This world is a kaleidoscope,
Of plaster in my fingers,
And walls in pieces

I'm drowning in emotion,
That you're not feeling,
I'm falling apart,
'Cause you can't see this,
I'll break my own heart,
If it makes you smile,
But I've been keeping quiet,
Far too long

Lying awake for days,
All the things I'd like to know,
Do you ever feel alone,
You've never been alone,
Bleeding from the scars,
You drew, they never closed,
They never closed

I'm drowning in emotion,
That you're not feeling,
I'm falling apart,
'Cause you can't see this,
I'll break my own heart,
If it makes you smile,
But I've been keeping quiet,
Far too long

Inquisition of the sunsets,
All the doubts I'll keep at bay,
How could you not ponder,
If we're falling the right way,
You could be the lies,
Fuelling all this pain,
It never ends

I'm drowning in emotion,
That you're not feeling,
I'm falling apart,
'Cause you can't see this,
I'll break my own heart,
If it makes you smile,
But I've been keeping quiet,
Far too long

So here we'll lie,
In the darkness,
Does it matter at all,
How hard we try,
To pick up the pieces

I'm drowning in emotion,
That you're not feeling,
I'm falling apart,
'Cause you can't see this,
I'll break my own heart,
If it makes you smile,
But I've been keeping quiet,
Far too...
(repeat chorus)

I've been keeping quiet,
Far too long

An empty page, am I,
Paint me with your words,
So wise, so sweet,
Keep talking, keep talking,

Addictive is your musical tone,
To my keen ears,
This conversation is my new favourite song,
I love in excess,
Repeating, replaying,
For hours on end,
Keep talking

Lying, exposed,
I've made myself
A sacrificial lamb
On the altar of
The unmade bed.
Time and again
I offer myself
To a merciless, wrathful
God, a wolf, a serpent
A blasphemous act
Against my unclaimed heart.
These are no Gods
Towering over me,
Only vultures picking me
To scraps.

Your* words are in my head,
Playing: over
                         over
                                   over,
Stop.

You're standing there,
With that smile,
That laugh,

Like always

It's not mine anymore,
I don't want it anymore

Walk away,
I watch your footsteps,
Leave *me.

My head throbs,
With this constant headache,
Without a cause,
The blood is racing,
Much too fast,
Through these veins,
I'm still aching inside,
In that place,
Nobody can reach,
Just let it be over

You can watch,
The same sun fall,
Day after day,
You can keep your memories,
And pretend,
You can lie all you want,
But I don't want to anymore

It's funny how easily,
The lies slip,
From my lips,
'Are you okay, Nicola?',
Of course,
I tell them all,
(Except for him, of course),
Lies, lies, lies,
It's obvious I'm dying,
But it's for their own good,
Love trumps morals,
If they knew...
It would all be over,
Just not in the way,
I want it to be

It's not because I don't love you,
Or that you don't make me happy,
It's not that I don't want to change,
That I'm tired of it all,
I've just forgotten how to breathe,
I've forgotten how to see,
My vision's clouded over,
All I need is to be reminded,
To be taught how to feel,
Something that doesn't break me,
Or make me tumble to the floor,
I need you to look past,
The thoughts, the blood, the feelings,
And find what used to be,
Light

My back's against the wall
as I run razors over my legs
on the bathroom floor.
I'm thinking of you,
of your skin in the sunlight
and the way it would pierce
your dark eyes.

I should be gone,
By now,
When it all falls,
Appart,
My signature exit,
But I'm still lingering,
At the edges,
Because maybe this time,
I need someone,
To hold on,
Just a little longer

I want to take apart my skin
when the sun is too bright
and the world is too full
of people who will never know me.

I want to open the rivers
inside my wrists and empty them;
to pour myself away
the way I pour whisky
into my empty stomach,
and my hypothermic limbs
into stranger's beds.

It's so easy to romanticize,
slipping on that cloak
of self-loathing;
Reminiscing on those failed dalliance days.
You make me think of what might be
If I could have been someone else,
making me lonely for a rewind
back to before my trajectory slid.

I'm just one of those
tortured people
who leaves their mind on
like a light.

"Mommy, where's my teddy bear?"

Upstairs
             walk slowly
                                  skip 1, 2
                                                   fly

Under the covers, tight-
-wrapped and safe. They start
to cling to my breath and lungs.
My baby hands curl
over Teddy's eyes.

*Go to sleep, little bear.

Love me in the
back seat of your car

Beat down,
Under the heat of day,
Burnt with longing,
Irrational hunger,
A lust for pain,
That only that which I cannot have,
Can put to rest

I'm just looking,
For something; someone,
Worth looking for

I've been feeling this way.
For days now,
So sick inside,
From chills to fevers,
Stomach turning over,
Shaken,
So hot I'm cold,
Unsure if I can hold back,
The acid in my throat,
I'm in knots,
Twisted and queasy,
I'm not sick,
I'm just looking at you

The rotten linen weave,
Of my mind,
Losing fabrication,
Your voice is slipping,
And our eyes,
Are drawn out on our tongues,
Into vessels,
Cold heat and passion,
Dead in the instant,
Of it's creation

Your velvet kisses melt in my mouth
and the taste of your skin
enthralls my senses.
I'm heady on your fumes,
making my orbit around
the steadiness of your breaths.

I can't hold you tight enough;
grappling your body
as we intertwine.
I want to crush myself against you
so close that our atoms coalesce.

I didn't see your face,
When you loved me,
Maybe when I was dreaming,
But it was only cold,
It follows me now,
Your name across my world,
And you've stolen all the feelings,
All the places,
That I shouldn't have given you,
So I change my sheets and mattresses and hair,
But I still smell of us,
And you're still breathing on my neck,
So I stop crossing bridges,
And maybe I want to dream of you,
But you never loved me,
You're too cold to hold fire,
Too blind for emotion,
So I'll move my window,
And cover my doors with things you've never seen,
And bring strangers to bed,
Because that's all you are.**

And somewhere in this whirlwind of boys who don't feel and furniture, he takes my hand and shows me I never forgot how to smile.

                                                                      ­                                                                 ­                           I guess that's love.

Sounds like sunshine,
On a gasoline rainbow,
And throwing rocks in the lake,
While reenacting that scene,
From the 50s movie you saw last week,
Where some 20-something doll face,
Spins about with her hands in the sky,
Giggling in a daisy field,
In god-knows-where,
While Mr Might-be-right,
Watches from the hood of his rusty pick up truck,
Inhaling tobacco fumes like there's no tomorrow


*Lovely

I want to hold you
with pages and ink.

Once,
I had someone to hold,
He wrote me a love song,
Every day,
He wrote to me,
He loved me,
Like I loved him,
I wrote him back,
Every day,
He wrote, "I love you",
One thousand times,
"I miss you",

Once,
I had someone to hold,
'Til we went our seperate ways,
Unwillingly but dutifully,
So tell me, to whom now,
Shall I post this letter,
And it's lonesome, gentle words,
Who shall hear my love-sick melodies,
And stitch the ever-bleeding wounds,
Of this lonely soul,
Before the night swallows hope whole

He thinks an over-dose,
Will seal the contract,
But now I'm over-dosing,
On something else,
Addicted to a drug,
More dangerous than any other by far,

Such a cruel drug is Love,
Luring you in,
Too fast, too soon,
Consuming all your time,
While you're loving every minute of it,
Leaving you dependant,
Desiring nothing but to close the distance,
Ever so vulnerable to heart-break

Between the missing heartbeats,
Tangled in the silence,
In the absence of air,
The clarity of my condition arises,
Unbearable warmth under layers,
Of unsettling chills,
The sharp ache from that place,
That unreachable depth,
Of my hollow core,
The throbbing in my temples,
Behind my eyes,
From the soft hazy edges of the world,
I'm jaded and drowning,
Giving over to feelings I hate,
Loving and dying,
Aren't they the same?

I can't get enough,
Why should I control it,
When there's no barrier,

I don't feel enough,
Why should I stop myself,
You know I'm masochistic

Maybe we should stop,
To breathe,
For a second,
Before this moment,
Slips through our fingers,
Lost to the past

.           I don't love/want/need you | You're everything/nothing/something
I don't care/think/breath anymore | But I'll wait/drown/choke
             I'm not sure/happy/honest | I thought you needed/loved/knew me



               You taste of ink.


                                                
         ­                                                                 ­      *I'm still in love...

I want to savor you like fine wine.
When I pull you close
it feels like I'm fireside,
and your embraces taste
like soft caramels dissolving on my tongue.

Wash the blood from your teeth;
you're all in pieces,
taking us in pieces,
to become your own.

Pull the dirt from your nails;
you are not whole.
We've always been empty
behind the illusion.

Cut the colour from your eyes,
stop beating.
I wish I could pull the stopper
and call you a monster.

There's something sinister,
Behind those eyes,
Lurking, waiting, preying,
Dancing between the whites,
And the lines,
Glowing with a passion,
That could only be fueled,
By your taste for vengeance,
A parasitic blend,
Of monster and man

Your skin,
Your fire,
Burning my pages,
Curling my edges,
I told you to let go,
But I can't,
Move on

You're tearing me down,
You're burning me up,
Clipping my wings,
Whispering to be,
Still,
I can't,
Move on

You might as well bleach the salt from your skin.
It will still taste of ashes.

How do we survive this life?
*We don't, we all expire.

Love is unattainable; this is no exaggeration.

It is simply the way of my generation to dismiss all sentimental feelings in the name of reputation, but for some poor, idealistic fools still enchanted by the forgotten practice of romantic gesture.

In my eyes,
You are so broken,
The incomplete melody,
Of Heaven's choir of angles,
So sad and soft,
A disaster,
So irresistable and tragically beautiful

I am incongruous;
inconstant. I am this
night, this day arising
from the hollows of
death, despair. I am
this broken cry, shattering
the glass silence; disruption
of the subtle calm that
holds you. I disclose myself
in all my intimacy, in my darkest
shade, in my natural state
of blood and skin. I disclose
myself to the cold stare of
a view from some high up
place. Some high up place of
judgement that strikes me down.
Strike me down in my place.
Hold me no more.

You fill my heart with balloons,
and my lungs with sunshine.

I think of you and all of the memories
wash over me. Our intricate language of kisses,
our intimate habits, consume my thoughts.
I see the never-ending blue of your eyes
as they stare into mine, and my heart aches
with longing. I live every day in hope
of one more kiss, one last embrace.
Every breath is a wish for you
to be mine again, my only love.

I want to know where you are,
While I'm thinking about him,
While I wonder why it feels so wrong,
When he says my name,
Why my heart doesn't beat when you do,

I don't want him to say anything,
I want you to say everything,
I want you to tell me we'll be fine,

Why does it feel so fake,
When he holds my hand,
And asks what's wrong,
Why do I wish you were him,
That he was gone, and you,
In his place,
A much better fit,
Walking into the sunset,
As I watch from heaven above