I've missed you more than my heart can express. I needed you so much this past year, but as the snow will begin to fall, it'll be us falling in love all over again. Everyone tells us we're crazy, but I know we're not, we're just content with knowing what we want. Being in your arms is what keeps me sane these days, and getting to know you all over again is a blessing in disguise. Thank you for loving me, and letting us flow freely.

if only you knew me like the back of your hand, saw constellations in my eyes and felt so safe and serene in my grasp

tears of salt
throat screeching, burning
no one should have this power
it isn't fair that you all have this grasp on me
i wish for death nowadays
life was so milky and sweet
wanted more and more everyday
now it's sour and cold
spoiled and wretched
i want to have the sweetness again
feel safe in my body
not having to count
5 things i can see
4 things i can touch
3 things i can hear
2 things i can smell
1 thing i can taste
all i can see, touch, hear, smell, taste
is pain and audacious betrayal

I gave you my everything,
Love, trust, body, secrets and more,
You saw my scars,
Kissed them better everyday,
Reminded me how beautiful I was,
I was exposed and you took advantage,
You knew I was vulnerable,
I opened up to you and told you everything,
You used me, and you never loved me nor did you care

I feel like I’m falling
Constantly, but slowly
Off of a cliff, or down a rabbit hole
But it's endless, and I feel numb
I get to grab on a branch, for short term support
(seemingly)
Just for a while, so I can take a hectic break
Only for a moment
Then I let go
And I just keep falling
That constant feeling
Falling

it was great to use your affection to pass the time of my slowly decaying mind and heart

run baby run because I bleed blue and you bleed red

I'm disposable
You never cared about me
My heart is broken

oh boy
you broke me forever
or so i thought
i don't know how to act in love
you made me fall in love
years ago now
to this day all i think of some days
is the words that slithered out of your mouth
"i love you more than anyone"
you made me fall in love
i couldn't help myself
never did i doubt you
even though i should've
i believed in us for so long
blindly following your lead
only to find out you were destroying me
it's kind of funny
that day i left the love before you
we went on a long walk in the rain
smoked a whole pack of cigarettes
the streets smelled of metal and mildew
you drew a heart on the bench we always met near
then out came your pocket knife
and you stabbed the heart you drew
it's kind of funny
you tried to make me feel secure in this way
but in reality, you were stabbing me
repeatedly and i didn't ******* know
i know now
i'm sorry to say that
we can never be the same again
after you abandoned me so suddenly
over and over
and tried find your way
back under my skin
manipulating me
making me think this was healthy
i trusted you
gave you the key to my home
only for you to throw it away
then go digging for it in the rain at 3am
when you needed attention, like a thirsty wilting plant
yet i knew this was wrong i stayed
when you yelled
and told me that you had written about me everyday
since the day we met
i lost control yet still
i let you in again
after you called me things that ate at my skin
i let you in
you made me think i was unlovable, untouchable
i forgive you for that
now knowing who you truly are
i just can't stop the guilt
why do i always feel guilty for feeling guilty
because you took away my love for the world
and gave me a new kind of love for it
you took away my pain
and gave me a new kind of pain
do you remember when we walked along a crimson pathway
just as the sun was setting
feared for the forest ahead, with it's tough edges
but you told me
"look between the branches, between the trees
the branches push the sky past to kiss the moon"
i felt as if i had seen a new view of the world
i was completely ignoring for 17 years
you changed so many things for me
i believe you shaped a lot of who i am today
and i will always love you for putting my mind at ease
do you remember that day
when i had finally been inside your home
after a year you felt comfortable
OK with me seeing this part of your life
you opened up, even though it took more convincing
than it takes the ocean to stop throwing waves
we came in and you made me feel welcome
treated me like i was yours
you brought me upstairs innocently
all i wanted was to kiss you
finally taste the cigarettes and syrup on your lips
but somehow you wanted more than this
and somehow i was OK to give myself to you
i was a dying flower and you pulled away my petals
by the time three quarters of them were gone you said
"this isn't right"
i felt so sick
i still get that same type of sick
when i think of those words
you told me once you finally reached inside
you told me keep my mouth shut tight
i still play all of these summers we spent together
through over and over in my head
all the broken promises
you tried to cover in band-aids
i think the one thing i'll never grasp about you
is how selfish you were
you'd always, and still do say
"why didn't you come to me
when you were going things
that made you want to die every night"
yet when i did come to you
you pushed me away
made me feel completely unsafe around you
when you came to me at 4am with insecurities
and hopelessness
i was there and 100% ready
to do whatever needed to be done
but you pushed me away
one day you'll realize
and i mean truly realize boy
that all i wanted was you
but i just wasn't enough

When the rain pelts the pavement,
I'm reminded of the nights we've spent together,
I'm the rain, you're the pavement,
I am freely living in the clouds until I'm ready to reach for you,
You are calm and content where you lay,
I'm a mess and make sure I disrupt everything in my path,
But you're always there waiting for me,
I do no wrong, because always,
At the end of the day, I have to reach for you,
And be next to you.

I love you too much
It hurts when you act like this
Please come back to me

when I catch your gaze meeting mine, my heartbeat composed a symphony of lullabies to sooth my mind

Nostalgic sunset
The giver of happiness
Ruler of pure truth

everyone eventually falls into the dangers of loving another soul more than their own; I hope I'm your dangerously loved soul, when you look into my eyes

it's an endless cycle with them
every time i feel it'll be alright
the day is new and bright
plants are fresh and blooming
i think they're getting by just fine
only to find out their world is in shambles
when their world crumbles, mine diminishes
there's nothing i can do
all the hand picked flowers in the world
can't fix how far gone they are
i fiend for the day that they're self aware
hurting themselves without realizing
breaking their arm to save others
from plummeting to the cold concrete

Why do I allow this to happen when there is no flowing freely? I know this, I'm just completely and comfortably numb. I thought that I meant something to someone, because words mean nothing and actions mean everything. Alone here, I'm stuck, and tomorrow I'll be ready to leave. Leave my body, leave this earth, leave everyone who claimed to care behind, there's no future ahead, I see nothing. There's nothing left in this world for me, not one person will ever truly understand what I felt. The anguish and hatred, burning scarcely within me for my entire life. I am done with being a negative human, I am garbage, at least that's what you described me as this morning when I decided that I am ending my life.

Numb and so anxious, can't begin to tell you why
These feelings pelting my lungs as I try to breathe
It's nearly impossible to calm my nerves
Can't handle it anymore
Being away from you breaks my heart
Makes my body ache everyday
Star of Bethlehem couldn't help this heart

your imperfections
are only seen in your own eyes
you are beautiful

You came by to pick my garden's flowers,
Pulled my petals out and threw them away,
Pushed them through your dirt,
Smothering me,
Ran away to another garden, with fresh flowers,
That I could never provide you

I can't do anything but lay here and bleed and bruise,
Ripping out my hair,
Screaming for air,
Mascara tears deteriorating my eyes,
His words ringing in my ears,
I was his motif,
He waited until it was far too late,
To speak these words of true raw feeling,
You can't have me back,
And you have no right to make me feel this way again.