All the **** time
These mosquitos buzz profusely
Around my throbbing ears
Begging for attention
And O the attention they so crave
Is gifted by the swat of my hand
The turn of my attention
These ****** mosquitos try to
Imbue my mind with mindless thoughts
Thoughts about superficiality
About insignificance
About the lies of the world
These ****** mosquitos permeate
My skin with their razor blades
Mixing blood types
I am always asked
If I am allergic to these parasitic creatures
That favor feeding off of individuality
And every single time
I reply
Telling them everyone
Is allergic to being infused
With blood that isn't supposed to run
Through their own veins by birthright
But no one understands
These small ******* creatures
Destroy even as just one
And an entire race of them
Destroys and entire race
Of individuality

Memories are dangerous weapons that cause their users to bleed

She left and so did all the stress
He came back, the feelings haven't yet
     (They're probably on the way)
I'm better than ever
Organized
Stress-free (well, close enough)
Interview soon to happen
Enjoying all the little things
Because life is too **** to not search for every sparkle

5AM Wake Up grab the workout clothes, ***, drink water
505AM Meditate inhale...2...3...exhale...2...3...repeat
520AM Run like you've never run before like you're getting away from him
540AM Shower the colder the better inhale...4...5...exhale...4...5...
6AM Breakfast gotta eat something anorexia won't fix anything
615AM Read inhale...6...7...exhale...6...7...repeat
625AM Leave it's only school you like school
730AM School just a few hours of bliss inhale...8...9...exhale...8...9...
230PM Homework 20 minutes a subject, a day minimum
3PM Snack remember to drink more water don't throw it up
430PM Run run harder remember to breathe
5PM Shower it's okay to be a little warm tears can fall here
630PM Dinner you know the time shifts eat up
7PM America's Favorite Hour work your mind give your heart a pause
8PM Bedtime ***, brush teeth, more water
10PM Fall asleep the insomnia is hard *the depression is worse

I'm healing
I'm healing
And I'm dying
I'm dying
It's 28 days later
Four weeks
28 days
I was choking
I was choking
On tears that would
Not cease their constant flow
But I'm breathing
I'm breathing
But just barely
I can't help but have feelings
They don't go away
They don't go away
It's been four weeks
28 days
I'm healing
I'm healing

Body splashing
Heart pounding
Throat gurgling
Mind sputtering
.
.
.
*But it will be okay, eventually

If I could turn back the hands of time
And have the ability to reclaim you
I wouldn't
Not in a million billion years
Because everything happens for a reason
And I believe there is nothing that
Could make anything better
If not for then I wouldn't be where I am now
And neither would you
I'd be okay with just friends
Because to tell the truth
I only "love" you when I'm sad these days
Back then I loved you always
But not now
Now I am better
I am stronger
If I could turn back time
I'd be weaker.

Now why the hell would I do that to myself?

You woo no one
With your lies
Except for everyone
Who wants to believe
Silly girls like me
But your lies become venom in my mind
And I take a step back
To spit up the poison
Then I realize that
A boy who lies is a boy who hides
I just want to help you
Find your soul again
That was buried deep when
You were unnecessarily glorified
For using you God given charm
It shouldn't have corrupted you so much
But I know that underneath
Your gilded exterior
And hard coal middle
There is a beautiful diamond soul
And a very prominent v

If a boy says "I love you"
He's probably an *******

Remember
But your bicep says
Forget
Your clavicle says
Love
But *hate says your
Chest
Your left bicep reads
Happy
But your forearm needs the reminder
Stop
Your thighs are gardens of beautiful
Butterflies
Your back says you're in need of
Grace
But on the inside where only you can see
Your heart says
*Help

It's a funny, silly, trivial thing
The love of language
And so-called "Instagram etiquette"
The way he uses commas,
Parentheses,
(And semi-colons);
It's marvelous!
I'm a peculiar underclassman
With my **** ways of grammar
He uses full sentences!!
There's a subject, a verb,
A conjunction,
As well as punctuation
I don't know much about him
But it's only been four days
As far as I can tell
He's a beautiful creature
Alluring and tantalizing
Knowledgeable and vocal
Chorally inclined
O! this potential boy of mine

I want instant results
With minimal work
But I know that is ridiculous
I might be impatient
And perhaps as some would dare say
"Stupid"
But I know how to get **** done
I have a plan for everything
And sometimes it doesn't work
But I am strong
I will get my desired results eventually
And ******* if you don't believe me

She was told
Only she controls her heart
No one can take that away
Always choose love
Never choose hate
Always choose kindness
Never choose mean-spiritedness
She was told
Only she controls her thoughts
No one can take that away
Always think positively
Never look down upon others
Always be uplifting
Never take what isn't yours
What she wasn't told
Was that these thoughts
These morals
Were not her own
And therefore contradicted everything
Her mother raised her to believe
She chose love
She chose kindness
She choose optimism
She even chose happiness
But she didn't choose the consequences
Of ending up heartbroken
Bullied
Ridiculed
She just wanted to make the world
Better
And it tore her apart

We're emotional hard hitters
We'll knock you out of the park
We bleed words
And breathe rhythm
Our hearts pulse rapidly
And we're sure to write a poem
Or collection of poems
Just for you
We will tear apart the world for you
We will paint you the universe
But when it's over
We'll cry rivers of ink
And bleed puddles of tears
Because there's no greater love
Than that of a poet

Is much more difficult than I imagined
I thought I could just look in a mirror
But when I did that
I just saw all the people I have ever known
It was horrifying
I saw the memories eating at my face
Pulling my skin apart
Like ribbon
I saw them placing their own characteristics
In place of mine
If that's who I am them I'm ready for change
I know there is more to me in this world
Than memories and reflections
So I went to the river
I dipped my toes in as the storm approached
And the current pulled me under
I fought with all I had
But I can't swim
Instead I choked on those particles of lies
That had started to create me
Blackness swelled in my vision which was almost non-existent to begin
When I could see again
I was on the bank of the river just a half mile from where I had been
But that's the thing
I travelled that half mile
And I survived
The facades built did not

I don't believe in gender roles
Because how are we supposed to societally grow
If we set restrictions on
What can be done and by whom
Simply because of their anatomy?
I don't believe in quitting
Because how is anyone supposed to learn
If we just allow
Giving up on hopes, dreams, goals
Simply because, "it's too hard"?
And yet we make life a cage
Too small even for a canary
Choking ourselves with regulations
And stereotypes
Striking fear into our own hearts
We live in the land of *******
Where we claim
We can be whatever we want to be
And do anything we set our minds to
Yet here we are
Not much further along in our
Backwards thoughts
That originated pre oppression
Amd long before we boarded the Mayflower

Hold my hand for my heart is far too fragile

I am drowning in the humdrum of everyday life
Wishing I could be sitting with you on the edge of Italy
Looking out at the Adriatic Sea
But alas, I am here, paying for the life you left behind
And you are there soaking in rays and drinking red wine
I wish you hadn't left me for there
The least you could have done was paid for the airfare
I think that these bills distract me from the real problem at hand
If I really loved you, wouldn't I have left this land
This land of mundane life and of great exhaust
For something more extraordinary, something less taut
But then I remember that we weren't meant to be at all
Simply because we couldn't any longer stall
Now I remember why I said no to becoming your wife

You both have such beautiful minds
Beautiful hearts
Beautiful souls
Sweet Eleanor and wondrous Ezra
Everytime my visitation is granted
You are lights in my world
And you open my eyes
Remember these words that I have for you

Never stop loving fearlessly
Because once you do, the world has won
Fight like the princess and prince you are
Only you can choose your kindnesses
Speaking of which,
Always always choose kindness
There is never reason not to
If I catch you being even a little bit mean
You can be assured I will be talking for hours
Please know that time is not money
Time is love
Spend your time on family and friends
The rest will fall in place eventually

But above all else
*Never stop searching for the beautiful in each day

You would be standing here
Laying here beside me
Making sure I have enough blanket
Making sure the windows are cracked
If you loved me
You would be butterfly kissing my nose
Holding me in your muscular arms
Praying my illnesses would go away
If you loved me
You wouldn't have left

I am so sick and tired
Of everyone trying to fill me with reason
And logic that has no meaning
I'm so done with
The insane attempts to flood
Me with thoughts that are
Not my own
Why don't you try to
Make me feel differently about
This ****** world
Through actions
Because your words are just
Letters slammed down your throat
And into your mind
You are a doll to society
But you can change that
Let's fill hearts with emotions
And rid everyone of the parasitic thoughts
Crammed into our heads

I just want to know
That it's right by that
Feeling in my stomach
And I want it to be magical
Not stereotypically per se
But magical for me
And for her or for him
Because love is love
No matters what's in the pants
I want a love story
Not right now
But soon
I have always dreamed
Of having a high school sweetheart
And it could've been possible
If he wasn't abusive
If I noticed what she was trying to say
Or if he wasn't two-timing
I wonder if she knows
I digress
I want romantic
Like every girl deep down
I just want real love
But I want flings now

As I watch the water in this glass
Sitting still on the coffee table
I think back to that day on the lake
When the water stood still
And the sun sank on fire
On the rocky beach where we sat
I, in my sundress,
You, in your board shorts and sliders
Which now makes me smile
With disgust at my youthful naivety
And sorrow for your advantageous attitude
That I know has gotten you in dark places
As I watch the unwavering solidity
Of the mahogany table
And its stains and grains and knots
I am reminded of
That long cold winter when the power
Was nonexistent for almost a week
And the snowbanks raised above
My front door
And how devastated you were that you could not visit
I consider myself lucky for those days
As I stare at these bruised wrists
Full of memories and unfortunate mishaps
I can't help but to be moved
And scared at the possibility of relapsing
Into that dark wormhole of depression
Seemingly impossible to escape
As I stare at this glass full of water
Still as stone on my table
I feel a single tear roll down my throat
For I am flooded with memories
And feelings galore
This glass of motionless water
Floods me with life

Every time I see a new message from him
He's hurt me far too many times
And he always leaves me broken
We keep growing
And surviving
And yet we always run right back to one another
I don't want a relationship with him
I looked my kid in the eye and told her
"I wouldn't"
When she asked if I'd give Cole
A million more opportunities if
He came running back and apologized
Telling me I'm the only girl he's ever loved
And I hope I meant it
Because he's gone and done it
I miss him a lot these days
But we all know he isn't good for me
And there's Evan! Evan,
The man that without fail makes me laugh
And smile
And encourages me to grow
I don't feel weight when I talk to Evan
But this history with Cole is too much to ignore
.
.
.
I think I need to date myself for a while

In July I will be attending a formal wedding
All my family will be there
And of course I don't want to embarrass myself now do I?
So what's a girl to do?
Oh wait,
I know a boy in class who ballrooms professionally
A boy I'm interested in
So why not ask for lessons
See where it goes
And hope to high heavens
That all goes as planned

Once upon a time
In the fairest land
Of New Jersey
At a royal wedding
The now royal niece met
The hired photo booth runner
And his name was Nick
Now Nick did not know what was occurring
He thought she loved cameras
She went with her sister and grandmother
Then just her grandmother
Then only her sister
He friend would contact her
On the fanciest slide phone
And to avoid looking rude
She'd stand next to the table
Right near the booth
Finally with her brother
She talked and he talked
They laughed and joked
About how she should get him fired
For interacting with clients
As it was forbidden
He claimed he would travel
Across the country
To the kingdom
Of Washington
For her wedding in a year or so
She chuckled covertly
Revealing her age
Only to find he was twenty
He thought it was funny
And called her cute
So she gave her phone number away
When really she should've have gone
With her Instagram name
Near the end of the event
She invited him to the dance floor
For the most regal song of all
"Don't Stop Believing"
After those five minutes she assisted him
In the packing of his equipment
And they parted ways
Never to speak again
Both leaving
Dumbly happy
The End

The tick tick ticking of the wall clock
Casts its spell on me
And I start to tumble
Down
  Down
     D
       o
        w
          n
Into my thoughts so deep
I begin to explore the stones unturned
In my mind and I try to sleep
But the burning curiosity of it all
Lulls me in a rocking rhythm
As I venture into thoughts unspoken
Thoughts unheard
Those thoughts were locked away for a reason
I stumble blindly about my own house
Trying to find escape
But instead only see what my madness creates
A false hope
And a broken girl
Strewn about the floor
On occasion entrails dragged across the mantel
When I finally find the couch so near
I sit and cry my fat stained tears
And rock and rock and rock
In hopes it will go away
I don't want to know myself so deeply
Because if I do
How could I possibly think someone will save me
Back and forth and back and forth
Faster and harder I try
Which only pulls me
D
e
  e
   p
    e
     r
Into myself
Until I am completely inside out
Full of fear
Drunk on my one hundred percent
No sanity back guarantee
Mad

...did we become so hyper-focused
On hatred and negativity
.
.
.
Rather than loving everyone
And everything
So whole-heartedly?

I am a library book
Dog eared and worn
Quite a few pages spilled on
Torn
I sit in the bottom of a book bag
Overdue
Waiting for you to remember
You haven't yet returned me
The fines are a mile long
You started to read
But the blurb was misleading
You forgot that you ever checked me out
And so much damage has been done
What with you tossing in other books
Spilling chips
Folding my pages
Leaking ink
Darlin' you deserve to have
Your library card revoked

My heart longs for the fantasy I once believed in

Today I went walking
To go buy some treats
And on the way there
Down these familiar streets
Something in me shifted
Something had changed
Maybe that  something was
Simply nothing but me
I grew up here in this small town
Just for two short years
But to me you are home
And I cannot let go
But something in me was
No longer the same
At first I thought nothing of it
As I walked to the small store
For soda and candy
And ice cream galore
Bit on my way out
This nagging consumed me
I pushed it down
Into the depths of my mind
For a moment
I didn't want to think about
The growth and the change
Because I wanted everything to be the same
I don't want to leave behind childhood bliss
When my biggest problem was
Remembering who's weekend it is
I miss the simplicity of having no fear
But I know that that girl
Has long since disappeared
I was able to fight off all of these thoughts
Until I had almost reached my old front walk
I saw a woman walking away
From the cul-de-sac I'd been through
So many times
However
I didn't think I was seeing someone else
Because I got lost
In watching myself
I saw a child walking toward me
Not that woman in a sweatshirt
I saw the sheepgrass grown too high
And an adult version of me
Walking my way
Like some sort of warning
And I heard a voice
Like a scene in a movie
Telling me to move on
And release all my agony
She sounded just like me
At seven, fifteen, and twenty
Telling me nothing was wrong
Unless I let it be
As I write these words
Recounting my evening stroll
I realize I am never alone
I am the only thing in my way
Nothing is concrete
And sometimes things change
But I control me
And I think I'll enjoy it this way

I August I believed
I had finally found
Love

I hadn't though
But that's okay