Why do you chase after somebody you can never have?
Cause you know it won't grow into something,
and you crave for a normalcy into wanting.

Why do you never want what wants you?
Cause you're afraid of what it can turn into,
and you run against anything that makes you feel.

Aren't you afraid you're gonna end up alone?
Yes. And that says a lot about my state of mind,
witch begins to turn me into something I don't want to be.

Cold hearted, bitter and remorseful.  
Not lonely of love, cause that I'm full of.

But with the fear of let go and be loved,
cause I'm used to myself and the thought of letting someone love me,
wrecks my walls and trembles my roof.

How do I let go?
How am I free?

I need to...

Today was a good day.
I felt like myself,
The me that has been away at sea.
Little by little I'm filling the breaches
With patience and appreciation.
Day by day my heart whispers:
It's okay not to be okay
You're still changing,
Forgive and accept your decisions.
It is what it is
So rise above and shine brightly.

Is not just about
what you're eating.
It's also about
what you're thinking
and saying.

I'd like to start
preaching this.
We all should.

Open your mouth,
Stick out your teeth
And practice the act of smiling.

Oh, ****.
Did you meant it?
Or was it just another fake it until you make it?

It's 2:35 am,
I'm surrounded by close family
In a beautiful place,  close to the beach
And I'm full of sorrow, bitterness,
Heavy heart and broken promises.

I can't sleep.
So much I wanna do,
So much I wanna be.

So much opportunities,
So little money, so little luck.
My ambition has got to hold on.

I close my eyes
And the endless of chances start to narrow,
Swallowing me whole, breaking my bones.

I can't sleep.
So much I wanna do,
So much I wanna be.

Don't let
the behavior
of others
destroy your
inner peace.

Don't let
them get
into your
head and
control you.

Don't let
the promises
of them
be the
only solution.

Don't let
them mold
and shape
you as
they please.

Be strong!
Be confident!
Be proud!
Be positive!
Be you!

Such a windy night...
Did you break all the windows?
Have you lost control?
You won't have what you want.

Oh, my dear...
Ain't nobody told you
To sleep with the light on?
Cause I'm gonna break your heart.

I beat you can feel it...
Is it already bleeding
Or are you telling yourself
You're okay?

Listen, follow me throughout my darkness
I'm gonna find all your lies.
And the moment you're covered in dirt
I'm gonna see you, you'll rise.

Did you thought I was gonna beg?
For a miserable piece of attention,
For a moment of "is it".
You thought wrong.

Hey, keep up the pace, play your chess game...
Your soul's gonna be mine
And I'm gonna break you
To the core, to your destination.

All your lies are soaked in ****.
Oh, but you can't smell it.
You're rotten inside,
Breaking piece by piece.

Come, follow me.
You think you're in control,
But checkmate, my friend...

I won.

Attention, everyone attention!
When I stopped talking,
I thought I heard you think
But only silence followed.

You're drowning me,
But I'm gonna take you with me!

I didn't want to give you the pleasure,
but I think you broke me.

[How do you break someone?]

My brain is drowned in fear,
I fear getting out of this cage called security.

[How does it feel to be broken?]

I was an art form, I was unique,
the way your touch invaded my space-
and kept my silent.

[How does one stay silent when it's being tortured?]

You gave me attention in all the wrong places.
I thought I wanted it and that I deserved it.

[silence]

Now, I can't let anyone in,
they are going to use me as a brush,
painting in my canvas without my invitation.

[I'm still silent... Why?]

Another day and another reality check.
But I keep finding ways to not give up on you.
Is it stupidity or pure belief it could be real?

I'm stupid, because it hurts the way you don't care.
Yet, I seem to care for the both of us,
When it's supposed to be two wanting something.

You don't want. That's the problem,
But still you keep giving me hopes.
Hopes in forms of smiles and simple attitudes.

Ahhhhhh, I scream, hoping to wake up
And not miss you at all.

It was nothing.
We were nothing.
We weren't.

*******.
I didn't want to care.
I wish I could hate you.

But I can only hate myself,
For letting you in and break my walls
Make me believe in something so unreal.

I have to move on.
I need to...

But how?

I can't breathe...
   left again.
      The words hanging,
         they fading.
            ...
               ..
                  .

Hypocrite, look at me!
Opening my mouth to say "I'm fine"
But, oh, I'm burning inside.

Hypocrite, look at you!
Asking me how I am doing
But, oh, you really don't ******* care.

Don't know how many more times I've to say I'm not okay,
You give me silence... Silence...
And touches, and I don't want touches,
I want ******* words!

You don't stop asking what's wrong
I speak my heart, and then comes silence... Silence...
And the touches... Like, go **** yourself!

I am ******* tired, and in need of meaningful conversations.

I'm fading baby, I'm fading...

...

I'm fine. Yes, I swear
not overthinking it.
It's all in my head,
the lack of attention to the little details.
Sure, it's me that asks for too much,
not the lack of presence when around.

I feel like I'm floating in life.

I'm unemployed with a small child at home. I don't have the patience that I'd like to have with her. I want to play with her freely and with no worries about tomorrow. I want to make her feel loved unconditionally and protect her from everything.

I need to find a job that I like and that won't make me feel guilty from not being around her.

I'm living with the love of my life and I don't want to be always lashing out on him from being human. I don't want to pass him stress because I'm not in my best place, because I need more security, more confidence, more joy.

I don't remember what I like anymore and I just pass my time with whatever entertains my brain, and for a while I'm numb, I feel ok.

But I'm not okay.

I wonder if everything that is happening is because I'm not being my best and I'm attracting it.

At this moment I feel lost in my thoughts and I cannot run anymore from what I'm feeling.

Being quarantined is messing with my capability of a normal process.

I need to breathe and think of the next step to get up and live.