Dead eyes,
                         blue bones.*


              *I feel empty

                                                     I feel empty

I feel empty


                                                         **Cages.

You fill me
with a love so strong,
it could bring me to pieces.
You fill me
with joy.

I used to think you knew me.
Now you just hold my lungs underwater.

I must have one of those crazy infections:
Bitten on the jugular,
With silent jaws,
And within an instance,
All the sounds,
All the colours disappear,
Leaving you to die,
In static and white

Yet another restless night,
Has passed me by,
My tired eyes barely open,
However, I find myself,
Incapable of unconsciousness,
My mind,
Aching with sleeplessness,
Tired of thought,
Longing to give in,
To dreams, to sleep,
But something within,
Rejects such simple necessities,
And gives me over,
To insomnia

I see two paths,
two lives for myself -
with him I am cast into
an ocean of untamed feeling,
lost to reason,
and floating off into an unseeable future.
With the other, I am held fast,
held close by his love
and burrowed deep into the earth;
an old tree that twists faithfully
growing strong and aging gently
across the planes of a lifetime.
How am I to love -
who am I to be, to choose,
to sink into.
I feel the pull of his tumultuous waves
and the roots that simultaneously
bind me to the earthly warmth
of another kind of man.

I have a dream,
That we could lie,
Under the summer night sky,
Beneath the lonely stars,
Just you and me,
The soft, green grass,
Under our backs,
Nowhere but up,
And your heart will beat,
Dangerously fast with mine,
The world too far away,
Just us and the sky,
With Panic! in the background,
"I wanna live a life from a new perspective",
Over and over again,
'Til we fall asleep,
Intertwined

I just want,
To see everything,
Fall apart,
In the center,
Of this surreality

I'm slipping away,
Watch the sky burn,
As I fade to dust,
Let the earth,
Rise up in flames,
I'm losing my shadow,
In the fire

In the light,
My troubles fade,
But the darkness calls the shadows,
And pulls the weight of sorrow,
Over my shoulders,
The voice of yesterday,
Stronger by night,
Calls me to the end

I walk through the maze,
That is my life,
Sometimes I run,
But at every turn,
Disappointment,
Betrayal,
Death,
They all catch me out,
Forcing me down,
To where I "belong",

I don't belong down there,

Every so often,
He takes their place,
In the corner,
Between the paths of my maze,
A little light amidst the dark,
Keep going, you must keep going,
I will,

A promise I know I'll keep

The words were never new,
It's all been said before,
The rain, the days,
The emotions never ours,
And yet I love you all the same,
With all my ingenuity,
I'll find you in the stars

In the stillness of moonlight,
punctuated by your steady exhale
and the brief swell of your chest,
I sunk into your warmth.
Encased in your arms,
I felt myself slipping into a feeling
that I had almost forgotten.
Like a child with her ear
pressed to the whorl of a seashell,
I lost myself in the drumming beneath your ribs.

When he stops speaking,
The emptiness overtakes me,
Hollowness grows within,
The room spins fast,
My mind fills with questions,
I write them in the starts,
Above me, above us,
Where's and why's and how's,
I throw them, silver,
Into the black empyrean

Into the starless night,
The dim moon fades,
Clouds consume the sky,
Flooding the horizon,
With the impatience of day

Ironic,
That the sun should seem so bitter,
In all it's wonder and brightness

I'm sorry,
For running to you,
When you have so much else,
Someone else to fix,
But what else can I do?
And when you see,
These tears,
You hold my hand anyway,
And ease the heavy burden,
That's when I know,
It's okay

He takes my hand,
Runs his fingers,
Through the broken veins,
Whispering the same words,
The lies that caught me,
Every time,
He fills my mind,
With sleepless nights,
Listening for Death's sirens,
As our blood stains the floor,
Red bleach filled with poison,
He finds my eyes,
Keep them closed,
I keep them closed,
To hide his tears,
To keep from drowning,
I turn away from yesterday

It used to be simple,
No pain, no accusations,
Like breathing,
But it never lasted long

You were so close,
I could feel your weight,
Your hand on my shoulder,
Your words were foreign,
But the message clear,
Aged, yet so full of life,
I would have died,
To give you one more moment,
A goodbye,
It wasn't your time

I've lost it,
That light shining,
Between our fingers,
It flickers,
From dim to bright,
On to off,
I'm losing it,
The words,
Paving my way,
Into the darkness of your mind,
Into the midst of another's sorrow

Your kisses drip like honey
down into my chest cavity.
My heart was missing
so you planted a seed;
showered it with your pure oxygen
to wrap vines around my lungs,
to match your arms around my chest
that hold me when the nights
are cold, but no longer lonely.

I wish I were a paper plane;
that I had a sky
in which to roam.

I could have stayed forever,
Watching the ocean,
Even after the sun had faded,
I wish I'd stayed,
Under the stars

Air escapes these punctured lungs,
Far too fast,
With too much ease,
Eager to leave,
This broken body,
Riddled with pain,
Blood flows,
Anxiously,
Far too anxiously,
Through these brittle veins,
And fresh, bleeding wounds,
But I won't,
I won't end the pain,
If you ask me to stay,
Though staying kills me anyway,
Slowly but surely,
Inevitably, hopelessly,
I will endure it,
To stop your tears,
Falling, crashing,
Through the cracks of the earth

Dive in,
Two years back,
Into your winter,
My world,
Was hot and blue,
In that July,
These waves taste colder,
Than those green tunnels,
Where I first fell,
You didn't know me then,
I laughed more then,

I met him in the corner,
Of the windy house,
Standing on the cobbles in the dust,
His back against the paper walls,
The keys in his fingers,
Leading me out the door,

He waited in the ocean,
Giving me that crooked smile,
As the pier left my feet,
Eyes all black,
Through that smokey water,
Circles and circles,
He circles me,
With shark eyes,

He hunted me,
Through that dim brick maze,
Pulling me closer,
Pushing me further,
Into those rusted iron walls,
Until I gave in,

He was covered in rain,
On that empty balcony,
Everyone looking in,
From the fog windows,
Whilst he told me goodbye,
Walk back up the shore,
Two years past,
From July '09

Lock away the demons,
Hide the monsters in your sheets,
Rest the devil in the closet,
Drift quickly back to sleep,
Dust away the cobwebs,
Wash the bloodstains from your sleeves,
Bury all the witnesses,
Pretend it's just a dream

I'm losing control,
Watching his body go limp,
In my mind,
Imagining his eyes rolling back,
And gradually closing,
Feeling his heart,
Halt to a sudden stop,
And visuallising his unmoving chest,
His head lolling and heavy,
The image unhinges me,
Heart too fast,
Eyes wide open,
Body shaking,
*Just another flashback