I get on the bus and pretend I don't hear the voices in my head, there's nothing left to be said, I just want to go home and get to bed.

Oh the honor,
That we all have monsters,
They're inside us,
Telling us to hide,
That it's okay to lie,
To everyone by us,
Because we have problems,
And we're thoughtless,
They eat us alive,
And it makes it hard,
For us to survive,
We open up,
We wakeup,
Forget about what's inside,
You are what you eat,
And i'm learning to eat monsters.

A
tear from
my face, the
sudden pain, some from
happiness, some from sadness,why
is it like this, a tear
from the left, I know it's
not good, soon accompanied by
others, these tears make
me think, I
wipe them away,
no more tears
to display,
I feel
terribly gray,
I do not want
to live to
see another
day.

I tried to tell you but it couldn't come out of my mouth,
I might be in pain, and my whole life is going south,
I need you to help me out of this,
It's not like living in bliss,
I need you,
I need to be true,
I can't feel anything other than blue,
Sometimes I just want to die,
The teacher asked me how I was today,
I simply said I was okay
In my head,
That's not what I said,
I said I'd rather be dead
I have to many things going on in my head,
It's like a swirl,
Of things that have gone completely unsaid.

We play this game,
It's super lame,
When we have our late night calls,
Before we hang up I always stall,
I tell you I love you,
You say you love me more,
Then I say I love you,
More than before,
I win every time,
Until one day,
You just walked away,
You didn't call,
I found out you were in a bad fall,
Called life,
I thought I was stabbed in the heart with a knife,
You lay there dead,
Open casket,
I tell you I love you,
Of course this time I win,
But this is one game I wish to lose,
Because my whole life,
Is I love you's,
for you.

With life I want to go far,
I don't know what I want to be,
But I want you Ana to let me free,
I keep lying and hiding secrets,
Please help me Jesus,
I need someone to save me please,
I can't unlock the door with out the key,
Ana has taken it away from me,
"Have you ate anything"
I hate lying but the truth means nothing,
Who am I trusting?
My life is rusting,
I may never find the key,
Just let me be who I wanna be,
And I finally realized I wanna be me.

Her mouth looks like depression, her biggest lie to be said "I'm Fine."

Why do I ask for something but then deny wanting it?
I think about death,
Why can't this be my last breath?
**** me.
Haven't I suffered enough?
I just want to die.
I don't care if this rhymes.
WHY do I think like this!?!?
I cry myself to sleep.
Why ME??
I can't stop.
I need a mop,
for my tears on my face.
I can tell nobody
Why can't I just say I need help?
The words just can't escape me.
I would rather feel empty in my stomach than my head.
Even I am having problems going to bed.

I don't do it it for attention,
Oh and let me mention,
I was the one that always did the best in school,
Like the middle child,
But I never smiled,
My life was breaking,
My body was aching,
I blame it on anorexia, taking over my life,
I fear myself,
Tears drop down my face,
I'm a special case,
I have nothing left of me to embrace,
I'm like a blank space,
I just need to erase,
I just need to fall,
There's no way i'm getting out of here standing tall.

How do you put scars into words when no one even cares once they have healed?
How do you lie everyday?
How do you cry yourself to sleep?
How do you not sleep after being "miss perfect" all day?
How do you place those blades on your body?
How do you fix everyones problems but avoid your own?
How do you keep it all in?
Do you ever just wish scars would go away?
I think putting scars into words is harder than feeling the pain of it all.

You always see her smile,
She's really good at faking,
But you don't see is her whole life breaking,
The tears, the cry's, all the times she lies,
But she smiles,
She keeps it all inside,
She does her best to hide,
Because no-one can see what's really inside.

I don't alcohol,
I just need a buzz,
I don't need drugs,
I just need some fake fun,
I don't you,
I just need a real one

I'm like a clock except I'm not even right twice a day,
All my numbers are broken,
I'm too many hours behind,
And I can't just live in the now.

Sometimes,
It doesn't always take a knife to ****,
Sometimes,
It only takes one person to walk away,
Sometimes,
You need to save your tears for a rainy day,
Sometimes,
There's nothing to say,
Sometimes**,
That has to be okay.

Lately my life's been changing,
For the worst,
I worry a lot,
And cry too,
I need some time,
But I want you in it,
I'm afraid you might leave,
Just hold me,
Talk to me forever,
Don't leave me,
Stop asking if I'm okay,
One day I might tell the truth,
Afraid that you'll leave me,
And I'm acting like I'm okay,
So don't interrupt my performance.

He smells like a rose,
I want a dose,
And I'm getting high,
On him.
He's that drug you take alone,
He makes you feel on top of the world,
He clouds your thought,
What have I bought?
I'm addicted,
I feel a little conflicted,
But he smells like a rose,
and I had to have a dose.

I always smile so I never have to be the center of attention,
I thought it went away but I think I'm finally getting used to it,
I always act like I'm okay,
Sometimes I almost believe it,
Its when I'm sitting alone,
And the only person I can lie to
Is myself,
When the lights are off and the door is closed,
Where I have nowhere to hide,
That's when the truth falls out,
That's when the tears slide down my face,
When its 12:00 AM,
The only thing to fear is the truth of how I really feel.

I'm in a pool,
No a ocean,
I'm swimming in the water,
And your pulling me under,
I'm looking for the answers,
But your just letting me suffer,
I'm drowning,
And your counting,
Because those words you said,
They never escaped my head,
And this is my ocean,
My head full of water,
Everything you've said,
Its made me wish I was dead,
Because your my demons and I cant get you out,
Of my head.

When will I be ,
Okay?

My eyes are almost blacker than,
My soul,
Black is perceived when,
Light is entirely absent,
Smoke can no longer be seen,
In this emptiness like,
Heaven,
A figment of your imagination,
Is what I am,
I could disappear,
Into forbiddenness,
I tried to clear this image,
Empty it from my head,
It's something that wanders,
Lonely down streets,
That happen to be dead ends,
But the street is alive,
I'm a ghost with a beating heart,
And I call myself a Phantom.

Sometimes,
I think to myself,
It can't be real,
It's fake,
I'm faking it,
But then I tell myself,
If i'm faking it,
Go get something to eat,
And then I just sit there,
Trying to accept the reality.