I don't wear smiles
like clothes,
like you wear makeup

I don't choose in aisles,
in stores,
just for the occasion

You can try
and you'd fit right in my shoes
but I'd never fit in yours

I don't wear jewels
but I'd love
to wear your denial
mmm,
your scent for awhile...

dear god,
you were introduced to me as kind, forgiving, generous. whenever i made a mistake, i didn't feel the need to come apologize to you because i thought you'd know it was a mistake and forgive me. not once in my life have i gone out of my way to hurt anyone. any pain i may have caused anyone was unintentional. like the way i broke my sister's arm- i didn't mean it. we were playing. my parents may not have understood that, but i knew you would understand because you were always- you have always been- my best friend.
i am eighteen now and i've made more mistakes than i can count. these mistakes didn't hurt anyone but myself. i made bad decisions out of vulnerability, desire, fear. and i thought you'd understand. i stayed up a few nights explaining to you exactly what happened (you were there though, so i probably didn't even need to do that). i ******* up, i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i swear to god. i mean, i swear to you.
but recently i'm being told by everyone around me that i need to repent and beg for forgiveness. god, i don't understand. why would i say sorry to you for my mistake? you created me. you knew i was made to make mistakes. if you wanted me to be perfect, you would have made me so. but you didn't. i've always come to you in times of need, in times of confusion and pain. you have guided me, i have trusted you, you told my secrets to no one.
why now, must i beg for forgiveness? you know me better than i know myself. you know i have always sacrificed myself for those i love, i never wanted anyone to hurt.
i am lying here with a broken heart and a the words are twisting in throat. my stomach is on fire and every breath is a struggle. i am thankful that i do not need to speak for you to hear me. god, tell me this, why must i beg for forgiveness when i know that you have forgiven me? i know you have forgiven me for being human. you made me human in the first place.
other humans will not forgive me.
you will. you always have.

please help me understand.
regards,
your human.

you are wrigley's spearmint
and a little bit of sweat
you are white and grey
black and blue
you are a big slice of pizza
(the butter is mine)
you are envelopes
and hershey's
long fingers
small nose
birthmarks
and flaws
you are violence and forgiveness
pain and discomfort
warmth and silence
hurt
you are hurt

you are a memory
a moment
an association unlimited by time
perhaps this world will always be littered
with reminders of when you were mine

the pain of losing someone
it strikes sharp
a needle aimed exactly right where it breaks the most

and the tiny hole created slowly grows heavier
burdened by the swallowed words you could've said to them

you force yourself to stop the bleeding in your gaping hole
but your arms are already tired from trying to hold onto the last shred of light
your feet are stained with bruises and cuts that leave crimson colored footsteps

they left you with the bitter aftertaste of unspoken words
candy cotton promises of the future we never got to share
the smell of smoke from burning hazy memories in the fire of our charred throats

you hear the world as deafening emptiness and everything around you has turned into ashes of silence

this emptiness still smells of you.